As always please forgive me for many mistakes, errors of writing and everything ^^ Thank you so much for your support <333 Enjoy ^^

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Before I go home, I stop by at a bar. I thought maybe one or two glasses of scotch could calm my mind. Actually I'm not the typical person who likes to drink, I’m never able to do it, is not like Seunghyun. I'm pretty sure if he knows I drink alone he would be angry.
 

Too many things that I do but he doesn’t like it!
 

Sometimes I think Seunghyun is too limiting my space, even though I know he's not a possessive guy but he’s too worried about me as if I'm so weak. I don’t understand why he's being like that, probably due to the death of nearly approached me before or perhaps because he’s not too comfort with my friends and I do have to admit that I often hang out together and have party with them. But it's not entirely my fault because my job requires me to meet with a lot of famous people such as artists, socialites and dignitaries.
 

Actually I know he was fond of partying and hanging out with his friends before, but since his father died slowly he started to leave things like that. He’s too busy with his work despite occasionally still like to get together with his friends and I know he really loves his job. I know with increasing age his mindset is getting mature, he’s more wisely in thoughts and actions. My parents and Youngbae always said Seunghyun is really different with me who still like to act childish and being spoiled. I know it’s my shortcomings but like people say, one major purpose the marriage is to complete one another isn’t it?
 

But ..., I'm not sure it’s happening in my marriage...
 

I put the empty glass on the table right in front of me. I stared at it and then let out a breath.
"I hope it's your last glass Sir " said the bartender. He smiled, I nodded.
 

" Yeah…, I won’t get in trouble for being drunk" I sighed again. My head started feel very heavy.
 

"You want me to call a cab for you?" He looked at me doubtfully. I shook my head.
 

"Thank you, I think, I still can drive." I glanced at my watch. He nodded. I spend some money to pay for my drink.
 

"Okay, be careful" he smiled again.
 

"Thank you for accompanying me. Bye" I bowed and left him.




 

Although my head feels heavy and my vision is a little blurry but I managed to get home safely. I thought before alcohol would be succeed in making clear my mind but I was wrong, it just makes my head spinning around, it seems like there is a big truck on it. And my feeling is messing up, all of furies come over again when I looked at my door house because I know there are two people inside it who have made my heart hurt.
 

It’s already very late, maybe Seunghyun and Seungri are already falling asleep. Actually Seunghyun repeatedly called and sent texts before asking me to come home soon but I didn’t care about it. And I think he should be aware I’m very angry and don’t want to talk to him, at least not now.
 

I opened the door. I walked over to the stairs. I turned to Seungri’s room, I was thinking maybe Seunghyun will sleep there again. I wiped my face, I thought I shouldn’t care about that.
 

Maybe we shouldn’t talk to each other...
I’m so mad at you...
 

I stepped to my bedroom and opened the door slowly. I the lights and put my bag on the table which is not far from the door.
"Where have you been? I'm worried " Seunghyun’s voice startled me. I was surprised and turned to him. He was lying on our bed, looking at me.
 

What's he doing here?
 

"A lot of things I should take care" I said let go of my coat. I turned my body and sat on the edge of the bed, I massaged my legs. I looked in the mirror seeing the reflection of Seunghyun stood up and approached me.
 

"I can smell alcohol ..., did you drink?" he said sitting behind me. I could see he trying to touch me but I woke up soon avoided him.
 

"I want to take a bath" I snapped and immediately headed to the bathroom. I locked the bathroom door, I don’t want him to go into the bathroom, I feel he would do that. I think he would do anything to seduce me of course, but not this time. I’m so angry at him, still. For some reason this fight is very different from the previous one and I'm sure everything would get worse. I don’t want us to just make it up and forget everything as if it all didn’t happen, I want him to understand my feelings, I want him to know what I want.
 

If you still likes this..., it would be useless...


