I don’t know what happened.

Everything was so simple.

When did all this start?

When did looking at you make my heart stop?

When did hearing your voice make my ears tingle?

When did your hugs make my heart flutter?

When did your smile make me light headed?

What happened?

I remember when I first met you…

It was so long ago, but I can remember exactly what happened.  You were a new trainee from California who couldn’t speak a word of Korean.  I felt sorry for you.  I watched you ask a random citizen for help, only to be laughed at.  As much as I wanted to help you, I couldn’t.  I could barely t speak a word of English.  It was almost like we were from two different worlds.  Two worlds that joined at a single point…  At the door of our room.

“H-hello?  Uhm.  I’m Tiffany.  I’m your… roommate.”

Taeyeon made a funny face and chuckled at Tiffany’s horrible pronunciation.  Immediately, Tiffany’s expression turned sad and hopeless.  Feeling bad for this, Taeyeon decided to try speaking English to her.

“Engrish?  You… speak?”

Tiffany wore a confused look.

“You… ahh my uh…  hm…  Oh!  잠깐만, 난 알아!”

Taeyeon scrambled around the room, looking for a dictionary while Tiffany stood at the door watching the dorky girl jump around everywhere like a monkey.  Of course, she couldn’t help but giggle at how silly and childish Taeyeon looked when she lay on her belly to look under the bed.

“Ah!  Rrroomuh mateh!”

Tiffany smiled and began laughing.

“Roommate, yes, roommate!”  She nodded.

“Ah…  Welcome…?”  Taeyeon stepped aside and motioned for Tiffany to enter.

“Thanks!”

“Uh… Wait.”

“Hm?”

“My… Naem?  Iss…  Taeyeon.”

“Oh!  Nice to meet you, Taeyeon!”

Both girls bowed and unexpectedly bumped their heads together.

“Ow!”

“Ahh, sorry!”

“Hahaha.  괜찮아”

It was as simple as that.  We laughed at each other for a minute and it turned into a small friendship between us.  As the days went by, we trained together, laughed together, shared the worries we had with each other, cried together, and best of all, we became the closest that friends could ever get.

I loved being your best friend.  Now, I wish I still thought of you that way.  Everything was simple.  There was no heartbreak involved.  At the same time, I love loving you.  The rush that I get every time I see you is incredible.  It almost feels like I can fly.  I just wish you knew.

Sometimes, it almost seems like you feel the same way.

“Are you a good friend of Tiffany?” The MC looked at the pair with a curious face.

“More than just a good friend.” Taeyeon smiled.

“I told you, Taeyeon and I are…” Tiffany searched for a good word to end the sentence with.

At the same time, Taeyeon  waited anxiously to hear what word she would use to describe them.  Being unable to contain her feelings, she blurted it out.

“Wife!”

Tiffany smiled and continued her explanation of how they came to be.

But then…

Usually, it seems like you don’t know how I feel.

“Taeyeon, Taeyeon!”

“Eh?”

“Look!!!”

“Who… Who is that?”

“Damon Salvatore!”

“From… Vampire Diaries again?”

“Yes!!”  Tiffany bounced up and down in the chair while flailing her arms slightly.

“… Is that all…?”

“Isn’t he soooooooo cute?”

“You… like him?”

“Yes!  He’s my celebrity crush!”

Taeyeon watched Tiffany fangirl and laugh.  She forced a smile but deep inside, her heart was breaking at the thought of Tiffany liking someone else.  On top of this, Tiffany was usually able to see straight through Taeyeon’s fake smile.  Today she was completely unaware of it.

You know, it’s painful enough to know that your heart desires someone else.  What makes it unbearable is that you tell me about it.  I just wish you knew.

“Hey, do you feel that?”

“Feel what?”  Taeyeon lifted her head.

“It’s starting to-“

Suddenly rain began pouring down on the two who were walking back to their dorm.

“Fany, you’re shivering.”

