(August 2015)

Title: 미친: Psycho
Author: SrtaTacoMal

Reviewer: eleutheromaniac

Title: (1)/5
In your initial request you said that you weren’t very proud of the title, and yeah, I don’t really like it either. I’ve never been particularly fond of people using hangul within their text like that, so that’s probably one of the reasons. At the same time, I don’t feel as though the title really holds any relevance to your story? I assume that “psycho” is meant to refer to Chen since at one point in the story you call him mentally unstable, but even then, it seems more like just a label that you slapped onto him because Chen doesn’t really have any “psychotic” characteristics. I’ll talk about this more later, but you initially stating that Chen’s motive to start this whole ordeal was because he was mentally stable was probably one of the worst excuses for a villain’s motive that I’ve ever come across on this site.

Description/Foreword: (3)/10

The style of your description is one that I usually see in the comedy or crack genres, so seeing it used as a description for an angst/action story felt very odd and I don’t think it worked very nicely. Listing off a lot of plot points or interesting character quirks works well for descriptions in lighthearted genres because it shows off how silly everything is going to be and gives the reader something to look forward to. Perhaps transposing this type of description to a darker genre works well in theory, but it certainly didn’t come off as very successful in the case of your story.

It might have to do with the events/quirks that you chose to include within the description. I’ll say it here so that I don’t have to repeat it a million times later within this review, but it took me the longest time to figure out what “the beagles” was supposed to mean. I eventually had to look it up. I’m not sure why you would choose to refer to Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Chen as the “beagle line” in a story that’s supposed to be of the angst genre, but it definitely felt out of place—as did the random tidbit about Lay adopting a piglet. You’re trying to entice lovers of the angst genre to your story, and you’re not going to do it by utilizing this sort of information, and I’m honestly confused as to why you chose this information in particular because it wasn’t even that relevant to your story. When you finally say that Sehun is trying to kill someone for some reason, it ends up not fitting the rest of the sentence.

In a weird way though, listing off a bunch of random things that had to do with your story was a sneak peek for what the story would actually be like. There was so much going on and, because you didn’t take the time to set proper foundation for it, I felt overwhelmed by everything and wanted to stop reading. But more on that in the next section.

To be completely honest with you, the description that you sent to us in your review request form seems more interesting than the actual one that you used for your story.

Plot: (5)/30

In your request form, you mentioned that you “fail to get excited by them or really care about what happens next,” and I agree with that as well because I found myself skimming through large chunks of your story because it was hard for me to find any appeal within the plot. While I don’t typically come across a lot of stories that cast the Exo boys as actual aliens with superpowers that choose to become Korean idols for some odd, unknown reason, the execution of the plot came off as incredibly weak due to the lack of foundation set by the author as well as a mismatched flow to the storyline.

The superpowers in your story are obviously a very big deal but they aren’t explained very well at all. It probably would’ve been okay if you just stuck to the powers that each of the members were given within their teaser trailer, but you added so many additional facets to them (I’m still not sure how Sehun’s wind eventually turns into atomic fission, to be completely honest) that it was hard to keep track of who could do what. I was confused by the statement during the final battle with Chen that revealed that only some of them were able to transfer their powers or whatever, and even now, I still don’t really understand what that was supposed to mean?

There was a real lack of explanation here that severely decimated the believability of your story; I didn’t understand what was going on throughout its entirety so it was difficult for me to believe any elements of your plot. Other elements of your story that I believe hampered its believability are the following: how do they get into all of these fights with no one noticing the noise; how big is the gym’s practice room if everyone is able to spar in it the way they do and how is no one else curious about the crashing rocks they hear from inside; does SM know that they’re aliens because the Exo boys have pretty busy schedules so I have no idea how they have enough time for epic battles while also being idols; at the end of Chapter Eleven, you say that Sehun’s brain was slightly damaged and that he shouldn’t be conscious, but at the beginning of the next chapter, he’s completely fine, amongst a multitude of other things.

