I coughed violently as my line of vision was obscured by dust and debris flying around. I continued to crawl forward, looking up every once in a while to make sure there aren’t any enemy planes hovering above ready to bomb us down. I quickly maneuvered myself into the trench just as the other side started firing again, hearing the bullets whiz over my head as I realized just how narrow my escape was.      

“Lee! Get ready to flank ‘em!” My squad leader screamed into my ear as he tried to get himself heard over the din of war. I screamed back an affirmative, then broke away from him to run to the end of the other side of the trench where there was a forest from where I could stay hidden while sneaking to the enemy lines.  It was a long way through, but it was better than going through No Man’s Land. And this way, I could kill all the enemies while they’re distracted with my comrades who are currently engaging them from the front.

I traversed the forest carefully, slinging my AK-47 onto my back and instead opting for my silenced pistol. It would attract less attention in case I run into an enemy and need to bring them down. I carefully avoided stepping on branches and dry leaves in order to lessen the noise; I wouldn’t want to announce where I am, after all. With my back hunched over yet alert, my legs moving along nimbly, and my gun trained in my hand poised to shoot at any time, my breath came out in short, quiet gasps as I could hear my pulse pumping in my ears. The rush of adrenaline was shooting through my veins, as I recited a mantra to keep myself calm. You will not screw this up, Lee Sunho. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.

Crunch. Definitely the sound of a branch being stepped on. I whipped my head towards the direction from where I heard the sound, quickly kneeling down to hide behind a bush as I surveyed the surroundings, waiting for the enemy to show himself. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. There was definitely someone walking towards this direction. How stupid of him to not know that he should be as silent as a deer when traversing enemy lines. Do they really not train their soldiers that well over there?

Stealth is my specialty. I noiselessly shift my position and kept my stance down as I waited for an opportunity to catch him from behind. It would attract even less attention that way as compared to shooting him with a silenced gun. He finally came into full view. His hat obscured his face, but I could tell that he is quite tall and built, and could easily overpower someone like me if need be. No matter; he can’t fight an enemy he won’t even be able to see. I positioned myself so I could lunge at him easily, and the minute he passed by with his back me, I leap forward, clamped my hand over his mouth so he wouldn’t make any noise, and was about to slit his throat when in his struggle trying to get out of my grasp his hat fell off and revealed his face.

I gasp audibly in shock as my hands fell limp to my sides, the blade clattering to the forest floor, releasing the other which caused him to fall on his knees and clutch at the ground. He recovered his senses enough as he gagged and looked up at me. His eyes widened like saucers as soon as he realized just exactly who I am, as he slowly stood up to face me.

“Sunho…” He whispered, my name ghosting through his lips, lips that I know very well.

“Ch-Choongjae…” I whisper back, my eyes surveying him from head to toe. He’s definitely wearing the enemy’s uniform.

Park Choongjae. The one man I loved, still love (as I realized when I saw him), through all these years.

But in a split second, Park Choongjae suddenly became someone I have to kill.

“How… How did this come to pass?” I asked no one in particular as I sunk to my knees, already feeling the effects of adrenaline wear out, coupled with the overwhelming feeling of confusion and internal strife, torn between serving my country and letting the one I love, despite him being an enemy, live. I didn’t even realize that the tears started falling uncontrollably, when Choongjae knelt down in front of me and wiped them away.

“Sunho…” Choongjae whispered brokenly as he pulled me closer to him, his warmth still giving me comfort despite the situation. He always could make me feel better even with just a simple hug. I hate how it still worked. But I couldn’t feel better now; not in this situation. I resisted him, beating his chest continually as I sobbed.

“Why? Why, Choongjae?” He endured all my hits, keeping his arms wrapped around me protectively. But I’m confused. Stricken. Vulnerable. “I thought I’d forgotten you. I thought I’d shoved you to the back of my head, a memory never to be opened up again. I was doing so well without you. Why did you have to join the other side?! Why did you have to walk through this forest and show yourself to me and make me confused with what I have to do? Why, why, WHY!?”

He didn’t answer any of my questions. Even if he wanted to, I realized that he wouldn’t have any answers for them anyway. But the next words that came out from his mouth in a tone full of resolve horrified me like no other thing in this cruel war.

“I’ve done our country a great wrong, Sunho. I’ve known this from the start, but it was a situation I couldn’t get myself out of. I figured that if I were to die, I would want it to be by your hands. And now, as fate would have it, I got my wish.”