Not too long I was in the shower, I get out from bathroom and put on my pajama but not in front of him. I glimpsed and Seunghyun still opened his eyes. He rested his back, put on his glasses to read a book. I smoothed my hair for a while and then walked towards the bed. Seunghyun closed the book and put it on table beside the bed. He smiled at me but I didn’t respond. I took one pillow. Seunghyun frowned. I stepped away from the bed but he pulled my left hand away.
"Where are you going?" he said.
 

"Let go of me. I will sleep in the living room, unless you go back to sleep with your son" I looked at him sharply. I tried to pull my hand away but he continued to hold it.
 

"Please ... don’t be like this, can’t we ---" he couldn’t finish his words.
 

"No. That's my answer" I pulled my hand harder and managed to escape from him. He bowed his head, I hugged the pillow and I turned around and walked toward the door. I could hear his breath but I didn’t care about anything that he did. I went out of the room and stepped to the living room to going to sleep.
 

Maybe it’s wrong...
But I can’t ... I can’t Seunghyun...



I think I fell asleep only 5 minutes ago but my eyes have been opened by itself. I rubbed my eyes and sat. I glanced at the clock on the wall and still 5.05 am. Lights are still out and I do not hear any noise except my own breath. I woke up and stretched my back briefly. I know it's still too early for me to get up and I'm also sure Seunghyun and Seungri still falling asleep.
 

I thought for a moment probably I should shower and get ready, even though I know it's still very early but I couldn’t get back to sleep. My sleep last night wasn’t perfect. My brain just kept working and I feel screwed, I sure as hell could I have been experiencing severe stress and is very bad for me.
 

I'm going crazy because of all this...
 

I walked towards the stairs but I stopped my step when my eyes saw lights at library still on. I frowned and walked toward it and door slightly opened. I grasped the door handle and pushed it a little. I see Seunghyun is sitting on the chair, his hands folding on chest. He’s closing his eyes. There is a bottle of wine, a glass, some files piling up on desk in the front of him.
 

He’s sleeping here? Why?
 

I wanted to him ask him to move to bedroom but there was something holding me, I know I can’t do that. I closed the door slowly, I don’t want him to hear me. So I left him alone.



 

After bathing and dressing, I left my room. I could see Seungri’s door room opened widely, he had finished dressing too and looks so handsome. I love it when he's like that, Seungri is always independently, he almost can do anything by himself. A thin smile formed on my lips without me knowing it. Then suddenly our eyes met. Seungri looked at me, his eyes still the same. He looks scared of me, I turned my face and then stepped down the stairs.
 

But something startled me back. I met his father on the stairs. We stopped and we looked at each other simultaneously. My heart is beating very fast and this situation makes me uncomfortable, we look very awkward.
 

What should I do?
 

"Are you going this early?" He opened the conversation. I nodded and started to step again. Seunghyun bit his lip and I guessed he knew I still won’t talk to him. He was only able to seeing me left him going to the kitchen. I had looked at him from behind, I saw his back. He went to our room and I think he'll get ready.
 

I took a frying pan and start making sunny side up and toast. Seungri stood at the door suddenly, he was surprised to see me and we looked at each other again. He turned around.
"Sit down" I said. He stopped and obeyed me. For some reason this time it feels easy, he followed my words just like that. He sat in the chair where he used to sit and Gaho is lying at his feet.
 

After the toast and sunny side that I made were ready, I brought those to the table and I sat on my chair. I put 2 pieces of sunny side and a toast on a plate and I put it in front of him. I poured a glass of milk for him too. He looked at me for a moment. I moved my chin to ask him to start eating. He didn’t say anything just take a fork and began to eat.
 

How was school?
Is Kangin still bothering you?
 

There are many questions that I wanted to ask to him but my mouth was numb. We didn’t talk to each other. I just could hear the sound of the fork rubbing against the plate. Seungri just kept his head bowed staring at his plate, he only occasionally glancing Gaho who seemed like not too excited today. Somehow I really want to hear Seungri’s voice, how he usually always does act to me but this morning is very peaceful and quiet. Supposedly it's something I always hoped but I don’t know why I feel strange and uncomfortable, like there is something missing from me.
 

