04:

“Is it true?” That was Baekhyun’s first question to me when he met me at school the next day. I assumed that the whole campus knew about me and Chanyeol breaking up. I had weird stares and whispers around me ever since I showed up that morning. It didn’t feel better even when I already expected this kind of treatment. To make it worse, I was absent for classes for a few days.

I still felt unwell and it took me frustratingly long minutes to get to my class. I was discharged late evening yesterday and my hand was still in pain—the IV drop was basically glued to my hand for three days solid. Luhan disappeared after completing my discharge procedure. I guess that’d be the best thing to do too. Last night was no better—with only a packet of ramen and a cider, I watched the TV until late night.

“Soo Ae,” Baekhyun called again. I looked at him and finally stopped. Somehow, I was a bit hurt that they didn’t contact me while I was at the hospital. Baekhyun did call but I still felt bad about it. I know that I was acting like a kid but I had the reasons to do so. He tilted his head and commented, “Are you okay? You don’t look fine.”

 Baekhyun was about to check my forehead but his hand fell shortly. His eyes were focused on something else—or rather someone else. I didn’t have to guess it. Even if I didn’t try, the sudden silence around us proved it right. I continued my limping walk towards the lecture hall—15 more minutes and I’d be late for class. 

“Is it true?” Sehun asked, nudging my side. He was beside me, walking ahead of the rest of the boys. “Where were you? We were terribly worried, you know. I tried to call but…” He looked at Chanyeol for a while before sighing. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re here. But you really do look unwell. Are you okay?”

“I’m good.” I mumbled.

Kyungsoo caught up by my side and took my books off my hands, “Don’t lie. You don’t look fine.” His hand rested on my forehead and I stubbornly pushed him away. “You didn’t show up to classes. Did you rest at home for the past days? What exactly happened to you?”

“I wasn’t at home.” I answered him.

“Where were you then?” It was Jongin this time. This guy is a bit hard to please. Though Baek is Chanyeol’s best friend but Jongin gets really protective of his friends. We weren’t that friendly around each other and everyone knows it. I don’t know why—he just doesn’t like me. “You could’ve at least call—”

“I’ll get going first.” Chanyeol’s voice was cold. His steps increased and he was already gone by the time I realized it. Stopping in my stance, I tried to fight back the tears. I spun around, trying to walk the opposite direction of Chanyeol’s but I suddenly remembered about my class.

“What exactly happened?” Baekhyun asked again. “I heard the rumors but I don’t trust it. Not until I heard it from you myself.”

“What rumors?” I asked weakly.

“You cheated on Chanyeol.” Joonmyun said when no one else could. They all looked away and avoided my eyes but Joonmyun’s glance remained stern. “He said so himself.”

“And you believe him?” I asked, suddenly raged. Baekhyun looked back at me and sighed. I looked at him in disbelief. “You really believe him?”

“Chanyeol hyung is not the type to lie.” Sehun reasoned out. Kyungsoo nudged him but the youngest one remained demanding for answer. I felt small really—being confronted by my ex-boyfriend’s friends. I don’t know how bad I look in their eyes right now. But it must be pretty bad to this extent.

“And do I look like I would cheat on Park Chanyeol?” I asked them—loud and clear. It came out not as good as I wanted it to be. My voice cracked in the end of my words. “Do I look like I would do that to him? Why do you think that I was away these past days?”

“Chanyeol is our friend, Soo Ae. As much as we love you, Chanyeol is our friend.” It was Joonmyun again. Who knows the quiet one could say the most hurtful words. I felt wronged, accused, terribly blamed and everyone didn’t seem to trust me. Not even a single glint of trust. I stopped scanning their faces and shook my head.

“I can’t believe this.” I walked away from them. I was a bit slow but I wanted to show that I am strong enough. It was not until the end of the hallway that I bumped into my lecturer. Luckily I hadn’t burst into tears yet. That’d be embarrassing to watch.

“Oh, Soo Ae, you’re here already? I thought that the hospital had informed us that you just woke up yesterday?” He seemed awed with me showing up at school. I smiled weakly and made way for him. “Are you going to my class?”

“I don’t feel well for some reasons.” I made an excuse. “Can I just—”

Mr. Kim suddenly felt guilty. “Well, if you insist. You really do look unwell.” He said. He patted my shoulder encouragingly and dismissed me, “Get enough rest. If you think you can, come to school tomorrow. Stop pushing yourself too hard.” For once, I felt that someone was finally on my side.