I’ll talk about this more in the “Characterization” section of this review, but a lot of the reactions that we get from the characters feel insufficient and could’ve easily been utilized by you in order to set up more of a foundation for your story. In particular, Kai saying “Luhan’s not exactly here anymore…” in the first chapter left me with a lot of questions and none of your characters reacted to the statement even though when Luhan and Kris are introduced to the story, their departure seems like a sensitive topic. I would’ve liked to know how they managed to leave the group if they were aliens and what kind of motive they would have for leaving their “brothers” (for lack of a better term) like that, but we don’t get nothing.

At the same time, Sehun’s talking about practicing nuclear fission—something that is considered a really big deal in the world of science—and only Chen’s concerned about it? Everyone else seems perfectly fine that the youngest member of the group is messing with such dangerous stuff and that seemed incredibly unrealistic to me—especially when you take into account that Chen is the one who later goes “psycho,” like, come on. Really?

The flow of your story didn’t really fare better than its believability. I felt that things happened either too slowly (in the case of the first two chapters which seem like a really bad attempt at a story’s exposition) or too quickly (literally everything after the first two chapters) and there was no inbetween. It felt like either nothing was happening or everything was happening at once and it made for a very bad read.

I don’t really consider the piglet to be a character, so I’m just going to say this here: Lay and a piglet sound cute, but his pet added absolutely nothing to the story and so I don’t see what the point was in including it. Lay adopting a piglet is something that you chose to include within your description, so I would’ve thought that the piglet would’ve contributed something to the story, but it just seemed like a random element you chose to include for no good reason. I’m more curious as to how he managed to get the pig on a plane from China into Korea since customs officers are usually pretty strict on that, but I digress.

If you want to make your story feel more exciting, it’s important that you set up a proper foundation for what you’re about to build on (i.e., properly introduce us to the universe that you’ve created instead of just throwing us into the middle of it and hoping that we’ll understand what’s going on) and establish a flow that fits your story.

Characterization: (1)/20

I think that most of the issues with your characterization are rooted in your decision to include so many people in your cast. I can understand the appeal of using all the members of Exo within a single story, but it seems incredibly pointless when none of the characters stand out. No one’s really given any solid characterization and, for the most part, it feels like they’ve all melded together and participate in a lot of groupthink. It’s good to have a cohesive group of people, but it’s awful when they lose their sense of individuality.

The character that had the most solid personality was Chen up until Lay suspects him of being a bad guy, and then all of his development just kind of goes south. He was snarky and his reactions to the other Exo members felt so realistic in comparison to their over-the-top actions. In Chapter Three when he says “I’m sure the managers will find him by tomorrow. You’re being stupid” I actually laughed because I had been thinking that everyone else was overreacting and needed to chill and then he finally said it. Casting him as the villain of your story kind of really annoyed me, and I was only more annoyed when you revealed his motive for going “psycho”. Not only was the assertion that he was mentally unstable an odd one that didn’t seem realistic, but the later explanation that he only made Sehun try to kill everyone else because he wanted everyone else to see him as a threat and wanted to keep them safe was ridiculous. That’s an awful motive that doesn’t really have much of a basis at all and the fact that everyone accepted it so readily and forgave him right away only made it feel all the more ridiculous.

In addition to the Exo boys, it seems that you also included some OCs? Kyunhyun and Kian are introduced so randomly and I have no idea who either of them all. You seem to have a habit of just throwing information at your readers and because there’s so much to take in and little to no explanation, it’s difficult for anything to properly settle in.

Overall, the characters’ emotions felt very superficial and it was hard to feel like any of them were genuine. Tao in Chapter Three came of as very overdramatic and I didn’t really understand why he couldn’t stay calm for a bit. Sure, he’s the youngest, but he’s still an adult. Despite knowing Sehun for years, most of the members are quick to turn on him and say that they won’t hesitate to kill him right after his initial attack. I understand that they’re upset about being attacked, but one instance shouldn’t be enough to turn everyone against one of their own? That’s not how emotions work.

