(January 2016)

Title: Abide With Calamity

Author: Flower-of-May

Reviewer: eleutheromaniac

Title: (1)/5
I found the title interesting, but not something that was easy for me to remember. While the story definitely clarifies how the title relates to the plot, the emphasis on the connection is too strong at the beginning (making it seem as though said connection was forced) followed by a sudden lack of emphasis after the first two chapters. In my opinion, if the title of a story is going to be directly used within the text itself, it should be done either around the time of or the time of resolution in a subtle way so that readers can make the connection themselves. Directly explaining the link of title and story is a form of “telling” versus “showing,” meaning that the author isn't allowing the reader to draw conclusions about certain aspects of the texts, can lead to shallow development.

While the title itself is interesting, it is not grammatically correct which can be a big turn-off to readers. People don't abide with something, they abide by it; the wrong preposition is being used. The phrasing of the title leads me to believe that the definition of “abide” being used is “to act in accordance or acceptance with something,” but I would be careful since this would insinuate that the title means “obey calamity,” which I don't think is what you were going for.

(As a side note, “with” within your title should not be capitalized.)

Description/Foreword: (3)/10

As I mentioned previously, the connection between the story’s title and its actual plot is emphasized much too early for my tastes. This is evident again when the word “calamity” is used in the very first sentence of the description, making it seem kind of repetitive. The same goes for the word “abide,” used in the second sentence. The connection of calamities and abide ports is already drawn in the first chapter of the story, so I don’t think that it’s appropriate to keep repeating the same two words over and over again. Since the title of the story is Abide With Calamity, I would suggest that the words “abide” and “calamity” be used sparsely so that they can create a dramatic effect for readers when they’re finally used.

While the premise of the description is an interesting one, the faulted grammar ruins the appeal of the first impression. For your reference, here’s a copy of the written description:

“In which Jinri Choi is unfortunate to marry a sadistic Duke, and hopes to run away from calamity. And Taemin Lee is a gentleman who’s estate becomes an abide port for distressed ladies.”

Although I understand why Jinri Choi is the main protagonist's name (as that’s the name of the individual she’s fashioned after and all), it’s important to maintain consistency within any written work. In this story, Jinri is married to Chanyeol Park, and because of the time period, it’s appropriate to assume that she takes on his surname as her own. In the first chapter, a link to a character profile of sorts for Jinri is present (viewed here) and her name is correctly stated to be Jinri Park. That being said, I think that referring to her as Jinri Choi in the description was simply a habitual error.

“Unfortunate” is an adjective, and the placing in this sentence requires a verb of some kind in order to connect the two nouns. The appropriate correction would be “... Unfortunate to have married…”

While it is appropriate to capitalize the title of duke if you’re referring to someone specific, that isn’t being done here, so duke should not be capitalized. If you were to say Duke Park, then it would be appropriate to capitalize. A good guide to this can be found here.

Using the conjunction “and” is unnecessary here since the two parts of the sentence don’t necessarily have to be independent clauses, and could instead be a simple list.

Starting the next sentence with “and” is technically grammatically incorrect, though some people choose to do so anyway—which is alright as long as there is a clear understanding of conventional boundaries. In this case, I would advise against starting the sentence this way since the word “and” appears just moments before this usage of the word “and,” thereby coming off as repetitive diction with no rhetorical purpose. Here’s a guide that explains when different conjunctions should be used in extensive detail.

Saying “who’s” is equivalent to saying “who is,” since the word is a contraction. I believe that the word you were looking for was “whose.”

I’m torn about how I feel in regards to the phrase “abide port.” The phrase doesn’t exist as far as I know (or as far as my Google search could find), and the more I think about the phrase, the more it doesn’t make sense to me. I’ll talk more about this in the plot section of the review and no points were taken off for it in this section. However, I still believe that the words “abide” and “calamity” shouldn’t be used within your description to refrain from redundancy.

Taking all of this in mind, here’s a possible revision for the story’s description:

“In which Jinri Park is unfortunate to have married a sadistic duke and hopes to run away from tragedy, while Taemin Lee is a gentleman whose estate becomes a refuge for distressed ladies.”

The quotes in the story description are also grammatically correct, detracting from the possible intrigue of this introduction. For your reference, I’ll insert them here:

“Forgive me sir, I have no intentions on burdening you.”

“Trust me love, I’m only burdened by your safety.”

