[December 2012]

Story Title: When the Mockingbird Strikes
Story Author: -Yoshi

But what makes your title so intriguing, especially for a TKM fangirl like me, is the “strikes” part of it. I’m not sure if everyone reading this review has read the book (like they all should!), but within the text, the mockingbird is meant to symbolize innocence. If this was the context that your title is meant to be in, then it could also mean, “When the Innocent Strikes.” And I mean, come on. Who wouldn’t find a story like that interesting?

And in fact, you should get full points just because your title can instigate such a thought process in a potential reader. Which is why you did.

Then, after we’ve gone through that ridiculously long thought process, we find out that the mockingbird is literally a mockingbird. And dear Lord, when I found that out, I just felt stupid.

But it’s okay, because your story is still amazing.

What delights me so much about this title is how clear it is that it pertains to your story. After just reading through your description and foreword, it’s painstakingly obvious how important the symbol of the mockingbird is to your story. And after combining that with how melodic it sounds, you’ve got yourself an ideal title.

It may seem like this portion of the view has gone on for such a long while, despite it being worth five points, but I just felt like I really had to commend you. One of the hardest things for me is coming up with a perfect title to my stories that is original, eye-catching, and an ideal fit. You’ve managed to do just that, and you should certainly be commended for it.

Appearance:  4/5
Yay! You have a poster! And a pretty one at that. I’m definitely getting the whole crime scene vibe from it, which is what I should be getting. What did bother me though was the textural structure throughout your story. I suppose that most people don’t really care much for how an author structures their text, but for some reason, I’ve always been kind of picky about it. Throughout the story, the text within your chapters tend to alternate from a somewhat lengthy paragraph, to a couple of skimpy lines, and then back to the somewhat lengthy paragraph. There’s nothing wrong with that at all, but I just think that it would look nicer if you had structural variation throughout the text. But I was happy to note that you had plenty of diversity in the different types of sentences that you used! Your sentences varied in length, and you used a perfect blend of fragments and complicated sentences. A lot of people tend to stick to one or the other, so seeing that you did that definitely made me happy!

I like the neat way that you used your textural features, most notably, your italics. I like that you didn’t overuse them, because I find that some people tend to do so. I also appreciate that you didn’t randomly bold, underline, or strike anything that didn’t need to be bolded, underlined, or striked.

Another one of the things that I noticed throughout the piece was that it looks like it’s double spaced. By that, I meant that between each of the paragraphs, there are two blank lines instaed of the usual one that you get after hitting the “enter” key a single time. So that means that you hit said key twice, right? I was thinking about why you would take the time to do that, and the only idea that I could think of is that it would make the chapter easier to read. Am I right? Of course, there’s not necessarily anything wrong with this either. But I’m just one of the people who feels iffy about empty spaces.

To be honest, the “appearance” portion of a review is always the hardest for me to write, since I feel like it’s such a subjective standpoint. I try to grade based off of how professional the story looks, but that, again, is a mere opinion. Haha, I do have to thank you for not using a neon colored font or something to color your text. Dear Lord, that would be such an eyesore.

Description/Foreword:  15/15
When I write a review, the first things that I judge will always be the title of the story as well as the description and foreword, as that’s the first thing that your reader judges as well. It is currently 2:19 in the morning, and even though I was planning to go to sleep after I finished these two aspects of the review, reading both your description and your foreword made me change my mind.

So if this section of your review comes off as sounding somewhat delerious… Well, I apologize in advance.

At first sight, I read your description and thought, “Well. This sounds like a typical crime investigation story.”

Then as I read through that quote that you included at the end of the description, I started nodding to myself, “Oooh. That sounded really good. And look! The foreword has an excerpt from the story!”

And as I read said excerpt, a little part of me died because it was just so wonderfully worded, and it gave such a good preview of the characterization of the characters, and I instantly forgot that I was tired, because all I could think about was reading your story.

Which is, ideally, how every single description/foreword out there should be.

I feel like a description/foreword is one of the most important aspects of any work, right up there with the storyline, the characters, and the grammatical aspect of it all. To put it frankly, if you can’t hook in that potential reader with what you have written there, then it doesn’t even matter how amazing your storyline is, or how believable and realistic you portrayed the characters. Because if the reader isn’t interested in your story after reading through that description/foreword, then it’s not like they’re going to continue reading and later realize that everything else about your story is amazing.

So, really. Kudos to you.

And I’m also still not over how wonderful your foreword is. So there’s no way that I’m not awarding you full points.

Storyline: 25/25
I think that I ended up reading this entire thing really quickly. I feel like I zoomed through the chapters because they were fun to read, and because I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. Skimming through my notes, I literally have no complaints whatsoever abuot the plot. I kind of just ramble and spazz about how this plot is freaking amazing. Which kind of surprises me, since I feel like there should be at least one thing bad that I could point out to you. But I honestly see nothing.  And so I’ll condense all of my spastic love for your story in the few following paragraphs.

