Jun-hyung's Point of View  

           “What happened to you?” Asked Yo-seob as I walked in the door. He came over to me and helped me sit. My eyes wide I felt a pain I never knew existed. “Jun-hyung? What happened?”

 

~ Earlier That Day ~

 

            I rolled over and looked at my alarm. The big green numbers were trying to lure me out of my warm bed. I knew what tomorrow was. People would start avoiding me as of today. But I’m okay with that. I quickly jump out of bed and make my way to the bathroom to take a fast shower. Washing myself from head to toe I know where I want to go today, but I didn’t know what I was going to say.

            I promptly dress due to the freezing air biting my skin. I lock the door behind me and take the stairs two at a time until I reach the lobby. Taking my time I walk to my destination. Smelling the flowers and listening to the birds before they leave for winter, I fake a smile. Any normal person would enjoy these sounds, but all I want to do is get inside because it’s getting way too cold for me out here. As I walk inside I breathe in slowly and walk straight to where I want to be.

            “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” It was supposed to start this way, right? I haven’t done this in so long; I’m not too sure about it anymore.

            “Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. That beautiful smile or her bright hazel eyes haven’t been seen for the better part of two years. Since the day of our fight I have not been able to tell her how sorry I am. I broke my promise. I knew I was breaking it when she walked away from me. And she wanted me to continue with my travels, she begged me to stay on the road so I could continue doing music, so I knew she understood me.” I choked. I was trying my very hardest not to cry.

            “But I just wanted to be with her. It was selfish, I know. I put her before the fans, before my members and even before myself. I feel sorry to them, but I fell completely and helplessly in love with her. I tried. I really tried to stay focused on my music. But I needed to see her more than once or twice every five or six months. I know she did also, she just might not have said so. But after she revealed what she had been hiding, we fought about everything we had been holding back. I was happy to see her even if she was picking a fight. I hadn’t seen her in two months. I missed everything about her.” I choked again. I couldn’t confess to my members because they missed her as much as I did. I didn’t want this to be painful for them as well. I look down at my watch and notice my vision is blurry. A tear splashed onto my watch as I catch the time.

            Five in the afternoon. What was my schedule today? Didn’t they say it had been cleared this week? Tomorrow would be the two-year anniversary of her leaving. I never knew her to be the type to leave without saying anything.

            “My sin is that I drove away the only person who brightened the world around everyone she met. I knew what I had and in a split second it was tossed to the wind. I tried to recover it. I tried to follow after her, but she was too quick.

“Please forgive me.” I say standing up. I touch my right hand to my forehead.

            “In the name of the father,” I touch my heart next, “The son,” Then I cross my left shoulder to my right, “And the holy spirit.” I breathe out deeply and leave the booth I was occupying. Taking to the streets I wipe my eyes. I hear someone call out to me and I turn to see who it is.

            “Jun-hyung ah!” He called. It was Doo-joon. How did he know where I was? “Why are you coming from that church?”

            “I just had some things to get off of my chest.” I say as I slowly walk away. Trying to compose myself I stop and bend down. Breathing deeply I try to calm myself. But nothing seemed to work on my nerves. I wanted to run so far away that no one would be able to find me no matter how hard they looked. Disappearing seemed the best option for me at this point.

            “Do you miss her that much?” Doo-joon asked. What the hell kind of question was that? Of course I missed her! Not that I wanted to talk about it with my members.

            “Yes,” I simply say burying my face in my hands. “ I miss her so much I feel like dying.”

            “Come with me.” He said grabbing me by the collar of my coat. It would start raining at any second and he was taking me to the park? “Tell me about it,” he said sitting on a bench and propping his elbows up on his knees like a little girl.

            “Hyung, no offense, but I really don’t feel like talking about her right now. Especially not to you or the guys.” I say covering my face. I really did feel like dying.

            “Get it out,” he said.

            “I don’t want to talk about her, okay?” I say, my heart starting to race and convulse. I feel my cheeks drain of all color.

            “You need to talk about it if you are to feel better about it.” He continued.

            “I said I can’t talk about it!” I snap.

            “It hurts that much?” He asks patting me on my back. I start crying. I can see my breath on the air and for some unknown reason it comforts me.

            “Yes,” I say lifting my head, sniffling.

            “Tell me,” he said scooting closer.

