Day 24. 

Why why why why why, is all you can think. You cringe every time you wake up. And throughout the night, you wake up many, many times. But at the crack of dawn, you finally fall into a deep sleep. But your deep sleep is invaded by nightmares.

Running. Running through endless streets, usually busy with life. You're aware of your dream state, which makes it all the more frightening, not being able to wake up. You finally stop running and suddenly the streets dissipate around you, dissolving until everything turns black. Another scene forms, you're standing in an airport. The airport in Beijing. The one you arrived in. You see yourself, walking from the arrival area. You see yourself holding a map. Are you looking back in the past? The other you looks up, as if questioning something, sees a lonely Tao standing nearby -- it's the moment you asked him for directions -- but you just walk by him. "NO!" You want to scream. "TALK TO HIM!" You want to drop to your knees, but dream state you is frozen. 

The airport evaporates to nothing. Then it's back. It's a different area of the airport now, the departure area. You look around you, and see friends and family waving to people who are leaving for planes. Why are you here then? You look in front of you. Who are you waving to?

Tao stands in front of you, walking away, giving you a goodbye smile. He opens his mouth, and mouths "good bye", but you can't hear his voice. But that's all it takes. You drop to your knees and...

You wake up crying. You try to calm yourself down, desperately, by whispering, "It's all just a dream. Just a dream. It's all over." But just that one line, "It's all over", makes you cry harder.

Morning of Day 24: not going so well.

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It's hard to open your eyes after the tears finally stop falling. You rub away the stuff at in the corner of your eyes. You're hesitant to actually get up because you know the first thing you'll do is check your phone.

Please. Please. Just one message.

You pick up your phone. "0 Messages". They're busy today as well. You put down your phone, disappointed. Suddenly, it vibrates, making you jump up and grab the phone again. You're slightly disappointed as you see that the message is from May, but you open it anyway.

"Hey girl, wanna go shopping today?" It's been a while since you've had "girl time", so you respond with a "Yeah sure! Love too!" May has good English; she was born in China, had lived in England for a majority of her life, and moved back to China. She preferred typing in English than in Chinese, so you two text in English.

You get up, wash up, change, and prepare yourself for society. You tell your grandparents that you're going out today and they say goodbye. You head out the door and walk to the cafe where May works to meet with her. Standing in front of the cafe now, you're reminded of the day Tao brought you here. You sigh sadly. 

"What's wrong?" A female voice asks you. You jump in surprise and turn around to find May with a skeptical expression on her face.

"Nothing."

"Look," she begins. "We've been friends for some time now." Actually only a few days, but you let her continue. "And we're pretty good friends now too. Well, at least, in my opinion." You think so too. "So if you have anything you wanna talk about, you can talk to me, 'kay?" She's sassy and outspoken. Truly a worthy friend.

"Thanks. I just kinda..uhh..." How do you tell a friend you have a crush on an idol? Don't all fangirls have crushes on their biases? But your crush isn't just a crush. You really love him.

"Spit it out." She puts her hands on her hips. 

"I, uh. I kinda like.. uh.."

"You like Tao, don't you?"

"What? How did you know?"

"Well I remember that one time you two came into the cafe together. He's my bias too, but I'll let you slide since we're friends." In your head, you say a sarcastic thaaanks.... "But hey, I get it. You miss him, don't you?" She looks at you sympathetically. You nod slowly, feeling a little shy still.

"Don't worry! Your gal friend's here to help! Now let's go shop till we drop!" You laugh at this, knowing that no one really says that anymore.

But May is really nice all throughout the trip. She gives you shopping tips: "This color looks better on you" and "this dress is more your style". She makes you try on different clothes when you're too shy to, at first. Eventually, you get used to it and you're both laughing and smiling and all the stuff you bought.

You two are walking down the street back to the cafe when suddenly you hear a small beep, much like one that would come from a cell phone. May's head turns to her pocket, where she pulls out her cell and types something very quickly. "Sorry gal, gotta run. I need to help at the cafe today." She gives you a hug and a smile. You nod your head, laugh it off, and say "good luck!" and she runs ahead. You head back to the apartment.

When you get back, there's a note on the kitchen table from your grandparents. "Out on a walk--need to buy groceries. If hungry, food in fridge. :)" You smile at the innocent note. Even after so many years of marriage, your grandparents are still madly in love with each other. You are tempted by the thought of food, but you sigh and decide to watch tv instead. Thinking back, you're glad that at least you weren't bored today. And that you have such a trustworthy friend in China. But you also really want to see Tao again. Tell him more stories about your home and hear more about what's going on with him and the other members.

You look up at the drama that's playing on the small television screen. Two lovers fighting over something, maybe a third party? They seem distressed; the woman is on the verge of tears. You turn down the volume so that the TV is simply background noise as you sigh once more and whisper to no one in particular.

"I really miss you."