It sometimes bothers me when a story is completely dark. I know that that’s just how some of them are meant to be, but oh man. To me, it’s really difficult to have every single character in a story brooding and depressed. I mean, it’s good to have a couple, but it takes a good writer to make the audience actually feel something for all of those characters. Which is why I’m so happy that your story included some comic relief in the forms of Woohyun and other members of the supporting cast (I’m looking at you Zelo. Because you were just too adorable here). Not only that, but even the more mysterious characters had a touch of humor to them, which made me love them even more. I’ve convinced myself that every individual out there has to have some sense of humor, and seeing Sungyeol’s sarcasm (“Maybe he knows you didn’t finish your report.”) killed me. In a good way, of course.

And so did this line from chapter seven:

“He snickered in his deep, throaty voice, making Sungjong wonder not for the first time how the heck puberty had hit him so well.”

LOVED it.

Oh! Oh! And one more. Because I literally started cracking up at this line as well:

“The idea of power and Woohyun together was quite a frightening thing, if one really thought about it.” [Chapter Twelve]

While you did a really good job balancing the more sober aspects of your story with humor, you were also really good at keeping a sense of suspense and drama which is absolutely necessary in a mystery fic. Something that I took note of is your superb usage of dramatic irony, though I don’t think I really became aware of it until chapter eight. I think that all of us readers had a hunch about the connection between the cases, but when Chen almost mentioned the bird to Myungsoo, it just affirmed the fact. The reader now knows how all of the three cases are tied together, but Myungsoo, and the rest of the agents, have no idea whatsoever.

In fact, I got so caught up with clicking the “next chapter” button over and over again, that I didn’t even realize that Northern Mockingbirds weren’t even native to SouthKorea. When Chanyeol points that out in chapter thirteen, I felt like hitting myself for not putting the pieces together. But I actually take that as a good thing: to me, it means that the story became so addicting that it felt like I was in the case with them. And well, it’s nice to know that only Kahi and Chanyeol figured that part out. I would’ve been in the same position as the rest of them.

In fact, pointing that fact out to the readers makes the case even more confusing than it already is. I like the “mockingbird” aspect of the character (LOL. Especially since I ended up overthinking the whole idea of this killer, when it was pretty straightforward), and how he mimics other famous killers. I think you definitely get originality points for that right there!

What adds to the drama is the continuous mention of the twenty-first. Since it’s mentioned so often, it just gives me the feeling that it must have something to do with the crimes. And with the revelation that all three of the main characters are somewhat attached to the date…

Like I said. Suspense. Especially since I have to wait for your next update to find out what exactly is going to go down.

You mentioned in your author’s note that it was a pain to create mysteries. But I think that you deserve to be told that your hard work is definitely paying off in this story.

I don’t think that it’s often at all for a reviewer to give full points out in the storyline like I’m doing right now. But I honestly can’t find any problems at all with your plot. So kudos to you!

Grammar: 23/25
I can honestly say that out of all the stories that I’ve ever reviewed, your’s definitely has had the best grammar. And I commend you so much for that because it almost makes me feel like crying. When I’m reviewing a story, I always take notes on the things that bothered me and the things that I adored in each portion of the review, and there were honestly near to zero mistakes throughout the entire piece. I usually don’t take the time to point out all the mistakes that the author has made through their work, but I feel like most of the mistakes you had were mere typos. And as a writer myself, I know how annoying it can be to proofread your work over and over again, and it’s always so incredibly easy to miss the tiny things.

In all actuality, I think that your biggest problem (if these aren’t all typos, which I really think they may be) stems from awkward word choice. I feel like there are times in which you use a word the wrong way, or other times in which the sentence is just phrased in an unnatural fashion. However, I only took note of it about six times though, which definitely isn’t a big deal at all.

“He never uttered a single word the entire time.” [Chapter One]

I feel like this sounds irregular and kind of choppy. It doesn’t flow as well as your other sentences do. I think that rearranging it to something like this would be better:

“He never uttered a single word throughout the entire ordeal.”

A few lines down, when the killer is speaking (Old man, you should…), there is a typo.

“Old man, you should be more careful when you wander out the house at night.” [Chapter One]

“Old man, you should be more careful when you wander out of the house at night.”

The last sentence of the first chapter also felt strangely worded to me as well, but it’s definitely an easy fix.

“There was no sign to tell that Lee Seonwoong had just been murdered in his garden.” [Chapter One]

“There was no sign to suggest that Lee Seonwoong had just been murdered in his garden.”

In chapter two, you start off a line by saying, “His friend cheered and started bounding away…” but I feel like “bounding” isn’t the right word to use here. It’s grammatically correct, but I feel like it just seems out of place in this sentence. This is just my opinion though.

I also noticed this recurring mistake throughout the chapters: “…Owes me a breakfast” or “Owes me a dinner.”  In these cases, the “A” is not needed.

The final mistake I spotted was in chapter fourteen, when you used the phrase, “puzzled it out” again.

Characterization: 19/20
I think that I have to start off by saying that prior to reading this story, I was barely acquianted with INFINITE. Yeah, I loved their songs, but I never really got to know who was who, and all that jazz.

