She gave her a sharp look, "I swear to God I will drag your face against the cold and hard pavement, vicously slap the unfortunate thing you apparently have the bad habit of calling your face, and throw you under a bridge to be eaten alive by a giant squid if you don't stop talking." Jessica does not like being violently awakened at the crack of dawn to be lectured and forced to pack her damn things because only pathetic people in society would actually enjoy that sort of unjust and cruel treatment.

 

 

Sooyoung chose to ignore that very violent and most probably truthful threat, sat down like a peasant, her laptop and stopped Jessica from packing her Daniel Henney underwear, "You know, those boys will see that and they will laugh at your misfortune."

 

 

"I fail to see your point, really."

 

 

The taller one heaved a long sigh, "Fine, take it with you. You might as well bring your One Direction bra too if you plan on embarrassing yourself to the ground even more."

 

 

Jessica indignantly stated, "That was the first thing I packed, you ."

 

 

Stunned, Sooyoung stared at Jessica and then at her opened suitcase and then back to an impatient Jessica again, "I really do wonder how people still consider you classy."

 

"Don't question their amazing taste. Anyways, I don't have to leave for my W Korea photoshoot until 11 am, why did you choose to wake me up at an ungodly hour again?"

 

 

Sooyoung suddenly remembered why she sacrificed her sleep and why she even her laptop in the first place, "Ah! We're gonna learn about Exo. We're gonna search for their fansites, blogs dedicated to them, performances, interviews and basically their everything. We need you to know who you're dealing with and since you are the only girl, you're gonna be in a rough and ually filled crazy ride."

 

The Ice Princess gave her a sarcastic look, "So you're saying that you woke me up 5 hours before I actually needed to be awake, lectured me on your non-existent beautiful and womanly nest, and abused me to no end just so we can stalk idols that we work with?"

 

 

"... That's about right."

 

 

"Oh fine! You are so gonna get killed right after," Jessica had no choice, Sooyoung somehow pulled out a knife from underneath her bed, "Just put down that knife and stop looking like a serial killer. Why the do you even have a knife?"

 

 

 

"So I can cut up food before I sleep duh"

 

Jessica chose to ignore that and walked closer to Sooyoung and her laptop, which had the member profiles of Exo opened, leaving her things scattered all over the bed and floor, "So what are we gonna do?"

 

Sooyoung stood up and motioned Jessica to take her seat, "V.I.P. seats for Lady Jung." Jessica had no choice but to slap her because peasants are gross. 

 

"Ouch! This is the last time I'm calling you Lady Ju- Ow! Stop hitting my face! You're just jealous because my face is prettier."

 

"For the last time, no one is jealous of your anything because you are pathetic and in need of psychiatric help. Oh and I am the 5th most beautiful woman in the world what are you talking about?"

 

"Fine fine just go study the boys. I'll be back in 20 minutes, I wanna eat something..." She had no choice but to give up because Sica's words were partially truthful to some extent anyway. Might as well get something to fill the bottemless pit she calls her stomach.

 

Jessica sighed and went back to reading about the boys. This is not a good way to start the morning.

 

 

 

'Hmmm, okay I'll just learn about them. Kim Minseok or Xiumin is in Exo-M but is Korean. He really looks like a bun in person and in pictures... I wanna eat him. Ok nevermind it's weird. He is a dancer and singer, his signature move is the wiggle? Well then. I'll just move on. Next is Luhan, he is a lead singer and lead dancer. He is apparently 23... Dafuq? What kind of vampire is this? I thought he was 12 years old when I first saw him, how is this even possible? When I see him, I'll force him to tell me where the fountain of youth is, that is some freaky gwiyeomi going on. Next is Wu Yifan or Kris. He is a duizhang. What the is a duizhang? Is it a giant? Must be. He really looks like an angry bird in pictures too. I'll shave his eyebrows when I get the chance. The next one---" Jessica's thoughts were cut off by the sound of her room opening. Sooyoung had gotten back earlier than expected, carrying nothing at all.

 

"Okay Sooyoung, is it just me or is there absolutely no form of edible substance in your possession right now?"

 

Sooyoung sheepishly said, "I kinda ate it all on the way here. Just kinda." It only took 1 staircase to get from the kitchen to their room.

 

"... I expected as much."

 

"What have you learned already?" Sooyoung moved closer to her unnie and looked at the computer screen, "Ahhhhh it's Kris. I heard a lot of things about him. He's apparently Canadian so you can be all Engrish with him and . And he is a fashion freak or something so you two will get along. Ooooh let's search him up! I heard that he has a lot of funny rumors in the internet."