            “It’s like I found the one thing that made me happy, but she was all too delighted to leave me. She didn’t even say good-bye. She just left. Without a word she crushed me.”

            “How does your heart feel?” He asks. Trying to fight the tears that were bubbling to the surface I put my head between my knees.

            “Strained. I feel like the only reason I lived was so that I could be with her. When she left me, I…” I had to stop before I gave myself another reason to cry. I stood up from the bench we inhabited and placed my feet firmly on the ground. The world around me was spinning so fast I felt like it too was leaving me and I was powerless to hold it back.

            “When she left, what?” He asked. I can tell we was concerned and curious.

            “When she left a part of me died. I couldn’t function the same anymore, because everything I did, I did as a pair and my other half was gone.”

            “I did notice something off about you when she left. And tomorrow being the two-year anniversary since she left hasn’t been helping you. You need to tell them you need a break.” He said clapping his hand to my back.

            “Our comeback is in a month. I can’t just up and ask for a break from activities.”

            “They are giving all of us this week off from activities and do you know why? They know you need to do something before you crack.” He says.

            “I’m going for a walk.” I say, turning on my heal and walking up the main road. I hear him call after me, but I just keep going. I see a group of friends exit a coffee shop. There are four maybe five of them. Instinctively I scan the crowd for her face. She wasn’t among them. My American beauty was lost and I was never going to get her back. I turn and enter a bread shop.

            “Can I get some steam buns? Seven of them?” I ask as I pull out my wallet. I grab the sack and hand her my money. Walking into the liquor store next door I purchase seven bottles of soju. Tomorrow I would feel worse than today, but that’s what the soju was for.

            “Jun-hyung?” called someone from behind me. “Hyung!” He said walking up to me. Ki-kwang pulled me into a hug. I quickly react.

            “Get off! What was that for?” I ask as I shove him away. He just beamed at me. “What?” I ask.

            “I found her!” He said. What did he mean he found her?

            “What does that even mean?” I ask.

            “Come on, Hyun-seung is waiting!” He said dragging me off in the opposite direction. I held my buns and bottles of soju so tightly I thought they might deflate in my hands. He found who? Wait. He didn’t mean? No. He couldn’t mean her, right? She left, didn’t she?

            “Hyun-seung is watching her so she doesn’t get away and is supposed to call me if she changes her location.” He said, excitedly. He turned a corner and we saw our hyung standing there looking through the bushes like a creeper.

            “Jun-hyung,” he whispered when he saw me coming. He motioned for me to come closer and take a look. I just stood there frozen like a statue.

            “She is right there and you aren’t going to go say hello? She left you and you don’t want to know why?” Asked Ki-kwang confused. I knew why. I knew all too well why. It was a mistake I wasn’t likely to repeat.

            “I don’t want to see her if she doesn’t want to see me.” I say turning and walking away. Ki-kwang follows after me and takes the items out of my hands and places them inside the car that was parked behind them.

            “At least go say hello,” they say.

            My heart is racing a mile a minute and I can feel my stomach in my throat. I sneak a peek at her.

            Oh, god, her smile was brighter than I remember. It really was her. She was laughing at some joke her friend told.

            “Go walk past her and see if she says anything.” They say. I emerge from behind the bush and my heart, I swear, was about to leave my chest and go to her. I walk past her and she smiles up at me. Is she going to say hello?

            “Omo! You’re Jun-hyung from Beast!” One of her friends calls out. “Can we have a picture and an autograph?” I take her pen and sign five pieces of paper and pose six times: once per individual and once as a group. She doesn’t say a word to me. She just stands there and smiles at me.

            I walk away and she giggles with her friends.

            “Hey, you!” I call out turning back around. I approach her and she looks startled. “Are you seriously going to pretend not to remember? Was the year we spent together nothing to you?” I ask as I pull her into a kiss. She tries like hell to push herself away and all of her friends are too shocked to move. I kiss her harder and she relaxes under my grip. I hold her face to mine for another minute. When we part I look into her eyes and what she said shocked me.

            “Why do you feel so familiar?” She asked.

            “Are you still going to pretend?”

            “You feel very familiar, but I really don’t know who you are.” She said. I looked deeper into her eyes and saw absolutely nothing. She really didn’t remember me. The girl I loved was honestly lost.

            “I’m sorry.” She said, as she remained in my arms.