When you're happy, you're like dry sand. Always slipping through my fingers, always escaping, always running away from me. And that dry afterfeeling on my hands is like the fake smile I put on everytime I say that "I'm okay."

When you're down, you're like wet sand. Always clinging to me, sticking to me, washing me with waves of sadness. Even if I brush you off, the strange leftover sticky feeling is like a blanket of guilt that clings to me until you dry.

I sit on the couch alone, surfing through the TV channels, trying to find something, anything, interesting to watch. Usually, in the daytime, I'm on my computer and my piano, thinking of melodies and harmonies to go with lyrics. When evening arrives, I prepare dinner and when I'm done cooking, he comes home and we eat together, talking and catching up on our day. 

It's already 1:00 in the morning and he's still not home. Again. 

I sigh as I turn off the TV and stand up. Taking a look up at the clock, I yawn and shake my head. I guess I should sleep. No matter how badly I want to stay awake to wait until he comes home, I decide that it's better to simply let time solve the problems. 

This is the fourteenth time it has happened in a row (yes, I've been counting); him not coming back on time, him not calling or texting me to tell me I don't need to make a dinner for two. Now every two days, I eat leftovers from the day before because of lack of contact. 

But even though every night, he comes back late, at least he comes home. Every morning in the early hours, I feel the bed dip beside me and I smile, turning around and allow myself to indulge in his warmth, resting my forehead on his muscular chest. In the morning, I wake up to his peaceful sleeping expression and wiggle my nose when I smell a faint breath of alcohol, but I don't care. Already, I'm content he's here and he's with me. 

Tonight is the same. I head upstairs and turn off the lights before clambering into bed, bringing the covers up to my chin and staring up at the ceiling. It's okay. I'm used to this. 

I reminisce about the past, about our days in high school when we were young and full of life. I'm not saying I'm not young now, I'm only 28 or god's sake, but we haven't been on a date for ages. For accurately, we haven't been on a date since we got married. He got a job and left early in the morning usually before I woke up. 

Now for the past two weeks, I open my eyes earlier than him just so that I can see his face, the tranquil expression he wears, the only expression I now see except the cold, hard bearing look when he goes off to work. 

Before I know it, an hour has passed and I'm still lying there in darkness, when I hear the lock of the front door click open and tumbling footsteps. I shoot up from bed and immediately rush down the stairs, oblivious to the noisy grunts and heavy breaths. I stop at the foot of the steps, no, more like freeze. Eyes widening until the size of plates, my heart drops with a thud and my breath gets caught in my throat. 

He has a girl pinned to the wall beside the door and they're making out like there's no tomorrow. The girl catches my eye and she quickly pushed him away, blushing in embarrassment. 

He sees me and says, "It's okay. Let's continue."

My hands clench into fists as he connects their lips again and I feel tears welling up but I quickly look down, not wanting him to see me crying, even though I already know he wouldn't notice since he's drunk and busy making out with another woman, someone who's not me. How can he cheat on me right in front of my face, right when I'm boring stares into his side? More importantly, he's not even wearing the ring, our ring. If he wants to separate, if he realized that he's straight, he can tell me, and I'd willingly let go of him. 

Swallowing back my tears of anger, I look up and see that he has stopped kissing her and is gazing at me. I smile awkwardly and walk to the coat hanger behind him and take my jacket, not caring about the fact that I was still wearing my pajamas. 

"I guess... I'll just leave for now then," I say quietly, voice cracking slightly, but before they say anything or before I can see the look on his face, I turn and open the door, walking out and closing it behind me. 

The moment I hear the door click, my tears release and I take my phone out of my jacket pocket to call my bestfriend and spill everything to him. 

"Young Saeng, you should really divorce..." he sighs, swirling in his spoon around in his homemade cappuccino. He had passed me one, but I'm not feeling up to it. My heart aches at the idea of separating with him, but I know Kyu Jong is right. 

"I know... but I can't bring myself to," I murmur, learning on the table with my elbows, hands clenched together tightly. "I really didn't know. That was the first time he actually brought someone else home."

"And you didn't get angry at him, did you?" 

"I was frustrated... and honestly, still am a little bit," I slowly confess. "But I can't get angry at him, no matter what he does. And even when I do, it's never for a long time."

"You don't deserve this," says Kyu Jong sternly. "You're only hurting yourself while he doesn't even care. Tell you what, go home and pack a few of your belongings and come here for a while."

