Here without you- 3 doors down

  ªSeung Hoª

I will never forget that moment… the moment I will always regret… It was the moment I dumbly raised a knife against my best friend in a fight, closing my eye. I swung and a warm body hit me, with a squishy wet sound… almost like meat being dismembered by a butcher.

Sticky liquid soaked through my clothes. I opened my eyes to the sound of a boy gasping in pain in my ear. My mouth opened in shock as I glanced down. Joong Hui was all bloody in my arms. With blood oozing from an opened wound, above his naval. The knife amid straight through his body.

"Joong Hui…No…” I began to ramble, astonished and stunned.

His body trembled as he struggled to breath in my embrace. He choked and blood spilled from his mouth, wetting my shoulder. Tears gushed from my eyes, watching him struggle. His raspy voice cut into my thoughts.

“From the moment I met you, I knew that you were the one who was meant to live. I always wished it to be yo”

I swallowed hard, fighting away the tears. “Joong Hui… don't say that!” I managed to say.

Instead, he shifted his body with his head on my shoulder and gripped his arm tightly around me, burying the knife deeper and deeper. Another shudder rocked his body as he let out a low groan. He was in a heart-wrenching agony. It felt like my soul was being melted away, every nerve in my body cried in torment, leaving a heaving tortured piece of flesh. As he loosened his grip and began to lose consciousness. With the world fading away, with only darkness for comfort. The desperation in my own voice grew as his hand slid off my shoulder…

“You better bounce!” a voice called out.

I bolted awake, my limbs tangled in my blanket. My heart was pumping erratically inside my chest, with my heartbeat clapping like thunder in my ears against the serene calmness of the early morning. Orange and red streamed in through an opened window into the simple but furnished room. 

The number of times I have had this nightmare was too much to even count on my fingers. I already lost count.
Sighing, I rubbed my eyes and threw back the blanket.

I stood under the shower head,  trying to clear my head. Suddenly, a rush of emotions overwhelmed me and vivid images flashed in my head.

Joong Hui pounding the living day lights out of a guy who tried to pick on me. Joong Hui treating my opened wound. Lying down under the silver moon with Joong Hui. Me punching Joong Hui in the face.  Joong Hui fighting with me. Him plunging himself further on the knife. Joong Hui taking his last breath, blood everywhere…

I leaned against the wall for support as I began to tremble in fear and pain. 

I quickly turned off the water and got out of the shower, with a towel wrapped around my waist. I got myself ready and went to say good morning to Joong Hui. I bowed twice and lit a candle for him. I took his picture and stared down at it. The face forever frozen in time as a 15 year old.

My eyes glistened with unshed tears and I bit my lip to keep them in. Silence hung thick in the air as I stared down at the picture.

My voice wavered when I eventually spoke. “I don’t understand… why I'm always the one either inflicting the pain or the source of it.”

A stubborn tear fell from my eye, a  wet trail running down my face. I quickly wiped away the stray tear and placed the picture back on the stand. I brought up my hand to my neck and trailed over to the scar on my neck, a permanent reminder of my dark past. 

I dropped down my hand and left the house, with my car key and wallet in hand. I once again placed on the cold façade as I drove down the gravel driveway, heading to Seoul city.