Himchan sighed, running his hands threw his hair as he paced slowly along the long hallway. Once he reached one end, he’d make a sharp turn on his heel before walking back to the other end. With each turn, a new thought would join the complete jumbled mess that was already in his head and Himchan would let out yet again, another sigh.

On the 16^th, or maybe it was 28^th?, pass down the hallway, a door finally opened.

“Hyung, will you please stop pacing, it’s driving me insane.”

Himchan looked up, “I’m sorry, Zelo… I just… I have a lot on my mind…”

Zelo leaned against the doorway for a moment before puffing out his cheeks, “C’mon hyung… come talk to me…” He said, holding his bedroom door open wider so that Himchan could walk in.

“I don’t know, Zelo… I’m just… over thinking-“

“I know I’m not Jongup, but… You can still talk to me, hyung…” Zelo said, pouting.

Himchan couldn’t help but give Zelo a smile as he reached out, pinching his cheeks, “Don’t pout like that, Zelo-ah~~ you know I didn’t mean it like that!” He walked into Zelo’s room, instantly flopping down onto the soft bed as he stared up at the ceiling.

“So, what’s on your mind, hyung?” Zelo asked, flopping down into the spot next to Himchan and watching him.

“It’s Youngjae…”

Zelo nodded in understanding, “We’re all worried about Youngjae hyung—“

Himchan sat up, “It’s not that… it’s… Daehyun hasn’t been back in there to see him.. It’s been, what… four days now since he woke up from that nightmare… I barely even see Daehyun around the house myself…”

“Do you check the kitchen?”

“Of course I check the kitchen! I check the kitchen first! But… Zelo… I’m serious…”

Zelo let out a huff of breath, “I know you are hyung… okay? I don’t know why Dae hyung is avoiding Youngjae hyung… but… it’s his choice to, and I’m sure he has a reason… have you tried asking him about it?”

“No…”

“Well, you should… he might be having troubles with sorting out his own thoughts and he doesn’t know how to bring it up to anybody… he might just need someone to talk to…”

Himchan nodded, smiling a little, “Okay… thanks Zelo…”

“Any time, hyung…” Zelo said brightly.

P.O sat awkwardly at the edge of Youngjae’s bed, watching as his friend picked at the sheets that were draped across his lap. He bit his lip in nervous tension, trying several times to open his mouth… to say something.

He’d come to the house several times since Youngjae had woken up, but each time the silence remained between himself and his best friend. Every time he looked at Youngjae, all he could see were the bruises and the physical reminders of what Hyunseung had done and P.O was left with the guilt as he remembered that it really was all his fault.

Had he not drugged Youngjae that night… had he just brought him along with, Hyunseung would have never had a chance to grab him. Not only that, but he’d stood next to the bastard, talked with him so many times in that month Youngjae was gone, and he had never known. P.O felt like it was entirely his fault for not having pushed a deeper investigation on Hyunseung, having not done something sooner.

Maybe if he had, then Youngjae wouldn’t have been hurt as bad. He wouldn’t have the permanent scars and mental trauma that he had now.

P.O sighed again, gazing at his feet. He was just about to get up and leave the room when he glanced back at Youngjae as he nudged P.O with his foot.

Youngjae had spent long enough glancing at his friend and suffering through the awkward silence to know what was bothering him. It was odd for Youngjae, to try to imagine someone feeling even remotely guilty over what had happened to him, and Youngjae was convinced that maybe he was just imagining it. After all, he meant nothing… he was useless and just a worthless waste of space that everyone was merely investing to much of their time to try and deal with.

Still, Youngjae didn’t like to see such a guilty look on his friends face, he didn’t like to think that he was causing P.O any sort of discomfort, he’d obviously done enough damage as it stood.

So when he got P.O’s attention, he looked up at him, trying to maintain eye contact without panicking. “I’m not angry…”

P.O stared back at him, and Youngjae felt panic rising up in his chest as he didn’t reply. What if he had misjudged everything… He was just getting ready for P.O to get angry, to snap at him for thinking that somehow his emotions mattered when P.O let out a defeated sigh. “Are you sure…. You should be…”

“W-Why?”

