c h a p t e r || t e n

{ 09182013: Kwon Jiyong's apartment unit, nine thirty in the evening }

"Dara..." he sighed, whined, called and he was close to shouting only instead of giving him what he wanted, the lady snuggled to him more, embraced him more without knowing that he was about to go crazy. Dara grunted like a little kid while pressing her face more on the crook of his neck, on arm over his chest, hugging him, one leg wrapped on him. "Seriously..." she groggily said. "Why are you so grumpy?" Jiyong rolled his eyes. Clearly. Clearly, she doesn't understand his delicate situation to put it lightly. She doesn't have a single idea on how he was barely hanging on the edge of his crumbling sanity. Seriously, can't see feel how hot his body already was? Doesn't she know how aroused he was? And doesn't she know that he's suffering?

Oh yes. Yes, he's suffering! And let me tell you on why he's suffering. One, he's with her. Her whom has been the subject of his nasty thoughts thanks to all the dirty fanfictions he read. And why did he read those fanfictions again. One word: inspiration. We all know that he's making an excuse but let's pretend that we don't know. Two, they were thinly clothed. Imagine her wearing thin white cotton shirt paired with a black cycling while he was wearing thin cotton shirt and thin pajamas. He can easily take her clothes off in five seconds. And yes, folks, he's thinking dirty. Three and the very reason, he's just . That's it. End of story.

He felt goosebumps covered his body feeling her breath fanning against his skin and he prayed so hard because he seriously wanted to bang her--- what I mean was, he's near to banging his head to the wall and the solid wood headboard of his bed. "I'm..." he frowned thinking that telling him that he's  right now was not a good idea because one, he's supposed to be gay. He's supposed to be a woman as well, a lady. Two, he's in love with Choi Seunghyun. And he'll be forever in love with him. He's that loyal, according to how he visualize his self. He tried to say something again only he stopped noticing the way how he breathed. Okay, there was something wrong on the why he was breathing. Swallowing the lump on his throat, he realized how much danger his womanhood was in danger. Great danger.

"Dara, babe, I'm not being grumpy believe me but for tonight, please, just please, let's sleep away from each other. I'll take the coach and you can have my glorious California king bed." And he said that in five seconds. Dara lifted her head as Jiyong turned to look at her as well. Their eyes met and both fell silent. Dara smiled, a huge yet beautiful smile before breaking into her melodious chuckles as she gently pressed her forehead against his.

Beautiful, that word played in his head over and over again. She's so beautiful. Everyone knew, everyone can see and he, himself knew it from the first time he saw her only it's still surprise him every time. Every time.

"Oh my God, Ji! You just rapped! I can't understand a thing!" She laughed, burying her face once more on the junction of his neck and shoulder. A smile kissed his lips, soon, he joined her laughing. And just like that, they broke into a laughing spree, laughing like children without knowing the reason, without thinking of the reason. They just laughed and laughed like the world was their, like they owned the night. As their laughters echoed all over his room, he drowned in the realization that he can just stay like that with her forever. He doesn't need anything else, he doesn't need the fame, the money, every little thing. Just her. What he needed was her next to him. Her happy with her.

Dara lifted her head, looking at him with a wide smile which he mirrored. "I like it when you're that happy." The words came out of their own, it was his hear talking. Dara pressed her head against his. "Yeah," she whispered with a smile. "Me too. I like it when you're happy." Jiyong grinned at her making them broke into another chuckle.

"And I'll do anything for you to be happy." The smile on his lips died. It was supposed to sound sweet only, it sounded like a threat to him. She said it with a smile, with a soft voice and yet it bear the poison of what seemed like curse. He smiled, waving his thoughts away. He's thinking too much, he told himself.

Jiyong gently lifted her head, pillowing his elbow for it. He hugged her closer to him as Dara smiled, snuggling to him. "I actually don't want to live forever." Their eyes met. Dara gave him a questioning look. "It's an awfully long time. It will be tiring, it will be painful in the  at some point that's why I don't understand why everyone's crazy to find a way to live forever." Dara smiled, she doesn't admit it to anyone even to him but she loved it when he was telling her all his musing no matter how simple they were and how crazy they were. She'll always take any piece of his thought for their beautiful. They're always beautiful.

