The Rain’s Melody

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GZJgwOKydE)

How are you?

A simple question that depicts uncertainty and yet, the incapability to determine what would be the right answer makes me feel hopeless. Having no courage to ask you directly and not wanting to assure myself that you already moved on is my last longing problem I’m encountering. The words you had spoken surely made a great deal out of me and what more upsetting is the fact that it’s still distinctive to my consciousness.

‘You’re not the Jaejoong I came to love. I don’t even know you anymore…’

‘I have no reason to feel the same way for you. Maybe…maybe you’re right. I think it’s really the best to break up’

There isn’t a day without getting up having that bad dream. It’s like a dagger that pierced through my heart and left me with an agonizing wound. I admit…it’s my entire fault that you’re in so much pain but it’s my only way for us to be separated. For you to hate me. For you to erase my existence in your life…but to tell the truth, regret keeps on killing my worthiness.

Living far away from you, not being able to see or hold you made me in anguish and in wonder if you’re still keeping your promise but realization made me erase that thought when I came back and saw how you faithfully wait for me after all the years we had been apart. I’m sorry. I should have given you my full trust but when that certain day entered my life, I felt miserable and almost lost my dream.

Droplets of rain slowly knocking on my window, delicately touching once again the moments we both shared in the past. Do you still remember those times? We enjoyed each other’s company, inseparable every single day. I just wish we could return…return back from the friends we were before. No worries, no hearts broken, no feeling of emptiness, only the fulfillment we had when we’re together.

Have you ever thought of that day when we stayed in our little tree house? It was raining hard and you were scared at that time. I held your cold hands and assured you with a smile that everything’s going to be just fine.

And it was that moment I promised myself to protect the fragile you and always stay by your side…but what am I doing now?

Do you also remember that night when you had been confined in the hospital because of your clumsiness? You broke your arm and kept on telling me that you can no longer play the instrument we both love and as your friend, I comforted you and played the piece you requested that made you fall back to sleep with the help of the cold wind brought by the rain.

I stared at your face and that’s when I confessed that I was falling for you. I told myself that I will love you ‘til eternity…but for you, do you still feel the same way?

How about the time I made you soaked in the rain? You didn’t forget that, didn’t you? You yelled at me but soon enough, we were both happily playing chase until we got sick the next day. You even blamed me for that but we ended up laughing for our own silly actions.

But the last time we did that, I only made you cry and it hurts me so much.

Worrying about you built upon me when my mother told me that you were sent in the hospital that night when we last saw each other. I wanted to visit you but haven’t got the courage to face you anymore. I damaged your feelings to the point that I don’t have any idea if forgiveness will come across you.

Letting that incident happened, I decided to imprison myself to the depths of abandonment. Blaming myself for being a failure in your eyes and soul. Would you even believe me if I tell you that the sole reason for my doings is for you to have the life you desire? For you to follow your dream even if I’m not by your side? Or will you just perceive that it’s a lame excuse for my ignorance?

If I can tell you at this moment what I went through, would you even dare to hear me out? For the truth is, I was diagnosed with a chronic ailment that will shorten the days I would be able to live and my survival is nothing but questionable. That’s why I managed to let go of you but my will kept on opposing it. And if I ask you, would you still love me if you knew about my condition? Or will you decide to stay away from me because you realize you don’t need someone as pathetic as me?

Guilt slapped me hard when I saw the look on your face on that rainy evening. I never intended to break up with you but I don’t have any option left but to set you free. You had been too dependent in me and I want you to stand on yourself alone because I know, it’s the best for you…but pursuing that decision, did I make the right choice? I can’t even understand myself anymore. I love you Boa. But why am I hurting you? Why am I hurting myself?

After all these years, managing to fight for my illness, getting treatments until I became fully healed and hiding my secret from you, will you be able to accept me and my mistakes?

Will our love prevail even with all the sad episodes occurred in our lives? We’ve been through a lot. We’ve suffered so much but I know, it’s only the start of the challenges we’ll run into.

At first, I was having second thoughts on what I should suppose to do but reflecting about what I had done especially for you, I am fully determined. I had packed my stuff and ready to go back…to clear those misunderstandings and to have you back right here in my arms.

Even if negativity takes my side when we meet each other again, I won’t let that be a burden but instead I’ll be more persistent to fight for the strong feeling I have for you.

For our love. Will it be like the rain that after a while, will soon uncover the bright sky beyond those dark clouds or will it transform into a storm that will give more painful emotions for the both of us?