(July 2015)

Title: Saving Seconds
Author: _pxtchi

Reviewer: eleutheromaniac

Title: (4.5)/5
At first, I truly loved this title. It has a nice ring to it, and based on the description, it seemed like it correlated perfectly with what your story was going to be out in a double meaning sort of sense. My appreciation dwindled a bit, since I feel like you've lost some of your initial purpose in writing the story. Now I don't really feel like I'm reading something about saving seconds, so much as I'm reading a typicla dystopian story. Don't lose sight of your focus.

Description/Foreword: (8.5)/10

There are a couple of grammatical errors in your description (but like, super tiny ones), so I would go back and fix those up. Your syntax could also be a bit better, but it’s not awful—it could just be my personal taste. However, it should be “Tradition can either define you or destroy you.” Your other errors are capitalization based, so a quick read-through should fix that up for you fairly easily.
 

In my opinion though, the quotation marks around the description and the added “-Krystal, Saving Seconds” is incredibly unnecessary. We already know who it is who’s speaking to us (because she introduces herself) and I don’t really see the point of the quotation marks at all.
 

Your character map is a huge turn-off for me; one of the trademarks of a good writer is being able to show their readers traits about their characters—not just listing them all and expecting them to be able to keep up. A lot of the information that’s spoon-fed to us isn’t typically retained anyway—you’re better off just introducing these traits and abilities gradually as your story goes on.
 

The sneak peak is an interesting thing to add into your foreword—I used to do the same thing when I wrote. However, when I was reading it on my phone, it felt super lengthy? It doesn’t look that long on a computer, but it’s something to keep in mind. In my opinion, shorter previews are best since you don’t want to give too much away and you want to make the reader excited to find out more. At first, I was thinking that the scene you chose to preview your story was the perfect one, but after reading a bit further, I think that you have a lot of better options that are shorter and would make the reader more interested. You’ve already introduced us to Krystal and the “Seconds” dilemma in your description, so in your preview, I think that you should focus on a different aspect of your story; this could either be a moment showcasing other characters or the dynamic of some of the relationships.
 

I will admit that I got a strong Hunger Games vibe from just your description/foreword alone, so as I continue to read, I’m really hoping that you add some original elements to the (now overused) dystopian genre.

Plot: (5)/30

Okay, where do I begin? When I first read the summary for your story, I felt like there was a lot of potential. Unfortunately, your execution of your ideas was poor and in the areas of pacing, believability, and originality, you ultimately fell short.
 

The opening of your story reminded me way too much of the opening of the Hunger Games and the different powers of the various sectors reminded me of the Divergent series, so I read this as a crossover of sorts between the two. It’s alright to draw inspiration from other sources, but the most important aspect to writing your own work is to maintain a sense of originality. There was nothing particularly special about your story that makes me remember it. In my opinion, the “powers” of the sectors have the most potential to bring you a unique spark, but you haven’t explained the concept very well at all—I don’t understand why these people have these powers, I don’t understand what they’re each supposed to represent (if they’re meant to even symbolize anything, that is), and I don’t even understand what each sector’s been gifted with. I honestly think that the most detail you have about the powers is given in the character map on your description and that actually makes me really angry. You’ve told us something but haven’t shown us anything. That’s one of the biggest crimes in writing.
 

The other problems in your story mostly come from your bad pacing and your weak writing style (but more on that later). Your exposition is especially important when you’re creating an alternate universe that none of your readers are familiar with, and frankly, the exposition of your story is nonexistent at best. It’s abrupt and poorly written and I feel like you grabbed me and threw me into these peoples’ lives without any explanation—if written properly getting thrown into a story can be a good thing, but that wasn’t the case here. Instead of leaving me confused and excited, I felt confused, annoyed, and like I wanted to stop reading.
 

For example, the whole concept of “The Gala” should’ve been explained early on in the story, because when Krystal’s selected for it, I don’t really understand. I’m not sure if I should feel like her family is being insensitive (like Krystal seems to insist) or if Krystal’s just being overdramatic about the whole thing (which is also highly plausible given the way you’ve written her character). You want the audience on your side, so please be careful about the way you plan and pace your story.
 

What’s probably my bigger issue is the whole “overthrowing The Gala” plot that Myungsoo and Krystal have going on before they’ve even formally met. I’m pretty sure that it’s one of the top examples of rushed plot that I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
 

With the quick pace of your story, you’re also leaving the reader with little room for intrigue. I honestly feel that as soon as you introduce a character, you jump into their backstory as soon as you possibly can (this is incredibly evident with Sehun and his sister). Not only does this make your characters feel flat and unrealistic, but it also leaves me feeling bored. You painted this story to be a survival fic, and such a genre is typically infused with mystery and intrigue. You don’t leave your readers space to feel actively interested in the plot.
 