"But--"

"But what? Young Saeng, don't you understand? Because you're not getting upset with him, because you're not scolding him, he's going to keep doing it. That's when happened the first time he went home early in the morning. You didn't say anything and you didn't even question him. You need to set yourself straight and this is the perfect opportunity to do so. Stay at my place for a little while, just until your mind clears up, before you go back."

"I can't go back right now though," I say nervously. "What if that woman's still there? I won't be able to handle it. I don't want him to see me breaking down."

Kyu Jong looked up at the clock. "Look, it's noon and that thing happened two days ago. Hyun Joong should be already at work now and the woman should've gone home by now. There'll be no one at home."

My friend is right. He really would be at work right now, but I should have nothing to be afraid of. Sighing, I get up from my seat. "Fine... I'll go."

"You can stay in my guest room for the time being. Jung Min's on a business trip right now and will be back in a few days. But he usually sleeps with me, but you staying here for a week or so shouldn't be a problem."

I nod. "Okay, I'll go then."

When I arrive back at the house, I cautiously open the front gate and take quiet steps towards the door, my ears perked up to see if I can hear anything from inside. There's nothing, everything's quiet and all the lights are out. Well, it's daytime and there's plenty of sunlight. Of course no lights would be on. 

Silently, I turn my key in the keyhole and hear a quick click, startling me for a second, before I regain my thoughts and slowly turn the knob and pull the door open. I breathe a sigh of relief when I poke my head inside and see that the corridors are empty. Good. Seems like there's no one here. 

My heart slows down from its sprinting pace and I step in and close the door behind me. I slip off my shoes and hang up my coat before starting towards the stairs up to mine and his shared room. When I enter, I am somewhat relieved what I see that no one is there, yet, kind of disappointed. I shake the feelings away before I start to pack of my things in a suitcase. Maybe I should just move for a good. While I'm staying at Kyu Jong's place, I can look for a new apartment. 

I take away nearly all of my clothes and I make sure to also bring a few keepsakes and souvenirs with me. From the corner of my eye, I see a faint glint and I look down at my left hand to see that golden ring he and I gave each other on our wedding day. Sighing, I gently remove it and plop onto the ground, twirling it around and looking at it.

"This is stupid," I mutter before I get up and place it safely on the desk, and zip up my suitcase and my bag. Without further ado, I get up and begin dragging the suitcase to the door on its wheels. 

Turning around, I look at the room we share, or we once shared and I nearly cry, but I swallow the urge down as I turn and proceed down the stairs without turning back. Once I slip on my shoes and wear my jacket, my hand reach for the knob, but the door swings open before I can touch it. 

My eyes widen and I'm face to face with my husband, staring at me with hard eyes. He looks tired, as if he hadn't slept in days and his skin is paler than usual. Dark bags has formed underneath his eyes and his shoulders are sagging. 

We simply stand there, not saying anything, as I look away. I can feel his gaze on me, but I don't say a word. Before long, the grip on my suitcase handle tightens and I take a step towards the outside, but am suddenly pulled into a warm embrace, causing tears to overwhelm me. 

"I'm so sorry," I hear an choking apology in my ear. "When I woke up, you weren't here. I was so scared something happened to you..."

My tiny heart feels like it was being squeezed and I bite my lip to stop myself from crying. The sight of my handsome husband is almost too overwhelming. How can he even say that he's worried about me after making out with another person right in front of me, when I'm watching? 

Suddenly feeling a fire in the pit of my stomach, I grit my teeth and push him away. What am I to him? That's what I've been asking myself for that past two weeks. For two weeks, he was probably out drinking with his friends and having with people who were not me. To him, I'm probably just a toy he can squeeze when he's feeling sad and then when he's content again, he goes out, looking for someone else to play with. 

"Young Saeng? What are you doing?" he asks, lowering his voice when he sees that I'm rejecting his touch. He takes a step towards me, I take a step back. 

"Too long..." I unconsciously whisper.

He narrows his eyes. "What?"

I tear up and before I can stop it, a tear drips down my cheek. I see his orbs rounden in surprise and I bite my bottom lip and realize that he's not wearing it. He's not wearing the ring I had given him on our wedding day, a symbol, proof that we vowed to love each other until death did us apart. 

"Kim Hyun Joong," I say and I notice him immediately stiffen at the sound of his full name. I never call him by his full name, not even when I'm irritated. 

Wiping the stray tears off my face, I smile sorrowfully as I lift my left hand and show him that my fourth finger is clean, my heart dying in the process. His eyes seem like they can't grow any wider as his jaw falls.

"Let's divorce."