 

 

Jessica gave in, Kris looks interesting anyway. "Okay let's google that up."

 

 

The duo waited excitedly for the results and they were not disappointed.

 

 

 

"BWAHAHAHA ALL OF HIS DERP PICTURES ARE HERE" That was Sooyoung.

 

"Wow he is apparently a girl inside, he takes 30 minutes to moisturize his face? H a h a. Blackmail." Aaaand that was Jessica.

 

Sooyoung scrolled down the google page and saw something that made her laugh like a maniac once again but before Jessica could see, Sooyoung closed the tab, "THIS IS GOLD. THIS IS LIFE. WHAT IS AIR. HOLD MEHHHHH."

 

The other girl just stared at her like she was crazier than normal and asked what the she saw.

 

Sooyoung stopped laughing and smiled innocently, "Oh nothing. I just saw his picture with this girl together and the word..." She stopped in the middle of the sentence because she was a , too bad for her because Jessica started hitting her in the arms.

 

"What is it? What did you see? Tell me!"

 

"Ouch! Geez alright already. I saw the word 'Krissica' okay," Sooyoung moved away in order to protect herself from wild creatures by the likes of Jessica Jung.

 

 

"... What the is a Krissica?"

 

 

"Just ask him, Sica. You're gonna see him soon enough. Just go 'Hi Kris you , what is a Krissica?' and you will get the answer you want. Trust me." Sooyoung wanted to record that moment so bad.

 

 

Jessica shrugged and decided that she'll just ask him when she suddenly remembered that she's not yet done with the other members, "Wait, I only learned about 3 members."

 

Going back to the member profiles, she located Kim Junmyeon or Suho.

 

Sica stared at his face, "Hey Soo, isn't he the leader of Exo-K or something that trained for 7 years like us and Hyo? Cool. He is apparently a grandpa and . He looks easy to bully... that seems to be of my advantage. He is also the one who got a memorial video in their showcase while everyone else had special performances. He is a lead singer and is the awkward spokesperson. I don't know about you but that fits." Sooyoung nodded next to her saying, "He really looks easy to manipulate. Have fun, Sica."

 

 

 

Agreeing, Sica moved on to the next member who is named Zhang Yixing or Lay.

 

"You know Soo, I don't know what SM was thinking by naming him after chips." Sooyoung was the wrong person to tell that to because she loves food and she would volunteer as tribute to be named after food. "How dare you, that is food. Respect it . Go read about him or fall in love with him now, you are wasting my eating time." 

 

"Fall in- nevermind. He is the main dancer of Exo-M and likes to space out a lot. I don't know about you but I think I saw my twin."

 

"He can dance. You can't. He is not your twin. I think you are more similar to Kris. He walks in an airport like it's a runway too, you both apparently like sleep and are lazy as hell, he is the ice prince and you are the princess, the height is kind of a miss but he can't draw or dance to save his life like you so there you go." Choi Sooyoung is asking for a death sentence this early in the morning.

 

Jessica gave her a sharp look, "You should've stopped with the airport is our runway, you . I'm pretty sure that the airport is just another opportunity to purchase very expensive substances that is questionably edible for you." That made Sooyoung smile because it's true.

 

Ignoring that pathetic piece of Sooyoung once more, Jessica returned to the site and continued with Lay, "Oooh look, he is also one of the singers, can play guitar and is a composer. Seems multi-talented enough. He also has the power of the unicorn... well that seems too gay to function."

 

"I worry about you, child. I really do."

 

"I will choose to ignore that statement because I hate you."

 

 

"... just move on okay."

 

 

Agreeing with her almost ex-room mate, she scrolled down to see the next member, who was eye-smiling at her. Much to her delight, it's Byun Baekhyun, "HEY SOO! It's Baekhyunnie yay!"

 

"This is the first time I've seen you show positive emotions this early. What did that boy do?"

 

Taking her eyes from the screen, she stared at Sooyoung like she was suddenly too stupid to function, "I don't know if you have selective memory or if you suddenly became too stupid for your own good but you do remember the reason why I'm leaving this dorm, right?"

 

"Well I remember you two almost kissing.." Sooyoung teased. She should really just write her death note now.