I’m also left wondering if we’re going to get proper explanations for certain aspects of the story because if we don’t, then you’ve fallen prey to the talons of plot convenience. A few examples of this is why Myungsoo’s father acts the way he is (a bad guy needs a good reason for being bad), why Krystal and Myungsoo are the only ones who know who Amber is, and how Amber even managed to get the letter to Krystal.
 

Please be careful with your usage of flashbacks. They’re a more subtle version of telling rather than showing, but you still shouldn’t rely on them as much as you do. For example, the information that you gave us in Chapter One’s flashback could’ve been give to us in a different, much better way, such as being interspliced with the rest of the text.

Characterization: (2)/20

I’ll start off with some generalizations about your characterization before talking about some of the characters more specifically. There are a lot of emotions in your story (most of them negative), but all of them feel very surface-level—there’s no depth to them at all. This may be due to the poor pacing of your story, but having characters that seem three-dimensional and realistic are a must for a successful story. In your case, your characters feel flat right off the bat. A prime example of this is how you have the f(x) girls get really upset unbelievably fast when Krystal goes out to spend time with them. There’s no development like there would’ve been in a real argument: they just start throwing accusations and hateful statements at her. That’s not realistic at all. Another example is when Dahee and Myungsoo are talking when she’s first introduced and she just starts crying—it would’ve been more believable if you had mentioned at least the threat of tears or something similar.
 

We haven’t gotten much from Myungsoo other than the fact that he’s the good guy prince. Still, I found Sehun’s character to be a lot more interesting than his, simply because I think that you wrote his character in a better way than Myungsoo’s, haha. We have clearer personality traits and he feels much more dimensional than Myungsoo. I was disappointed when you chose to delve into his backstory so quickly because you definitely could’ve milked the readers’ curiosity for a bit longer—I really wish that you did, in all honesty. However, I’m excited to see how he’ll continue to develop.
 

The Jung family, however, doesn’t seem to have a proper understanding of how emotions work and that bothers me to no end. I don’t think that any family would realistically act the way the Jungs do to Krystal being selected for The Gala the way she is. Even if they’re happy, there should’ve been more subtlety in their reactions—like checking their youngest for a possible reaction or a shared smile before they’re jumping around ecstatically. There’s no progression anywhere—your characters just jump from feeling one thing to another. It bothered me that Jessica and her father started out being so happy to Krystal leaving and then when she finally does leave, they’re incredibly emotional—I suppose it makes sense, but it feels way too rushed. And then despite such an emotional farewell, Krystal’s already convinced that her family is over it just like that? Who honestly thinks that emotions work that way?
 

All in all, Krystal’s character strikes me as exceedingly overdramatic to the point that her character became annoying—which is definitely a bad thing since she’s your main. Her reaction to the door being knocked on in chapter one seems way over the top because of how sudden it is. You’ve talked a bit about her feelings a bit, but as I mentioned earlier, your discussion of them is very surface-level—I didn’t feel anything for her.
 

I’m also not sure why Krystal starts off being incredibly skeptical of The Gala right off the bat. No one else seems to be concerned by it—in fact, they all seem to think that being chosen is some sort of blessing—so where did she get the negative influence? If anything, I think that you mean for it to be her mother being taken away from her, but that doesn’t have to do with The Gala specifically—it has to do with the royal family. She can dislike the royal family but still think that The Gala is cool, so I don’t understand what exactly the impulse was for her to be so turned away from it. It would’ve made sense if Krystal became skeptical of it due to Amber’s letter, but just having her be untrusting from the start when no one else is seems like plot convenience.

Grammar: (13.5)/15

Your grammar, for the most part, is pretty solid. There are a couple of convention errors, but those are an easy fix. Make sure that you spell out your numbers instead of just using the digits (i.e, “thirteen” instead of “13”) and make sure that you watch your punctuation—sometimes you have extra commas and sometimes you’re missing them.

Writing Style: (1)/15

Before you can develop a proper writing style, you have to possess an understanding of the English language and its rules. It feels odd giving you such a high mark in the grammar section and such a low mark here because, frankly, knowing that you’re well-educated in terms of the language, I was expecting so much more from your writing stylistics. I’m honestly not sure where to start. I’ll go with some of the smaller things.
 