"But if it will be like this..." he smiled to her. "I'm willing to try." Sometimes, she wondered if Jiyong knew how much his effect was to her, how she had been clinging so dearly to all his words, to all his promises and how she was trying to stop herself from falling further yet every time she does, he will be pushing her more. He will be pushing her and he doesn't even know it himself.

"I like how that sounded." She smiled sadly. "You and me, forever." She snuggled to him before he will see the sadness in her, before he realized that he was unknowingly hurting her. Jiyong felt something wrong, he gently pushed her away to look at her yet Dara refused to let him go. She hugged him more. "Dara..." Jiyong worriedly called her.

"Sing me a song." Dara tried to prevent her voice from shaking. Jiyong battled between forcing her to tell him what's wrong only to decide to let it go, decided to wait until she, herself, tell him what's wrong.

"What song?" He asked, pulling her close, running his palm on her back. Comforting her to whatever suddenly made her sad.

"I don't know. Just any song." She closed her eyes praying for her tears to stay at bay only to fail as she soon broke into silent sobs. It hurts. It hurts that she was so in love with him and she can't. She shouldn't. It was the kind of love that doesn't lead to anywhere, that doesn't bear anything. A kind of love that she shouldn't bear for him. It's sad that the near he gets the farther they become from each other. Now, he felt so far almost not within her reach. It doesn't matter how fast she ran after him, she'll never reach him.

He'll never love her the way she wanted. He'll never see her the same way she sees him.

Jiyong hugged her tight, tempted to ask her why but bit himself to it like there was something in him that stopped him from asking. "Okay, I'll sing you anything right? Any song right?" Dara nodded.

My reflection in the mirror

Is so empty, as if there’s nothing there

I walk alone on the street

But this empty street feels so empty

Da ra dat dat dat dat dat dat

Baby don’t worry

After waking up from the dream that was you

This morning of reality feels so empty

Dara looked at him, laughing a little. Jiyong automatically lifted his hand and wiped her tears away. "What are you singing?" She asked, she never heard of it before. Jiyong shrugged. "A little song I wrote when we fought." He smiled as the lady shook her head. "Amazing. You're really amazing." She hugged him, closed her eyes. It's okay. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter even if he will not return her love for him. She's okay with this. She's okay with what they have. It was more than what she can ask for.

"Oh shut up and let me continue singing." She laughed at him before nodding. "Arasso, arasso. Please continue." That's right. It's okay. Everything's okay.

As I face the morning, I realize once again

What wakes me up is not you but an alarm bell

Why is this damn bed so big?

In my vast desert of a heart, only a cold wind blows

I’m an empty shell, a coward without you

People around me look at me with pity

It kills me, no what a day

Before starting my day, without thinking I saw…

Someone needs to tell her on how to stop falling, falling for him more. As his voice sang her the song he created for her, she slowly drifted to sleep dreaming of the day that he will soon love her just like how she had always wanted and prayed for, failing to hear the rest of his song.

It’s over, my love

Where are you?

Now we are just a memory

I was happy, don’t forget me, let’s meet again

Good days and sad days

Hard days and happy days

Now it becomes memories of the past

The me and you of the past are now over

It’s like I came back to reality

My reason to live is gone, my head is complicated

When I open my eyes in the morning, my heart feels empty

I feel the emptiness, just like I did before I met you

Feeling that she already fell asleep, Jiyong gently pushed her, wiping the trails of tears on her face. "Dara..." he sighed before landing a long kiss on top of her head. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep only to fail miserably.

He thought after all the drama, his hormones forgot its  but they all were running amuck in his system. Curse all those fanfictions!

{ 09182013: Kwon Jiyong's apartment unit, ten thirty in the evening }

After having a long battle with his brains, with his hormones, he finally lifted his hands up and decided to end his sufferings. With a stealthiness of a thief, he got off the bed after securing that Dara was sleeping soundly. To be honest, even him was never use to sleeping away from her from the day they started sleeping together ← sounded wrong. Shaking his head, hoping his dirty thoughts will be shaken away as well, he headed to the living room bring him his favorite pillow. Tonight, he's the couch guy. A defeated sigh escaped his lips.