 

Turning her eyes away from the tall one to hide her pink face, she screamed, "DO NOT EVER MENTION THAT OKAY STOP ENJOYING THIS. THAT WAS NOT AN INSTANCE WHERE DELIGHT SHOULD BE EXPRESSED. THAT MEMORY SHOULD BE BURIED UNDERNEATH YOUR DIRTY SOUL, NEVER TO RETURN."

 

"Woah, calm down princess. I won't tease you, today anyway. Besides, he's not the one I'm rooting fo- should we move on?" Sooyoung hastily cut off what she was supposed to say, desperately trying to divert Jessica's attention back to the laptop.

 

Jessica looked at her suspiciously, "What do you mean by that? What are you planning?" This was not a good situation.

 

The tall one was internally panicking, 'ING HELL OKAY DISTRACT HER OKAY I'M JUST GONNA DANCE RANDOMLY AND HOPE THAT JESSICA WOULD BE TOO ANNOYED THAT SHE FORGETS WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY OH GOD SOOYOUNG YOU ARE PATHETIC. PRETTY, BUT PATHETIC.'

 

Doing just that, Sooyoung started doing the hokey pokey then the macarena and then she started crumping quite violently. It was not a pretty sight. Annoyed, Jessica stood up and had no other option but to slap Sooyoung in the s. Yes, in the s. "What are you doing? You know, if you're gonna do some weird mating dance, you might as well attempt to make yourself look remotely presentable and find a guy with extremely low standards."

 

Sooyoung just had to accept her fate. At least the topic waS forgotten, right? It was worth it, right? Nah, it still hurt like hell.

 

"Jess, go read about the members now, I'm just gonna put some ice on my s." Leaving the room, Sooyoung was tearfully chanting 'You are an independent woman who don't need no man' over and over again. Life is hard when you're single but life is harder when you're Sooyoung.

 

What was Sooyoung gonna say before she hastily cut herself off from opening her goddamn mouth?

 

It was "He's not the one I'm rooting for." What in the world is she talking about? 

 

 

 

 

Well it went a little like this.

 

Yesterday

 

"Hey Sunny, where's maknae?"

 

"She's in her room, reading a guide on how to be human."

 

"Not that maknae, the other one. And I don't understand why Seohyun insists on reading those types of things, she is never gonna be human anyway."

 

"Seohyun just likes thinking that there is a possibility that she could evolve to our species. Oh and maknae's in SM now, practicing some . Why, Tiff?"

 

Tiffany heaved a long sigh, she was bored and a bored Tiffany is not good for everyone's mental health. Suddenly thinking of a plan, she got off the living room couch where she was stabbing an apple with a knife repeatedly (don't ask) and she went inside the kitchen. Returning to the living room, she brought a big pan and a wooden spoon and banged them together, creating an unpleasant noise.

 

The other girls came running down from their rooms and went to the living room, carrying various forms of weaponry  which are most probably illegal but that's not the point.

 

"A BOMB A BOMB THERE IS A BOMB RUN FOR YOUR LIVES AND CHANGE YOUR NAMES TO LARRY," Hyoyeon screamed. Seeing Tiffany in the middle of the living room carrying a pan and wooden spoon, everybody calmed down, formed a straight line and faced Tiffany.

 

"Okay, we are gonna painfully slap you one by one until your cheeks turn purple before you tell us what you were doing," Taeyeon commanded.

 

It is so hard being bored.

 

After Tiffany got slapped 7 times by her so-called loving members, she made them all form a circle in the middle of the living room and told them her plan.

 

 

 

 

"Let's make a bet. A bet on which Exo member Jessica is gonna fall in love with," Tiffany slyly stated.

 

The other girls like the sound of that. It's entertaining, they can play match-maker and they can see Jessica be uncomfortable. It's a win-win okay.

 

"Alright unnies, we need rules first. This is not a legitimate game without rules to abide." Seohyun will not take part in with no rules.

 

Yoona suddenly shouted, "OKAY! We can't bet on the same Exo members. It has to be different for each one of us." The other girls agreed.

 

"Since there are 12 Exo kids, you can bet on 1 or 2 members," Taeyeon is not that old but she treats every peasant like a kid.

 

"Bribery is not an option, we have to use our own ways to make the Exo member look desirable, though I don't know how we can do that, or to make Jessica like the Exo member," Yuri stated.

 

"Ah, but the plot twist is, we can't have any interactions with the Exo members. We have to leave clues around for Exo or use other people to manipulate them instead but we can talk to Jessica. The harder, the better right?" Hyoyeon likes a good challenge.

 

The other girls thought about it, 'Hmm we can't talk to them because they might find out about the bet and messing with Jessica is fun.'

