CHAPTER 8

Dojoon went inside their dorm.  Kikwang looked towards him from the TV.

“Oh, you’re here.” Kikwang said w/o any feelings.

“You’re by yourself?” Dojoon asked.

“Yeah. By the way, I wanted to ask you something personally.”

“About what?” Dojoon asked while taking off his jacket.

“Hyosung.” Kikwang said simply, looking at Dojoon eye to eye.

“So what about her?” Dojoon asked calmly.

“Somebody told me you were w/ her last night.” Kikwang said in an accusing manner.

Dojoon frowned, not really liking Kikwangs tone. “Yes I was, so what’s it with you?”

Kikwang approached him and grabbed Dojoons right shoulder tightly, his stance looked like he was ready to hit Dojoon at any moment. “Where did you go and what did you do?”

“Tch.” Dojoon sneered. He shoved Kikwang’s hand off his shoulder. “Yah, what do you care? Weren’t you the reason she was in that state in the first place?

Kikwang backed off, the guilt he felt creeping up once again, his anger wearing off, he sat back down and buried his head in his hands, “I..I’m sorry, I…I was just curious.” He stuttered.

Dojoon sighed and sat down beside him. “What’s wrong with you Kikwang? I thought you no longer had anything for Hyosung?”

Kikwang looked towards Dojoon, composing his facial expression, “I don’t.”

“Then what the is this?....and last night? What the hell was that?”

“I don’t know!” Kikwang barked.

Dojoon stood up. “Who are you kidding, Kikwang? Just say it!”

“I said I don’t know.” Kikwang said, gritting his teeth, he was feeling frustrated.

“You don’t know?” Dojoon was starting to feel frustrated too. They were both silent, not looking at each other. After a while Dojoon broke the silence, “Kikwang-ah.” He sounded sorrowful.

Kikwang looked towards him, alert at the change in Dojoon’s tone.

Dojoon looked at Kikwang straight in the eyes, “I’m starting to like her….more.”

Kikwang could not control the range of emotions shown in his face, he felt anger, jealousy but most of all betrayal. They were both unmoving, looking at each other. Kikwang looked like he was about to attack Dojoon, he wanted to. Dojoon was getting ready to get hit, expecting it. The silence seemed to stretch, a minute, two minutes. Suddenly, Kikwang nodded his head once, weakly. He walked away, heading to the balcony.

Dojoon was fazed, he hadn’t expected that, he had seen Kikwangs hands ball up into a fist. He looked towards the balcony, thinking if he should follow Kikwang. He took a step forward but decided against it, thinking that things should be left the way they are for now. He went towards his room to get ready for a shower.

Kikwang finally released his grip, feeling the blood suddenly flow back in his hands, it took him a lot to control himself from hitting Dojoon, he had remembered what he did to Hyosung last night. I deserve this he chanted to himself again. He stood there for a while, staring at Seoul’s starless sky, thinking once again of what he had lost and of what he may never get back.

Dojoon was done w/ his shower, he did not care where Kikwang was at the moment, he put on some clothes got on his bed and started fiddling w/ his phone. After a while he heard some rustling in the other room and the front door being closed, he listened for a while to hear if the other members had come home, there was no noise, Kikwang must have gone out again, he concluded. He looked back at his phone, tempted to call or text Hyosung, I might look obsessive. He put his phone down, thinking about the afternoon he spent with Hyosung and the other members, his thoughts trailed off.

“Yah, wait for us, hyung!” he said loudly. He and the other trainees had gone to a café after their basketball game. After being seated, they were bantering w/ each other, there were 11 of them trainees. Dojoon got up from his seat and headed for the counter. He was looking at the menu deciding on what he would get.

“Good Afternoon Sir, may I take your order?” a cheerful voice greeted him at the cash register.

“Hey, could I get an..” he trailed off looking from the menu towards the girl in front of him, he smiled, ”…iced tea…” There stood the cutest girl w/ a gummy smile smiling back at him. He looked towards her name plate “..please, Hyosung-ssi.” he was grinning widely.

“What size would you like that in?” she asked, still smiling.

He was mesmerized, he leaned on the counter in front of him, “Actually scrap that, what do you think I should get, Hyosung-ssi?” he asked smiling, flirting.

Hyosung was slightly taken aback by his question, “Oh, ummm, I’d recommend the Café Americano sir, that’s a best seller” she suggested, still smiling.

“Is that something YOU would get?” he asked her flirtatiously, putting emphasis on the word “YOU”.

He saw that she was flustered, “I..I’m sorry?” she stammered, giggling nervously.

“Yah, what’s taking so long?” One of the trainees lined up behind him called out. He looked back, gesturing his friend to shut up, his friend peered through his shoulder, saw Hyosung, chuckled, then left.