Your word choice and wording in general doesn’t always make sense. For example, in chapter one, you say that “[he’s] not the type to suddenly change decisions,” but that phrasing is odd and feels a bit unnatural. It feels more comfortable for you to say “[he’s] not the type to suddenly change his mind.” Another example is in chapter two when you say “...rolled my eyes and glare at me.” How does someone glare at themselves? Your diction also has a habit of being a bit repetitive. Be careful with the little things like that.
 

What really started to irk me was your constant decision to change pov. I’m not sure if there’s any rule against them, but I’ve always felt that they were in bad taste simply because I’ve never seen them done well—and also, I guess, because I can’t think of a good reason for why someone would need to change their entire writing perspective mid-story? You’ve gone from Krystal’s first-person to Myungsoo’s first-person to third-person omniscient to Jessica’s first-person and it doesn’t add anything to the story. In fact, it just opens up more of an opportunity for you to tell us more things rather than showing us again. Even when you change to a different character’s perspective, the narrating voice sounds exactly the same and it feels awfully bland. I think that you chose to switch between various characters in the first-person so that you could show the readers things that were happening that Krystal wasn’t present to witness. But why? Doing that only takes out more of the possible suspense that your story could have and may be one of the reasons why I felt so bored throughout the whole thing.
 

Still not sure why you switched to third-person at one point, in all honesty. I can’t see any motive or possible gain from that, so…
 

Telling us things instead of showing them to us is what really does it for me. I honestly grimaced when I got to chapter seven and saw that you were going to link us to pictures because “im a lazy ”. No. Just no. That’s an awful excuse and if you’re going to be lazy, then I don’t understand why  you want to write. Writing takes time, work, and effort. For someone to just say that they’re lazy and then write anyway, it makes you seem as though you’re taking the craft for granted and that actually angers me quite a bit. It’s one thing to find pictures that gave you inspiration link them at the end of your chapter as a sort of “bonus” for your readers, but you can’t just link them to images instead of describing what’s actually going on—you’re robbing your readers of the experience of your story. I don’t think that I should be as offended as I am seeing as this isn’t something I would’ve continued to read after chapter one, but imagine for a second what you’re taking away from the people that are enjoying your work so far: instead of giving them the opportunity to close their eyes and imagine the beauty of your scene for themselves, they just click on something and have it shown to them. Where’s the fun in that? What’s the point in writing if you’re just going to do that?
 

But I digress.
 

Everyone gets lazy sometimes, but it’s not an acceptable excuse. If you’re really not up to it, then just don’t write it. Imagine what you could’ve done if you had taken the time to describe anything—literally anything because this is just the of it all; the imagery in your story is completely nonexistent.
 

You have a few other weird stylistic choices that I think you should re-evaluate: stating character’s ages is another form of telling instead of showing; stating the name of the new location whenever they move as a transition instead of actually describing the new scenery is another form of telling instead of showing; bolding actions (like “*knock knock*” in chapter one) is another form of telling instead of showing; Amber’s letter is full of her saying “*laughs*” and I feel like that should give me some sort of more vivid personality for her, but I didn’t feel like any of this “*laughs*” were genuine for her character and it feels forced.

Personal Enjoyment: (1)/5

Your story has a lot of potential: the execution of it all is just poor. One of the most important rules of writing is that you show your readers the wonders of the world that you’ve created rather than just telling them about it—immerse them in your plot. It’s a writing basic, and it’s something that you never take the time to do within your story. We’re never really left guessing about anything because you explain it right away, so there’s no drama whatsoever. I thought that things were going to get interesting when you introduced Sehun and his twin, but in the end, you explained their entire history right off the bat so I lost interest. However, what you have going on between Sehun and Krystal is an interesting dynamic right now and I really hope that you don’t ruin it. I personally think that your development of Sehun could be the redeeming factor of your story because everything else seems like jaded potential.
 

I also want to point out that when I first started your story, the title’s purpose seemed very obvious to me; now, it feels as though you’ve lost some of the focus that your description/foreword promised. Be careful with that.

Total Score: 35.5/100
 

Reviewer’s Comments: You have a pretty solid foundation in your grammar, so I would use it to develop your writing style further, and once you have that down, I have a feeling that the rest will come a lot more naturally. I think that I kind of lost my patience in the “Writing Style” section of the review, so I really do apologize for that. I just really want to emphasize to you that taking the easy way out will get you nowhere. Use your words to paint a picture and fully immerse us in the universe that you’ve created; make your readers want to continue to experience this alternate reality instead of just throwing it at them without much of an explanation. You have a lot of room for improvement, but I know that you have it in you to become a better storyteller.