I pulled away from him violently, then slapped him across the face. He was crazy. Mind-numbingly, utterly crazy. Did he really think I could ever grant that wish? No matter how hard I tried to push him out of my mind, no matter how hard I tried to hate him, no matter how many people have already died by my hands, did he really think I could kill him? The one my mind tried hard to forget, but my heart couldn’t? “What the hell are you saying, Park Choongjae? Are you playing with me? Are you some kind of sadist!?”

He turned his head back towards me, then smiled such a sad smile that I swear would haunt me for the rest of my life if I ever live through this chaos. “Call me whatever you want. But I know that I’ll only find peace and be able to atone for my sins if you kill me.”

Choongjae stood up, pulling me up with him. I watched, stupefied, as he bent down to pick up the knife I dropped earlier, and then grabbed my hands and placed the knife in it. I tried to pull away, but his grasp was far too tight, tight enough to leave a sizable bruise on my wrist. He aimed the knife towards where his liver is, and no matter how hard I tried to pull my hand away, he continued to grasp it, pulling my hand in nearer and nearer. I could see the blood start to seep through the thin fabric of his shirt as the knife slowly went in deeper, lining the light brown material with red.

“Choongjae. Please. Don’t make me do this.”  I sobbed as I shook my head over and over again. But he was adamant.

“This is the only way, Sunho. I can’t have you court-martialed should anyone find out about our meeting. The only way I can repay for betraying you, and our country, is to die.” He winced a little, but other than that, he showed no other signs of pain. I hate how peaceful and serene and calm his face looks right now, as if he’s waited all his life for this moment. I hate how he’s using me as a tool for his death, his sweet release, his escape.

“Didn’t you… Didn’t you stop for one moment, in this whole goddamn fiasco, to think how this is going to hurt me?” I heard myself saying, my voice full of raw emotion as I felt my tears gather at the side of my eyes. Choongjae looked surprised as he gasped a little and stared at me with wide eyes, his hand that was pulling the knife stopping for a while. “You’re selfish. You’re so selfish, Park Choongjae.”

“Sunho…” The way he whispered my name as if it was such a sacred word sent chills down my spine. Yes, even through all the years I spent tucking his memories away into the deepest recesses of my mind, my heart never forgot. I loved him then; I still love him now. And I can’t let him go. Pathetic, that I am.

But I continued, even though my voice was shaking. I know I’ve gone too far; I know that the minute I spill everything, I’m going to lose the resolve to kill him. I know that the moment I acknowledge my love for him, I won’t be able to lose him. Not here. Not now. Not ever. “Didn’t you stop to think that I still love you, Park Choongjae? Did you really believe that my love for you was that shallow? ‘I was doing well without you’… Yeah, right. I never did well without you. You took away a part of me when you ran to be with the enemy… but I don’t care. You’re here now. I loved you. I still love you. I can’t kill you. I won’t kill you.”

I don’t care anymore. War be damned. I choose him. I choose him over my country. Is that blasphemous of me to say? Then let me be court-martialed. Let me be executed. I’ll pay for the sin of betraying my country, but I won’t pay for loving him, because in that respect I have done nothing wrong, except allow my heart to beat for him.

Then in a voice full of thick resolve, I look up at him with pleading eyes, desperation coursing through every part of my body. “Let’s run away, Choongjae. Away from here.”

I could feel his grip on my wrist loosening, as the offending weapon finally fell softly from my grasp and onto the forest ground, staying there. I could see the blob of blood starting to pool around the wound. I sat Choongjae down (miraculously, he followed my every move obediently without a word), and ed his shirt to survey the wound. Luckily it had not penetrated too deeply, and could be dressed with some simple antiseptic and bandage. Comforting silence enveloped us as I treated him, as if we weren’t in the middle of a battlefield and was just sitting in a peaceful forest. That one moment between us served to make me forget that we were supposed to be shooting each other senseless right now as enemies. But he could never be my enemy; he is my country’s, but not mine.

As soon as I finished, Choongjae grabbed my hand, which caused me to look up. There was an expression in his eyes that I couldn’t quite read (but was familiar to me), but before I could ponder on it, he pulled me to himself and closed the distance between us.

I slowly closed my eyes as I allowed myself to get lost into and savor the intimate contact that I had missed for so long. He nibbled on my lower lip, asking for entrance, and I complied with opening my mouth slightly. His tongue slipped in naturally, gracefully, exploring every nook and cranny of my mouth. Everything felt so right at that moment. Never mind that we hadn’t kissed in a long time; the body never forgets. I could feel my whole body firing up in passion as his hand hitched up my uniform and ran down my .

