Sunset’s Memory

“I guess, we’ll just continue this tomorrow” I told my students when the clock strikes at five. They put back their violins in their own cases then stepped out of the room after bidding their goodbyes.

Soon enough, the whole room became empty and only myself is the only one in there. Seemingly true, it only means that I’m back in being the real me. The real me who fakes a smile regardless of the situation. The real me who show that I’m happy even though deep inside, I’m not, and the real me who covers my loneliness amidst my façade. I know I’m betraying myself, even the people around me. It’s just that…that I’m too stubborn to even try to forget about him.

How many years had actually passed when that incident happened? It truly was an overwhelming event in my life and I’m guessing it’s the same for him…or probably, he disregarded all of it and chose to leave our memories here when he went to the other country.

I should be happy, right? Because now, I am free. I break out from his grasp and the feeling of not longing or missing him proves it. The expectations I had were been long way gone after our break up and his promises were also been forgotten.

But…the most crucial thing I need to do is to not only say those words, but to take it into action. Tch. Who am I kidding? The pain he inflicted is still in me. The burden is just too much and I can’t find my ways to start recovering from it. I just can’t.

I exited the building and like any ordinary day of mine, this strong orange hue in the sky welcomes me…but in fact, more of wanting me to reflect about my life. One can see how aesthetic the view is but once the sun officially set down, darkness invaded the area, showing no expression, no life at all. Is it acceptable to think like that? My life is this sunset, once had a vibrant color but inevitably, enveloped by obscurity.

There are things that neither be avoided nor even be predicted. It is all up to you on how well you can adapt on this matter. I admit, I’m not doing a very good job in my situation but can anyone blame me? I fail to understand why things happened in their own way…and why these things are against me, against my happiness. I want to know. I want to know the reason of my trials.

It’s been a long while since I started walking and now standing here at the cliff, makes my mind in serenity. It’s this place that I’d imagined of ending my life in which only few steps are needed but thinking it over again, it’s not the best way to cure my pain.

I often go here, contemplating to fall or not but it always ends with me, sitting at the edge and witnessing that beautiful sunset. There comes a time that I asked myself why do I live? Who am I living for? What is my purpose? How did my life lead to this? Those were the questions that answers are still vague to me and I don’t know where to find them.

Beside me lies the instrument we both cherish the most. I believe its fate that made us meet with the help of our violins….but I’m quite uncertain if it is also the one that made us fell apart because I know, in every angle to look into, I had my faults.

But is it really me who should be blamed? Maybe. Maybe not. It’s just devastating enough that even I’m unsure of myself. I don’t know what happened to him there but I made my mistakes. And what made it tragic was that I didn’t even try to fix it. I know it’s been hard for him also and I hadn’t considered it in my own perspective.

I take the responsibility why our relationship didn’t last. I’m becoming a martyr with this issue but what can I do? I’m still in love with him.

I stood up and positioned myself to play. It’s the piece I composed when thinking of him and it reminds me of our story. The story that has a bitter end but still I want to reminisce because it’s the only evidence I have that once in my life, he became part of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YhRl8bjNTc

Do you still remember the past? We were happy back then but now, our childhood memories are the only ones left with me. The first picture we had was when we met in the garden and your father told us to smile at the camera. You held my hand and that’s the reason why I was looking at you in the photo, while you showed that smile of yours. Did you know how I felt at that time? It was strange indeed but nevertheless, it made me at ease.

You were straightforward then when we both practiced that instrument. You told me I got some notes off and even told me that my position was wrong. But you know what? It’s because of you that I was able to make a progress. You helped me a lot and that’s why I owe you.

We were always together. Even our parents told us that we’re inseparable. It was that term that made a mark in my mind. I thought that we can be like that until we grow old but our situation opposed it.

Do you also remember the time I told you about my dream? That I wanted to go abroad to developed my skills? I entered the competition with full of hope but after you told me you did it too, do you know how much it crashed me? I tried my best not to hate you, for I know, that scholarship was all violinists aspired to achieve but when the result was decided, I wasn’t able to hide my emotion.

I was totally depressed and felt the guilt for saying those hurtful words to you. But then, things had change because you were there. I had known your purpose when you’re about to leave this country. You didn’t even know how much you made me feel so special but in the end, we parted ways, not because we’re not in good terms. It’s because both of us wanted you to fulfill the dream we wished for and currently, you’re in that process.

You often called me even though you’re too busy and you never failed to make me feel how much you love me. It was as if you’re just beside me all along, whispering those heartwarming words. But what happened? You suddenly changed when you came back. The promises you told me before, did you forget all of it? We became apart and like a broken string, it was replaced by a new one. The Jaejoong I came to know was changed into someone I didn’t imagine to be with.

I was hurt and I keep on hurting because of your words. Your absence makes me feel something I can’t even describe and it’s a torture. For I know I love you but not confident enough to say that you still feel the same way as me for the reason that it’s near impossible.

It was because of you that I realized that love cannot be measured. It can continue to grow…or can disappear without considering the circumstances and that’s what we experienced.

The sun already set down and the insecurities are building up. I felt unsafe being alone and to acknowledge that you don’t even care anymore, put me in solitude.

And here I am, just did my everyday routine. No one is there to walk by my side and make sure I arrive home safely. There is none. My parents greeted me as usual once I opened the door and I smiled at them. The smile that lacks liveliness.

I walked straight to my room and lay on my bed, standing the coldness that is embracing me. It is always like these when I get too much sentimental. And I kept on asking myself why I can’t move on even though the answer is so darn obvious.

The only solution I have left is to sleep because I’ll be able to withdraw from my problems until I woke up the next day. It became my sanctuary but it can’t be forever since reality always makes its way to slap me. And I cry for that reason. How long will I able to live in this condition? I don’t have any idea.

I only want is to have you back. For me to escape this agony. For you to love me. For us to be like what we were before. Until the day comes that everything that happened is just a nightmare, we will live with contentment in our hearts.

Until that day comes, I will keep on waiting for you.

And for tomorrow, I will still see that sunset and makes me cling into the hope that you’ll be able to take me away from this emptiness surrounding me.