“It’s ok.  The dorm isn’t that far away.  We can just run for it.”

“No, you’ll catch a cold!  You’re only wearing a T-shirt!”  Taeyeon took off her sweater without hesitation, leaving only a tank top.  She wrapped the sweater around Tiffany and held her as they continued walking.

“Tae, what about you?  You don’t even have sleeves!”

“Don’t worry about me.  I’m okay, as long as you’re okay.”  Taeyeon held her tighter and smiled.

I stood up for you.

“Hey, Tiffany.  Do you want to dance?”  The man stepped close to Tiffany.

“Uhm…  No, sorry.  I can’t.”  Tiffany tried to step away but he pulled her back.

“Oh, c’mon.  Just one song.”

“No, I really don’t want to.”

“Please!”

“Let go!”

“But I just-”

Suddenly the man fell to the ground with a small yelp.  He remained conscious but was too drunk to stand up.

“She said no!  Fany, are you okay?”

“Yes…  I’m fine… Can we leave?”

I remember the times when you told me that you liked someone.  You said you needed time to figure everything out.  I wanted to just stand up and yell everything that was on my mind at the sky.  At first, my heart raced as I thought of the possibilities.  What if it was me?  What if you only needed time because you were worried that I wouldn’t feel the same way?  But then I realized it’s probably just him.  Or him…  Or him.  It didn’t even matter who he was.  It wasn’t me, no matter how much I wanted it to be.  I just wish you knew.

“Hey Taeyeon.”

“Ehhh…?”  Taeyeon snapped out of her daydream and looked at Jessica.

“Are you okay?”

“Uhh, yes, why?”

“You’ve been acting weird lately…”

“I’ve just been worried for Fany.  She’s been practicing non-stop to perfect the dance.  She skipped lunch today.”

“Do you like Tiffany?”  Jessica’s sudden question caught Taeyeon by surprise.

“What?!”

“Nothing…”

“I don’t.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, and even if I did, our manager would never allow anything to happen between us.”

At the sound of Jessica’s question, I really wanted to say “Yes, I love her more than anyone I’ve ever loved before.” But I knew it would cause unnecessary chaos that could threaten our careers.  As much as I loved you, I wanted the best for you and whatever made you happy.  If what makes you happy is to have a successful career and then marry a strong man, who only listens to you, then so be it.  I always thought about the future since I wanted to convince myself that you would be a big part of it.  But you’re a big part of my life already; always have been, and always will be.  I just wish you knew.

“Tae…”  Tiffany’s voice sounded strained.

“Hm?  Are you alright?”

“Would you die for me?”

Taeyeon paused for a while and thought deeply.  She already knew the answer, but wanted to pick the best way to word it.  After thinking while staring at Tiffany’s quivering eyes, she answered.

“No.”

Tiffany looked hurt and looked almost as if she would begin crying any second.

“I wouldn’t die for you.”

She paused.

“I wouldn’t die for you because I would live for you.  Being alive is much more difficult than just letting go.  I would go through anything for you, and that means that I would try my best to live my life to the fullest.  I would try my best to make you proud.  I would try my best to pick you up when you fall.  I would try my very best to make you happy.”

It’s true.  I remember my trainee days so well.  I remember waking up early every morning just to practice and repeat the same drills over and over again.  I was always exhausted, homesick, depressed, hungry, and sore.  I was ready to give up.  I ran away from the training grounds.  I wanted to run home.  You found me sitting on a park bench, crying.  Having sympathy, you spent hours trying to cheer me and convince me to stay.  Somehow, you managed to succeed.  Now, I’m the leader of Girls’ Generation; the group that was called the Queens of Kpop, a group that started a cultural phenomenon, the chart toppers, and to some of our SONEs…  The best group in the world.  I have my own title as the OST Queen.  This is all thanks to you.  If you hadn’t come looking for me that one night, if you hadn’t stayed with me, if you hadn’t left early from training that day, if you didn’t care for me, if we never met…  I would have never gotten here.

