I don't love you anymore.

Was I just a plaything to you?

Actually, I'm into girls. I have a girlfriend now.

So what was I to you then?

Don't you get it? I was with you because I was curious. That's all it was.

Was I but an experiment to you? So you can satisfy your curiosity?

Don't you know how much you broke my heart, giving me the hope that I finally found the person I can love forever?

You made me trust you. You made me love you.

And yet, in the end, you throw me away so cruelly.

Your words were like sharp daggers that pierced me all over.

I'm covered with wounds. Painful wounds.

Wounds that I can't even patch up.

Wounds that won't heal.

How could you play with my heart like this?

You casted me away as swiftly as you made me fall in love with you.

Did you grow tired of playing with me?

I remember every moment. Do you think I would forget?

How you approached me. How you gained my trust. How you became my friend. And finally, how you confessed to me that you love me.

Was that but a game to you?

To see how it is to be in a relationship with a man?

To see how much it would take to make me fall for you?

No. I refuse to believe this. I refuse to believe that you merely played with me.

I want the truth. I want the truth from you now.

I have to know.

The journey to your house seemed like a long trek to hell. Each step I took was heavy, burdened, and yet, painfully hopeful. Hopeful that maybe you were joking after all. That maybe this was all a cruel, late April Fool's prank that you wanted to play on me but you didn't get the chance to until now.

Even the heavens were angry on this very day. Rain poured down like a raging waterfall. Water and mud coated the slippery concrete. I was soaked to the very core of my being. But I don't care. I don't care if I appear in front of you looking like a drowned dog deprived by destiny. I want the truth.

If you really want me to go away, I will. If you don't want to ever see me again, you won't. I won't ask any questions. I won't ask for any compensation. I just want to know the truth.

I just want to know… In the one year we were together, if you ever felt even an ounce of love for me.

Then maybe... Maybe I can forgive you for this pain you caused me.

I rang your doorbell. I hear shuffling of footsteps, and then silence. I ring the doorbell again. And again. Still no response.

"I know you're in there." I called out in a shaky voice, not trusting myself to not cry. Thank the heavens it was raining today; at least it could mask my tears. I don't want to appear clingy, desperate, fallen. Even though those words are what best describes me right now. "I don't want anything. I just want… I just want to talk to you one last time."

A few minutes of silent hesitation. And finally, a click of the lock. For one moment my heart jumped, expecting all of this to be a big nightmare and I would wake up and he would take me in his arms. Expecting everything that happened in the last few days to be an illusion; in reality this is just a normal day and I would be coming over to his house and cooking for him and watching movies with him and spending time with him like we usually do. But the indifferent frown and exasperated sigh that came from him as he peeked from behind the door brought me back to reality.

"Go home." Those two words were all that you uttered in a seemingly bored voice.

How could you be this cruel? How can a human being be this cruel? I may have just been a mere experiment to you, but don't you have the decency as a human being to even care a bit for my well-being? How could you not even ask me how I am, why I'm here? How could you just send me home?

"I need to talk to you."

"Then speak."

I bit on my lower lip, taking a deep breath and pushing the door.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" He struggled on the other side, but somehow I was stronger. I managed to push the door open and step inside, away from the cold rain beating down on my very being and into the warmth of this home I once called mine.

"Tell me, Park Choongjae… Was I really just an experiment to you? Did you really not feel one ounce of love for me?" The rain wasn't there to hide my tears anymore… but they still flowed freely as I stared straight into his eyes. For a moment, I thought I saw a familiar flicker, the kind of flicker that his eyes had whenever he told me he loved me. But in the next minute they were gone and cold, blank orbs stared back at me.

"Didn't I just tell you the other day? Yes, you were an experiment. Yes, you're nothing but a plaything to me. No, I didn't love you at all. Don't you understand? I like women. I've never liked men. I just wanted to see how it would feel like to have a relationship with a guy. That's all there was to it. And if you fell in love with me, well, that's not my ing problem is it?"