Dojoon looked back at Hyosung, he cleared his throat, “I mean, what’s your favorite in the menu, Hyosung-ssi?”

Hyosung laughed, “The Vanilla Macchiato sir, the large one, would you like one of those.” She answered.

Dojoon suddenly lost his confidence seeing that she was no longer affected by his flirting. He straightened up, “I…err..yes, one please.” His ears turned a bright shade of red.

“That would be 2,000 won sir.” said an amused Hyosung.

He fumbled through his wallet, paid for it, took the receipt and smiled at her sheepishly. Once back at their table, the other guys made fun of him, the trainee behind him earlier had told them that he was flirting w/ the girl at the cash register. “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……” the boys said loudly, pointing at him, he was shushing them and looked back towards the cash register, Hyosung was laughing, his ears turned red again.

That was the first time he had seen Hyosung, he had gone back to that coffee more than once only to never see her again. Imagine his surprise when they had debuted, Secret had debuted a month after them and there she was but things were different this time around, he was no longer a nobody, he was an idol and the leader of his group, the responsibilities that came w/ that didn’t allow him to make a move on her or anybody else for that matter. Although it was possible for idols to be in relationships, he did not want to risk it, a scandal could destroy everything, what he worked hard for or what s worked hard for could go down the drain w/ one wrong move and above all he was the leader, it was a burden to him. He did allow s to be a in a relationship though, but not him, because he was the leader, he always reminded them to be very careful thinking that he would always be able to cover up for them if something leaks in the media. He actually never stopped liking Hyosung though but he never did anything to get closer to her, he knew where his priorities were, he just simply admired her from afar, just always observing her when he had the chance to while maintaining his distance, he knew what would happen if he got to know her, he wouldn’t be able to help himself. The shock he had felt when Kikwang had said he broke up w/ her was immense but he had managed to keep it under wraps, always the responsible leader. But now, he was getting past the point of being the responsible leader, he had been nothing but that since their debut and now, he wanted something else or someone to be part of his life, just this once he had decided to give it a shot. Was he rebelling? No, he was inspired by Kikwang’s tenacity to just go for what he wanted. Actually, he envied Kikwang and the others for being able to do anything they wanted because they all knew he was there to pick up their if they made a mistake. Now, he wanted it to be his own mistake he would clean up, he was tired thinking of the others, he felt that it was time he thought of himself first.

 Every time he had happened to be in the same venue as Hyosung, not once did he not think of “what ifs”, “What if we weren’t idols?”, “What if I made a move?”, “What if I wasn’t the leader?”, unending questions that started w/ that. It was ironic that she had been in a relationship w/ one of s, a close friend at that but that was not going to stop him this time, he wanted to give it a shot then at least he could tell himself that he tried and there would be answers to his questions, questions that had been plaguing him for almost 2 years. He smiled determinedly before drifting off to sleep.

Kikwang arrived at CLUB iRaTe, it was 9 p.m, he still felt like from the previous night.

“Kikwang-ssi, I don’t want any more trouble here tonight, you hear?” the manager had warned him upon arriving. He had just nodded and went to the V.I.P room they frequent. He had texted the others that he was there. He went through his phone, Hyosung’s dorm phone number no longer there but he had it ingrained in his head. How pathetic he snorted. He ordered a bottle of whiskey, he was browsing the net and stumbled upon a picture, it was a fan taken one, w/ Dojoon and the SECRET girls minus Sunhwa, the caption read “Saw Dojoon oppa w/ SECRET, nothing fishy.”, Dojoon was seated right beside Hyosung, they were looking at each other, smiling, Ji-eun and Hana seated in front of them looking at the both of them w/ a grin. He was fuming, Dojoon was wearing the same clothes he had on earlier, They were together earlier, he thought, devastated. He threw his phone on the table and grabbed the glass he had poured whiskey on and threw it on the wall in front of him. He leaned his arms on his knee, grabbing his hair. Many things were playing on his head, bottom line is he didn’t know what to do. He felt betrayed by the both of them, the painful thing was, he didn’t have the right to feel that way.

Somebody entered the room, “Hey.” It was Junhyung. He looked towards the broken glass on the floor. He sighed and proceeded to pick up the glass shards. “Yah, what is it this time?!” he asked Kikwang, annoyed. “If you’re going to keep this up Kikwang, we will get banned from the club.” Kikwang didn’t answer him. He sat beside Kikwang, looking at him, he nudged Kikwang’s knee, “Yah!”. Kikwang nodded towards his phone on the table, Junhyung picked it up, he saw the picture, “Tch, they met by chance, Dojoon texted me about it earlier.” He told Kikwang.

Kikwang leaned his back on the couch. “Ahhh, shibal!” he cursed. Junhyung was frowning at him. Kikwang was looking towards the ceiling, “That guy told me a while ago that he liked Hyosung.” he stated monotonously.