I see his eyes watering as I say it and I bite the inside of my lip until it bleeds in order to hold back my tears. He shakes his head. "No... why...? Saengie, don't, please... What did I do? Please, forgive me. I didn't mean it. I was stressed so I drank more than usual. Please... Can we talk about this?"

He manages to grab my hands right before he pulls me into a tight embrace, one that I stop myself from returning. 

"Please give me another chance," he begs and I feel my shoulder beginning to soak. Was this really what he wanted? Was this what I wanted? 

I look down, suddenly feeling guilty for making this strong man cry. He never cries, even when with me. He's the type to hide his tears and sadness away from the world. But I shake my head and slowly pull away. 

"I... need some time off," I say gently, gazing softly into his blood-shot orbs. 

But the latter shakes his head and grabs me again, pulling me up and smashing his lips against mine. My eyes widen and I struggle, tasting whoever's blood. I try to pull away, not wanting it to waver my resolve, but he continues to hug me, tightening his hold. 

I don't want this. I can't take it anymore. It's so hard to accept. I don't want to leave him either, but I feel the need to. I feel like I'm weighing him down, preventing him from becoming free. He doesn't need a ring to tie him down, to tie him to one person. Does he even love me? If he loved me, would he carelessly have with another woman? I don't get why he's doing this. 

"H-Hyun Joong," I try to grunt through the kiss, turning my head to avoid his lips, but he turns my head around again, not letting me speak. 

It isn't long before I give in and melt into it, my arms falling limply to my side as I close my eyes and simply let him do what he wants. I feel his tongue over my lip, asking for entrance, but I keep my mouth shut tight. I hear a growl of disapproval from him before I gasp at a sudden squeeze at my crotch. He takes this opportunity to stick his tongue in my mouth and I unconsciously moan quietly in the kiss, my knees turning into jelly. Luckily, he's there to support my weight. 

Finally, we break apart when our lungs need air. Our eyes meet and we stare at each other, for what feels like eternity, our faces flushed red and our mouths open, still gasping for air. 

"Please..." he pleads again. He seems desperate. "Don't leave me. Saeng, I love you so much. I don't want to separate, I don't want--"

"You don't want this, you don't want that!" I suddenly explode, unable to control that boiled up temper in me anymore. I see his eyes widen in startlement. I have never gotten angry and I rarely ever scolded him. This has been the first time ever since marriage, ever since that day we began seeing each other. But I don't care. All I care about right now is letting him know that I don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want to say 'I'm okay' when I'm clearly not. I don't want to say 'I love you' to someone who doesn't love me. Anymore.

Tears boil in my eyes as I glare at him, ripping my body from his arms as strength comes back to me. We completely forget that we're still at the door and I begin shouting at him.

"How can you still say you love me after what happened two nights ago? You bring home a stranger, someone I don't even know, and begin making out when you clearly noticed me!" I scream, my face flushed with rage. "And what's more? She even pushed you away when she saw you, but no, you continue! You kiss her! I can't even look at it as an accident because you were completely in control! And for the past two weeks? Where in the world have you been? Every single night, you're not home anymore and you don't warn me. Do you know how many times I have sat on the couch, waiting for you to come home until two o'clock in the morning? Do you know? Do you know how much pain I had to endure? I continuously told myself that I trusted you, that I believed in you, but no, all my, no, all of me, shattered that day when you brought that woman home! And where was I? I was Kyu Jong's, okay? Is there something so wrong about going to a bestfriend's place when my husband is busy ing another person in my house?"

I cut myself off from saying more, feeling as if I was wasting my breath as he hung his head. This was also the first time I had cussed at him, cussed at anybody. Gritting my teeth, I pushed him out of the way and dragged my luggage with me out the door. 

"I'm going to file divorce papers tomorrow," I seeth through gritted teeth and wipe away my tears before I make my way to the front gate, not looking back. 

It's been nearly half a year since I broke it off with him and it's been half a year since I've been continuously telling myself, begging myself to move on. I think I'm doing pretty well though, coping with my single life and handling my job as a composer and a lyricist. 

During this time, with Kyu Jong's advice, I even wrote a new song called Breath and managed to sell it to one of the largest entertainment companies. It has yet to be published, but, I can deal with waiting while I create new melodies. I'm already in the middle of a new song called Sand. 

I also bought myself a new apartment. It's small, but warm and homey. It has everything I need and nothing more. There are two bedrooms though, so for the other one, I simply put my books there. 