When a character is being addressed, a comma should appear before they’re referred to. In this case, for example, there should be a comma after “me” in both sentences.

“On” is the incorrect preposition here; the correct one would be “of.” A simple preposition guide can be found here.

When Taemin says that he’s “burdened by [Jinri’s] safety,” it means that he’s bothered whenever she’s safe, which I’m sure isn’t your intention. That being said, the word “safety” should be replaced by an antonym, such as “vulnerability.”

With all of that said, a possible revision for these quotes would be:

“Forgive me, sir, I have no intention of burdening you.”

“Trust me, love, I’m only burdened by your vulnerability.”

The other quote in the description is, “when life offers you possibilities don’t waste them on card-boards,” and I’m not quite sure what this is supposed to mean. What is the word “card-boards” (should be cardboard, by the way) supposed to refer to? I don’t really follow this train of thought and I would suggest changing it to something that’s more concise if you want it to inflict some sort of curiosity in readers rather than just confusion.

Another quick note is that “angest” isn’t a word and the correct genre that is being referred to is angst.

I’ll talk more about grammar later on in this review, but it’s needless to say that the incorrect grammar was a huge turn-off for me when I was looking at the story. However, I found the ideas you had for your description to be very interesting and the description/foreword has a high aesthetic appeal in regards to its set-up.

Plot: (11)/30

While I believe that the story has an interesting premise (definitely getting those strong vibes of drama), there were multiple instances in which the believability of the plot was hampered. I found the story’s flow to be quite engaging at first, but such engagement faded at Chapter Seven, when the story began to feel very rushed.

As I mentioned previously, the phrase “abide port” is an odd one that I can’t really wrap my mind around. I’ve heard of women running away to join convents when they found the world around them to be cruel, but nothing similar to “abide ports,” though I could simply be mistaken. This concept has the potential to be unique to your story, so I think that when the term is first used (in the first chapter), you should reference the fact that Soojung’s is the only abide port so that readers don’t get confused. The phrase, however, is one that I believe should be changed. While there are many different definitions of the word “abide,” none of them seem to really fit (it’s not a place where a rule is being obeyed, it’s not a place where people aren’t being tolerated, and while people go there “to survive,” that definition is usually in reference to memories or feelings). The only one that seems as though it could fit would be the archaic definition, meaning “to live or to dwell,” though using the word in such a way nowadays is quite rare and essentially nonexistent. At the same time, the phrase “port” is usually in reference to a dock of sorts, so that word choice doesn’t feel appropriate either. The concept of the abide port is central to the story, so it's crucial that you present in an appropriately believable way. I think that a good way to do this would be to consider renaming the phrase to something that makes a little more sense conceptually.

The location and the misunderstanding of the abide port came off as a little unbelievable as well. For example, Taemin says that the abide port address is close to his house and that's probably why it was delivered to the wrong place, but in Chapter Three, he's complaining about how far away it is. At the same time, what are the realistic odds of the delivery boy bringing multiple letters to the wrong address one after another? Taemin later tells Jinri that she's been sending her letters to the wrong address, but that contradicts his earlier explanation of the letter being delivered incorrectly. The story so far is kind of short, so it's very important that consistency is maintained since such inconsistency can easily be noticed by readers.

The reality of Jinri’s “wounds” also doesn't make much sense either. If Chanyeol beats her without using a weapon and she doesn't break skin on anything sharp, then she shouldn't be bleeding out, she should be bruising. That being said, bruises don't typically appear right away and bruises don't leave scars behind once they fade.

In Chapter Four, Chanyeol wakes up at the sound of Jinri boiling water, but for some reason, he doesn't wake up at the sound of her running away from the house? I would imagine that the latter would create a lot more noise since Jinri would be stumbling around with her injuries despite trying to make a hushed escape, so Chanyeol’s ignorance of her departure comes off more like plot convenience. It was also rather strange that Jinri is able to make it all the way to Taemin’s house without any sort of help. Not only was she just severely beaten, but she's grown up in a sheltered life, so she shouldn't really be familiar with any of her surroundings. It would have made more sense for Seulgi to help guide her, since it was kind of anticlimactic for Chanyeol to just let her go when he's painted as such an evil character.