Slumping himself on his big sofa, that can already pass as a single bed, he looked at the ceiling waiting for dear sleep to arrive and put him on rest. Sadly, his body and his brain was not making it any easy for him. He grunted, rolling over, lying on his stomach. He buried his face on his pillow and began shouting profanities and nonsense to relieve frustrations which didn't work. Sitting, messing his head, he buried his face on his palms before standing up and grabbing his Mac. "Okay, might as well make myself useful." He told himself, firing up his Mac, pulling up all he needed to get the CF song done.

He grabbed a paper and started scribbling for lyrics.

After a minute.

He looked at the paper before crumpling it to a ball and throwing it away.

After another minute.

He threw his seventy fourth paper on the floor.

After another minute.

Deciding to begin with the beat first he turned to his laptop and began playing with the beats.

After another minute.

Her breathing became ragged, pulling him, they engaged to another heated kiss. His lips against hers, her tongue inside his mouth, battling with his. Jiyong lifted her as the lady automatically wrapped his legs around his waist, their kiss deepening. Their bodies hot against one another. He grunted before throwing her against the bed. Dara smirked at him, pushing herself to the middle of the bed. Jiyong removed his shirt, climbing to the bed, crawling his way to her. Trapping her beneath him, he harshly tugged her white button down, ripping it off her.

"Damn, that's the tenth this week!" Jiyong took  on his, cutting her off as the lady moaned her next words in his mouth. Jiyong tugged her head down, pulling her hair. His tongue slid from  to her cleavage. Dara bit her lips, eyes closed, she drowned at the carnal ecstasy.

 Jiyong swallowed the lump on his throat, pulling the collar of his shirt, he fanned himself. Why was he back to reading this? Oh yeah because there were fifty five chapters already and he's still at the twentieth. The story was good, he wasn't really back for the rated scenes. It just so happened that it was there embedded on the stories and he doesn't want to miss anything so he's reading it. Alright, folks, let's pretend that we don't know that he was making an excuse, okay?

Closing his eyes, he realized he needed a shower and a quick relief. With a frustrated grunt, he tried to think of rainbows, unicorns and all things sweet and nice until Dara's  body will rip through his wonderland. Clutching his hair with both hands, he screamed voiceless. This is so not happening to him. He's a girl in a wrong body. He's a woman. He's a lady, the one meant to be with Choi Seunghyun at the end of this story and look at where he was. Sitting on a dimly lit room with a raging hormones, a laptop showing his sin.

"Dara's your best friend, she's your sister." He chanted over again like a prayer that will ensure his salvation. A grunt came out of his lips before tapping the heel of his palm on his forehead. His eyes soon landed on his palm. A thought crossed his mind. "Geez," he almost cried out of great pity for himself. This is so not happening, he cried in his mind. His eyes went back to the screen of his laptop showing him the fanfiction he was reading then it went back to his hand, then back to the laptop, then to his hand. He cried in defeat. When was the last time that he did it? When was the last time that he pleased himself? He can't remember. Well, technically, he was not to please himself, he was about to relieve himself of pain.

It's official, he's going crazy.

Closing his eyes, he freed himself of his pajama. A groaned came out of his mouth the moment his finger wrapped on himself. He was tempted to cry because he pitied himself too much, only soon as his hands moved, his imaginations kicked in, he was drowned on his own world. "Dara..." he moaned, his hand moving up and down. "Dara," his breathing became ragged, his hand moved faster, his moaned got louder. He's there, almost there. "Dara..."

"Babe." Jiyong snapped his eyes opened and saw Dara standing by the door, eyes closed, hair messy, she was rubbing her eyes. Jiyong froze on his place. Epic, he wanted to tell himself, just when he was getting there. Dara opened her eyes but he was too stun to tell her anything or to move or hide himself.

Dara looked at him with a surprised expression as soon as she realized what he was doing. They remained silent and looked at each other for solid one minute. Soon, the lady turned her back from him. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" She shouted running back to the room before burying her face on the bed as Jiyong buried his face on his palm.

Great, he wasn't able to get his relief and Dara just saw him jerking off.

short update hghahahha