“Youngjae… I drugged you… I left you alone when I knew EXO was looking for you… I left you unable to protect yourself and Hyunseung was able to just walk right in!” P.O stood up from the bed, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. “I’m sorry, Youngjae… I ed up that day, and because of it… Hyunseung was able to… He…” P.O choked up as he wiped away at his tears.

“Jihoon…”

P.O looked up, finding Youngjae staring intently back at him.

“I’m still not angry.”

P.O scoffed a little, a small smile on his lips, “That’s cause your some sort of forgiving angel, Jae…” He teased, sitting back down on the bed. “Do you think Jongup would let me stay here with you guys… I miss you, Youngjae…”

Youngjae shrugged softly, “You should ask him…”

P.O grinned, “Oh! C’mon Jae! You’re supposed to say you’ll sneak me beneath your bed because you miss me too!” He said, nudging the side of Youngjae’s leg lightly. P.O’s grin widened as his happiness reached impossible heights as Youngjae shrugged, the very smallest of smiles tugging at his lips.

“M-maybe I don’t want you under my bed… you snore…” His mumbled was soft, and he sounded unsure as he tried to tease P.O back just like they used to.

Although P.O could tell that Youngjae was second guessing himself, unsure of taking such tones or making such statements, P.O could tell he was trying. He was trying to be okay, and that was all P.O cared about. P.O reached out, holding Youngjae’s hand as he continued to grin, “Yeah, I really do, don’t I?” It wasn’t 100% okay yet, but P.O was positive that he’d never give up on his friend. His guilt was still there and he still wanted to somehow make it up to Youngjae, but this was a start.

On the second story of the house, a single figure snuck down the hallway. He stuck to the edges of the hall, stepping only on every few floorboards as some still creaked in the old house and he didn’t want anyone to know where he was at.

He’d watched Himchan pacing from the second floor landing for nearly 10 minutes before guessing what he needed to do.

So with a quiet ease, Jongup snuck through his own house and ended up in the room at the end of the hall. He pushed the door open only enough to slip through the crack he had created because he knew anything beyond that and the door would creak with an insane loudness.

But it wasn’t the empty room itself that Jongup was interested in. He was more worried about the window off to the side, the window that as it stood, was already half open. He pushed it up a little bit more before climbing out of it and onto the roof. “Daehyun hyung… sitting on roofs is not the safest place if you just want to be alone.” He said, climbing up the slant to join Daehyun where the elder had even spread out a blanket onto warm shingles and was laying out.

“I know… but I can’t lie in the grass or Himchan hyung finds me.”

Jongup smiled, “He’s downstairs pacing right now…”

“I know… that’s why I’m up here…”

The silence fell between them as Jongup lay back to get comfortable and stare up at the cloudy sky with Daehyun. “Why are you avoiding hyung?” He asked, looking over at Daehyun.

“Because… he’s being an over bearing mother and he’s annoying and—“

“I meant Youngjae hyung.”

Daehyun shut up instantly, staring up at the sky above him as he ignored Jongup’s gaze. He knew that the younger could read him like an open book, and it only took him a few minutes to just cave it and spill everything that was on his mind. “Because, I don’t know Jongup… I want to be right there with him, I want to hold his hand and hold him and just be like we were before but I can’t… I can’t stop thinking about what happened… about what he did… he never even came to see us—“

“Yes he did.”

Daehyun looked over with wide eyes, “What do you mean?”

Jongup nodded slowly, “The first time he went into Himchan hyung’s cell, and had him sign a whole bunch of paperwork I guess so that the guys that hurt Himchan before would be arrested… The second time… Well, we were all sleeping, but he dropped that letter off to Zelo from his mother…”

Daehyun gazed at the sky, “So… he visited hyung and Zelo…” he mumbled, feeling somewhat hurt by the news.

Jongup sighed, “I’m sure he wanted to see you, Daehyun…”

“Then why didn’t he… Why didn’t he at least try to explain to me what happened… I mean… how much was he lying about? Was I just some sort of tool to be used to get his standing in our group? Did he ever even love me—“

“Jung Daehyun. You know the answer to that.”

Daehyun was surprised by Jongup’s tone as he slowly looked over to the younger, “I don’t—“

“He went through torture, just to make sure we were safe, to make sure you were safe. Don’t you dare say that he never loved you, because you are to absorbed in your own self pity to see how much it is hurting him to think that you are angry with him. You gave him one night. One night out of countless nights of constant abuse to think that maybe you actually cared still, that you still wanted him, that maybe you actually forgave him, and then you ignored him again.” Jongup got up from the blanket, “I don’t think you should be worried about Youngjae hyung ever having loved you.”