“Do check your assignments and discuss your missed topics with your course mates, Soo Ae.”

I hummed forcefully.

Stepping outside of the school, I thought to myself, ‘Now what should I do?’

The following week couldn’t be better. It was worse. I think that for my entire school life—this would be the worst. There are people who felt sorry for me—those who know that I won’t cheat on Chanyeol. But there are also people who still see him like I used to—bright, cheerful and he just did a small mistake. Some even tried to hook us back together.

Some blamed me for the breakup. I heard whispers, talks about me cheating on Chanyeol. Some are useless rumors but there were a few talks about a particular Chinese man. Though Luhan came to my mind—it was still untrue. How did they even find out about that anyway? Chanyeol was the only who had seen me with Luhan and that was only for a brief second. I didn’t want to believe that it was really him who spread these groundless gossips. I stopped talking to Chanyeol ever since, talked less with his friends and started to distance myself from them.

It is awkward—not receiving any calls or texts from him. But it’s even more awkward staying in the same class as him, talking with the same mutual friends, eating on the same table in the cafeteria. I kept myself from doing the last one lately. I was trying to cope myself with the new situation—just like how I did when I know nothing about Chanyeol.

But both Chanyeol and I know that it won’t work.

I was his best friend before we even became a thing. We shared too many stories for it to be unremembered. I still feel his presence inside my house. His humane scent, his extra toothbrush next to mine, his own coffee mug on the shelf, his stupid drawing on my refrigerator. Heck, every ing time I pick my guitar up, I’d be reminded about him. About us.

I was falling miserably. People began to be wary around me. Yumi treats me like I’d break down the moment she touches me. There was no other solution but to draw a line from these people.

There are people who took the breakup as a blessing—his little fan club for an example. They tried to be mad at me for the separation but they were just too happy that Chanyeol is now back being single. Of course there are people who couldn’t care less but it was still hard.

I might look fine but I was suffering inside.

Chanyeol knows that too.

“What’s on your mind?” I heard someone asking. Turning around, I found Chanyeol staring down at me. I hummed, acknowledging his presence and tried to act like I’m okay. He knew that I’m not.

“Nothing,” I shifted to give him some space to sit. This is awkward.

“You don’t look fine.” He started, giving me a can of coke. I put my books away and tried to open the can. Seeing me struggling, Chanyeol did it for me. I mumbled a small ‘thanks’ and sipped on it quietly. I just couldn’t stand being mad at him. Chanyeol sighed and he looked at me, “You don’t look fine, Soo Ae. And it’s all because of me.”

“You don’t say,” I replied back with much enthusiasm. Some students passed and shared a look with one another. I was just as curious as them about what Chanyeol has to say.

“You look unwell, and out of spirit,” Somewhat an opposite from Chanyeol. “You’re making me feel bad.”

“What should I do about it then?” Is he trying to get back together with me? I looked at Chanyeol and noticed his eyes. He didn’t look at me like how I look at him. The sparks were no longer there. What do I expect from him anyway? It was bad enough—the misunderstandings we had. And it gave Chanyeol more excuses to leave me.

“Things aren’t good with your baby-faced guy? I heard rumors about him.”

“You know there has never been another guy in our relationship, Chanyeol.” I argued. I don’t know how those rumors surfaced but it was still a misunderstanding. “I don’t even know him.”

“I saw you with him.” Chanyeol’s grip on his can became tighter. I placed my hand on him and squeezed it gently. Looking at him, I tried to wake the senses on Chanyeol.

“Luhan helped me once,” Well maybe twice when he sent me to a hospital, “And that was it. Why are you being so defensive anyway? You know I never look at anyone else but you.”

“And that’s the problem.” Excuse me? He took my hand in his but slowly put it down. Getting up, he looked at me for the last time. “We are never getting back together, Soo Ae. I… I really loved you but it’s just that—with everything that happens lately—”

I get it. I get it now.

“I’m sorry.” Chanyeol said. “Let’s just be friends again. I’ll forget everything about that Lu—”

“Luhan has nothing to do with this. He was just being at the wrong place in a wrong time. This is not about him. This is about you, us. If you’re sick with me being plain and looking at only you, you shouldn’t blame it on others.” I stood up as well and looked back at him. Chanyeol seemed taken aback but his composure was still stable.

“I’m sorry, Chanyeol,” I said. “I’m sorry that I was never good enough for you.” With that, I walked away.

Boy, it felt so good.