What's wrong with you Ji?
No ...., it's better like this ...
 

I glanced at my watch and stood up. I took two pieces of toast and sunny side that I put on the plate and I put it in front of the chair where is Seunghyun used to sit. I also prepared a cup of coffee for him. To be honest I’m questioning this too, why am I doing this? I shouldn’t still so angry right? I’m still mad at him and I just wanted to do it but I do not know why.
"Finish your breakfast. Say it too to your Appa" I said to Seungri. He looked at me and then nodded. I took my bag and left him staring at me confused.




 

I'm getting anxious waiting for the results of their DNA. Youngbae said tomorrow I can get it. I don’t know whatever the result is, it will be no good for me, I'm well aware of it. It’s kinda dilemma for me. If Seungri is really Seunghyun’s son, I had to leave him because I know the relationship his son and I will never succeed while Seunghyun isn’t able to help me. Seungri hates me and maybe I’m starting to hate that kid too. It's like a dream come true for Seunghyun because he always wants to have a child while that boy is the seed of love between him and Meeyon. It's very painful for me, probably Seunghyun still loves Meeyon so much, that’s why it’s very hard for me to accept this reality, I have to care for and raise a son of my husband's ex-girlfriend, who ever he loved so greatly. I feel embarrassed, I feel like this incident had slapped my face. I never imagine it. I think Meeyon won over me as though I’m married with Seunghyun but she can give a child for him while I can’t do that, never. It really hurts me and I feel insulted because of her.
 

No…, I don’t hate her..., it just…
I hate myself!
 

And if Seungri isn’t Seunghyun’s son, maybe I can be a little calm and to be honest I hope all that is true. But I also don’t have a heart if I have to throw him out of my house even more  I'm so sure Seunghyun wouldn’t agree with that but I have to do it. It should be another way though I still don’t know what it is, but I can’t live with Seungri. Seunghyun already loves him so much and they can’t be separated. Seungri loves Seunghyun too. It tortured me, one hand I'm glad Seunghyun is so happy because of Seungri but another hand I hate this situation. Seungri is not my child, I'm not ready for a child's presence in our midst. I’m well aware I’m so selfish and stubborn but I want our own child, maybe I'll wait until there is some sort of program for gay couples as we have our own biological children. It’s ridiculous right? Maybe I’m too afraid to be a great parent, maybe I'm not convinced of myself that I’m capable of being that, not as good as my own parents or Seunghyun’s parents. What if I taught him on the wrong way? What if I’ll give him on a dark future when he grows up? What if my husband will love him much more than me and give his all attention to that boy and forget about me?
 

There are many things that I'm afraid of...
It’s so so difficult ...
 

Although in the end we had adopted a child, I want us to really consider it. I want we make decision together and choose the best one not suddenly as of now I'm going through. Seungri came at the wrong time, when I’m not ready and basically he’s something from Seunghyun’s past.
 

Whatever the result remains difficult for me. There are two things that I couldn’t deny, Seungri doesn’t like me, he hates me and he still needs a mother now and I couldn’t replace his mother and I would never want that role.
 

I can’t do that ...
I don’t want it...




 

It had ready very late. After drove me, Seungho went away immediately. Today is one of our friend's birthday and we partied to celebrate it. Hanging out with my friends made me a little entertained. In addition to drowning in work, along with them made me better at least I can forget my anxiety though only for a moment. Seunghyun didn’t call me as before, I think he may have begun to understand that right now I need some time for myself.
 

I’m grateful these days I'm very busy. The day after tomorrow I'm going to Jeju to attend a fashion show. Maybe if I didn’t see Seunghyun in few days can make everything getting better and at least I can get away to enjoying the beauty of Jeju. I need to