(July 2015)

Title: Playground of Secrets
Author: minderaser

Reviewer: eleutheromaniac

Title: (2)/5
While this sort of title isn’t one that I’ve really seen before on the site, it’s not something that I’m particularly drawn to either. Your story’s still starting out, so I can’t really tell if its connection to your storyline will be clear, but for now, I’m at a loss. I have a feeling that this is something that you’ll get to, but unfortunately, it’s not quite there yet.

Description/Foreword: (9.5)/10

I’ve always been the type of person who’s into short and simple descriptions, so in my eyes, you’re definitely on the right track. However, I’ve docked half a point off your score for the punctuation in the second paragraph. The commas are extraneous.

This is more of a personal thing, but I would also advise you to either capitalize all of the names in your characters list, or capitalize none of them. The inconsistency is kind of off-putting. And while it’s always important to give credit where credit is due, perhaps you could shorten the section a bit? Perhaps by decreasing some of the spacing between the lines or resizing the images? This is just a suggestion based on a personal opinion, however; the ultimate decision is up to you.

Plot: (22.5)/30

I usually don’t break down my scoring, but in this case, I feel like it’s important for me to do so. Originality - 9; Believability - 8; Flow - 5.5 (each out of ten).

There’s no denying that your story is one that I haven’t seen too often on this site. While I would’ve loved to give you full points for originality, I find it very difficult to do so since your story is still in its very early stages and there’s a lot of potential for change. However, it’s definitely the highest mark for originality that I’ve given in a very long time, so it’s still definitely worthy of applause.

Though I loved your characterization of Myungsoo to death (you’ll hear a lot more about it later, I promise), there were a few aspects of his character that made me question how realistic it was. He’s in high school, and therefore a minor, so why doesn’t the doctor call the police on him since he clearly has a drug/alcohol problem? Since the story takes place in America, I’m almost positive that doing so would be protocol. I’m not sure if he’s seventeen or eighteen, but if it’s the former, Myungsoo would have to be meeting with a pediatric doctor and I’m pretty sure that his parent(s) would be present for the appointment. But I don’t know, maybe that’ll be something that’s touched on more later.

I also didn’t quite understand how Myungsoo had enough money to just throw at Yuri like that? He’s a high school student with a substance problem, so I doubt that he has a stable job—and if he does, I would imagine it would be spent on drugs.

(The epiphany that Myungsoo had an affair like that with Yuri was definitely an interesting turn of events though! You caught me offguard and I love you for that.)

Your flow is definitely your weakest point when it comes to your storyline. Thankfully it doesn’t really cast too negative of an effect on your characters, but it’s still something that needs work.

Things were running smoothly until I got to the part where the problem with Chaiyo’s grandmother was introduced. The transition from Key’s bullying fiasco to Chaiyo’s own issues was pretty smooth, but the latter bursting into tears so randomly was pretty rough. You, as the omniscient author, stated a fact about the absence of the elderly woman, and suddenly you have one of your characters crying about it. There’s no stimulus: no phone call, no mention of her name, just a momentary silence. Chaiyo’s thoughts going from Key being scared of being honest with his mom to his grandmother’s impending death just doesn’t feel very realistic at all.

Another rushed moment of the plot was the collapse of said grandmother. Her problem was just introduced to us, and then all of a sudden, it just hits us full blast. It’s an important element to the plot since it’s how Myungsoo, Chaiyo, and Yuri all end up in the same place at roughly the same time, but the occurrence seems to almost be for the sake of plot convenience. The collapse wouldn’t have been viewed by me so negatively, I think, if there was some sort of time elapse between the time the problem was introduced to the time that it hits Chaiyo full-blast.

The flow is also kind of fast in the paragraph where Myungsoo throws money at Yuri, so please be careful.

In all honesty, it’s kind of hard for me to give you an accurate score on this portion of the review since your story is still in the stages of exposition; you’re just starting out, so things that might really stand out to me as problematic might not even mean much in the grand scheme of your story. For example, right now, one of the biggest plot points we’ve seen is the collapse of Chaiyo’s grandmother. There isn’t much that’s happened in your story so far, so this stands out a lot and I don’t think it was done well. However, in the long-run, this moment might be outshined by others (like I’m sure it will be). It’s all dependent, you know?

Characterization: (16)/20

So I usually take notes when I’m reading a story in preparation for the upcoming review, and I’m laughing really hard at myself, because a majority of the notes that I have for you in this section are me raving about how much I love your characterization of Myungsoo in all-caps. That being said, he definitely stole the show for me. From the moment he introduced himself in such an -ish manner, I knew that I was a goner. What I really appreciate about how you wrote him is that you’ve expanded on the typical “bad boy” stereotype. When I see it on this site, it’s usually a very surface-level approach where the “bad boy” attitude is usually a front. You wrote Myungsoo as an actual and he’s not sorry about it and I’m not very sure it’s a front either—it’s just him. And I’m seriously still not over it, haha.

