02: 

Last night was hands down my best worst drunk story ever. From vomiting on a stranger, to diving into a pond because I was ‘fed up’ with life—like Luhan had air-quoted—and even stripping my clothes to the extent of Luhan giving me his jacket to cover myself.

Now that I was actually sober, it was pretty humiliating to recall those moments. I usually could handle a few shots. To reach that new level of drunkenness, I didn’t know how much alcohol I had. I even mistook someone else as Chanyeol. Someone who was the opposite of him.

That guy who called me a ert, a stranger, was kind enough to deal with all my s. He even lent me his university hoodie (it was Yonsei and I’m a student from Seoul so we’re basically enemies). I had no idea when to return him his hoodie but he merely shrugged when I brought it up. Maybe he doesn’t wear it anymore.

People began to stare at me the moment I walked out of his building. I would’ve stared at myself too. I must’ve looked weird, with a dripping wet bag hugged across my chest, also dressed in an oversized hoodie with weird duck-printed sweatpants. I shouldn’t complain so I just nodded and thanked Luhan as I left. He seemed to be enjoying all this though, seeing how his mouth had twitched as he tried not to laugh at my look. 

“I’m a mess,” I sighed as I walked emptily back to my place.

I decided to ignore the stares I received. I had better thoughts to attend to. It was late afternoon so I was starving (I turned down Luhan’s offer for breakfast because he looks creepy when he smiles). To make it worse, I hadn’t received any phone calls or texts from Park Chanyeol. This couldn’t be a joke. He looked serious last night so it wasn’t a joke. To be honest, seeing Chanyeol like that, I didn’t know what to do.

I was still mad—that I’m sure of.

But I was also upset at myself for not pushing him harder so that he wouldn’t leave me. I was mad that it was so damn easy for us to separate. It was so easy for him to say it, for him to admit it, that he no longer loves me.

I stopped walking.

Why weren’t there any tears? I was sad, heartbroken, and it still hurts but why didn’t I cry?

The next thing I knew, I was locked inside my apartment. Why did I come back home? It smelled so much like Chanyeol in here. My lips trembled as tears started pooling in my eyes.

“I’m such a mess,” I repeated. Over and over. I left the bag in the living room and stumbled into the bathroom.

I scoffed at my reflection. No wonder people were staring so intensely at me. I literally looked like a bum. My knees gave away and I slipped down onto the cold tiles. The traces of last night’s alcohol began to resurface and my head hurt so much. My throat felt scratchy and I wanted to pee. I felt fever coming up (since I did dunk myself into the river like I’m Park Taehwan battling for a medal in the Olympic yesterday) and I just wanted to lie down and forget everything.

I wanted to cry too.

I wanted to cry so much but I didn’t want to appear so weak. So sentimental. So worthless. So powerless. I didn’t want to feel like that. I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to disappear.

Is it bad that I miss him already?

I didn’t know how long I had sat on the tile in the bathroom. I was startled back into reality when I heard a few knocks on the front door. The knocks continued for a few moments before the beeping of the passcode lock replaced the noise. There are only two people who know the passcode to my house apart from myself. Though I wanted Yumi, my best friend’s comfort right now, Chanyeol would’ve made everything so much better.

I couldn’t bear to turn around to see who was coming. All I could do was to hug my knees together and prayed that this was all a bad dream.

I heard a gasp, a female voice, “Soo Ae, are you okay?”

Yumi squatted next to me, brushing my hair off my face. It was a while before I could collect myself altogether and flashed a small smile at her. She was frowning as she looked at me. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head. I retched but nothing came out. It felt and tasted even worse. Yumi stopped patting my back and instead scanned me from head to toe. She raised her brows, “Where did you stay the night? I called you countless of times but you didn’t answer me. You didn’t even check your Line messages.”

“Chanyeol broke up with me.” I confessed. Yumi just stared back at me. Did she know about it already? By the reaction she gave, I guessed she must’ve known about it. Chanyeol told her. So he really was dead serious about it. He would not come here later and apologize and hug me and—he still chose to leave me. I leaned back against the wall and sighed, “He said that feelings can grow but they can go away too. He doesn’t like me anymore.”