But he abruptly stopped as he suddenly pulled away, his hot breath coming out in short gasps. “I… can’t, Sunho.”

Suddenly, everything felt like deja vu.

But of course. This exact same thing happened, all those years ago.

The war had started. He had always been with the other side. He was born here, but he was raised by them, the enemy. He had always been expected to join their side if war should break out, and join their side he did.

Our relationship had always been forbidden, since we were from different classes and, technically, different sides. But he never cared about such formalities; he befriended me, loved me, without a care for our social standing. I had always thought, since he had already broken so many rules, what’s breaking one more?

“Run away with me.” I said that night as he held me in his arms, the cold rain pouring down our backs as we relied on the dark and the noise of the relentless drops hitting the earth to conceal us.

“I can’t, Sunho.” Was his same exact reply, as he claimed my lips before I could protest. I pushed him away that night, the rain obscuring my tears, as I realized that his loyalties lie before his love for me. I blamed him, scorned him, hated him; but he took it all without a word as he looked at me with sad, conflicted eyes; the same eyes that he looked at me with a few moments ago, as I just realized. He reached for me, but I pulled away and ran and ran and ran, away from that place, away from him, and I never saw him again as I tried to put him out of my mind.

Until now, when he so cruelly barged into my life again, and is planning to so cruelly walk back out. But I’m not going to allow that. Not this time.

“You can, and you will.” I whispered, my voice laced thick with determination. “If you love me… you will.”

I hear him gasp, clearly conflicted over this just as I was a few moments before. But I chose him over my country. I chose my heart over my duty. He should do the same.

“Sunho... I just… I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t know how to make you understand… but I can’t. We can't. Don't you get it? Even if we run away now... there's no way out. There's nowhere to run to.”

I grew panicked. Desperate. “But there is no way we can get out of this situation both alive unless we run away. Don’t you see that? It’s either you or me, and I refuse to choose. Can’t you choose me for once, so that we may both live? Or do you not love me as much as I love you? I don't care where we go. I don't care if we have to live somewhere else for the rest of our lives and leave Korea forever. Just please... run away with me.”

“I love you. I do.” He gasped out, his fists clenching the ground tightly as tears fell from his eyes. “But we can’t run away, Sunho. Not now, not ever.”

It became quite clear to me that his fear of uncertainty prevented him from being truly together with me. I thought it would be easy for him to make the same choice as I did… but then again, if he did it before, why wouldn’t he do it now? I’m stupid to even think that he’d finally relent this time.

I have no choice.

“Then…” My whole body felt as heavy as lead as I forced myself on my feet shakily, grasping onto a nearby tree for balance. I stared down at him, forcing all my feelings shut once more in the deepest recesses of my mind to deal with later. If there is a later. I pulled out my gun and removed the silencer, pointing it square at his forehead. “Let's just end it like this.”

Choongjae stared up at the barrel of the gun in surprise, still kneeling on the ground, but his expression soon changed to that of a small smile, as he pushed his forehead towards it as if welcoming it. Maybe this man really is a sadist.

I ignored the sharp pain tugging at my heart as I slowly squeezed the trigger to stall. Maybe he’d duck. Maybe he’d jump back and avoid it. Maybe he’d yell at me to stop and tell me he chooses me.

But he doesn’t move. He doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t even blink. All he does is stare up at me with that small smile.

And right before I pull the trigger, he mouths, “I love you, Lee Sunho.”

Bang.

His lifeless body flopped limply to the ground as the deed was done. I closed my eyes, letting the tears fall, as I sat beside him and tossed my weapons away.

Sure enough, the sound of my gunshot that reverberated clear through the forest alerted his comrades. They burst through the bushes like wild tigers waiting for their prey, as they sprayed an array of bullets on me, either to avenge their fallen comrade or because they were acting on orders, I don’t know. I don’t care to know. All I know is that I would just like to thank them for being instruments in my timely death. The last thing I see as I fall beside him is his smiling face, and as the pounding of his comrades' footsteps reverberated through the earth and slowly died away, I shakily reached for his hand and intertwined mine with his. Maybe, in death, we can finally be together at long last. Maybe, in death, he will finally choose me.

I love you too, Park Choongjae.

_____

A/N: Bulk Update Masterlist

I'm actually quite proud of this oneshot. :D