{ 002. misgivings }

hoji aka hoya / eunji - drabble

a/n: words in italic were taken from The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan
-

This must be our hundredth and twentieth fight in the period of one year and four months that we've been together. I don't understand how we get into these things or why we're like this, but it kills me more than a little inside every time you walk out the door. I pretend you'll come back to me faster than you walking out, but I know in my heart it'll be a few days, maybe a week at most until our storm calms down.

This time, I can say I understand how we ended up like this; it was all my fault.

"You never think, do you! You never consider others and their feelings...do you only think about yourself so much you forget that there are other people around you?" you yelled, not even questions but statements that I knew, deep down, they were true.

It made me weak, you telling me my faults again. I already know, and I already see this part of myself. It hurt the most when you sat down on the couch opposite me, looking away as if you couldn't bear the sight of me.

I stayed standing, arms rigid at my sides and I was more than awkward in this situation. "I'm sorry, Ho-" It was my fault for lying to you, about a lot of things really, but I knew you valued trust more than anything in a relationship and I was stupid enough to ruin all of it. "I should never have lied to you...I know, I really shouldn't have. But I wanted to keep it from you because I didn't want to hurt you-"

"No, don't give me that crap. Either way it would have hurt me, but telling me lies is what would hurt the most."

"If I had told you the truth in the first place, things would have been terrible for us! I didn't say anything because I was afraid-"

"You were afraid that I would blame you for everything, right? Telling me the truth at the start, yes I would have blamed you, but it would go away after we straighten things out. Right now? I blame you. You're so afraid of getting yourself hurt that you can't even think about the ones you would be hurting in the process. You never think."

I bit my lip to hold back tears, looking up at the ceiling as if it would have helped. It didn't. I ended up sobbing silently.

It was silent for quite a long time, we were both at a loss for what to say, or rather you had a lot of things to say but knew I couldn't retort to any of them. What would it take for you to forgive me, for you to love me like you did the first time?

I sighed. I got up the courage to ask if you regretted us. You finally looked at me but I couldn't comprehend the look in your eyes. This time, you didn't yell. You kept your eyes on me but hesitated in answering, making time feel like eternity in our silence.

"There are things I'd miss," you said. "But if I didn't have you, I'd miss more."

After hearing those words, I told myself to stop being so stubborn. There was hope for us after all.

xxxxxx

the end.