Today, I'm working on a keyboard since I was too lazy to buy a new piano. I gently tap out random notes, creating a strange, but harmonious tune. My phone rings and when I pick up, I immediately recognize Kyu Jong's voice. 

"Young Saeng-ah," my bestfriend says into the phone with a whisper, as if he's hiding from something. 

I furrow my eyebrows. "Something wrong?"

"It's just that... Hyun Joong... he came and is asking for you," Kyu Jong said quietly and quickly into the phone. "Do you want me to tell him? If you don't want to, I won't-- Ya!"

I jumped when Kyu Jong suddenly screamed and my eyes widened. "Kyu Jong-ah? What's wrong? Where--"

"Young Saeng."

I freeze and my heart skips a beat at the familiar, deep voice. 

"Ya! Give that back!" I hear Kyu Jong's voice in the background. "He might not even want to talk to you!"

"Young Saeng, where are you?" I can tell Hyun Joong is ignoring Kyu Jong and speaking into the phone as if nothing is happening. 

I blink. "A-at home..."

"Okay."

With that, the line clicks and there are beeps, indicating that the call has ended. I bring my phone away from my ears, blinking strangely at it as I furrow my eyebrows. He doesn't even know where I live. 

However, I'm wrong. He does know, and I'm sure of that now because I hear a knock on my door and when I open it, he towers over me. I hurriedly try to close the door, but he's faster and sticks his foot in between to keep the door open, before storming in and grabbing my arm and bringing me into his embrace, burying his nose into my caramel-highlighted hair. 

"What... are you doing here?" I manage with a soft, cracking voice as I feel tears welling up at this familiar musky scent, pushing him away, but he keeps a tight grip on me. 

"I came to find you," he responds quietly. "Please come home..."

"This is home, Hyun Joong."

He shakes his head. "It's so lonely. I know how you felt now. I've fixed myself. For the past six months since you left, I've been improving myself to become a person worthy to be with you again. Please give me one more chance. I'll prove myself to you. I'll show you that I'm better than before. I was so stupid. And I was stressed. I made messed-up decisions. Once more chance. Just one. I won't mess up with time."

Before I can stop myself, I nod and he immediately tightens his squeeze before he pulls away, tilts my chin up, and pulls me into a gentle, slow kiss. He closes the door and I hear a click, meaning he has locked it, before he pushes me against the wall and s his tongue into my cavern. My eyes are squeezed shut and I let out a small moan when his tongue meets with mine. The contact makes me dizzy and my knees aren't strong enough to support me. 

"Move back with me," he requests when he pulls away and breathes heavily. "Let's live together again."

I bite my lip and am about to shake my head when I see him fumble with his pocket before his hands pops out and he takes my left hand and slides a golden ring on my marriage finger. My voice gets caught in my throat and I look up at him, eyes wide. 

"Please, come back to me," he pleads with watery puppy eyes, the ones I can never resist. 

I look at his hand. He's still not wearing it. He said he's changed, but he's not even wearing the band of love and loyalty. I shake my head as I begin taking off the ring. "No... I can't, I'm sorry."

"But why? Young Saeng, I've changed. I promise I'm going to prove it to you."

And before I know it, I'm against the wall again, his knees between my legs as he traps me there, claiming my mouth as his. My weak hands try to push him away, but I have no strength left against him. Be it melt with pleasure, or melt with despair, he always makes me melt, no matter what he does. 

It's not long before he and I stumble into my bedroom, clawing at each other clothes, desperately trying to get more direct contact, our tongues ing deeper into each other. When Hyun Joong's white collar shirt comes off, that's when I see a necklace hanging around his neck. The silver chain area has lost its shine, indicating that it had been in contact with something warm, most likely the man's skin, for a very long time. 

My eyes travel to the end of it where it hangs and tears spring out of my eyes. There it is. The golden ring, which connects the two of us. 

"Did you really think I wouldn't wear it?" Hyun Joong asks quietly when he notices my reaction and gently cups my round cheeks, making me look up at him as he brushes away the tears with his thumbs. "I always wore it, I always had it on me. I was so afraid to lose it, so I made it into a necklace instead. I know, I should've worn it on my marriage finger... I should've told you about it."

"It's okay," I cut in, feeling more than just guilty. I wrap my arms around his torso and press my face against his broad chest. "I'll move back with you."

"Really?" he gasps, half in disbelief, half in relief. "Saengie, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you."

My heart warms at this and I smile softly up at him. He returns it and my heart skips a beat. It's been such a long time since I've last seen him smile so sincerely and genuinely. I guess he really has changed. 

