10:

Apparently, Jongdae and Kris knew no words such as ‘personal boundary’ and ‘alone’ in their vocabularies. They had followed me home, introduced themselves to my mother and that was how we ended up in this situation.

“Do you have your friends over like this all the time?” Jongdae asked.

In the darkness, I could feel his stare at me. We were in my room at my parent’s house with Kris’ and Jongdae’s bodies sprawled down the floor as they squished themselves comfortably inside the sleeping comforters. I grunted at the fact that my parents had easily welcomed two strangers in our house (in my room particularly) so easily. Didn’t they know that I’m a girl and these two are two hormonal young men?

“Yeah,” I answered Jongdae’s question, “My friend, Yumi practically stays here every semester break.” And so did Chanyeol sometimes, but they did not have to know that. In fact, I doubted that they even know about Chanyeol. Luhan kept things mostly to himself (although I suspected that Minseok might know one thing or two about my past).

“That’s nice.” Kris commented this time, “They must’ve trusted you a lot. It’s surprising that they are so friendly to us. They even let us sleep inside your room, with you. I find it sweet that they’re open-minded and supportive of you. It’s like they know that you’re not going to do any funny business with us.”

“They just like it when I introduce my friends to them. I don’t normally do.” I explained.

It was silent for a few minutes. I gripped the blanket tighter and cringed at how uncomfortable I was.

“Are you nervous?” Jongdae broke the silence. He was clearly talking about my stage tomorrow. I hummed quietly. I had no time to practice since I landed here. The guitar must’ve been untuned too. Suddenly, his phone beeped and he swiped it unlock. The sudden brightness in the room caused all three of us to squint our eyes. Jongdae typed the message a reply with a smirk on his face. Kris snickered too when he saw the text.

I looked away from them and stared up at the ceiling. Come to think of it, it was indeed funny how I came to sleep in the same room with acquantainces I barely knew.

Kris and Jongdae chuckled at his phone and I tried not to think of a pair of doe eyes back in Beijing. I wanted to ask ‘was it Luhan’ but they wouldn’t shut up if they hear that. So instead, I swallowed my saliva and turned to face the wall. It was obvious though. It must’ve been Luhan.

“He’s worried about you, you know.” Jongdae said. “It’s cute how he tries to be subtle about it.”

“Stop trying to make something out of nothing,” I snorted. They were so eager about exposing Luhan’s so-called feelings towards me. I found it amusing too, how Luhan treats me differently from other girls but I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. Even if I acknowledge the fact, I won’t know what to do about it. In the end, I’d overthink everything. I had too much on my mind already. I didn’t want to add to it. 

Kris chuckled at my response. “You’re both the same. You shouldn’t deny it when you do feel something, Soo Ae. It’s not a bad thing to fall in love with someone. You’re making it sound like it’s a hideous disease.”

Okay, I admitted that I do feel flutters and butterflies whenever Luhan’s around. Maybe it’s just because of his pretty face. Talking and being with Luhan is comfortable and he makes me feel at ease. I like hating him and knowing that our insults toward each other wasn’t really all true. I like being friends with him. Being in love with him though, I don’t think that I’d want that. Pain comes along with love. It can easily break significant ties within just a second. Friendship with Luhan is far way more important than admitting to unsure feelings and emotions.

“He knows that you know about his feelings. And you know that too, right?”

I didn’t know how to answer such a straight-forward question.

“Don’t think about it like you’re trying to solve a Math problem. It’s not a war when you both want the same thing.”

“We both want the same thing,” I agreed, “And that is not to ruin our friendship. This is enough. I don’t love Luhan.”

They grew quiet. Minutes later, their breaths evened out. I stirred on my bed and stared up at the ceiling again. I was so used to hitting and joking around with Jongdae that it’s almost awkward to have this conversation with him. And with Kris, I almost threw up on him twice and both situations took place months ago. They weren’t exactly the ideal people I wanted to have this conversation with. Somehow though, it was far more convenient than any other serious conversations I had with the crowd I call my friends.

I sighed and let my mind shut down so I could try to get proper sleep for the evaluation tomorrow afternoon.

“Yet,” Jongdae suddenly said. Kris chuckled right away and I rolled my eyes at them. “Soo Ae, you’re not in love with Luhan yet.”