Junhyung was at a loss for words, What the hell are you doing Dojoon-ah, he thought to himself. He reached for the bottle of whiskey and poured some in new glasses, handing the other to Kikwang, “Forget about it, just drink.” He told Kikwang, it was the only thing he could think of to say.

Kikwang gulped the whiskey, ignoring the burn in his throat, he poured again, “I deserve this.” He said to no one in particular.

Two hours after; Yoseob, Hyunseung, Joon, Hyuna and Min were there w/ them in the room. They were dancing and talking while Kikwang stayed seated quietly the whole time, they didn’t pay him any heed since Junhyung told them earlier that he was nursing a hangover w/c was why he was the way he was. He was getting wasted, again.

Min sat down beside Kikwang, breathing heavily from the dancing, “Yah, haven’t you had enough?” she told Kikwang. Kikwang looked towards her, his eyes half opened, he went closer to Min’s face, Min stiffened, he put his hand on her cheek, getting closer to kiss her, “Hyo” he said softly then passed out on Min’s chest, Min was surprised, pushing him gently away from her to let him lean on the couch. She looked towards Junhyung who was watching them from the get-go, “Hyo?” she asked him. Junhyung just looked at her and shrugged his shoulders, pretending he didn’t know. Min laughed it off, got up and continued to dance, not thinking into it anymore.

Junhyung looked at Kikwang, sighing, feeling sorry for his friend.

The SECRET girls were sprawled out on the floor of TS Entertainment’s practice room, exhausted from the dance practice, Ji-Eun sat up, “Unnie, Dojoon huh?” she asked Hyosung teasingly.

“Don’t start, he’s just being a sweet friend.” Hyosung laughed.

“Oooh..SWEET FRIEND.” Hana said putting emphasize on the last two words.

Sunhwa was just observing having been told earlier about their run-in w/ Dojoon, she looked towards her Hyosung unnie, she had a smile on her lips. She felt satisfied. “I think he likes you unnie.” Sunhwa said.

Hyosung looked at her, not really that surprised, if she was honest to herself, she actually felt it, that Dojoon had something for her but to what extent she didn’t know. She looked towards the ceiling, still breathing heavily, her thoughts wandering off.

“I like you Hyosung-ssi.” Kikwang confessed while holding her hands. She had been walking in the broadcast buildings hallway by herself earlier, there was no one else there aside from her and Kikwang, he was sitting on one of the couches in the hallway, she had stopped to greet him politely but he grabbed her hands and told her he liked her.

Hyosung’s mouth was agape, “Excuuuse me?” she asked laughing nervously, baffled. She was trying to release her hands from his hold but he was holding on to hers tightly and wouldn’t let go.

“I said I like you. Will you date me?” Kikwang said matter-of-factly.

“Are you serious?” she asked, unbelieving.

“I am.” He said simply.

“You’re crazy.” she finally got her hands out  from his hold and left him there, annoyed at the chuckle from Kikwang that filled the empty hallway.

“I am being honest though!” Kikwang called out one last time.

She frowned, irritated at that sudden memory. She got up, “Come on girls, one more time!”

Dojoon and Kikwang had been avoiding each other for the days that passed. The other guys were curious but not asking, feeling the tense atmosphere that surrounded them, it felt like they were walking on eggshells when in one room w/ the both of them, they talked about it in hushed tones, they did have an idea that it was about Hyosung but nobody really knew why except for Junhyung who didn’t volunteer any information.

Dojoon didn’t care, Hyosung and he had been constantly texting each other, teasing each other and some flirting, he felt happy.

Kikwang on the other hand always had a scowl on his face and was usually quiet. The other guys kept asking him if he was okay but were met w/ glares and a murmured “Don’t bother me.”. He didn’t drink again after that night, he was thinking about so many things but he had made a decision, not really liking it but he promised himself he would try.

A day before Inkigayo, Junhyung and Dojoon were called at their company for some demo recording. When they were alone in the recording studio, Junhyung took the chance to talk to Dojoon. They were both seated on the studio couch.

“Dojoon-ah, what’s this I heard about you liking Hyosung?”

Dojoon raised his eyebrow at Junhyung’s question. He sighed. “What else did Kikwang tell you?”

“He got drunk again days ago, he told me that you told him you like Hyosung and he saw a fantaken picture of you and SECRET at a café.” Junhyung said, he paused for a moment, “I don’t like what’s happening between the two of you and the effect it’s having in our group man.” Junhyung was shaking his head.

Dojoon was frowning, he let out a long sigh, “I know, this is ed up.” He was looking up the ceiling w/ his arms behind his head. He sighed again, “ I like her Junhyung-ah, hell I was interested in her waaaay before we debuted, I just didn’t do anything about it since I was thinking of the group.”

