Our Goodbye Under The Mistletoe
Lullaby for the Violin’s Tears
I never asked for that to happen. I didn’t know you’ll get hurt because of what I’ve done.
If only you let me explain, but you told me to never enter your life again instead.
Is it over? Is it the end between us two? When I know you won’t ever forgive me, it keeps on breaking my heart that now, I won’t be able to be there for you…because I’m the reason…I’m the reason why you’re suffering.
But I won’t give up, I want to have our friendship back.
I’ll do anything because I’m missing you so much.
Our Goodbye Under The Mistletoe
It was the start of the winter season that life had been unfair to me. Until now, the guilt I have is getting heavier and heavier as each day passed by. Why does it need to happen? I thought all were going smoothly as what I assumed to be…but no…I’m experiencing the most miserable consequences from the actions I’ve done. If only…if only I hadn't won that competition, then everything will be back to its usual place.
“Are you ready dear?” My mom knocked on the slightly open door of my room as I adjusted my violin case strap. I nodded in return and stood up, ready to do what I had decided.
“I’ll be leaving now, ma. Take care” I kissed her on the cheek as she showed me a sad look on her face. “Are you sure about this?” She asked and I nodded hesitantly. The way I see it, I think it will be the right choice to leave and do what I have to do.
“Aren’t you going to visit Boa before you leave and tell her that...” I held my mom’s hand, wanting her to stop. Because I know her next words will just made me remember that unpleasant event and will add more pain to what I’m feeling. “You really do care for her huh?...but let me tell you this son…she needs to know”
“I know…I know that, but it’s not yet the right time” I ended our talk as I gave her a faint smile and bid my farewell after I stepped into my car then drove away.
I looked at the passenger seat where my violin case is placed and it made me reminisce the good times we’d been together. It was delightful to think about it before, but in this current state, I can only feel the bitterness of a dying heart compared to the outside scenery as the Christmas spirit can be felt just by looking at the houses and shops that filled with ornamentals and decorations.
It’s the 25th of December and a special day to most people, but for me, it will just be another day with full of sadness and longing. Tears appeared in my eyes and I laughed bitterly as tears started to fall continuously. Why am I becoming like this?
I parked my car at the side as I decided to visit her, unknown if she wanted to see me ever again. But I won’t let myself not to even take a glance at her angelic face before I travel to another country. Even if she still hates me, I just wanted to see her so bad…I wanted to greet her a ‘merry christmas’ even if she doesn’t want that to hear from me…because I know for sure it’s my fault why she’s going to celebrate this day here at the hospital.
The door was open when I arrived at her room and saw her parents sitting on the couch. They noticed me and stood up, walking towards my direction.
“Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Kwon. Is Boa…umm…Is she awake?” I asked in a nervous tone when I remembered the last time I came here. It was a month since then that she outburst in anger when I visited her. She wanted me to leave the moment she saw me, and that was the day I truly accepted that our friendship is ruined...gone…unhealed anymore.
“No, she’s sleeping…Jaejoong-ah, I’m really sorry about what happened before. It’s my fault my daughter became like this. I pressured her too much to do great that I hadn’t realize that she already reached her limit. I’m really sorry you got involved. It’s my entire fault.” Hearing what Boa’s mother said, I shook my head in disapproval. I’m sharing the blame because I’m the reason why Boa got into that car accident.
“Your mom called me” Boa’s dad spoke and left me confused why my mother did that. “She told me your plan…I’m really sorry but..”
“It’s my decision.” I cut him off, knowing what he will be pinpointing and I know my mind won’t change. “I thought of it several times and it’s the best option I have…I want to see her before I leave and apologize for hurting your daughter.. I’m sorry” I bowed and heard him sigh.
“I’ll respect it. If that’s what you want, I won’t stop you…” He patted my shoulder and I looked up to him. “Well then, we’ll leave you two alone for a while” I bowed once again, thankful for them as they slightly pushed me inside the room and closed the door.