He stormed across the roof, going back to the window. At the last minute, he turned back to Daehyun, “Sort out your feelings, hyung. All your doing is hurting him more by stringing him along, and frankly, it’s starting to piss me off.”

Daehyun sat in utter shock as Jongup disappeared through the window and left him alone to his thoughts. He stared out at the open landscape surrounding the large house as he lost himself in his thoughts, in his memories.

He lost himself in the thoughts of every time Youngjae had smiled at him, the way he would blush when he was embarrassed, and puff out his cheeks when he was disagreeing with someone.

Daehyun thought about the first time they had really gotten to hang out, just the two of them as they built the blanket fort together and consumed wine and shared stories. And their almost kiss that had been ruined by Himchan.

Daehyun hadn’t had a chance to confess his feelings right away to Youngjae as almost as soon as they had gotten home, everything literally blew up in their face.

Daehyun remembered running back into the burning building, determined to find Youngjae. It was then that he knew…

He’d have rathered died along with Youngjae then leave him in that building, alone.

But, did he still feel the same way?

Daehyun took what Jongup had said to heart. He really turned it over and thought about it, and he fought with himself every day when it became his technical time to spend with Youngjae. He paced up and down the hallway near Youngjae’s door, trying his hardest to reach for the door knob, to go in and just… sit with  Youngjae. To talk with him and spend time with him.

To tell him he was sorry.

To say he still loved him and always would.

Daehyun let out a heavy sigh, glancing down at his watch as he squinted at the date stamp at the bottom of the small screen. He winced as he counted back to the date that he’d last physically seen Youngjae, realizing he’d let yet another few days go by. He’d managed now, somehow, to have only seen Youngjae conscious once in the past two weeks.

He needed to change that.

Daehyun chewed as his lip as he turned down the hallway again though, rounding the corner just as the door he’d been intently staring at opened.

“I’ll have Jongup bring you something to eat in a little bit… okay?” Himchan said as he walked out of Youngjae’s room, quietly shutting the door behind himself.

Daehyun leaned against the wall, pressing the back of his head to the cool surface as he let Himchan’s words wash over him. The last time he’d seen Youngjae, the younger was on an IV drip and unable to eat… now it seemed like they’d gotten him up to strength.

Daehyun wondered if there would be any more bruises on Youngjae’s face, or if the cuts in his skin had healed up properly.  He rarely saw JB around the house, as the nurse was always either with Youngjae, or in his own room working on his studies seeing as he had the time off and didn’t have to be at work.

Even then, Daehyun couldn’t catch him on his own as since P.O had moved in, the deep voiced male was either with Youngjae or with JB. He wanted to know how Youngjae was doing, if he was feeling okay, if he was still in pain… but he felt the fear creeping into his chest as he thought about going and seeing him.

The anxiety was starting to get to him, and Daehyun wanted nothing more than to just see that Youngjae was okay. Maybe convince himself that Youngjae didn’t need him around.

Youngjae took a shaky breath as Himchan left his room with the promise of Jongup bringing food later. He was quick to climb out of his bed the second one door shut, and went into the bathroom. He leaned against the door as he eased it closed and flipped the lock. He rested his forehead on the wood, taking slow and deep breaths.

Everyone had become so predictable. After he’d awoken from that nightmare, he found himself rarely alone. Everyone claimed they were “just keeping him company” and that they “just missed him and wanted to see him”, but Youngjae knew better. They knew just how broken he was and they didn’t want him to be alone.

‘Not like that will change anything. They’ve only been at it for a week now… they won’t care for long.’

Youngjae shook his head quickly, turning around and running his fingers through his hair slowly. The locks were shorter, and Youngjae looked up at his reflection and stared at the person staring back at him.

Slowly, Youngjae tried to straighten the now black hair that was messily sticking up. P.O had insisted on bringing Sunhwa over to trim Youngjae’s hair, insisting that it’d make him more comfortable to not constantly have the half dyed dirty blonde hair constantly hanging in his eyes. Still, the experience had been brutal for Youngjae as he had flinched and freaked out every time Sunhwa had moved to stand behind him with the scissors.