 

They all agreed that they will use other people to their advantage instead. That also means that they can sit back and relax while they watch Jessica's life shatter. This. Is. Awesome.

 

"Oh and to know who won, Jessica has to kiss that member on the lips during a real date. I'm pretty sure she's gonna tell us if she kisses a boy," Sooyoung also likes challenges.

 

"Yes! And for those who are betting 2 members, there is a higher chance of you winning so you are betting higher money," Sunny also likes money.

 

 

 

Since Tiffany was the one who suggested this, she is the one deciding how much they're betting.

 

"How about 1000 dollars each? I'm American so change your money to dollars okay achos? For those betting on two members, they are betting 2000 dollars but if one of their members win, they get 1000 dollars from each SNSD member as well. So there is a higher chance of winning but higher stakes as well. So the winner will get 7000 dollars, a thousand each from the 7 losers."

 

Seohyun then calmly asked, "So who are you guys betting for?"

 

The girls started thinking, they had to pick the perfect member in order to win 7000 dollars and it's a crucial decision to make. After 5 minutes of thinking, they all reached a decision.

 

Tiffany looked at everyone in the eye before saying, "I vote for Lay. He seems like the romantic type and seems easy to manipulate so there's that."

 

"I vote for Chen. He is already close to Sica and that's an advantage," Taeyeon decided. Aside from that, Chen is a singer so whenever vocals practice together, she can subtly bring Jessica and Chen closer together. This is gonna be good.

 

"KRIS! I AM BETTING ON KRIS!" Yup, that was Sooyoung. Now you guys finally understand why she was talking Kris up (or talking him down) to Jessica, right? Manipulative .

 

"I'm gonna take a risk and bet on both Kai and Sehun," Hyoyeon said. All the girls commended her for her bravery and then commented on her stupidity. Eh, it's her money. As a dancer, she picked dancers too.

 

"Me too, I'm betting on Xiumin and Suho," Yuri boldy said. 

 

"I choose Baekhyun and Luhan," Seohyun softly proclaimed. She knew she was going to win over those pathetic unnies, she has to. She was supposed to use the 1000 dollars to buy more self improvement books and gogumas. She is gonna step up her game and bring any of the two together with Jessica. Even if she has to sacrifice her gogumas and reading time.

 

"I'm gonna risk it and take Chanyeol," Yoona stated. H A H A. Chanyeol is always a risk.

 

"I'm betting on D.O. and Tao" Sunny said. She didn't state the reason because she wants to keep it a secret. D.O seems like he has a hidden personality that could be brought out with the use of force and violence. From their interviews, Tao is a romantic piece of so that's gonna be easy. 

 

So it's decided, they will play and make Jessica's life miserable entertaining.

 

 

 

 

 

Back to the present

 

 

 

Jessica sighed as she turned her attention back to the screen. She started reading Baekhyun's information. Reading aloud to herself, "Mmmm Baekhyunnie is the main vocal, trained for 11 months, capable dancer and has the strongest variety sense in the group. HOW IS THAT DERP LIKE THIS? He is also a SONE, figures yada yada yada.  He has prettier hands than me, this is unacceptable oh and he likes taking showers with Sehun... yeah I'm gonna ignore him from now on." If you listen very carefully, you can hear the hypothetical internal cries of an oblivious Byun Baekhyun. 

 

"Nah, might be too harsh. I'll just steal his eyeliners instead when I get there," she said to herself. Now if you listen very carefully again, you can hear an even louder hypothetical internal cry from an oblivious Byun Baekhyun.

 

Scrolling down, she saw the next member of the Troll Squad, Kim Jongdae or Chen, "He is also a main vocal, also trained for 11 months, self-proclaimed dansheen masheen... well it looks like Baekhyunnie and Chenchen have a lot in common. Pathetic wannabes."

 

"Next is Park Chanyeol... Channie! Mmmm he's the rapper and is an awkward piece of derp. Seems highly correct. He used to room with Baekhyunnie but now rooms with Chenchen. How unfortunate for Chenchen. He was in our Genie Japanese MV? What. Really? I forgot. He also looks like he's on crack. Anyways, the next one is Do Kyungsoo or D.O.... Someone please slap SM for giving him letters as a stage name umm Lay was bad enough ok. He is the mother or 11 daughters and is also the main vocal. He is also a capable dancer and is multi-talented too. He's so squishy I'm gonna dieeeee-"

 

 

 

She stopped talking to herself when Sooyoung came back to the room, holding ice up her s. Interesting.