“You’re very funny, you know that.” Yumi rolled her eyes as she tried to pull out her ‘scolding’ tone. “You could’ve said something to me. You didn’t have to stay at your parent’s house and take time to come all the way here. I would’ve invited you over at my apartment.”

“I didn’t want to burden you.” I made an excuse. I took the time to look over at my guitar, plucking at the strings as if I didn’t tune them yet. “And besides, you would’ve made a fuss about it. I was trying to avoid being nagged by you, Yumi. Even so, things spread faster around here. You did eventually find me here today, right?”

“That’s not the point,” She sighed. She sat next to me on the bench just outside the music department auditorium. It looked like Yumi had just finished her class, judging from the books she had on her lap. “It seems like you didn’t see me as your friend anymore. You don’t call, don’t accept my calls and didn’t even send any emails to me. We used to be inseparable you know, and now you’re so distant that I didn’t know what to do anymore. I felt like I have lost you.”

Just then, a group of girls passed us and they stared at me for a while before bursting into hushed whispers. Yumi simply glared at the crowd before looking at me.

“It had been hard for me.” I admitted. The stares, the whispers, the assumptions—everyone seemed to be on Chanyeol’s side and labeling me as the bad one. I knew this would come if we were to break up one day. Chanyeol is in a band and has a decent amount of fans. It was already a mess when we started dating. It got much worse when we broke up. “I was just tired of pretending to be unaffected by it. I know that you’d understand. But some might not.”

“It’s okay to lean on other people sometimes.” Yumi decided for me. “You’re wrong if you think that you can do this on your own.”

“That’s why I left.” I chuckled weakly. Yumi’s expression changed. “I’m not saying that I’m going to live there forever. I don’t even speak that language fluently. And it’s not like I can leave my family here. They need me. I just need a year off from this environment. I’ll be back next semester.”

“Are you happier there?” She asked, leaning her head on my shoulder. I smiled at the gesture and patted her thigh.

“It’s tolerable.”

“Are there many hot guys?”

I thought of Jongdae and his evil cackling laugh, Yixing’s expressionless and lifeless state as he goes through his day. Tao’s whining and wails and constant emotion changes and also Minseok looking like he was done with everything around him. I also remember green grass, soccer practices and Luhan’s coffee.

“It’s not that different from here.” I replied. “This place is still my home but I found myself calmer there. I forget about everything.”

“Found any potential boyfriends?”

“What’s with your questions?” I asked her, slapping her head away. Yumi laughed but she shrugged at my response.

“I thought of visiting you there some times. To see how you’re doing. I don’t have any friends who would shamelessly pinch me and borrow my shampoo after you left. I have to sleep at freaking 9pm because there’s no one to watch drama marathons with me. I’ve lost weight too because I don’t eat ramen at late nights.”

“You’re speaking like I’ve rubbed bad habits on you.” I pouted, finally putting my guitar aside and looked at Yumi. Well, she did appear a bit thinner. She protruded her lips and I rolled my eyes, nudging her for being too clingy. Yeah, I’ve missed this too.

“I didn’t know that you’re coming over for this.” Kyungsoo said, making a space for me as I sat next to him. His eyes were wide but his face showed a pleasant look. I’ve always like this side of Kyungsoo. He’s very close to Chanyeol and he knows how Chanyeol is. When the break up happened, I think Kyungsoo didn’t blame me as much as everyone else did. “When did you arrive?”

“Just yesterday,” I answered him. It was still awkward though. The last time I had seen him, it was the night where they brought me to the club for the ‘talk’ with Chanyeol. I guessed that it was the same for Kyungsoo as he looked very uncomfortable next to me.

The lecturer began talking without his mic so it was a bit difficult to catch what he was talking about. Mr. Kim seemed enthusiastic though as he kept on making gestures with his hands and welcomed everyone. When he caught me sitting at the row with Kyungsoo, he broke into a big grin. I gave an awkward smile before leaning back into my seat. If it was anyone else and not this class, I wouldn’t bother coming over to South Korea just for an evaluation. I could just send a tape from China and be done with it. But I also knew that I’d received a childish talk about unprofessionalism from him when I return the next semester.