(I especially loved his interaction with Key’s mother—”He’s my associate, not friend.” That was great! I would suggest rewording it to “He’s my associate, not my friend” since I think it flows a bit nicer.)

In general, I really love all of the character dynamics that you’ve set up for us. From the very moment Chaiyo was introduced, I felt an intense appreciation for his friendship with Key, and when Myungsoo was thrown into the mix, I couldn’t help but applaud you for creating such an interesting trio to lead the cast of your story. While Myungsoo was definitely the strongest of the three, the other two had their moments. However, I would be careful with how you continue to write Chaiyo as I’m worried that he’s becoming borderline Gary Stu. With the whole “orphan” dilemma and his sickly grandmother and also sickly self and “master of many languages” trait, you’re pulling a lot of pity cards that I don’t think need to be pulled. I already felt for him enough when he interacted with Key at his very introduction, so just throwing in the part about his sickly grandmother would’ve been enough. Maybe throwing in the whole “tragic orphan backstory” would’ve been okay later on in the story, but with where you are now, it feels like there are too many things being piled onto him at once.

I would also keep an eye on Key because there are moments when he borders annoying. I feel awful for him because living through what he’s living through can’t possibly be easy. It’s understandable for him to whine a lot, but you need to balance it out with something. I would’ve docked more points for this, but his interaction with Myungsoo in the second chapter really changed my mind; Myungsoo’s bitter sassiness balances out Key’s not-so-subtle desires in the perfect way.

We haven’t seen much of Yuri yet, but I really do like what I’ve seen of her so far. The development of your characters is needed, but I’m more than confident that you’ll get to it when your story needs you to—just remember not to rush it!

Grammar: (14)/15

Most of your grammar was pretty spot-on throughout the entirety of your story; in fact, a majority of your mistakes come off to me as typos or very easy fixes which is awesome. You have a couple of typos, such as “god” (if you’re talking about the Christian God, then the “g” should be capitalized) and “you’re mom,” from chapter two.

Other times, your word choice seems a bit off. For example, in chapter one, you say “...abuse wasn’t as worse…” when it should be “...abuse wasn’t as bad…” Another mistake would (again) be from chapter one; you say “...managed to plot down…” when it should be “...managed to plop down…” or another word with a similar meaning.

Remember that when your speaker changes a new paragraph should be created. You’re pretty good at doing this, but I did notice a couple of times when you slipped up—in chapter one, the paragraph that begins with “‘This will sting...’”

I would also make sure that you watch your conventions: always write out the number instead of using the digits, i.e, “seventy-five” instead of “75”.

I wasn’t sure, but at the beginning of chapter one during all of the bits of dialogue, is that supposed to be an em dash? If you don’t have the singular line, the go-to substitute is usually “--” (two en dashes) rather than “---” (three en dashes)—from what I’ve seen at least.

The only other grammatical issue I noticed was that you’re sometimes missing commas and sometimes putting them in places where they don’t need to be.

Writing Style: (11)/15

It makes me unbelievably happy to tell you that you have a pretty clear voice throughout your narration. There are a couple of things that I think that you should pay careful attention to, however, in order to really make your writing style shine.

I would start by trying to use less repetitive diction within your writing. In chapter one, the word “hands” was repeated excessively in a short amount of time, and in chapter two, it was “cry”. Pull out a trusty thesaurus and find some synonyms! When words are used over and over again, it can make your writing fall flat and boring. It’s a pretty easy fix though, so I’m sure that you can do it fairly easily!

Make sure that you’re also keeping an eye on your syntax. You mix your simple and complex sentences fairly well, but little things like using em dashes for your interjections or throwing in a semi-colon here or there can really do you wonders—just make sure that you’re using them correctly!

Personal Enjoyment: (5)/5

I was honestly sad when I got to the end of the second chapter and realized that there was nothing left for me to read because I’m pretty sure that I fell in love with your character dynamics and the way you wrote Myungsoo. Like, I mentioned it in the “Characterization” portion of the review, but most of the notes I have about your characters is me raving about how much I love him. This story is one that seems very character-driven to me, so the fact that your characters are so likable is an awesome thing.

I had to subscribe in order to read your story, but I like it so much that I’m definitely staying subscribed.

Total Score: 80/100

Reviewer’s Comments: It makes me sad that I couldn’t give this story a higher score even though I liked it so much. In all honesty, I think that it has a lot to do with how much I was able to read; there are currently only two chapters up for this story, so the judgments that I made in the “Plot” section of this review may be a little inaccurate. Sure, I believed that some of the events in the first two chapters came off as way too sudden. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the rest of your plot will be rushed, you know? Time will tell, but unfortunately, I have to grade you based on what you’ve shown me and not give you the benefit of the doubt.

My honest opinion though? Request for another review from us around chapter ten and I’ll have someone else at the shop score it since if I review it again, I’m sure that I’ll show some personal bias. Your story has a lot of potential, and despite a few bumpy sections, I have a feeling that the overall journey you’ll take us on will be a smooth one.