Towards the final few chapters of the story, the pace increased considerably and I think that may be one of the reasons why there were so many contradictions within the plot. Although Jinri’s presence in Taemin’s house seemed like it was going to be a tightly kept secret, everyone was able to pick up on her location super fast. Chanyeol’s discovery makes a remote amount of sense, but Taemin and Jieun never discussed the letters, so I didn't understand how Jieun knew that Jinri was staying there and that Chanyeol was coming to take her back. In the next chapter, Jieun already insinuates that she knows that Taemin has some feelings for Jinri—even though they had just met—and I had no idea what was going on. My confusion intensified when he was suddenly dancing with Jieun at a party even though the story made it out to seem like he had just gone to sail for some kind of business trip. Time was jumping around way too much to the point that it hampered my understanding of the story’s events and decreased the believability of your story in regards to the characters and their relationships.

Despite this, I thoroughly enjoyed the pacing of the first six chapters of your story. Sometimes I don't like it when readers aren't given any sort of respite from the chaos of the story, but it worked well for you here in a rhetorically significant way. Jinri was feeling bombarded and overwhelmed, so it made sense that readers experienced that with her. However, it would've made more sense if there was a sense of relaxation after Jinri made it to Taemin’s during which she didn't have to worry about anything and felt truly secure in her temporary living arrangement. Instead, Chanyeol discovers where she is almost immediately, so readers don't really get a sense that Taemin’s protection is the safe haven that it's supposed to be. Spending more time on Jinri adjusting to the Lee household would’ve fixed that, though.

There were some interesting plot points you brought up that I’m hoping will become more developed as you continue to write your story. Jieun’s role in the story as Taemin’s close friend is an interesting one, especially since there have been hints that romantic feelings have occurred between them, yet Jieun refused his marriage proposal. At the same time, Taemin’s situation with his ex-wife, Naeun, was something that I didn’t really expect and I’m excited to see how you’ll chose to develop that relationship. What I found to be the most unique aspect of the story was Jinri self-inducing herbal abortions. From what I’ve read after looking it up, it seems as though these abortions need to be done very carefully or they can cause painful death due to ingestion of the essential oils. I’m not sure if you’ll choose to go this route, but I think that it would be interesting to see Jinri experience some negative side effects due to said abortions. I’m curious as to how she learned about these herbal remedies since there doesn’t really seem to be any older mother-figure for her in the Park household.

Overall, I think that you have a lot of interesting things going on within this story. I would suggest that you make sure that you maintain consistency in regards to your characters and plot points, as well as making sure that the occurrences of your story make realistic sense. Once you get that down, I’m positive that the plot will be a lot more engaging.

Characterization: (6)/20

The biggest problem I found with the story’s characters was the inconsistency I discussed in the previous section of the review, so I won’t repeat myself here. An example of this was in Chapter Five, when it was mentioned that Jinri didn’t want anyone finding out her identity, but then in Chapter Six, she admits to being a duchess.

As Jinri’s character currently stands, she definitely presents like a Mary Sue: she’s a helpless, beautiful damsel that manages to run away all by herself, is talented in the arts, and has many characters pining over her (assuming that said characters are Chanyeol, Jongin, and Taemin, based on your tags). She’s designed to make readers pity her and cheer for her happiness, but she has no character flaws, which makes her unrealistic.

I enjoyed Chanyeol’s characterization as the abusive husband in Chapter Four, and during this first encounter, I felt that he was properly characterized as a man feared by Jinri and a true threat to her wellbeing. However, his characterization falters when he goes to the Abide Port after making so many threats, and then leaves without much of a hassle when Soojung tells him that he can’t come in. Prior to that point, Chanyeol was presented as a strong, driven character who refused to take no for an answer, so having him suddenly pull back was odd to me. With all the fuss Taemin makes about Jieun’s telling Chanyeol to just go ahead and follow the address, it would seem as though some repercussions would occur due to Chanyeol’s discovery of the place, but that’s not what occurs. His meeting with Taemin and allowing the other man three months in which he could keep his wife away from him came out of nowhere and there didn’t seem to be any reasoning behind this decision. I’m hoping that this is something that is explained in your future chapters, because if not, it’ll just be another example of plot convenience. At the same time, I hope that a reason as to why Chanyeol is so evil is introduced as well as why he treats Jinri the way that he does. Having an individual be evil for no reason other than the requirement of an antagonist in the story would make him quite flat, and since he’s so important in the story, it’s important that there is effort to shape his character into a more three-dimensional one.