"You… you made me fall in love with you. You made me give my very being to you… How. How could you do this cruel thing to me? How could you say such things, when we were together for one year? How could you experiment with me for so long? Why did you choose me? Why did it have to be me who became a part of your cruel experiment? Why--" I couldn't speak any longer. Before I could even stop myself, I was beating his chest, punching his arms, taking out all of my anger on him, sobbing and crying like there was no tomorrow. The pain he must be feeling from my blows is nothing compared to what I'm feeling inside. He doesn't know what he did to me- he destroyed me, destroyed my trust, destroyed my love, and I don't think I want to love ever again if I have to go through such pain once more.

For a while, he let me beat him; he took all my blows silently. He suddenly grabbed my shoulders and steadied me, though he was gentle. He didn't push, he didn't shove, he didn't hit back; for a moment I thought the real Park Choongjae, my Jinnie, came back at that moment and was going to tell me he was just joking and pull me into his warm, welcoming, loving hug and kiss the top of my head reassuringly like he always does. But I was wrong.

"Stop it, Andy. Let's not end this relationship on a bad note. I've moved on… you have to move on too."

His words stabbed me deeper than any knife ever could. I felt the pain all the way through my heart, my soul, my being. It wasn't even two days since we broke up, and he's already moved on? Was there something wrong with me? Was that how fast one was supposed to get over a relationship? "You've moved on? Just like that?"

"Yes, just like that. And you should too. Let's just both treat this relationship as a nightmare… a nightmare we woke up from. A nightmare from which we learned many things." His voice was calm, oddly calm, and soothing in that way of his. 

I clenched my fists at my sides. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps I was the one being ridiculous here. Perhaps I was supposed to move on just like that. Perhaps I wasn't supposed to fall in love with him. Perhaps someone like me just wasn't meant to find someone to love.

Perhaps someone like me was destined to be alone from the very start.

"Here… take this." His voice was so soft, seemingly apologetic, that I almost didn't hear him. He was handing me an umbrella, and for a moment all I could do was stare at it. It was clear. I wasn't welcome here anymore. I needed to leave.

"No thanks. I'm fine. I'll get going now." And just like that, I turned away from him and walked to the door. But his gentle grasp at my wrist as he put the umbrella in my hand stopped me.

"Just… just take it. You're going to get sick if you go out there without an umbrella."

A small, sarcastic, dark laugh came from me. Judging from his expression, he wasn't expecting such a reaction. But my next words came out of my mouth before I could even think, and I just hope that it hurt him as much as his every word hurt me. "And why do you care? It's not as if you really loved me or cared for me. I'm fine, I can get severely sick and die for all I care, for all you care. Besides, I don't want to keep anything that reminds me of you around. If I could burn my brain just so I don't have to remember your face, I would have."

For a moment I thought I saw his fist clench and an unreadable expression graze his features. But it was all gone in the next second, so it must have been that little ray of hope in me that was slowly dying out causing such a hallucination. He doesn't love me. He never did. I was just but another plaything to that monster.

I started towards the door, but I could feel him following me. I turned around and glared at him. "You don't need to see me out. I can take care of myself. Have a good life." I didn't mean the last part to be so cold, but it just came out of me. I justified it with the fact that he hurt me more than I could have possibly hurt him. I quickly closed the door behind me and walked out, the cold, unforgiving rain immediately unleashing upon me as I stepped out into the street.

What did I really expect when I came here? What was I thinking? I hate myself for having that little bit of hope left. Jun Jin, Park Choongjae, the man I loved, was clearly a monster of a human being. I was stupid, too stupid to think that someone so talented, good looking, and kind like him could really fall in love with shy, talentless, stupid me. 

How could I have not realized from the start that he was playing with me?

I hate you for toying with me, Park Choongjae.

And I'll hate you for the rest of my sorry life.

______

A/N: I was listening to IU's A Story Only I Didn't Know and I got inspired to write about a painful breakup, so here it is. It's just part 1 though, so get ready for the next part, which I'll hopefully post sometime tomorrow! That one will be written in Jun Jin's perspective.