“I know about the breakup,” Yumi said, “He told the rest of us yesterday. I thought he was joking but seeing you like this…” She trailed off. So the group met up yesterday. And they didn’t say anything to me. Yumi moved closer, “He felt guilty about it. I really thought that he didn’t mean it but then you didn’t answer any of my calls and I was so worried. You made me so worried.” She pouted and again, I smiled weakly at her, “Do you want me to talk to him though?”

He said he doesn’t even feel the sparks anymore, whatever that means.

I shook my head. I didn’t need her to fix this mess for me.

“Can you leave me alone? I need time.” I slowly got up and leaned against the sink. I looked away, counting the tiles under my feet instead of looking at Yumi. She was silent for a few seconds and I was about to look up when she suddenly hugged me. It almost brought me to tears but I tried to hold it back, blinking rapidly. I hugged her back. I could feel my lips trembling again and I hated it. I hated how weak I felt.

“It’s okay to cry, Soo Ae.” Yumi said before she walked out from the toilet. She stayed for a few minutes to clean my mess up as I sat on the toilet bowl, watching the taps leaking a bit—I must have it fixed soon. Moments later, Yumi poked her head inside the bathroom to tell me that she was leaving and I replied her with a small hum.

She was still reluctant to leave me alone but she still has class and I really needed to be alone. To think. To not think. I don’t know.

I groaned into my hands. When did I grow so frail and puny?

Turning around, I saw my reflection again. Shaking my head, I walked out of the bathroom and slammed the door roughly.

I spent the next empty hours watching a drama marathon and thinking about the real reason behind my breakup. It was during the point of vomiting because you are too bored, too tired and too sad about something that I realized how pathetic I had become. True, Chanyeol had broken up with me but my pride won’t let me wilt miserably on my own.

I took a long shower, scrubbing my skin with soap, shampooing my hair twice (should I cut my hair? No, you’ll look even uglier, Soo Ae). After cleaning myself, I wore the sweetest looking dress I had and also a cute pair of flat shoes. I needed to get out of this place. Everything inside the house reminds me of Park Chanyeol.

The bed where he comfortably lie on like it’s his own, the nightstand he’d trip over every morning, the kitchen where he cooks for me all the time, the late night movies in the living room, the spontaneous jamming session right before classes, the kisses by the front door, the stolen glances on the dining table, the small smiles illuminated by the only light from the television. Why is this so hard?

I stepped back into the house to retrieve my guitar. This time, I didn’t hesitate to turn around and close the door behind my back.

It was a 20-minutes-walk to the nearest park and I was already worn out. It was an autumn evening and my dress was flapping playfully because of the wind. It was cold but I could manage. Pulling the earphones off my ears, I noticed that it was quiet but still breezy—just one of your perfect autumn views.

I sat on one of the benches, leaning as I took in the surroundings, finally feeling carefree. But then again, Chanyeol and I used to come here too. I cursed myself, not everything revolves around him, wake up!

I was halfway ping the guitar case when I heard someone approaching me. The sound of dead leaves being stepped on was kind of creepy and I watched too much Criminal Minds and CSIs to be paranoid over little details like that. Still, I wouldn’t be kidnapped on bright daylight, won’t I? Slowly looking up, I saw a man hovering over, analyzing me.

The setting sun was glowing over the man’s face, making it harder for me to recognize him. I pulled my head away and squinted my eyes. He smiled and only then I could put a name on him—it was Luhan.

“You know,” He smiled prettily and eyed me from head to toe. “For someone who seemed like a bum yesterday, you’re actually pretty decent looking. Not bad.”

Meeting Luhan on the park was totally unexpected. Seeing Chanyeol with his hands inside his pockets, waiting for me was even surprising. I got up, putting the guitar next to me and looked at him. Luhan hummed in confusion and he followed my eyes.

Chanyeol narrowed his eyes and he looked amused at the stranger. Slowly, he made his way towards us. I smiled, trying to reach to him but he had his hand up, stopping me. “I was terribly worried about you.”