 

Ignoring Sooyoung, she turned her attention back to the boys and stared at Huang Zitao or Tao, "Hey Soo, is it just me or does he look like a serial killer JUST LOOK AT HIM. But it says here that he cries a lot. Pathetic."

 

"Hold up Jess, he can wushu your to oblivion."

 

"Nevermind he looks nice. Oh and he's a rapper in Exo-M, he likes taking walks on the beach and also aegyo... I don't know about you but he is more of a girl than me. He also likes Gucci, I like this kid."

 

Sooyoung panicked, she can't have Jessica liking someone who she didn't risk $1000 on so she quickly diverted her attention, "Hey! Look the last 2 members!"

 

"Ohhh yeah, it's Kim Jongin or Kai. He is the main dancer and is Taemin's clone. He is the sekshi dansheen masheen and is always . Yeah I don't wanna live there anymore."

 

" it up Jung and grow some balls."

 

"I have a ."

 

"What are you trying to tell me?"

 

"That I have a ."

 

"Do you really?"

 

"Do you want to check?"

 

"Nah, I'm good."

 

 

 

 

Scrolling down, Jessica read aloud, "Oh Sehun is the lead dancer and has a lisp. He also has a perpetually stoned face unless in the presence of Luhan. He loves bubble tea and can be easily forced to perform aegyo. Wow they're all so easy to manipulate, this is gonna be a fun month."

 

Shutting down the laptop, she motioned Sooyoung to her suitcase and forced her to pack up her things. As a peasant, she had no choice but to begrudgingly fix Jessica's .

 

Satisfied with the information and packing of Sooyoung, she went outside of their room to find a half-asleep Taeyeon in the living room.

 

"KIM TAEYEON! YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND RIGHT?" Jessica shouted, causing Taeyeon to be shocked awake.

 

"HUH WHAT oh Jess, yeah... I have a boyfriend. Why?"

 

"I have some questions about boys for you..."

 

"Okay, what do you need to know?"

 

 

 

 

Jessica thought carefully and asked, "Do boys eat food?"

 

"Yes Sica."

 

 

"Do they think?"

 

"Most probably."

 

 

"Do they wear underwear?"

 

"They better."

 

 

"Do they also pee?"

 

"They're gonna pee on you if you don't stop talking."

 

 

"So are you implying that they're people too?"

 

"I swear to God if you don't shut up, I will personally request for you to be sent to an asylum because I will hurt you and I will give you pain."

 

 

 

 

 

"I hate you, Kim Taeyeon."

 

Taeyeon laughed, "No you don't. You are just pathetic when it comes to guys."

 

Pissed, Jessica had to make a burn, "Is your EQ as small as your boyfriend's or are you just a ?" She mentally apologized to Leeteuk oppa, it had to be done.

 

Taeyeon gasped. Oh no she did not.

 

Jessica then smugly catwalked back to her room. Being Jessica is awesome.

 

 

 

 

On her way to her room, she ran into a pink pajama clad Tiffany.

 

"Fany! I have to tell you something."

 

"Is it important?" She has no time for Jessica's now.

 

"I'm leaving today, at least have the decency to be nice to poor, little me." Yes, with the eyelash batting and everything.

 

Tiffany was defeated, "Ugh fine, what is it?"

 

 

"So Tiffany, since Taeyeon unnie refuses to talk logically to me like the mature woman she never was and never could be, could you kindly explain the male species to me and expound on their natural habitats so I could get ready and brace myself for exposure to a whole different species."

 

"You are getting ridiculous. I hope you see them ."

 

"That is the worst thing you can ever tell me, I hope you ruin your favorite pink dress today."

 

Just like Taeyeon, Tiffany was left gasping.

 

 

 

 

No one messes with Jung Jessica.

 

 

 

 

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Hey guys! This is the chapter I promised. The next one should be out by next or next next week. Thanks for being patient and subscribing, commenting and upvoting. Lol guys if I made any mistakes, kindly point it out to me so I can make changes, I don't like rereading my chapters. 

 

This chapter isn't as funny as the others CRIES I AM SO SORRY but I wanted to focus on the storyline 

 

h a h a you guys wanted Jessica to move in but NO.

 

Maybe in the next chapter.

 

Thank you to ForeverAnEXOTIC for the poster! I didn't even ask for one but I got a message that my story was nice so I got a poster CRIES ILY

 

Please comment and upvote!

 

Thanks <3