"Hyung, can I lie on your lap?" I asked. He gently pat his lap, acknowledging a yes. I laid my head on his muscular thigh and closed my eyes. I felt his hands slowly caressing my hair as he attempted to brush the hair away from my eyes. I smiled and snuggled onto his thighs once again, making myself comfortable. 

'If only you knew, hyung. If only.'

It has been years. That million watt smile which open my heart up once again. Those eyes that turn into crescents when he smile. Those arms that never failed to comfort me when I am sad. And that heart that never fails to hold any grudges against anyone even when they had done him wrong. You were always there no matter whether I am happy or sad. Those ups and downs I went through, you never failed to leave me alone. Those broken relationships that caused me so much grief and heartbreak, you were with me each and every time. Staying up with me when everyone else is asleep, holding me in your arms and rocking me as I cried over silly and unimportant things. But the next morning, I would act as if I am all right and ignored you whenever you came near me. 

I refused to let anyone know that I needed you. I brushed you off whenever we were with our members. I put on a strong front and acted like I didn't need you. You understood and walked away. I coldly told you off when you talked to me, even when all you just want to know was whether I am all right. I hate that disappointed face of yours when I tell you off. I blame myself for it, but I am sorry I can't help it. The Almighty Key is strong, and does not need anyone's help. 

However, at night, when the mask of mine is ripped off, I felt once again vulnerable and you were there with me once again. You never failed to give me assurance. Your presence makes me feel safe and that I do not require anything else except you. You were the reason why I was living. You might not know, but in my heart, you were already mine. 

I am jealous of Taemin. How could he get so close to you while I can’t? That is just unfair. I know you treat Taemin as your brother, but can't you see that he likes you too? Stop getting so close to him, please. You are mine, hyung. I wish I could wipe off that smile he is giving you, because it’s killing me inside how he could smile at you this way and yet I can't. 

A few days later, you called me out and told me there was something important we need to talk about. I agreed. When I got there, you told me to sit down and you ordered my favourite drink, iced Americano. I told you that I was busy and I need to leave shortly and hurried you to say. I could see you gripping the edge of your shirt tightly as you took a deep breath and said, "Key, I like you." At that moment, I really wanted to jump and hug you because our feelings were mutual. But instead, I said something, something that was opposite to how I was feeling. "Sorry the feelings aren't mutual." And I left. From then on, you never came to me in the night anymore.

I know you were hurt terribly. I am too. It's tearing me apart in the inside. I've said the wrong things and now I am regretting it so badly. But it's too late for any regrets. The truth is, I was afraid. What if we got together and I didn't turn out like how you expected me to? What if you were to leave me? I can't deal with any more heartbreak because I know this feeling for you is not normal. It's not like the previous ones. I am scared. I know if we were to break up, the heartache is going to kill me because I can't bear losing you. 

One day became one week and one week became months and finally you got over it. By then, Taemin got into a relationship with Jonghyun. Recently, I've been seeing you smile to your phone. And it kills me in the inside to know that you have found someone new. Our members have been teasing you and you kept mum no matter how much they begged you to tell them. I gave a bitter smile and told them to stopped bothering you and you gave me a small smile and mouthed thanks before walking into the room. The members pouted and said that I was no fun. I went into the room that we shared and said, "Texting your girlfriend?" You turned to me and pouted, "not you too!!" I smiled and brought my clothes to the toilet to change. When I came out, you said, "going out?" 

"Going for a routine checkup. See ya later!" And I left the dorm.

Few days later, you texted all of us to meet you at the café near the dorm as you wanted to tell us something. As we arrived, I spot a girl sitting next to you. The members cheered as you introduced her to them. I gave you a fake smile and pretended that I was happy for you when I am shattering inside. "Congratulations leader!" Our members were congratulating you as she was your first girlfriend. If only they knew that you already confessed to me. In the midst of "celebrating", I received a phone call to inform me that my report was out and I could go and collect it. 

Exactly a week after that, we were the only ones left in the dorm as the rest went for their schedules. I told you, "hyung, let’s go cycling." Before you could say anything I dragged you into the room and dumped some clothes at you and made you change into it. I was so geared up for it and made you drive us to the park. At the park, I excitedly ran to the bicycle rental shop and rented two bicycles and we cycled until we reached the lake. 

I said that I was tired and suggested that we take a break. You agreed and we settled our bicycles down and sat down. 

"Hyung, can I lie on your lap?" I asked. He gently pat his lap, acknowledging a yes. I laid my head on his muscular thigh and closed my eyes. I felt his hands slowly caressing my hair as he attempted to brush the hair away from my eyes. I smiled and snuggled onto his thighs once again, making myself comfortable. 

'If only you knew, hyung. If only.'

"Kim Kibum-ssi, I am sorry to tell you that we have found a tumor in your brain that is pressing against your nerves and it needs to be removed as quickly as possible. However, as this concerns the brain, it is quite risky. Also it is at the base of the skull which is the most dangerous part of the brain to operate on..."

"Doctor, you don't need to go on. If I don't want to take the risk of operation, how long can I live?"

"Maximum 1 year."

"Okay doctor, I don't want the operation."