After a few days, it was discovered that Tao could not cook to save his life.

Tao proudly presented some brown lumpy thing on a plate.

Luhan cautiously poked the burnt object.

"Tao, sweetie, what is this?" Kyungsoo questioned as politely as he could.

Tao puffed up his chest in pride.

"I made a sandwich!"

Chen swallowed thickly. "Wh-why is something moving?"

Xiumin crunched down on it. "It hink it thastes okee." (I think it tastes okay)

Rolling his eyes, Luhan scoffed,"Of course you think it would taste okay. We don't call you iron stomach for nothing."

Kris bit down bravely, eyes watering violently.

He coughed,"It's great" right before he passed out on the floor.

However, Tao became a permanent part of their team when an unforseeable event happened.

When Kris finally regained consciousness, Chanyeol pounded down the gavel.

"All rise for the honorable judge, Kim Junmyeon."

Junmyeon sat down miserably at the desk. 

"I didn't want to do this."

Ignoring him, Baekhyun stepped up and read,"Tao versus the newsroom. What will you plead?"

Tao desperately yelled,"Not guilty. Wait, what the hell is going o-"

"Proceed." Yixing interrupted.

Luhan, now smartly dressed in a suit and tie, cleared his throat.

"Deliberately trying to poison a man. Sounds horrible, does it not? OF COURSE IT DOES." He cried, slamming down his hand.

Tao jumped in his seat.

" Attempted murder. Now, what constitutes a murder? The intent to KILL with MALICE. A deliberate and premeditated crime, ladies- I mean, gentlemen and gentlemen. Poisoning is one of the most horrible ways to go. DO YOU KNOW THE VICTIM'S PAIN? THE HORRIBLE OOZING OF THE GUTS AS THE FALL THROUGH THE CORRODED SKIN OF THE FALLEN ONE? THE MIND BOGGLING, HORRIFYING AGONY THAT WE WILL NEVER KNOW?"

At this point, Luhan had thrown himself to the floor and was rolling about.

"JUST LIKE THIS, THEY ROLL AROUND, ALMOST LIKE BUFFALOS, TRYING TO ESCAPE THE BURNING WITHIN! CLUELESS TO THEIR FATAL END, THEY TRY TO OVERCOME THE MISERABLE SUFFERING AND COMPLETE ANGUISH."

Junmyeon blinked rapidly, trying to figure out where Luhan was going with this.

"FEEL THE AFFLICTIONS OF MY CLIENTS. ONLY YOU-"

He pointed at the transfixed audience.

"-CAN PUT OUT THE FOREST FIRE IN THE HEARTS OF THE POISONED. Oh, and my clients, if they win this case, wish for Huang Zitao to leave the newsroom." He finished quietly and sat back down.

Xiumin (also in a suit) stood up silently, ruffling the papers he had in his hands.

"Gentlemen of the jury, what you see here is an innocent man. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, murder is the crime of unlawfully killing a person especially with malice aforethought. Why would my client, Huang Zitao, want to poison anyone? Especially the one he loves, Wufan?"

Kris and Tao both turned an unslightly shade of deep red.

"Think about that question as we move on to..."

After another 3 minutes of big words and gentle questioning, Xiumin finished with,"Please consider marking down not guilty on your ballots. Thank you."

Chen swiped at a tear. "That was beautiful."

Xiumin smirked at everyone. "High school pofo*, mofos."

Chanyeol brought down the gavel.

"ALRIGHT, mark down your decision on the slips of paper, generously ripped up by moi. Okay, turn them in. Quickly, we don't have all day. Wait, we kinda do." He chuckled.

Junmyeon rolled his eyes.

As Baekhyun began to read out ballots, Sehun let out a girly squeal and jumped onto a chair.

Kai facepalmed. "Bro, I thought you said that you wanted to be more manly around Lu- GOOD MOTHER OF GOD SOMEONE KILL IT."

Walking over to them, Luhan peeked at what they were looking at.

"KRISUS SOMEONE KILL IT SOMEONE KILL ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT."

The newsroom was in a state of chaos.

Xiumin and Chen had locked themselves into the bathroom, Sehun was holding onto a terrified Luhan while Luhan banged on the bathroom door, begging to be let in, Kai jumped onto the nearest thing, which was conveniently Kyungsoo, Baekhyun was climbing on Chanyeol, Yixing had disappeared, Tao was confused, and Junmyeon and Kris were shoved toward the deadly beast to be the sacrifices.

"KILL IT!" Baekhyun cried. "You're the executive producer or whatever."

Kris sobbed,"Then why am I here?"

Luhan yelled,"Because you're the manly news anchor that's supposed to be as brave as or something."

Tao scratched his head. "What are you guys so scared of- OH MAI GAWD IT IS COMING THIS WAY IT'S CRAWLING TOWARDS ME."

Crawling forwards at breakneck speed and on 8 legs, the fearsome spider made it's way toward Tao.

Tao scrambled backwards, running into Kris and Junmyeon.

Grabbing for something behind him, Tao reached for the nearest thing (and afterwards, Kris thanked his lucky stars it was not him), which happened to be Junmyeon.

Flipping him over his head, Tao brought him down hard on the spider.

Junmyeon let out a strangled groan-scream of pain.

Everyone shivered as it pierced the still air.

Luhan ran over, jumping nimbly over Junmyeon's limp body, and raised Tao's hand.

"OUR SAVIOR! TAO YOU CAN STAY HERE AND GUARD US FOREVER please stay."

And so, Tao stayed as the official nature enforcement specialist (aka the bug security guard).

"10,943 days left."Junmyeon nursed his sore behind dolefully.

He crossed off another square on his calendar, looked at the cheerfully mocking old people and thought,"I really need to get another calender."

*For anyone who doesn't get the high school pofo part, pofo stands for public forum debate.

Btw the two speeches above aren't how actual debate speeches are written. Just letting you guise know

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