I really can't stand hospitals.

I slowly open my eyes, squinting at the bright sunlight shining mercilessly through my windows, which are scantily covered with thin, white sheets.

Everything is so white. Clean. Pristine.

It feels like a prison.

It feels like all the white walls are closing in on me, slowly but surely swallowing me whole.

I can't sit up. I can't even call out. I'm well aware of everyone, everything around me, but it feels as though I can't do anything.

The same pristine white ceiling, while it seems so far away, so out of reach, it feels like it will come crashing down on me any minute now.

I feel restrained. Chained.

Someone get me out.

The doctors said I am a hopeless case. Even if I pull through this surgery, it's highly likely I would live any longer than a few months. If I'm lucky, I could probably make it to six months.

I made the right choice back then.

I don't love you anymore. Actually, I'm into girls. I have a girlfriend now. Don't you get it? I was with you because I was curious. That's all it was.

Saying such words when I didn't really mean it broke my heart into pieces, because God knows how much I really love you.

I don't know how I managed to pull through with my grand scheme, how I managed to push you away when all my heart desired was you. But I would rather shoulder all this pain, physical and emotional, alone than have you go through with it. I knew the one thing I could not give you was the pain of knowing that we had just met and fallen in love, yet I am already leaving you just as quickly. But if you hate me… then that process would be much easier for you, because I know that you can view me as just a nightmare you once had, and once you wake up from it, you will be happy again and find someone new. You will be able to move on.

I could still hear clearly each step I took as I turned away from you. The sound of my footsteps as I left you behind, forever, continue to haunt me.

You don't know how much it pained me to leave you. You don't know how much it pained me to let you go, at that moment, when I'm not ready to.

You don't know how much I sacrificed to be able to do this.

And I don't want you to ever know.

I want you to stay the loving, kind, wonderful Andy. I want you to still have the chance to live happily. I want to take away all your past, present, and future pains. I want you to be happy and move on.

I may be making the wrong choice. I know it must be wrong for me to leave you in the dark like this; but if I cannot guarantee my future with you, then I would rather that you erase me from your life once and for all than spend the rest of your life grieving and yearning for something you can never have.

Something we can never have.

Suppose that I told you about my condition, about what the doctor said about my lifespan. What could we do in a few months? I would be undergoing all kinds of treatment, I would be confined to the hospital. You would be forced to stay beside me, to care for me as I lay incapacitated. You would be spending sleepless nights at my bedside. You would be crying streams of tears. And all for what? All for nothing, because both you and I know that I won't live and all of what you did will be for naught. But with the cruel breakup I gave you, I'm sure you will be able to move on; you'll learn to eventually open your heart once more, when you meet someone who can truly love you for the rest of his life. But this kind of pain, of seeing me lying down in this hospital bed, helpless… this pain would stay with you forever, and I fear you won't ever be able to move on as you watch me die, feeling helpless because you, I, none of us can do anything about it.

Don't you see, Andy? Everything I'm doing is for you. Even this seemingly cruel, heartless thing I am doing right now is for you.

I know I may be jumping to conclusions about what you're feeling. Even though I claim to know you more than anyone, it still doesn't change the fact that I can never know fully how you feel or how you're going to react to circumstances. Who knows, you may even take this situation better than how I think you would. But I will not take that chance. I would rather die in peace knowing that you're happy somewhere, than have you die at my side knowing that this experience will pain you forever.

I can still remember the last day I ever saw you, before we said goodbye forever. It was a dreary, god-forsaken day, the rain outside is pouring. It was as if the heavens were mourning with us. Then… I heard a series of doorbells, and I froze in place when I saw it was you.

I still remember everything; every detail of how I reacted, every detail of how you looked. You looked like a wet, lost puppy with the rain beating down mercilessly on you. You looked as though the wrath of the heavens fell down on you all at once. The expectant look on your face as you uttered the next words broke my heart; I don't know how I could have gone on to do what I did.

"I know you're in there. I don't want anything. I just want… I just want to talk to you one last time."

The way you called out those words in a shaky voice, as if you were trying hard not to sound like you were crying, broke my heart into a million pieces. I wish that I could just open the door, take you in my arms, and never let you go. I didn't trust myself to not break down and tell you just how much I love you. It took all the courage I had to even open the door just slightly enough for me to peek through at you. In as cold of a voice I could manage, I blurted out a mere two words: "Go home."

"I need to talk to you."

I clenched my fist, but I was careful not to show any emotion through my face. "Then speak."

The next thing I know, you were pushing the door in order to get inside. I was slightly taken by surprise, but I struggled against you, knowing full well that I can't let you in. I don't know the extent of my self-control, and I don't want to test it. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

I was hit with a sudden attack of dizziness that caused me to fall back and lose my balance, but luckily the wall caught me. However, that caused you to overpower me and enter the house. I managed to right myself and slap on an expressionless gaze before you could notice anything.

"Tell me, Park Choongjae… Was I really just an experiment to you? Did you really not feel one ounce of love for me?"