Yixing noticing that Chen’s been problematic for a whole year and choosing not to say anything casts his character in more of a negative light than anything else. It makes him seem as though he’s not particularly concerned with the problem and is just choosing to pretend that it doesn’t exist. Him jumping to the conclusion about Chen taking over Sehun’s mind also seems like a huge stretch too, like, it goes from “Chen’s been moody” to “Chen’s got psycho” almost instantly.

Your descriptions of your characters—when we got them, that is—were usually oddly worded. In the very opening scene, for example, Kai manages to smile and glare at the same time (“lips upturned as his eyes narrowed”) and Suho manages a “livid whine”. I’ve never heard of either of these instances happening and they’re not very realistic.

Chanyeol suddenly developing some sort of accent in Chapter Ten (“But I’ll git ‘er done…”) was also unrealistic.

The best moment you had amongst your characterization-wise was when Suho was talking to Luhan and Kris and almost called them hyungs. That could’ve been a super emotional moment but we didn’t get any background information as to why the two left in the first place, so it’s difficult to really feel anything. It’s clear that their departure was kind of a big deal to the group, so it bothered me that there wasn’t really a discussion between any of the other members in regards to their appearance at the scene. I honestly feel like your characters are stuck between either overreacting or not reacting at all and you were never able to establish a good balance between the two for yourself.

Grammar: (9)/15

Some of your sentences come off as odd due to your phrasing or punctuation. In the case of the latter, it became so bothersome that my sixty-three percent of my notes for this section are complaints about your punctuation and I usually try not to be repetitive. I came across this guide yesterday and I think that reading through it could really help you out. Some of your punctuation errors simply didn’t make sense, but others I ended up viewing as part of your writing style.

In Chapter Ten, for example, this sentence doesn’t make sense at all: “Chanyeol and D.O. were not in a good way, especially the former.” This is the first sentence in a new section of the text, right after a line break, so even if you’re trying to refer to the final sentence of the last section, it’s wrong. Another example would be in Chapter Four: “In a house of nine, if you didn’t do something, someone else was liable to pick up where you last thought.” Even now, I have no idea what you were trying to say here.

I would also watch your convention errors. Numbers should always be spelled out instead of just using the digits, so it should be “eight hundred” instead of “800”.

Writing Style: (5)/15

As aforementioned, some of your mistakes in regards to punctuation I’m considering a part of your writing style, so you’ve also been deducted for it in this section of the review. Other than that, some of your dialogue felt unnatural as did some of your overall word choice. For example, who in the world uses “cranial end” when you could’ve just said that someone was supporting another guy’s torso? Saying “cranial end” seemed so awkward and out of place.

“I’m sorer than hell” also seems like strange phrasing. It should be “I’m sore as hell”. There are multiple instances like this when I could see what you were trying to say but it was simply written the wrong way. Another notable example would be Lay’s “Brace for it” in Chapter Ten. I think you meant to say “Brace yourself”.

I think this was a more of an unintentional mistake, but there are a couple of instances where your font size randomly changes. I noticed it mostly in the beginning of the story, such as this line from Chapter One: “I think he’s got a lot of of pent-up energy.” It’s an easy fix, but I would suggest that you look through your text before you post a chapter in order to ensure that all of your formatting is in order.

On the plus side, your chapter titles are pretty amusing, I guess. My only concern is that they seem kind of silly and this is an angst story.

Personal Enjoyment: (1)/5

I didn’t really enjoy reading this at all.

Total Score: 25/100

Reviewer’s Comments: The biggest problem within your story definitely has to do with the absence of a true exposition. I wasn’t properly introduced to your setting or your characters and because of that, I didn’t develop any interest for the plot at hand. I would highly recommend that you focus on developing your characters so that they feel more individualized and three-dimensional. Most of the plot felt over-the-top for me but I think that taking some time to properly establish your characters will help a lot with this.