Shattered Wrong

By zining && Reviewed by --placingfifth

Title: 1/5

Oh my, you're usually great with titles. When I saw that you had requested from me again, I fangirled and when I saw the title, I saw so much potential! I saw what kinds of things you can do with it...but I didn't see how it worked. I read the description and the story and I didn't seem to get lots of depth out of it, like what I usually get from your stories. It was rather...plain, I guess? Like, the moral coming from it was only first base. It was only a trunk with no branches; you know what I mean?

Description: 5/10

You always seem to love decorating your descriptions. My personal preference is that you shouldn't really make those large fonts and colour everything. I think most reviewers will also agree that it's unnecessary and that you don't need them. Descriptions should just be simple looking and easy to read. It should be a challenge. 

But that's only a side not. Focusing on the actual description now. Hm...I had to read over it three times to understand. The first time I read, I was only half concentrating. Bad idea. I should've remembered that your description are always tricky and meaningful, so when I read through it, I was like, 'wait what?' and had to go back. The second time I read, I was more alert now, but I was just reading it with focus. So I read it the last time and this time, I was trying to figure it out. Majority of it actually made sense, but it was just thhe last time. 

A crush fallen for wrong.

It didn't seem to make sense to me. I tried to just figure it out, but grammatically, it doesn't make sense. Even fluent speakers (like yours truely) would even have trouble trying to decipher it. I even got my sister my come over and look at it and she said that she couldn't understand (side note: she did say it was written really 'cool' as well).

Plot: 20/30

Now this opinion that I'm about to state, is based off your other stories. 

I felt that the plot was disappointing. Because I had read your other stories, which had such dynamic and absolutely fabulous plots, I felt that this story didn't match up to their 'awesomeness'. It made me rather sad. However, I will still admit that you have this very distinct writing style. You always write with such a mysterious vibe and you don't drop an ounce of it throughout the story. 

But I also must admit that I didn't understand the plot enough. What I made out of it, was that it was about a girl who was in love with this guy who liked another girl, so pretty much the girl was just causing pain on herself in a unrequited love.

The funny thing was, was that when I was reading your story, I got this impression that she was blind. I thought it was just because she was in the dark, but then in the end, I gave in to my first initial thought and that was that she was blind. Then I had to search up what 'cataract' was and then I found out it was connected to eyes. I gave a mental fist pump.

I just wish that there was more to the story. It didn't help that the ending was quite cliche. Recently, I've been reading a lot of stories with that If she had died from the surgery being a failure, that would've been so much easier.

Flow: 9.8/10

It was almost perfect. I just thought that the ending was a little rushed. Not a lot, but just enough to make me feel out of place. The fact that she died because of a car accident, made it a whole lot quicker. If she had died from the surgery being a fail , or at least lost her sight forever and ended up losing him, that would be even sadder. 

Characterization: 10/25

They were somewhat lacking here. I couldn't really understand the guy because he had no stand out personality and the main girl character wasn't that much better either. I gave you points because I felt like that the girl's feelings were consistent and they weren't crazy and all over the place. 

English: 19/20

The only problems I saw were because of the fact that you hadn't put in commas or you didn't need them. But there was only a select few, so I bet you'd be able to find them if you just went over and edited. 

Overall Total: 64.8/100

Comment:

OMG, how did you get this score?! I know very well that it is hard to maintain a good score. But seriously, even though you've been getting these scores from me, I still have a high respect for you. I still remember you as the zining I first met and my expectations for you have never dropped because I know that you are capable of great things, because I have read it with my own two eyes.

BTW, the old shop Cocoa and Marshmallows has been deleted because --milkbubbletea has deactivated her account, so I created this shop to continue off the rest of the reviews. If you still want to recieve reviews from us, you can subscribe. Honestly, I would like to see you subscribe. I would like you to know that I do enjoy reading your stories. 

Please credit the shop and reviewer!