You were crying. Crying because of me. Your crying face, my one weakness- why did you have to be like this? Why couldn't you just hate me and be angry with me and be done with me and not ever want to do anything with me ever again? I feel like my head, my heart, my whole body was about to explode. I just wanted to hug you, kiss you, assure you that yes, I did feel infinitely way more than an ounce of love for you. And still do. But I couldn't. Not for your sake, I couldn't. The next words that came out of me were not my own.

"Didn't I just tell you the other day? Yes, you were an experiment. Yes, you're nothing but a plaything to me. Don't you understand? I like women. I've never liked men. I just wanted to see how it would feel like to have a relationship with a guy. That's all there was to it. And if you fell in love with me, well, that's not my ing problem is it?"

I never meant for it to come out that harsh. But somehow, something inside of me has spoken on my behalf. But this was all necessary. You had to hate me enough to not ever want to see me again. You had to hate me enough so that you won't be thinking about me ever again.

"You… you made me fall in love with you. You made me give my very being to you… How. How could you do this cruel thing to me? How could you say such things, when we were together for one year? How could you experiment with me for so long? Why did you choose me? Why did it have to be me who became a part of your cruel experiment? Why--"

I let you beat me. Though my head was already throbbing excruciatingly and I could barely hold my balance, I let you take out your anger on me. You didn't understand, you didn't know, so I couldn't really blame you. That's right, I deserve all this beating. I deserve this for inflicting all this pain on you.

I remember feeling a sudden painful ringing in my ear followed by a severe headache which caused me to almost collapse; but luckily, I caught your shoulders. Even through the end, you were helping me balance myself, my life. And as I looked at you, heartbroken and desperate, I almost wanted to just drop the whole act and embrace you tightly and never let you go; but I know that I must look at the long-term, and not your short-term happiness.

"Stop it, Andy. Let's not end this relationship on a bad note. I've moved on… you have to move on too."

I still can't believe I managed to say such words to you, when I know fully that I myself haven't moved on, couldn't possibly move on. But you, on the other hand... you had to move on. You had to get up from this pain and go to someone who will truly love you. You must go to someone who won't give you pain as much as I've given you.

"You've moved on? Just like that?" The broken look on your face stirred up my insides; I felt like I was going to puke. But I held it in.

"Yes, just like that. And you should too. Let's just both treat this relationship as a nightmare… a nightmare we woke up from. A nightmare from which we learned many things."

For me, though, I knew that this was just the start of my nightmare. But I knew I had to get you out of my sight before you see the physical pain I was feeling at that time. I saw one of the umbrellas on the umbrella stand near the door. I grabbed one and tried to hand it to you. "Here… take this."

The way you turned away from me without taking the umbrella pained my heart even more than the throbbing I was feeling in my head at that moment. "No thanks. I'm fine. I'll get going now."

But I reached forward and grabbed your wrist, closing your hand upon the umbrella. It was a silent plea for you to take something from me with you, and I was sorry that I couldn't give you more. "Just… just take it. You're going to get sick if you go out there without an umbrella."

The dark, pained laugh that came from you felt like a thousand daggers piercing my heart, a pain far more painful than the throbbing in my head. "And why do you care? It's not as if you really loved me or cared for me. I'm fine, I can get severely sick and die for all I care, for all you care. Besides, I don't want to keep anything that reminds me of you around. If I could burn my brain just so I don't have to remember your face, I would have."

I knew that you weren't about to say pretty things. But your words hurt me more than the throbbing headache I was feeling at that moment. That was the one exact moment I felt as though someone took a sharp knife and cut through all my insides and tied them all to a knot and bashed me against a wall. I had not, nor I will never, feel a pain that was as painful as your poisonous words at that moment.

But I know that I deserved them. I deserve them for keeping you in the dark and for throwing you away in such a manner. But I still couldn't let you know just how much you had hurt me, because I know that you wouldn't have if you just understood. But I could never have you understand.

And yet even through your cruel, heart wrenching words, I still found myself following you outside the door as you walked, but then your voice brought me back to reality. "You don't need to see me out. I can take care of myself. Have a good life."

And just like that, was the last time I saw you. And I was left in darkness once more.

Here I am now, lying helplessly in a hospital bed, waiting for the sweet release of death. Without you by my side, life has lost all its meaning. Though everything is bright and white, I feel as though I am already residing in the deepest, darkest depths of hell.

But that didn't matter. I know you're somewhere out there now, enjoying this same bright sun, free of worries and sadness. I know that I must have pained you for a while, but I know you will eventually move on too.

I love you, Lee Sunho.

And I'll love you until the day I die… and after.

_____

A/N: Okay, whew. Heavy chapter. ._. Now you guys see why I put off writing that for a couple days. I think this was probably the chapter that weighed down on me the most as I was writing it. By the way, this is (slightly) inspired by Huh Gak's Hello and I Told You I Wanna Die MV. Though just slightly, the being sick thing is all I took from those xD Though I may write a chapter that's more closely based on those two MVs in the future. I'm leaving for the Philippines on Sunday, so please expect updates to be around June 20. :)