I don’t really know what personality traits I was supposed to identify with Jongin and Taemin. From what I’ve read so far, they both seem very similar in nature: two kind gentlemen who want to be polite and helpful. Taemin’s a little more interesting since he’s been previously married and has a side-romance with Jieun, but other than that, there aren’t many traits that differentiate the two characters other than their names. As you continue to write your story, make sure that you develop each individual into their own, unique being while creating a balance in your characters’ good and bad qualities.

A multitude of minor characters were introduced in the story, but none of them were developed well, and I can’t see how a majority of them were important to the plot. If a character is present just to move the story forward (like the delivery boy, for example), it’s not necessary for you to name them because granting a name onto a character marks them as someone vaguely important. Jinri’s sisters, for example, were present for only a brief scene in the beginning of the story, but their presence didn’t add anything to the plot. Try to keep the cast down to a minimum so that you can flesh them out as much as possible.

In my opinion, the relationship  between Taemin and Jinri occurs much too quickly. They first meet face-to-face at the end of Chapter Five, and by the beginning of Chapter Eight—despite minimal character interaction—Jieun already states that she knows that Taemin has feelings for Jinri. Jinri is shown to also cling to Taemin’s presence when he visits her in the countryside, which was odd, since it didn’t seem as though they had truly fashioned a bond with one another yet.

Relationships can be the most difficult to develop within a story, and I think that an easy way to summarize relationship development would be to say that it’s better to spend more time on it than less. Both Taemin and Jinri have their own love problems even before they’ve met the other, so it would make more sense for them to be cautious or apprehensive of one another at first, rather than getting immediately protective and clingy.

Grammar: (3)/15

Grammar’s definitely where the story fell short, so I’ll try to include some examples of some of the mistakes that I noticed early on, while also linking to some guides that can explain said mistakes in more detail.

Tense issues were probably the most common mistake that I noticed, so I’ll start by giving you a general link to a guide here. It’s important that you maintain consistency with tenses because inconsistency can cause readers a lot of confusion when trying to decipher the text.

“There was a knock at the door, three soft ones, before a polite call reach her sensitive ears.”

The story is written in the past-tense (indicated by the word “was” in this sentence), while the word “reach” (though it should be corrected to reaches) is present-tense. At the same time, saying that there was a knock at the door signifies something singular, while later adding “three soft ones” signifies something plural, which is, again, inconsistent. The corrected version would be here:

“There was a series of knocks on the door, three soft ones, before a polite call reached her sensitive ears.”

“A sigh escaped her heart shape lips before she mumble. ‘Let her in.’”

Like the previous example, the sentence starts in the past-tense (“escaped”) but switches to the present-tense (“mumble”). “Heart shape” should also be “heart-shaped.”

“A sigh escaped her heart-shaped lips before she mumbled, ‘Let her in.’”

The final example is similar in the sense that the sentence starts in the past-tense but then switches to the present.

“The Duchess wondered with delicate raise of eyebrows, her voice is gentle as a feather.”

Recall the capitalization of issue I mentioned earlier in regards to dukes and duchesses; the word “duchess” should not be capitalized here. Adding in an article and a pronoun in the second underlined part of the sentence would help to make the sentence easier to understand. For the final underlined segment, you should choose to either turn this into a simile (“her voice was as gentle as a feather”) or choose to avoid an additional verb altogether by removing the is/was. My suggested correction is here:

“The duchess wondered with a delicate raise of her eyebrows, voice gentle as a feather.”

There were also moments during which words were mixed up in favor of another, similar to the who’s/whose issue in the story’s description.

“The surprising visit of her sister’s had her perplexed…”

“Sister’s” is a singular possessive word, getting ready to reference something that a sister owns. For example, “my sister’s doll” or “his sister’s wedding.” The word that should be here is “sisters,” without the apostrophe, which is the plural version of the word “sister.”

Another example of this is here:

“... and her breathes came out strangled.”

“Breathes” is a present-tense verb, which is the action of taking air into the lungs and then exhale it. The appropriate word for this sentence should be “breaths,” which is the plural form of “breath,” which is the air itself that is taken into the lungs.

“...she sighed out in satisfactory.”

“Satisfactory” is an adjective which wouldn’t be appropriate here since nothing is being described directly. “Satisfaction” would be the correct substitution as it is a noun.