Next, his fingers traced over the very light discoloring along his jaw, the only bruising that still remained on his face. He bit his lips as his finger tips found the few scars along his cheeks, tracing across them slowly as he inhaled sharply.

He’d been getting more sleep lately, the nightmares not as bad as they had been in the beginning , but the bags beneath his eyes still showed how much he was lacking. Youngjae knew he was only upsetting JB more every time the nurse came in and could see the clear signs of Youngjae’s delayed in healing.

He just wanted to forget it all… he wanted to be normal. Youngjae wanted to be what they wanted. But he was tired.  Every moment he continued to pretend that everything was okay, every time someone walked into the room and his heart would thud painfully before he could see who it was, every time Youngjae remember just how bad he had ed everything up and just how broken he really was… it all wore down on Youngjae.

The worse was when he’d roll over in his bed, his hand stretching out only to find the cold and empty sheets next to him.

Youngjae looked up again, staring at himself once more in the mirror. Despite the clear healing, Youngjae could still see every little thing that Hyunseung had done to him. The words were etched into his skin like a tattoo and Youngjae felt nausea building up into his stomach.

He couldn’t take it anymore. His knuckles were white from the grip he had on the edge of the sink.

‘You’re useless. Dead weight to everybody. You are a poison, Youngjae.’

Youngjae bit his lip hard enough to draw blood.

‘So pathetically weak… they just pity you. They couldn’t care less.’

Youngjae shook his head slowly, wanting to ignore the voice, wanting to believe that B.A.P cared. He slowly reached up, wiping away the tears that had begun to slip down his cheeks.

His reflection smirked back at him, ‘You’re a traitor, Youngjae.’

With the word, Youngjae felt like every cut only his back was being split open and he let out a small whimper of pain, ignoring the white hot sting.

‘He hates you, and you know it.’

Youngjae’s hands had begun to tremble.

‘Why do you think he doesn’t want to see you? You had to practically beg him to stay with you that night… ‘

“Shut up…”

‘Hyunseung was right and you know it. He never loved you-“

“Shut up.”

‘-How could he love somebody like you, a worthless waste of space—‘

“Stop!!” Youngjae slammed the side of his fist into the mirror, barely feeling the split of skin as the glass cut him.

Through the cracks, his reflection continued to smirk, ‘Look at that, Youngjae. More blood… you’re already a murderer. Do it again.’

Youngjae’s hands were trembling as he dropped to his knees in front of the sink and reached behind the small section behind the pipes.

The bottle was small, and Youngjae spilled the contents into his palm, counting carefully.

‘You know what to do, Youngjae.’

Youngjae was slow to nod, replacing the pills carefully into the bottle as he moved across the floor and to the bathtub. He winced at the loud sound of the water pounding against the bottom of the tub as he plugged the drain.

As he waited for the water to fill up, Youngjae stood up once last time, looking at the broken mirror.

The blood on the surface gave the illusion of the red stains upon his own skin, and Youngjae finally felt that he could see himself within the cracked mirror, just as broken and beyond repair. There was nothing left.

Youngjae poured the pills into his hand again, pushing them into his mouth as he swallowed them dry.  He moved to the bathtub with a slow pace, holding onto the wall for support as his body felt heavy and his head was more than dizzy. He bit his lip as he lowered himself into the water, his blinks becoming shorter as he lowered himself backwards.

His heart beat thudded in his ears, the sound still dulled as he willed himself to lie beneath the water. He opened his eyes one last time, staring up at the surface of the water as it rippled above him, rising steadily higher as the water continued to run. The roar in his ears was getting louder with each second as he slowly exhaled, the bubbles leaving his lips and rising to the surface.

He was just going to sleep, that was all. The warm water surrounded him felt nice, almost soothing as he slowly let himself slip away, his heart rate slowing the farther he slipped into the sleep.

His eyes finally closed and the last bubble escaped his lips…

… and then nothing.

Daehyun shook his head, pushing up from the wall. “That’s it, I’m just… I’m going to go in there and talk to him…” Daehyun nodded his head, walking with purpose to the shut bedroom door. His resolved slipped several times and he found himself almost ready to just turn around and put it off until tomorrow.

