Every day after school, Sungjong would inspect his body, picking out endless faults. He would scratch at the parts he hated, until they were red and raw, wishing they would just disappear. Then he would grab a hold of the sore flesh, and bite his lip as he thought back to what he had eaten that day, instantly regretting every bite, the amount of fat he could pick at off his body was disgusting, he thought.

The only way he was going to tone his body up was to exercise, and to eat less, he knew that, but he worried that people would start to notice, and pester him. He didn’t want to have to explain himself.

He let out a deep sigh before grabbing his pyjamas which were crumpled up on the floor near his feet. He slipped into them, before heading to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

He trudged his way to the sink, and turned the faucet on, then cupped his hands under the running stream until it pooled over the sides of his palms, he splashed his face, making sure to rub off any dirt. He did it once more before he raised his head and caught sight of his reflection staring back at him in the hanging mirror.

It was as though his image haunted him everywhere.

Afterwards, he rushed to finish up, and quickly made his way back into his bedroom, slumping into the neatly made bed and wrapping the sheets tightly around his body. Willing himself to go to sleep.

It was Friday tomorrow, soon enough it would be the weekend and he could be alone for a while, he thought before drifting off. 

School the next day was the usual, Sunjong would sit with his friends at break and lunch as they joked and laughed while he’d stay abnormally quiet, only throwing odd remarks in sometimes. Lessons were boring, and he tried to listen but would switch off eventually, and then end up getting snapped at by the teacher when she picked on him to answer a question that he had no idea what she was talking about, unless Dongwoo ended up whispering it to him probably a little bit too loudly. The teacher would always give them both a suspicious look but continue on with the lesson. It was what he had become accustomed to now. Currently he was making his way to his last class, health class.

Plunking his work books down on his worn out desk, he took his seat, and rested his chin on his hands, as the teacher tapped her pen against the white board to gain the classes attention.

“Okay class, we’re going to start a new topic today,” the class groaned when this was announced. “No, I’m sure you’ll all find it very interesting! Let’s hear a cheer!” the teacher tried to interest her class, but they still didn’t sound at all enthusiastic.

“We’re going to start learning about Body Mass Index, and understanding fat and how it can affect the body.”

Sungjong swallowed a lump that rose in his throat at the words, he really couldn’t be dealing with this right now, and he begged he could just get through this class without feeling nauseous.

“Now, we all know that fat is made up of lots and lots of cells, and each fat cell can expand up to 12 times its original size.” She explained pointing to pictures on the powerpoint which was playing. “That’s how people become obese, because they eat too much and don’t burn it off causing the cells to just keep expanding. And that’s why fat is bad, bad, bad!”

Each time the teacher would repeat the words fat, Sungjong would inwardly cringe, holding his stomach and trying to push it in, or to make it disappear.

“And Body Mass Index is a calculator which informs you if you’re overweight, just right or underweight, using your height and weight.” She continued, making her way over to the computer. “I’ve actually found one we could test out, would anyone like to volunteer.”

No one put their hands up and the teacher pouted. “Oh come on! It’ll be fun they’re not that accurate anyway.” Sungjong was sweating nervously as the teacher gave a knowing smirk to him.

“Sungjong, you’ll be our volunteer right?” She pleaded and Sungjong tried to speak up but his voice only came out as a cracked whisper.

He didn’t want this, he already knew that it was going to confirm something he already believed, he curled into himself and tried to fight back tears that started to well in his eyes.

The teacher noticed his discomfort and decided not to pry, she gave him an apologetic look, and turned back to face her computer, writing in her own details.

“I guess I’ll do it myself then, you class, are no fun.” She sulked, and some of the students laughed at their childish teacher. The class continued but Sungjong was not paying attention anymore, too distracted by his own self hating thoughts.

As soon as class ended,  Sungjong speed out of the stuffy room, but he just so happened to bump into Sungyeol back, who abruptly turned around, giving Sungjong an accusing stare before his eyes softened when he recognised who it was.

“Oh, Jongie! You should watch it nex- woah, Sungjong are you okay? You look awfully pale...” he instantly asked, voice filled with worry. Sungjong, couldn’t speak, his mouth was dry, he just wanted to get home. He just wanted to get out of here. So he didn’t even look up at him before brushing past him with his head held low.

He heard Sungyeol calling out to him but he didn’t look back, he couldn’t, not with how repulsive he felt at the moment.

As Sungjong wandered home, he couldn’t help but replay in his mind how he had just abruptly walked out on Sungyeol.

Sungyeol had been helping Sungjong out for the past week. Sungjong could see he’d been putting in so much effort to make Sungjong feel happy again. Whether it was by telling extra jokes or pulling silly faces to see if he laughed or just helping him out in class even if he didn’t understand the work that well either, generally just always being there to be Sungjong’s shoulder to lean on. But he was always left with disappointment when Sungjong didn’t seem to be getting any livelier, by the end of the week.

It saddened him that he couldn’t be all Sungyeol wanted, Sungyeol had just wanted to make him happy, trying the best he could, but Sungjong had denied those efforts and left Sungyeol crestfallen. Another reason he was not worth it.

Once he reached his home, he shouted a quick greeting to his mother, before running upstairs straight to his bedroom to tug his burning clothes off. Tears filled his eyes once more as he turned to the familiar tall mirror, glaring at that well-known reflection of his. He started the usual task of examining every part of his body, criticizing it before abusing the flesh with his nails, only this time he was tearing at the skin, blood trickling down his limbs. Tears filled his eyes, he hated it, he hated, hated, this body.

Finally, when most of his body was sore and red, he let out a choked sob, burying his face in palms, and falling deep into his own pit of self hatred.

After Sungjong had finally been able to stop the uncontrollable sobs, he took a long shower, cleansing his sore body.  Then he spent the rest of the evening on the internet, looking up famous models, pretty, skinny models. He envied them. They were perfect, he thought as he ran his finger over the pictures of each of them, following their great outlines.

“Sungjong, come down for dinner.” He heard his mother calling, and he reluctantly got up, shuffling his way downstairs, his hair still dripping wet.

“Oh, you got a shower early.” His mum continued.

“Yeah, it was really hot today.” Sungjong joked sheepishly.

“Sungjong, what the hell? I waited for you after school!” Taemin started yelling, looking accusingly at Sungjong with arms crossed, as Sungjong took a seat next to him.

“Now, now Taemin, I’m sure Sungjong didn’t mean to leave you, let’s just enjoy dinner okay?” Their mother tried to calm the pair, placing a full plate of food in front of each of them.

As the dinner was placed in front of Sungjong, he could feel bile rising in his throat. The group started to enjoy their meals, all but Sungjong, who didn’t take a bite, when his mother noticed she raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“Sungjong darling you haven’t eaten anything,

“Oh no mother, I’m not feeling too good.” He lied.

“Do you want to me save it for later?”

“No, it’s okay.” He was sure he wouldn’t be eating any of it anyway.

He was going to make a change, once and for all. 

A/N: helllo~~ so here's another chapter up ;w; my friend who proof read it said she cried whoops

but I hope you enjoyed this chapter either waaayyy! I wasn't originally going to add self harm into this but then I just got a little carried away (sorry Sungjongie ilu) 

the next chapter will be more from Sungyeol's POV, please look forward to it! 

Thankyou, comments and feedback are very loved c: 

-Sydney