But after reading this, I feel like I should get to know them.

Your portrayal of these characters was brutally realistic, but in the lovable sort of way. I cracked up at some of their words and actions, I felt like pinching Woohyun’s cheeks, and I had this really strong urge to give Sungyeol a hug. And like… kidnap him or something.

Ahem.

My point is, I think that I’ve grown attached to these characters. I felt pity for Sungjong after his conversation with Yongguk, and when it finally clicked that he was part of a love triangle with Sungyeol as well, a little piece of me broke since I know that it’ll hurt to see one of the two get heartbroken.

All of the relationships between the characters were believable and realistically portrayed as well. The hint at Yongguk and Zelo’s relationship along with Woohyun and Sunggyu’s made me smile. And of course, the Sungjong/Myungsoo/Sungyeol had me with my eyes wide open.

And their views on the world had me nodding my head. Especially this quote of Sungyeol’s:

“Irony… For a murder to take place before the house of God, for the vilest sin mankind can do to be committed in the presence of the Lord… I find that as something like a slap to the face.”

The only thing that bothered me was that Minhee, in chapter ten, was said to have green eyes.

Green.

But the story takes place in Korea.

Based on her name, you can assume that she was at least half-Korean. But even then, darker eyes are the dominating trait, so her eyes should be brown. As agents, this was something that they should’ve picked up on as it could’ve been an important note for their case. Especially if it’s kind of obvious. But I put this into the characterization section rather than the storyline one as I feel like it might not be important to the case at all, and you just picked the color green for the heck of it.

Of course, there’s a big chance that I’m wrong. Especially since I have no idea what’ll happen next in this wonderfully written story of your’s.

Writing Style: 3/5

I adored your writing style for the most part. But the things that bothered me were what I considered to be quite significant which is why you were docked two points instead of just one.

Your author’s notes. I love that you like to leave little notes to your readers, because hey. I do, too. What bothered me was that you sometimes mentioned things in these notes that would’ve been better kept a secret. For example, in one of your author’s notes, you said something along the lines of, “the Mockingbird Killer works fast” before Myungsoo and the others realized that there was only one killer in all three of their cases. Remember how I pointed out your use of dramatic irony earlier on in this review? By adding this into your author’s notes, you kind of softened the impact of the irony. Sure, most readers should’ve been able to realize that that was what was going on since we get to see a lot more scenes in the story than the main characters do. But there’s always a handful of readers that miss things unless the narrator says it bluntly. This may not seem like that big of a deal, but you should always keep the secrets of your story secret: if it’s something that the main character isn’t aware of, don’t mention it in your author’s notes. I think that this is especially imperative in your story since it’s genre is mystery/crime.

Another time that your author’s note bothered me was in chapter ten, and it directly affected me. It was nice of you to remind us that Myungsoo was going to figure out something detrimental to the case, but in all honesty, I had become so caught up in the story that I had forgotten that that was supposed to happen. And I’m sure that after some time reading each of your updates as they came out, your readers might’ve forgotten this aspect of your description as well. If you hadn’t said this, I would’ve been genuinely surprised when the event occurred, because I would’ve completely forgotten that I should be looking out for it. By reminding us all of this little fact in your author’s note, you once again softened a blow that could’ve hit us all pretty hard.

One of the smaller things that bothered me is when you used the term “h-e-double hockey sticks” in chapter sixteen. You’ve used worse words than hell in the story, and it kind of irked me when you decided to use that more childish term instead. And at the beginning of chapter three, you portrayed a thought without italics like you usually do. This isn’t that big of a deal, of course. But consistency is key.

But one of the things that I absolutely adored about your story was your usage of imagery as well as your thoughts on the world (as seen in the first chapter). One of my favorite examples of personification stemmed from chapter fifteen of your story, and  to me, it’s one of the most poetic examples of this literary device that I’ve ever seen on this site.

“Sungjong sighed again. This time longer and louder, it sounded like how autumn might if it saw its trees all bare and its flowers dead from the cold.” [Chapter Fifteen]

Reviewer’s Comments and Advice: Okay. It’s definitely safe to say that I’ve fallen head over heels for your story. I honestly think that other than what I noted in the actual review itself, there’s absolutely no advice that I can give you. You’re a wonderful writer with absolutely riveting ideas, and I’m so excited to add you to our featured stories list.

Oh. And as soon as you read this review, let me know. I have to subscribe to your story asap, but I figured that if I gave you a hint as to how much I adored your story before I published this review, it would spoil some of the excitement. LOL.

Score Calculations: Title. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .+5
                                        Appearance. . . . . . . . . . . . .+4
                                        Description/Foreword. . . . .+15
                                        Storyline. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .+25
                                       Grammar. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . +23
                                       Characterization. . . . . . . . . . +19
                                      Writing Style. . . . . . . . . . . . . . +3
                                                               Total Score= 96

Letter Grade: A - A story that definitely needs to go on your list. Comes with my highest recommendation.