Daehyun was just about the walk away from the door when it fell open with a slow creak, the crack between the door and the frame just enough for him to peek inside. He raised his eyebrows in suspicion, expecting someone to come out with the way the door had just opened.

Instead, he was met with the empty room and completely void bed as he pushed the door farther open. Confusion grew higher as Daehyun realized that he had been just around the corner since Himchan had left. He’d have heard Youngjae leaving the room.

He looked up at the sound of running water and an odd force pulled him closer to the closed door. “Y-Youngjae?” He knocked lightly, “Youngjae, are you in there?” Daehyun reached for the doorknob, surprised when it wouldn’t open.

“Youngjae… Answer me, please!” He said, a sense of dread suddenly filling him. He looked down, surprised to find water beginning to pool around his feet as it leaked beneath the door. “Youngjae! … Youngjae open the door!!” Daehyun shook the handle once more before taking a step back. He’d only seen it done in movies, and Daehyun hoped for once he’d be able to complete some miracle.

He nearly collapsed in relief as on just the second try, Daehyun managed to kick the door hard enough to dislodge the lock and splinter the wood.

“Youngjae—YOUNGJAE!!”

Daehyun collapsed into the flood of water, dragging Youngjae out of the bathtub as tears began to gather in his eyes. He pressed his ear to Youngjae’s chest, nearly loosing it before he heard the faint thud of a heart beat.  “… ….. breath… Youngjae… damnit, breath!” Daehyun leaned close, leaning his cheek close to Youngjae’s face to try to feel his breath. When none came, Daehyun let out a desperate sob, his hands clasping over Youngjae’s heart as he pressed down with force. He counted quickly before moving down, sealing his lips against Youngjae’s as he gave him the first breath, moving back to the chest compressions as he continued to give him CPR.

By now, he could hear the faint sounds of someone coming into the room, but the noises were mere background noise as he continued to give Youngjae breath after breath.

“Youngjae… please… please… don’t go… please…” Daehyun was crying harder now, his hands shaking as he desperately tried to get Youngjae to breathe on his own.

There was a soft hand on his back, and Daehyun didn’t even spare a glance at JB as the nurse stared sadly at Youngjae, checking his vitals much as Daehyun had done.

“D-Dae…. I don’t think… I think he’s gon—“

“No! NO HE ISN’T!” Daehyun cried. He leaned down again, giving Youngjae yet another breath. He paused this time, his forehead resting on the younger’s as he held his face in his hands, “P-please, Jae… come back to me… p-please…” Daehyun kissed the cold lips beneath his, holding back a sob at the lack of response, of the lack of life there. “Yoo Youngjae… D-Don’t do th-this… p-please… I ca-can’t… I don’t wa-nt to li-live without you… Please!!”

Daehyun kissed him one last time, putting everything he had into it. Every time that Youngjae had smiled at him, the way that his heart beat at unnatural rhythms when he was near. The way Youngjae would hold his hand even when his palms were sweaty, and stay in his arms at night even when he snored. Every time Youngjae had kissed him, whispered that he loved him. Every morning Daehyun got to wake up to Youngjae in his arms, and the countless nights they had fallen asleep tangled with one another. The memories were painful, and Daehyun found himself sobbing as he pressed another kiss to Youngjae's lips.

Youngjae was always by his side, there to catch him any time he fell with a smile on his face and nothing but love to offer, and Daehyun had taken it for granted. He’d let one little thing that seemed so insignificant try to cloud his feelings and all he ever did was hurt Youngjae more.

He thought he was the only one in pain, the only one with a broken heart and he’d taken it out on Youngjae. He hadn’t given him the time of day, and now it was too late.

“Please don't leave me.” Daehyun whispered against Youngjae’s lips. "I love you."

Please don't murder me in the comments, okay? I have a direction... I meant to make this longer but 1) it's already 10 pages long and 2 in the morning OTL and 2) i really didn't have time to make a double update.

So, i'm sorry for leaving you at this cliffhanger, but.. alas, i need to work on the next chapter... but I also need sleep. Happy Thanksgiving... to those of you who celebrate it... otherwise... uhm... have a good thursday!!

Cuddles,

Lynn

Also... I know I'm a bit of a confusing person (read: a little that is sadistic and manipulative) and I've done it a few times now. but... none of this is a dream sequence. I'm sorry.