"Saengie, I'm home!" his voice calls from the door and from the kitchen and still in my flimsy apron, I rush to the door with a wide, dimpled smile. Hyun Joong envelops me with a hug and nuzzled his nose into the crook of my neck. "I missed you."

Chuckling, I push him away and peck him on the lips before taking his arm and leading him to the dinner table. "Come on, sit down. Dinner's almost ready."

After I moved back in with Hyun Joong, Kyu Jong complained a little bit and protested, but managed to accept the fact that we re-married. When he came over to our house last time, the first thing he did was walk up to Hyun Joong and punch him, before threatening that if he ever cheated on me again, he wouldn't live to see the next day. 

I still constantly laugh at that memory because I can still imagine my husband's expression. 

"What are you giggling so happily about?" I feel long arms snake around my waist and I smile cheerfully. 

"Nothing," I sing. "Just... reminiscing."

"About..." he continues with a cute pout. "Come on, tell me. It's not about another guy, right? Is it about Kyu Jong? Is it about me? Me, right?"

"Yeah, about when Kyu Jong came over to our house."

He groans, as he always does when I bring up that topic. "Don't remind me. That was so embarrassing."

I chuckle. "You deserved it. I'm just glad Kyu Jong did it for me, so that I wouldn't have to. At least it knocked some sense into you."

"I've always been sensible," Hyun Joong protests, squeezing my waist and waits patiently for his dinner. "There's no way I'm never letting go of you again. No way."

"Just so long as you don't do what you--"

"No! Don't remind me of that time!" exclaims the older, his eyes widening as he covers his ears with his hands. "No! No, I'm not listening! I'm not listening!" He begins to make a bunch of alien sounds, in which I laugh at. 

Once I bring everything to the table, we sit down as we always do, facing each other and eat quietly. After all, it's rude to talk with your mouth full. Now, the silence has become comfortable and warm, and I'm eating with a smile on my face. I look up at him and so is he. After dinner, I show him a new song I'm working on and play it for him.

Hiding away my fears. 
Hiding away my feelings. 
I've always said that I was okay,
And told you that I loved you. 

You took it, but didn't give it back. 
And I knew that there would be one day,
When my heart would break,
And my soul would shatter. 

Holding onto you is like holding sand.
You slip through my fingers when you're dry.
You cling to me when you're wet,
And even if I brush you off, there's an unmistakable wave of guilt.

Ignoring the pain in my heart.
Ignoring the fact that I wasn't okay.
I don't want to say I love you,
To someone who doesn't love me anymore.

When the flame inside flickers,
It's time to leave.
I don't want to tie you down,
I don't want to trap your freedom so I'll set you free.

Holding onto you is like holding sand.
You slip through my fingers when you're dry.
You cling to me when you're wet,
And even if I brush you off, there's an unmistakable wave of guilt.

It's not finished yet. I still need the last verse, and I think I already know what it is. As I sit there, I begin improvising, slowing down the song and closing my eyes as I rapidly think of words in my head. 

When I believed time would solve everything,
I was wrong.
It was you who came back,
You who healed a broken heart.

You promised and I believed
That we would happy together again.
From sand, you were turned into a pearl,
Forever to be my treasure.

Holding onto you is like holding sand. 
You slip through my fingers when your'e dry.
You cling to me when you're wet.
But just with a little effort, you become a shining jewel.

(I kinda made up the lyrics up on the spot
So forgive me if they're really cheesy...)

I lift my hand from the piano keyboard and turn to him to see him with watering eyes, his lips trembling. 

"Saengie-ah... That song was about us, wasn't it?" Hyun Joong sniffles as I get up and plop down beside him with a gentle smile. 

"Yeah, I had to let it out somehow," I say calmly and lean my head onto his shoulder and close my eyes. "Hyun Joongie..."

"Hm?"

"I love you."

I can tell he's smiling when he says, "I love you, too."

When you're happy, you're like dry sand. Always slipping through my fingers, always escaping, always running away from me. And that dry afterfeeling on my hands is like the fake smile I put on everytime I say that "I'm okay."

When you're down, you're like wet sand. Always clinging to me, sticking to me, washing me with waves of sadness. Even if I brush you off, the strange leftover sticky feeling is like a blanket of guilt that clings to me until you dry.

But once you are carefully wrapped up by a pearl oyster and taken care of, you become a perfect, shining pearl for me to treasure and love for all my life.

Sorry for the incredible wait. I finally got an idea and finished it! Hahaha! Done! Finally!