And it was like time stopped when I saw her sleeping soundlessly there on the bed. Her face showed calmness compared to the last time I saw her and I won’t get tired staring at her like this. If only that incident didn’t occur, we should be enjoying this day with the two of us alone and I would be able to work on with my love confession…but…
I placed down my case on the couch and took out my violin and bow. It was the instrument we both love and sadly, it was also the one that made us fell apart.
I positioned myself, ready to play as I let my emotions enveloped me. I started playing the song that my heart wanted to express as I was holding back the tears that can come out anytime soon.
*
I still remember that day, her words stabbed my heart deeply and up to now, the wound hasn’t yet been healed. That scene at the front of the school kept on occupying my mind whenever I missed her. It was a vivid memory that how much I tried to forget, I’m unable to. It’s just so hard to let go…to let go of my feelings knowing about her condition. I just…I just can’t. She’s everything to me.
“Garnering the highest score of the annual music competition, the winner, from the Seoul Academy, is none other than Mr. Kim Jaejoong..Congratulations”
Those words…those were the words I was waiting for… but I didn’t know back then, that those were also the words she didn’t want to hear.
The audience gave me a round of applause as I stood there, overwhelmed when I heard my name. My mom went up on the stage and gave me a warm tight hug that a mother could ever give to her son for being so proud. I smiled wholeheartedly, knowing that I was able to make her happy after my father’s death.
I then looked at my best friend, wanting to see her smiling back at me but her face carried a complete opposite of what I expected…It showed hatred, despair, and frustration. I was taken aback, that for a moment my body became stiff. It was another side of her that I only noticed for the first time. She ran out to the backstage, causing the attention to be with her as murmuring started to get louder.
I followed her and was relieved that I caught up with her at the front of the school before she can go any farther, when she was calling for a cab. “Wait!” I yelled and was panting as I stopped beside her. “Boa, what happened? Why did you run?” I asked, confused but she didn’t say a word as if I wasn’t there. “Hey~”
“Will you just shut up already?!” She exclaimed and my eyes widen at her outburst. It was the first time I’ve seen her like this and it was so much different to the way I’ve known her. “I hate you...I’ve always hated you. You kept on ruining my life!”
“Wha-what? What are you saying? Aren’t we friends?”
“Friends? Are you kidding me? Do you know how much I wanted to win that competition?! How much I wanted to go to France? I wanted that scholarship so bad but you took it away! Is that what you call a friend?” She burst out as I can see her eyes got watery and I was silenced for a second with the impact of her words to me.
“Boa, I’m...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know you want it so much.” I looked down, saddened by the words she threw at me while she was still fuming in anger.
“Gosh, and what am I supposed to do? Forgive you? You’re always been the topnotcher while I just stayed behind your back, never got noticed by anyone, even my parents are not proud of me. They always compare me to you, that…that I should be the same as you. Do you know how much that hurts? That they never acknowledge my accomplishments, huh? Now tell me that I have no reason to hate you.” I listened to every detail she stated as my heart stung with pain. She went in the car as it drove away from me. I let my tears to flow as the trophy I was holding slide on my grip and broke into pieces as it touched the ground just like what happened to my heart.
It had been three days after that…three days since I last talked to her. She neither answered my calls nor even went to school which made me restless, and that negative comments about her started to spread around the campus.
And it was only that day that I’ve known the reason why.
I was looking at the glass window, sitting on my armchair when one of my classmates suddenly barged in. “Boa got into an accident!” I abruptly stood up and approached him, asking what the hell he was saying. This can’t be. There’s no way.
“I heard the teachers talking about it. I…I can’t breathe Jaejoong. Let go”
“Where is she?!” I loosen my grip a little on his collar as I was getting nervous with every second. “She’s in the Seoul Doctor’s Hospital…I also heard her condition is critical”
“Yah! Kim Jaejoong what are you doing? Go to your seat now!” Our teacher appeared but it didn’t stop me to run out of the room. “Where are you going?! Yah!”