When referring to numbers in literature, the number should always be spelled out rather than the digits being used. This means that, for example, “eighteen” should be written rather than “18”.

I’ve never heard of the book Another Whiteness before (and when I Googled it, a book by that title didn’t exist), but it’s important that you italicize/underline the titles of major works whenever they’re referred to within a text. Since the supposed book is quoted in the sixth chapter of the story, I went ahead and Googled the quote to find out where it came from, only to discover that it’s from the movie,  Winter’s Tale, which was adapted from the book Winter’s Tale by Mark Helprin. Quoting a passage and then not crediting a proper source is a form of plagiarism, so be careful with that. To be honest, the entity “Another Whiteness” does not necessarily have to be created when a book version of the source that you took quotes from exists. Actually, the presence of “Another Whiteness” could have been the perfect opportunity for an allusion, which would serve as some wonderful figurative language, but unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

Writing Style: (1)/15

It’s nearly impossible to possess a distinct writing style without a proper foundation in the English language, so don’t feel too discouraged by your score here. While there were attempts at writing imagery within the story, said attempts came off as forced and awkward due to your diction. I’ll list a couple of examples here before moving on to other aspects of your writing style.

"By the bench before the floor-length mirror, that frail shadow sat, of any clothes. Her gleaming curls were soft against her right , warm even. She sat sideways and tried to catch a look at her back, the little hairs on her body stood in anticipation with the of the cool wind, trickling down from the opened window.”

“She flattered her eyes at her bushed reflection in the mirror and pursed shut…”

“His deep voice still got her feelers tickle with intensity.”

At one point, the imagery included seems okay, but you go on to contradict said imagery in the very next sentence.

“She tied her dressing gown around her petite shivering body and pinched her already rosy cheek to appear more alive. Her skin was so pale she could be a ghost.”

Her cheeks are already red, and she’s pinching them to make them even redder, so how can she be likened to a ghost?

The word “bushed” is used frequently within the story, but after looking it up, it turns out to be an Australian slang word, which would be inappropriate for a story that seems as though it’s set in the Victorian era.

Certain words are used over and over again in a short period of time, making sentences feel repetitive with no rhetorical significance. Examples of this are “masseuse” and “fairy tales” in the first chapter.

Sentences were also poorly structured, such as this one from Chapter One:

“I bet all he talks about is stocking market, and dollars, and projects and those unintelligent business letters.”

The commas here are inconsistent, so I’m not sure if you were going for a polysyndeton, an asyndeton, or just a syndeton, but none were done successfully.

I think that what bothered me the most about your writing style is that, rather than trying to describe aspects of your story (like clothing and character appearances), you chose to link to images of the outfits or the characters themselves. Occurrences like this are extreme cases of “telling” rather than “showing.” As an author, it’s your job to paint images in the minds of your readers through words alone—not with linked examples. In all honesty, since you go through the trouble of finding so many images to showcase what you’re trying to say, describing clothing and characters should be easier since you have a physical image to refer back to rather than just one in your head.

In order to improve your writing style, I would start by reading through some of the grammar guides I linked you to throughout this review, and then focusing on describing scenes with your own words rather than relying on descriptions.

Personal Enjoyment: (1)/5

There are a lot of aspects within this story that show great potential and succeeded in making me curious about the coming occurrences of the story. The most notable for me was Jieun’s refusal of Taemin’s proposal although it seems as though she has feelings for him, as well as the vague mystery of Taemin and Naeun’s divorce. While Jinri’s story didn't quite interest me as much, I believe that more focus on the roles of the side characters (since you have so many) would really flesh your story out and improve its plot.

Discovering that you took quotes from a written work without acknowledging the source material seriously hampered my lasting impression of your story, however, bringing your score here down to a one.

Total Score: 26/100

Reviewer’s Comments: It’s clear that you have a lot of great ideas when it comes to writing, which is wonderful! I don't really see many stories centered on the Victorian era on AFF, so it was interesting to read about. I would make sure that you read some of the guides I linked to in the grammar section of this review, since it can be difficult for readers to understand what you're writing about when the story is written with incorrect grammar, and said incorrect grammar can make it very easy for readers to lose interest in your story. Again, I would suggest that you change “Another Whiteness” to Winter’s Tale so that you appropriately give credit to the authors of the movie’s screenplay instead of passing it off under a nonexistent book title. Practice makes perfect, so read through some guides, keep on writing, and you'll get better in no time!