“Everyone was worried at some points,” Kyungsoo admitted. I looked at him but he had his attention on the stage. I did notice how he kept on fiddling with his fingers and it made me just as nervous. I hadn’t been singing in front of a crowd for so long. Back in China, I enrolled myself in the composition class and kept the lesson private with a Korean tutor. I couldn’t grasp the fast Chinese with the rest of my course mates.

Kyungsoo suddenly sighed and I looked at him again. “You couldn’t just disappear just like that, Soo Ae. We were worried. And Yumi wouldn’t tell us a thing. She had stopped hanging out with us completely, choosing to go shopping with her Literature friends.”

“Can we not talk about this now?” I asked him.

“When can we ever talk about something like this?” He asked me back.

“I hope I wasn’t late.” A voice panted from the row behind us. I turned around and caught Baekhyun’s surprised eyes at me. He pointed at me and then looked at Kyungsoo, as if he couldn’t believe that I was really here in front of him. “You—” It seemed like he had run all the way here from the way he was having a coughing fit.

“Take care of your voice, Baek.” Another presence joined us as he seated himself next to Baekhyun. Joonmyun didn’t realize me sitting there yet and he handed a bottle of water to Baekhyun. He was breathing heavily too and when he finally turned to the front, he seemed almost calm about it. Instead of questioning me, Joonmyun gave a wild smile and placed his hand on my shoulder.

“Welcome back,” He whispered before leaning back to his seat. Kyungsoo stared at the interaction before smiling at me as well. I knew that Baekhyun was still eyeing me as if I had grown another head but swiftly, I turned around too and decided to listen to Mr. Kim’s excited explanation about the purpose of this evaluation.

“We are so celebrating this tonight.” I heard Baekhyun whispering at us before staring at Mr. Kim who had just finished his introduction.

I tried to bite back the ‘I need to go home tomorrow night’ to them.

“You’re a !” Jongdae whined when I met him after I finished my performance. I excused myself from Kyungsoo and the others right after the whole deal was over and I didn’t see them complaining. Baekhyun did threaten to cut me off his life if I didn’t show up tonight at Spectrum.

“Excuse me?” I raised my brows at Jongdae.

Jongdae pouted but still laughed at my reaction. “I mean, you’re my !”

Kris decided to pipe up for his friend, explaining my lack of understatement on Jongdae’s behavior. “He’s excited that you’re very good. We filmed the whole thing, from where you got up and perform like you own the stage and also the praises your lecturer gave. Yixing would be damn satisfied with this recording. Jongdae decided to send the file over to the boys back in China and we can all have Skype conversation with them tonight.”

I was about to voice out my opinion but Jongdae puffed his palm over my mouth. “You did enough today. Not only did you ‘forget’ to wake Yifan and me up but you also came here all alone. We almost didn’t make it, you know.”

“How did you know your way here then?” I asked, shoving his hand away from my mouth.

“I studied here before. Didn’t I tell you?” He blinked back. “Anyway, I bumped into my friend, Chanyeol on my way here. When he heard that I’m coming to watch the so-called recital Mr. Kim was holding, he showed me the way here.”

I tried not to let my expression fell when I heard Chanyeol’s name. So instead, I just smiled at him and started to walk back.

“Your mother gave us her permission,” Kris said, “I have your bag in my car. We’re staying at my house tonight. But before that, we’ll have to stop by at the nearest convenience store and buy Jongdae’s toothbrush.”

I cringed at Jongdae’s breath and he gave me a whining response. I’d have to call my mother later and nagged her about leaving me with two hormonal young men alone. These trivial thoughts were not enough for me not to think about Chanyeol though. Also, I’d have to call Baekhyun to let him know that I couldn’t come to the ‘celebratory party’ he was planning. For the record, I pulled my phone out and typed a quick message at the boy. That’d save me from hearing his whines.

“Ah—” I suddenly remembered. Jongdae looked up from the video performance he had recorded and Kris slowed down too. Only then did I realize that he was holding my guitar case. What the heck with this man and his obsession to hold my stuff for me? I pulled the case back and gave them an apologetic look. “Sorry guys, I was planning to stay over at my friend, Yumi’s house tonight. And no—” I looked at Jongdae, “You can’t stay with us tonight. We’re both girls.”

He rolled his eyes and pouted but I caught how he nodded his head proudly.

“I’ll let your Luhan know that you did well today then.” Jongdae teased. I shoved him so hard that he almost stumbled towards Kris.