I smiled and walked closer to him. He was regretting what he said last night—I thought. We will be back together—I hoped. But Chanyeol had this disgusted look on his face and he was staring blankly at me. “I was terribly worried about you.” He repeated, “I thought that you’d be waiting for me to return but seeing this,” He looked at Luhan and scoffed. Chanyeol then looked at me again and chuckled bitterly. “I guess I worried for nothing.”

“No, Chanyeol,” I tried to explain. “This isn’t like what you think.”

“What I think?” He started to raise his volume. “You were waiting for me to cut things with you, right?” He accused. “You didn’t have to wait for another day to sob about me, huh? He is already here after all. So how does it feel, having me replaced?”

“Chanyeol, you have it all wrong.” I argued. “I didn’t know him. I just met him yesterday when—”

“Stop lying to me with your filthy lies.” He glared at me. That was shocking and I could only look at him. I tried to look into his eyes and reach out to him. Chanyeol faked a laugh and sighed. “I thought that you were different, Soo. I thought that you were genuine with your feelings. You said that you love me. You said that I was the only one for you but—” He paused and took out his hands. “What do we have here then?”

“I think that you got it wrong, man.” Luhan finally said something. I felt bad for him. He had nothing to do with this breakup after all. He was accused too and I bet that he felt wronged. Chanyeol gave him a nonchalant look and sneered quietly. Luhan tried to calm Chanyeol down, “I just approached her today. I didn’t even know her name.”

“So it was you?” Chanyeol changed his target. “You seduced her, is that it? I don’t think so, mister. You don’t look like a jerk. How smitten are you to actually stand up for your girl? She said she met you yesterday but you said that you were just approaching her—you two are both liars!”

“Park Chanyeol,” I called him, taking his hands into mine. Chanyeol spat my hand away and took a step back. I frowned. “What is wrong with you? Why are you trying to put the blame on others?”

“So it’s my fault that we broke up? Or could it possibly be that—have you two started going out even before we broke up? I mean, it could only work that way.”

I stood up to Chanyeol and just stared at him. What could’ve possibly gone wrong with our relationship? When did it change? He took everything I said and twisted it on his own. Luhan looked very uncomfortable standing there but I was just so mad to even care about him. Chanyeol was still glaring at the innocent man before he glanced back at me. He was so good at feigning hurt—at pretending to be the victim.

“Why aren’t you listening to me?” I softly asked, mumbling.

“I felt fooled and wronged, that’s why!” He shouted at me. No—I tried to shake the thoughts away. This is not Chanyeol. My boyfriend would never raise his voice at me. Chanyeol would always listen to me first. I’ve never seen him venting his anger at someone else—let alone me. This must be a dream—this is a nightmare. There’d be no way that Chanyeol would act like a complete opposite.

“I have never looked at other man. How could you not trust me?”

“How could I do?” He asked me back. “It was me who broke up with you but you held the choice, Soo-ah. You could’ve hold on to me. What did I expect anyway? You didn’t even cry when I asked for a break up yesterday. You were anticipating that, weren’t you?” He accused yet again.

I could only shake my head. When I tried to talk to him about it, a slap landed on my cheek. Luhan was the one who supported me back up and he pushed Chanyeol slightly. “I didn’t know what happened between the two of you but—”

“I thought I’d be different. I thought that I could break your walls. And I thought that I had it once. This is what you want, right?”

“Park Chanyeol—”

“Chanyeol-ssi—”

Chanyeol didn’t even look back at me when he walked away. Only then, a tear rolled down my cheek and I looked away from Luhan. But it was no use—with me sobbing and whimpering like that, anyone could easily assume that I was crying. Luhan just stood there and he stared at me—feeling sorry was it? I bit my bottom lip and the tears were unstoppable.

How could two persons who have loved each other dearly become strangers in a split second?

“I-I didn’t know—” Luhan finally said. I sighed and shook my head, wiping my tears away. I didn’t realize that I had asked that out loud.

“Perhaps he was right,” I looked at Luhan. It was weird how a stranger knows me more than Chanyeol does. “Perhaps it was me.”