Bus Stop

By SummersDay && Reviewed by --placingfifth

Title: 4/5

For this title, I think it varies for different people on how they felt when they saw it. For example, 'Bus Stop' seems very captivating for me, however, I'm likely to not read it, because there are many stories with the exact same title. But, I will let it go just this once, since it matches the story perfectly.

Description: 9/10

At first I thought there was a grammar mistake in there, but after rereading it, I can see how it pieced in and so it's okay. What I really liked about it, was that it was sweet. My first initial thought was, 'oh no, another pitiful background story' but the way how you wrote the description made it seem...like it wasn't. The description reflected the story well. But I'd just like to put in a little suggestion. Maybe to word it a little better, instead of:

Everyday we would wait together for our bus to come. It was line two. We arrived at the same time everyday.

You could write:

We'd arrive at line two at the same time everyday and wait together for our bus to come. 

That way it's less choppy and have a flow. I'm not saying you should do this, because your description is fine, but the reason I docked a point off was because the first half of your description was just a little too much of 'stop-go-stop-go' (meaning that it was choppy).  

Plot: 15/30

It was a simple plot. When I read your story, however, I felt like I was watching a short movie. But I personally felt that the story needed just a little more explanation. Are there any more interesting episodes between the two girls? Keep me baited!  

Flow: 10/10

Flow was perfectly fine and in no way made me uncomfortable. It did not need to be slower nor was it too fast. I am impressed. Also, the way how you would describe things was absolutely delicious for the mind. I liked how you would ask things like, 'remember how in --- they would tell us to 'go for it'?' It was a really good idea! It gave a good flow to the story because it helped the two girls and their situation. It reflected it, in fact. Good work!

Characterization: 10/25

I didn't understand the character herself - the one telling the story. And Taeyeon(? I'm actually not sure) seemed a bit...lacking? I caught snippets of her personality here and there, but what I made out was, was that she was an ordinary sweet girl that was pretty. I personally couldn't feel any flavor from her. 

I personally, did not get strong characters from them. To me, they had traits that made them quite ordinary. Kind, pretty...kind... One was a little indecisive and regretful... Where are their flaws? Where are their personal characteristics? I don't know how to describe them. 

English: 20/20

Breath-taking and effortless. You have a way with your words and it is truly enchanting. I like the way how you would describe the character's current state, especially when you were describing Taeyeon. I couldn't spot any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes either. I was able to read without having to go 'oh a mistake!'

Overall Total: 68/100

Review comment:

First of all, I apologise for the long wait. There was a huge problem with the shop that put the shop in major construction. I will explain this problem in the second paragraph. Now, secondlyl, I hope that you know that this is how I viewed your story, so of course my mark is a lot different from your previous marks. You lost majority of your marks because of characterization. When I saw your other reviews to see what other reviewers thought about your story, I was quite surprised. Mainly because we all had different thoughts on your characters. I guess what I'm just trying to say is, is that it just depends on the reviewer. Just because I say that your characterization is quite faint, doesn't mean that other people think so too.

BTW, the old shop Cocoa and Marshmallows has been deleted because --milkbubbletea has deactivated her account, so I created this shop to continue off the rest of the reviews. If you still want to recieve reviews from us, you can subscribe, but if you no longer want to continue, you are free to stay unsubscribed. Your choice. 

Credit the shop if only you want to.