I owe you so much and I’m very grateful for meeting you.  You mean the world to me.  I just wish you knew.

“Yah, Taeyeon, stop playing so many video games!  It’s not good for your eyes!”  Tiffany complained.

“But they’re fun!  You should try them too.  I think you’d like this one.”  Taeyeon’s eyes remained on the screen.

“I can’t my eyes hurt when I play for more than ten minutes.”

“Blink.”

“Ugh, fine.  Keep playing.  See if I care.”  Tiffany started heading for the door.

“Wait.”

Tiffany stopped.

“What?”

“Sorry, Fany.  I’ll stop.  I won’t play anymore video games.  Thanks for worrying about me.”  Taeyeon turned off the computer and gave Tiffany a hug.

For two years, I haven’t played a single video game.  The time that I had was spent well.  I put it into making you as happy as I could.  I can honestly say that even if it were difficult, I really enjoyed it.  Even staying up late to the point where I started seeing things at night didn’t bother me since I stayed up with you.  I would give up anything just to make you a little happier.  I just wish you knew.

_________________________

The weekend had arrived and Taeyeon had gotten sick again.  The Japan tour had taken a lot out of Taeyeon and the lack of sleep definitely made her more vulnerable to viruses.

“Taeyeon, you’re heating up.  The fever’s getting worse.”

“Ehh, Tiffany, I’m alright.  I think I just need some rest.”

“Hey, you’re shivering.  You have to make sure to keep warm!”  Tiffany pulled the cover up higher so that it would reach Taeyeon’s chin.

“I still feel c-c-c-cold.”

“Do you want the chicken soup I made for you?  Or is your appetite still…”

“Thank you, but I’m not hungry just yet.”  Taeyeon sat up.

“Hey, lie back down.  You have to get some rest.”

“I’m not tired.”

“You have to sleep!”

“I don’t wanna!”  Taeyeon shook her head back and forth.

“Taeyeon, you kid!  You have to rest!”

“I’m cold.”  Taeyeon knew very well that she needed to sleep.  She was tired.  But she really wanted a hug from Tiffany.  To her surprise, Tiffany lifted the covers and crawled in next to her.

“Don’t get too close.  I’m s-”

“I don’t care.”  Tiffany leaned over and wrapped her arms around Taeyeon.

“T-T-Tiffany.  What are you doing?”

“I’m keeping you warm.  Just like you did for me when it rained.”

Taeyeon’s breaths became shorter and her heart was pounding.  She wondered if Tiffany could hear it.  Surely enough, she could feel it.

“Why does your heart beat so much faster at random times?”  She put her hand on Taeyeon’s chest and felt the pulses go faster and faster.

“Not random times…”

Tiffany looked at Taeyeon with curiosity.

“Taeyeon you’re so cute.  Hahaha.”  Tiffany smiled and laughed which only made Taeyeon’s heart beat even faster.

“Eh…  Mhm!”

“Whoa!  Taeyeon, your heartbeat!”

“Heart- what?”

At this point Taeyeon’s vision was unstable and the entire world was spinning around her.  Everything was a blur…  Everything except Tiffany.

“Tae?”

“Hm?”

“Are you alright?”

“Stop moving so much.”

“I’m not moving…  Tae!”

“What?!”

“You’re feeling dizzy!  Lie down!”  Tiffany sat up straight and put her hands on Taeyeon’s shoulders.

“No, no.  I’m feeling better.  Really.”  Taeyeon stopped swaying back and forth.

“I don’t believe you.”

“See for yourself.”

Tiffany felt for the pulse again.  This time, it had slowed down.

“What’s wrong with you, Tae?”  Tiffany sighed.  “Well, goodnight.”

Tiffany pulled the covers over Taeyeon who finally obeyed and lay down.  She tucked in the sides and left.

“It’s because I love you.”  Taeyeon whispered to herself.

I just wish you knew.