No…Please don’t let her die…Please
*
I lowered down my violin and looked at her as I finished playing the piece and placed it back in the case. She was still sleeping and a part of me wanted to see her awake but to think that she’s mad at me, I think it would be better this way. This way that everything is broken…that whatever I do, I cannot fix it. If only it’s like a string of a violin, I can managed to replace it to a new one just like a new beginning for the both of us. But no, it’s impossible.
“I’m sorry Boa, I’m sorry” I caressed her cheek as my tears fell. I can’t hold it anymore. I wanted to give in, it was too much painful. I wanted to be by her side…I wanted to see her smile…I wanted her to forgive me, but there’s no way it will ever happen.
I guess now, it’s for me to accept that I lost…I lost the game of life. But what’s most regretful was… that I haven’t even told her what I feel for her especially on this day that I thought of confessing months ago.
“I love you” I softly whispered to her ear, hoping that if it was possible, she was able to hear it. “I’m going to miss you” I picked up my violin case and lastly kissed her on the forehead before I really leave.
I closed the door slowly and saw Boa’s parents waiting outside the room. I was startled for a bit but I got my composure back. I said my farewell and entered my car with a heavy heart.
I started the engine and put the car in drive as I’m on my way to the airport. Images of her never left my mind and will never be erased because even if she despised me, my feelings for her will forever stay the same because she was the reason why I had known the real definition of love.
‘To love and be loved is the greatest happiness of existence’
But sometimes the person we love the most will be the one who will make us cry…just like what I’m experiencing now. And because of her, I have also known the meaning of sacrifice and letting go…
I never imagined that this day would come, that hope had already drained in me…no matter what I do, I can’t bring back the past.
Hours had passed and it’s already the time I need to board the plane. I looked back, taking a last glance but not hoping for her to come. I only need to go there and stay several weeks before I came back here and live with a missing piece of my heart.
“What the…” I stopped on my tracks when I felt someone hugged me on my back.
“Don’t do it” I put down my suitcase and turned around as I became shocked when I saw her in front of me.
“What are you doing?! Boa, you should be resting in your room” I was a bit angry at her, she’s still in a bad condition but in a way I was glad that she came.
“Don’t do it, please…My dad told me about your plan. I’m begging you, don’t withdraw from the scholarship… I know…I know I’d said so many harsh words…”
She gripped on my shirt as I held her hands and felt how cold it was…how fragile she looked. It was that moment I’ve realized that I won’t be able to protect her and it made me stand on my ground, I need to do this.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you suffer. I don’t know how long you’ve been in pain because of me… and this is my only way for you to forgive me.” I touched her face, wiping her tears and smiled softly at her. I felt ease in my heart, now that somehow, she went here just to see me. “But remember this Boa, I won’t ever stop caring for you”
She rested her head on my chest and I embraced her, wanting to stop her crying.
“It’s not your fault.” She uttered. “I was wrong to blame you in the first place. You don’t deserve to have a friend like me…and I…I don’t even deserve your kindness. Please forgive me, please…”
“Sometimes you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life” I smiled at her when she looked up to me. “You told me that, remember?” She slowly nodded and I continued “I never wanted to leave you…but because of what happened between us after the competition, I know deep inside you still hate me…that’s why I decided to cancel the scholarship so even for a far, I can see and protect you.”
She shook her head nonstop saying that I don’t understand a thing. But I do understand what she did after that…she kissed me. It was too sudden but it didn’t take long that I replied to her.
We broke off the kiss and I laughed when she became uncomfortable afterwards. “Why did you do that?” I asked in a teasing tone and still smiling widely at her.
“I…I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t do anything…and why…why did you kissed me back?” She avoided my gaze and I can see a dark pink hue on her cheeks.
“Now you’re admitting that you really did kiss me” I crossed my arms, arching a brow as she looked at me, about to say something but closed instead.
“Stop embarrassing me already…I love you okay. There, I said it” I was, again, taken aback by her words, but the impact this time was different. She turned around, her back facing me, as I became speechless. Is this for real?