Junhyung looked at him w/ confusion, “Wa..wait, what do you mean even before we debuted?”

Dojoon told him about the first time he had seen Hyosung and how long he had something for her.

Junhyung was astounded, the kept quiet. After what seemed like 10 minutes, he spoke up, “This is so complicated.”

“I know right?” Dojoon said weakly. “I know I’m being selfish man, and I know she is a friends ex but I just want to give it a try. I’m tired of thinking of only the group, you know that’s what I’ve been doing since our debut, how about giving me just this once, just this once man.” He said, frustrated.

Junhyung was torn, he did feel sorry for Kikwang but he knew what Dojoon as the leader had sacrificed, he always shielded the members from any issue, taking the blame even if it was one of the members fault, even when it was his turn to visit his parents, he would give up those days for the members, to Dojoon it was always about BEAST. “I have to tell you something Dojoon-ah..” he started.

Dojoon looked towards Junhyung, a frown on both their faces.

“The issue isn’t just about Hyosung being Kikwangs ex…he still has feelings for her….” Junhyung trailed off.

Dojoons frown got deeper, not really surprised, he had an idea that that was the real reason w/ the way Kikwang was behaving but being told about it bothered him.

Junhyung put his hand on Dojoons back, “Man, you have to talk about this w/ Kikwang.”

Dojoon nodded.

It was the day of Inkigayo, Dojoon and Kikwangs waiting room was quiet, they still weren’t talking to each other, they were both on their phones. Dojoons phone kept receiving messages, Kikwangs was quiet. Kikwangs scowl grew deeper every time Dojoon received a message, he was annoyed at Dojoon smiling at his phone, this has been going on recently, whenever Dojoon received a message he had this smile and laughed every time he read his messages. What’s he being so happy about he thought to himself annoyingly, At least Hyosung doesn’t have a phone he smirked.

Doojon’s phone rang. “Hey..” he answered the phone w/ a gentle tone, he stood up to get out of the waiting room. “..Oh, you guys are here? Want some coffee?” he laughed at what the person in the other line was saying. “..Sure, sure, I’ll call you in a while.” He said before ending the call and setting off.

Kikwang was eavesdropping, he had heard Dojoon’s part of the conversation, Coffee? That fool doesn’t even like coffee.. he suddenly remembered something, Hyosung loves coffee. He picked up his phone and dialed MBLAQ’s Joon’s number, “Hyung, uhm, do you happen to have Hyosung from SECRET’s number?..Yes ? thanks.” He ended the call, after a while his phone beeped, Joon had sent him Hyosung’s number, he stared at it for a long time. He was angry again, he stood up to go look for Dojoon and confront him, when he was out the door, he came to a halt, What for? He asked himself Didn’t I already decide that I would leave them alone?. He slowly went back in the waiting room, sitting down on the couch, feeling defeated. It was a decision he had made these past days, he had hurt her enough, he should give her the chance to be happy again w/ somebody else, even if it was w/ Dojoon. It was something he still had to come in terms w/,but he was firm w/ his decision even if it hurt him so damn much.

Dojoon handed Hyosung the coffee/ a smile on each ones face, they were inside SECRET’s waiting room.

“Thanks,” Hyosung said.

“Hey, where’s ours!” Sunhwa whined.

“Yeah” Hana agreed.

Ji-eun was just laughing.

Hyosung raised her eyebrows at Dojoon. He looked sorry, “I,uhh…”

“We’re kidding!” Sunhwa said, all of them laughed and went on w/ the things they were doing.

Dojoon laughed nervously, aware of the looks he was getting from SECRET’s curious staff, Well at least their smiling he thought, he sat down beside Hyosung on the couch, “How’ve you been?” he asked.

“We’ll have the stage recording in an hour.” Hyosung answered.

They continued to talk, it felt so natural for the both of them, as if they’ve been close friends for a long time. When SECRET was called out for the recording, Dojoon followed, watching them.

Kikwang was watching  SECRET’s stage recording, he was watching from a place where only a few broadcast staff could see him. He knew Dojoon was there to but Dojoon didn’t see him. He watched Hyosung w/ sadness. She was talking to the fans before they would start the recording. He saw Hyosung give a big smile towards where Dojoon was sitting before they started. He felt his heart break more. I’ve lost you he thought, finally realizing that she was out of his grasp. He walked away.

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I always feel sorry for my lack of updates. 

I'm sorry.

This past month was the most hectic for me. Moved back w/ my mom who had no internet connection so I'm using this broadband stick w/c isn't reliable, the holidays were full of parties ince the whole family came home so I was usually out and work.

Would you mind though if I start re-using some old picture edits that I've used in previous chapters? Being that I already don't have enought time to update, making new pictures takes me a really lot of time.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

A belated MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

( ˘ ³˘)❤