Winter Blossom

Staring at the black hue sky with the absence of the stars when a snowflake landed at the back of my hand, made me, once again, realize how empty I have been. Sitting by myself without any shoulder to lean on and remembering the time when we had our first winter night together half a decade ago, was the mere opposite of my situation in this evening.

Did you still keep that moment in your heart? Or did your mind dispose that memory off and truly forgot about me?

That winter night felt just like yesterday when that happened between the two of us. In every movement you made as you serenaded me with your very own composition, that instant became surreal. And there I was, almost crying with the friendship love you had given me.

Witnessing your eyes that penetrated my soul; your lips that curved in a gentle smile; your embrace that enveloped me with warmth; and, your voice letting me hear sweet melting words and a promise to always be there when I needed you.

I thought we can be like that again for this year but…

Because of our separation, did you know how much that affected me? I was scared being all alone without you within my reach. I didn’t know how will I be able to continue in achieving my dream without seeing your face, feeling your presence, or even hearing your voice.

But you know what? From what you had done, you made me realize that in this world, I need to be independent and able to withstand the obstacles that I must face.

True enough, I’m not that reliant child anymore but still, being with someone is far better than being strong yet alone.

“I have no reason to feel the same way for you. Maybe…maybe you’re right. I think it’s really the best to break up”

There’s no day I regretted saying that to you. It was not my intention that you heard those words from me because in the first place, I didn’t want our relationship to be apart but it was you who took the initiative to put its end.

And as what I always reminded of myself - I will keep on waiting for you.

But will I? For how long?

As snow started to fall one by one and covered the surroundings with white, it made me wonder if it was also happening right there? Right now?

And by any chance, are you…are you missing me even for just a little bit? Will you allow me if I assume that you do? Because that’s the only thing I wanted to know. Admitting that I am selfish for you, I just can’t help it.

My love stood still.

And for always will be…?

The midnight moonlight was beautifully scraped at the sky but the ambience that it gave off was relatively depressing. Standing up and stretching after long hours of reclining on the bench we had seated during our first snowfall, it was time for me to let go of the hope I had gripped on about being able to see your presence tonight.

My hands were ultimately cold and as I rubbed it, I reminisced the time when you held both of my hands and made me touch your crimson cheeks that causes the coldness to fade. You’re a caring guardian angel whom He gave to me but the conditions were different now.

The whole town was emanating the Christmas spirit and a lot of happy vibes from person to person but in my case, I felt indifferent. Couples were seen more having their sweet time together and sharing their lovable smiles with the person they love.

I wish we can do that. But a wish…It’s just a wish that just wanted my hope to stay.

I decided to run away…away from those scenes that will give me more reasons to hate myself…for letting you go…for not asking how you felt…for…for everything I had done.

“BoA”

I heard your voice and searched for the source but failed to see your face. Am I that desperate to find you? Will you hate me for that?

My tears silently fell and soaked the snow just like my motivation that was slowly dissolving for months of yearning for you.

“Jae”

Tell me, how long will I able to wait for you? Should I continue doing this? Because soon, doubt will reach my limit. And I don’t know if I can overcome it.

“Have some faith my dear” I looked up to see an old lady who wore a comforting smile as she patted my shoulder. I didn’t know how she was able to make me, all of a sudden, somehow feel at ease by her advice. Can she see right through my expression? Probably yes. After all, I was full of negativism.

I wiped my tears but with no avail, it kept on flowing down and made me feel weaker. “I’m sorry” I uttered while she sat beside me, handing a neat lace handkerchief with the letters ‘J&B’ stitched to it.

“And never lose that faith” I bit my lip to prevent myself from crying more as I nodded my head while she stood up and my gaze followed her. “You’ll find your answer when you come home” She said then gave me that same smile before turning her back and started walking away.

I was rendered speechless. It made me think if this was only an illusion, believing that I became like this because of too much worry. But nevertheless, I complied with her words, recognizing that home and my parents are now the only place and people I can obtain some warmth.

Walking through the distant path towards my home, outlines of footsteps were shown before me, wishing if possible that it was traces that will lead me from wherever you are. But being hesitant to even move a step forward, not because I’m not sure what will happen between the two of us, but disappointment might swallow me when I will feel empty, knowing that you won’t be there waiting for my arrival.

But I took the risk. It’s just a matter of experiencing heaven or hell, or possibly both. Slowly, walking my way while fitting those traces with my boots, fragments of our winding memories came rushing through my mind and it hurts me deeply.

But remembering what the old lady had said about uncovering my answer, in what question was she referring to, from all the queries I have in my mind?

“BoA”

I heard a familiar voice and instantly lifted my head up to see you, whose eyes were directly looking at mine. I stiffened on my spot, not knowing how to react at that very second.

“Stop” The first word I said in front of you when you took a step towards me. “This isn’t real” But then you took the second step while I moved backwards.

“Will you give me a chance…” You made more steps and I did the same until I was almost on the road, ready to be hit so I can get back to my senses.

Then you started singing…

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6a-HJqVEYE)

♫I see a loose button as reflected in the mirror

Even with these little things, I truly long for you

The time we cannot spend together has deepened our love

If I’m at a loss in words, I’ll just kiss you lightly on your cheek

The days longing for each other quickly passes by

So fast, so fast, only…

I miss you, My thoughts are always with you… from the bottom of my heart

Once again, I want to give my heart to you

If you call me, I’ll go to you

I want to smile by your side

By mere moments, your heart may be hurt

I want to comfort your hurts which cannot be healed alone

If I cannot be by your side, I’ll just

Hold your shadow in my heart, hold in my heart, and…

All the days, my thoughts are always with you… from the bottom of my heart

I will never let go of your heart again

If you cry, I’ll go to you

I want to always stand by your side

If it is your wish, I’ll try every means

I want to grant your future, your eternal dreams, I wish

I miss you, my thoughts are always with you, from the bottom of my heart

For countless times, to heart, I’ll smile for you

Even though sad, or happy

I want to smile by your side

With all my heart

Find me, and I’ll be there for you♫

My knees fell on the white ground and you came by hugging me oh so tight, whispering words to me which I wanted to tell you. I was cradled in your arms, feeling that longing familiar warmth while our tears like waterfalls poured out, revealing the memories we once had.

There’s nothing more that I wanted than this very moment - to be in your arms and feeling the real you. It was ironic how I thought of you not wanting to meet me but here you are, all along, was patiently waiting for me.

“I’ll never let go of you anymore” And you made my heart flutter once again after such a long time, hoping that you’ll stay forever by my side.

And the love we kept all along has now blossomed with shimmering hues that signified the mark of our togetherness in this blissful winter night.