My Fear Is Betrayal - HansolLover

reviewed by :: dexterous

Title
4/5
I'm not one who would criticize much on a story title, because what good would it be for 5 points? Anyway, your title seemed pretty generic, if you would ask me. It's fitting, but something's not right. For a drabble like yours, it doesn't quite make the cut in giving this readable feel; something that would lure readers in, you know? Casting aside this predicament, though, I'm only docking off a point from this. It's related to the story, it's straight-to-the point, and you used the proper mechanics in writing a title.

Description / Foreword
7/10
I'm getting straight to the point on this. The formatting in your Description kind of broke the angsty feel your poster initially gave. I guess you could have lessened the vertical spacing of your whole sentence? I understand that you might not be into HTML, but try to figure out how to tweak basic stuff like these. Your .gif was considerably fitting, though.

Plot / Originality
17/20
You might ask why I gave you only 17 points for this. First off, the story was a bit on the short side, therefore a drabble (you mentioned it in your Foreword as well). You did say that it's based on your own experience, and I'm not taking you up for that. Anyway, as I was saying, it was too short for me to even comprehend what exactly the plot was. I only knew the basics, like your treatment of your 'friends', how you met Zain, how she left you, etc. It's like you were trying to tell us using non-formal written language about what you felt. You could have added a bit more flair, perhaps? Also, I docked off points because (in my really honest opinion) scenarios like these seem way too common on AFF, may it be drabbles like yours or only fictional stories. Betrayal by people you considered 'friends' seems to be a norm, huh? I really can't blame you though, since it happened to you in real life. I hope you understand my explanation! Feel free to ask me if you don't get it. :)

Characterization
14/20
Yet another questionable score. You might ask, "why did you dock off 6 points? It's just a drabble". Well, you kind of have neglected one of the key points in a story: the personalities of the main characters. In this, it's obviously you and Zain. Yes, you mentioned that you were always alone, that you "like the taste of taking over, it makes me alive" – however, what exactly is your personality? Why the need to fake yourself in front of them? Are you scared that any of your flaws will throw them off? What gave you the reason to pursue these illusion-like relationships with them? The same goes for Zain. What made you eventually open up to her? Why was she of importance that you treated her like a 'friend' after bossing her around and all that? Furthermore, what made you say that she has betrayed you? I hope you understand.

Mechanics (grammar, punctuation, spelling)
17/25
One thing I noticed about your drabble, was that you had a lot of dragging sentences. Invest on your periods, commas and semicolons; whatever are they there for? People reading your story might say that they need a breather now and then. Quite contradicting to this, is the fact that you also had some sentences that were seemed to be cut off in the middle of your typing. I'll be giving you examples, and the possible corrections.

Error: Well I'm glad to tell you that something unexpected happened that made me turn back to the old and "real" me.
Correction: Well, I'm glad to tell you that something unexpected happened. It turned me back to the old, and real, me.
Please read the correction and take note of how the coherency changes for the excerpt. You could apply this to other points in your story as well, but do analyze whether this part of the story needs to be tweaked or not, etc.

Also, be wary of the tenses you use. I noticed that your tenses varied a lot in your drabble. Try to keep the consistency of your story up. If you started with the past tense, try maintaining that. If you really can't, then there are some exceptions when it comes to these. I'll be giving you an example.

Error: I loved being alone, but at the same time I also averse being left out.
Correction: I loved being alone, but at the same time, I was also averse to being left out.
Again, please do note the correction.

For the same example above, also be mindful of the words you use, and how you incorporate them into sentences. The word averse there doesn't seem to fit the first sentence, right? In all actuality, it does – you just really need to know how to merge it in with your sentence. The correction for this error is also given above.

Final example. I think betrayal isn't the right word for this; it could mean something much deeper, like when you commit treason, etc. For your situation, you couldn't really use it. It sounds too formal. I myself couldn't find the right word for it, but it's definitely not the one you used. I hope you understand. Feel free to contact me if you found this mind-boggling.

Other than these, there were no other problems. Your spelling is great; I could see that you have a good grasp of the English language. You just really have to improve on the factors that I have mentioned above.

Flow
8/10
It was a drabble, I understand, but there seems to be an erratic flow and development on the part of your characters and such. Try to even out the flow of your stories next time, okay? In my honest opinion, the story was too fast, but since that's the point of everything (because I have a feeling that you wouldn't want to elaborate much on what exactly happened), I'm only docking off 2 points.

Insight
7/10
You're getting there. :) Practice makes perfect! Even if you got a lower score than what you have initially expected, don't let this shape your passion as an author. If any, I hope this review will spur you to become better in the future. Good luck!

Overall
74/100
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