I took a step forward and hugged her as I rested my chin on her shoulder. “You beat me…I’m supposed to confess first”
“Does this mean…you love me back?” She faced me with a complete surprised look as her eyes showed excitement.
“I do. I really love you…that’s why I need to go so I can be with you” I cupped her face and leaned forward but before I can kiss her again, she stopped me.
I looked at her, puzzled as she held my hand and took it away from her face. “No Jae. I told you, don’t do it. We know how important that scholarship is”
“I know…but accepting it means we’ll be apart for four years. Now that I know what you feel for me, I don’t want that to happen” I looked at her with hope in my eyes, persuading her in a way. I want to be close to her…I want to protect her in every single day. I just can’t live without her.
We both became silent until she broke it off and as much as I wanted her to agree with me, she shook her head sideways. “No…don’t waste this opportunity. I don’t care if you’ll stay there for four years or even ten years…I’m willing to wait for you”
It was her turn to cup my face as I stared at her in both disappointment and gladness. I was disappointed that she disapproved of what I want but was glad of what she said even if her condition is not what I wanted.
But I’m hoping that when I come back, I’m still the person who’s in her heart…always.
“Will you?” I asked, almost inaudible to hear, but the distance between us didn’t help at all. And I flinched when she suddenly pinched my cheeks too hard. “Aaaah!” I rubbed where it hurts but she only giggled in return. “Why did you do that? It hurts~”
“You’re so serious, loosen up a bit…” She punched me in the arm as I gave her my most precious smile. What’s with her that she can change my mind so easily? “It’s about taking risk” She continued and my smile fell as she showed me a sincere look. “It’s hard for me also…but for once, I need to sacrifice for the both of us…Sorry Jae, but you need to go there and show how great my boyfriend is” She proudly said and I pinched her nose.
I sighed as I had already decided that I lost to her. “Promise me you’ll never look for other guys or else I’ll come home and make you jealous that you left me” I threatened in a jokingly manner but I’m guessing she took it seriously since her expression was implying it. “Hey, I’m just kidding…just promise me you’ll take care of yourself while I’m away. I’ll call you often” I kissed her forehead, signaling that it was time for me to really go…go with a different goal to achieve.
“I’ll be going now” I squeezed her now warm hands and noticed my mom and Boa’s parents from a far. “Rest after this okay? Promise me that” She gave me a firm nod and hugged her one more time…that I never wanted to let go. If only she agreed with me, then now we both leave this place together…but thinking about my dream, it won’t hurt to give it a chance even if I’ll be longing for her.
“Thank you, Jae…thank you so much. You made this Christmas a special day for me” She spoke while still in my arms and I felt something I can’t explain. And I bet she’s the only one that can make me feel this way.
An idea came up to mind and I smirked when I saw that special thing hanging at the ceiling. “Look up” I instructed her and her eyes widen upon seeing it.
“A mistletoe…”
“Boa…” I held her chin and slowly moved my face towards hers. She tensed up when my lips touched hers but soon relaxed a bit. I pulled away as she opened her eyes and we both stared at each other, not wanting to tear apart…but it’s time for me to go.
I picked up my suitcase and waved goodbye at my parent and hopefully, soon-to-be parents as they did the same. Just by looking at them now, I know for sure I’ll be missing them.
“Should I really go?” I faced Boa, asking in a pleading tone, but she just gave me another firm nod and with that, I gave up. I guess it’s for the best. “Fine…Remember the promise, understand?” She made another nod and bid her goodbye to me. I lastly smiled at her before I turned around and walked away.
And that smile never left on my face, thinking that the guilt I felt before is now gone.
The day I told myself that will be filled with sadness is now completely filled with its opposite.
“I love you Jaejoong!!!!!” I was about to take another step as I was on my thoughts about how this day made a sudden change and impact to me, when I heard Boa shouted my name and told me that she loves me.
I looked back and winked at her, while she stuck her tongue out and made a run to our parents. I chuckled at her actions and I continued walking, feeling deeply in love with her.
“We will meet again”
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