My thoughts were a mess. I couldn’t comprehend what I had just accomplished, what had just happened. We had spoken, she looked at me, she spoke to me, and I had even managed to touch her. I felt a strange pressure in my chest, and with each step I took, my breathing seemed to increase. I couldn’t believe it. It was all too easy.

I came to a stop in front of my rooms’ door, fumbling for the keys before finally letting myself in.

I collapsed onto my couch, covering my face with my limp arm, my breathing ragged as I continued to think things over.

Eunhee.

I was like this because of her, this was because of her, because we weren’t together. We had to be together, it was how it was supposed to be. Without her I’d fall apart, I couldn’t afford to lose her.

She was too precious to me; every single second with her was something I had to treasure.  

I got up and stumbled my way into my kitchen, bending over and leaning down over the counter, my head hanging between my arms as I continued to try and regain control of my breathing.

I began to pant, trying to gulp down air, my eyes squeezed shut. But then, suddenly, in a moment, it hit me. My eyes flew open and I stopped breathing for a few moments altogether before it returned to normal. I felt like I had frozen mid-air and was hovering, everything made sense to me.

It was Eunhee. It was her.

In the time I had been with her, I had felt like I was in control. My existence and reason to live seemed to click.

Watching her had made me feel strong. When I was with her, I was the one that was in control, she was the fragile one that needed looking after. She was precious, and so very breakable, a rare type of glass that needed the uttermost care, otherwise she would shatter and break. I was used to being perceived as weak. I was the fragile one. The one that needed to be handled carefully. To most people, all I was to them was a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off, and I was sick of it. I was in control. I needed to control. I needed to possess. And Eunhee was perfect.

She needed looking after. I could tell, she was struggling, she even said so herself, she even said that things weren’t working out for her, and so it was clear to me that she needed someone by her side to help her, to be with her.

And who better to take care of her then me?

After all. I would do anything for her. Anything to be with her.

I had grown attached to her all too quickly. She made me feel normal. The way she smiled at me, her eyes bright and filled with life. The way she spoke, her soft clear voice, her tinkling laugh, the way she grabbed her long, straight black hair when she was nervous. The way her slender frame moved as she walked, her slim arms swinging slightly at her sides. I already knew. I had already studied her movements and habits.

I was fake. When I spoke to people, I was fake. I was wearing a mask, a fragile mask to conceal my true thoughts and intentions.

I may have seemed cool and calm on the outside, but in my mind I was a churning mess of colliding thoughts and emotions. But in the moment I had set eyes on Eunhee in the cafe, the moment our eyes met and the moment she smiled her heart shatteringly beautiful smile for me for the first time, that all stopped.

My mind went silent, and for once all I could hear was the pounding of my erratic heart. In that moment, I had found total peace. When I was with Eunhee, the voices and craziness in my head stopped, and the high she left me in was better than anything any type of medication would be able to provide me.

But as I had watched her leave, I realized. She was my new cure, my new sense of release, and she was the very best, but I had to keep having my daily dose of her.

And that meant getting close to her.

I had to. I had to be in her life so that we could be together and she could continue to cure me.

I straightened up slightly before pulling open the closest drawer to me on my left. There were knives and forks and all the other usual kitchen utensils you would find, but as I delved down, I came across them.

My most hated treasures.

Small paper boxes filled with pills, sheets of paper covered in small fine print text from my various doctors, prescribing me to the many small capsules I had been taking.

I stared at them, disgusted. They had been doing nothing to help. They were lies, and I had been fed those lies for too long.

I was afraid. I couldn’t afford to lose her. My real medication was probably living her own life, doing her own things, laughing, smiling and making other people better. And I wasn’t there with her. Instead I was stuck staring at the lifeless white pills that I had sitting at the bottom of my drawer, forgotten and ignored. I was so afraid. Because if I went back onto them, I’d probably forget her. All that the pills did to me was numb me temporarily.

But not Eunhee.

She made me come to life.

She was it, the only thing, the only cure I would ever want and need.  In my head, things had already been set into motion, and soon I would be with her.

Because, really, how could you disagree?

We were meant for each other.

 

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