It took her three months, two weeks, and four days to work out the courage and finally say it.

“I love you,” it rolled off her tongue smoothly. No hint of hesitation or nervousness.

He remembered the day with clear clarity. He’d been spreading the jam on toast and she’d been strumming her guitar. Then, she said it, like it meant nothing in the world. Like it was something typical.

“Don’t do that to me, please,” he muffled her sigh. Breathe caught in his throat.

She had been quite a puzzle recently. Everything he used to know about her — everything that defined her — suddenly changed and he was left wondering how to decode this woman in his home. He wanted to unravel her.

And a confession would only make things even more puzzling. It was dizzying and confusing, especially coming from her. Someone who was once so much broken, so much confused.

“But I am in love with you,” she peppered his cheek with gentle kisses and wrapped her arm around his torso fleetingly.

She smelt pleasantly of apples, he noticed.

***

The first time they held hands, she recalled, was two weeks after her confession.

There hadn’t been any response for her confession, but they both know it wasn’t necessary. He loved her. And she was finally brave enough to admit that she loved him too.

The first time they held hands wasn’t romantic at all. She was so tired and half-awake, climbing up the stairs after a particularly busy day at work. She would have slipped and tumbled down the stairs, if he hadn’t been quick enough so snatch her hands and held it tight.

“Careful,” he whispered in her ears.

She nodded sheepishly, a bit sleepy and dizzy. She had taken a way too long break and her work suddenly overloaded. The stage seemed too bright and the crowd seemed too euphoric. She almost felt claustrophobic today, but she felt at home.

He hadn’t let go of her hands until they stood in front of his bedroom. “How about sleeping with me tonight?” he asked, bold and out of character. He surprised her. But lately, everything has changed: bold, surprising, and definitely brave.

“Okay,”

And then before bed, while she was snuggling nicely under the sheets, he was still reading a worn-out book with the lamp lit up by the bed. She realized she still had her hands in his.

She tried to entangle her hands off him. When he tightened his grip, she looked up and he looked directly at her. Those lovely hazel brown orbs she hadn’t seen for so long felt warm and homey.

“I want to hold your hands. Always hold your hands,”

It was the closest to confession she would get.

***

“Okay,” she said three days later.

She had spent the last couple of days sleeping in the studio, waking up at 2 a.m. to finish her projects, then having a speedy morning to make up for her missing schedules and works. She hadn’t had the time to call home and think about Luhan and their no-label relationship. But she was home now, a bit worn-out and so tired but happy.

“What do you mean okay?”

She smiled bashfully at him as she reached for his hands and intertwined their fingers. She gave him a confident squeeze and took deep breath. “Okay, I want to hold your hands too.”

He squeezed her back and a smile curved his lips. It was a scary feeling to be in love again, yet so nice and his presence felt so warm. He leaned it slowly and pressed his lips to her forehead.

She was blushing and she hadn’t blushed for a long time either. This fluttering hearts and butterflies in her stomach felt strange. Love has never felt so beautiful before. This felt like a good beginning.

Just… what do you call someone who you hold hands with?

***

They shared a bed and they held hands fleetingly everywhere. They shared forehead kisses and she kissed his cheek bashfully sometimes, or the way he kissed the corner of her lips. But it was all they did. They hadn’t kissed yet and they kept their hands of each other at night.

Their first kiss happened on a rainy night. They both were busy with their schedules and rainy night with enough time to spend with each other, tuck into their shared bed, and nestled against each other was very rare. So, when he found her on his bed, reading another worn-out book, he was happy.

She was wearing one of those comfy t-shirts that engulfed her whole being, her hair tied into a bun with loose strands framing her face. And when she noticed he was home, very worn-out and very tired, she smiled at him.

It made him want to kiss her.

So, he climbed to bed next to her and wrapped his arm around her waist. He let her lean into his chest and whisper to her ear.

“You look lovely. I want to kiss you.”

And only then, she put down her books. Face a bit red and hot from blushing. They had both been surprisingly bold and confident around each other. Beating around the bush once in a while, but nothing to hold back.

Four hundred days of her being away was hard to live with, yet if she needs it again, he’d let her go. This person — who he once thought so beautiful — was even more beautiful now.

“Then kiss me,”

He did.

***

“Are you happy?” he asked.

Their relationship had no label. Were they friends? Were they colleagues? Were they almost-lovers? Or were they already lovers? He didn’t know and she seemed to be fine with the way things were going. He was afraid to break it all and put a label to this strange relationship. She might just run away.

“With what?”

They were basking in the afterglow of last night. Still under the sheets, body pressed snuggly into one another. She was warm, but her toes were freezing cold. He put his legs over her and she whined at the weight then cooed at the warmth.

“With this. With me. With you. With us.”

There was silence. Scary silence that echoed through the room. He silently begged her to say something.

“Yes,” she kissed him. “Oh my God, yes!” she broken into a smile and he thought of a sunny day and peaceful morning. She was beautiful.

“This is scary, Luhan. This is a bit too fast, too bold, too brave for me. But I am happy. I do hope you are happy too.”

“I am. I am happy with you.”

“But not with work.”

He sighed, almost pulling away from her.

“Are you ever going to tell me why?”

“I want to kiss you again,”

“What?”

“Can I kiss you?”

She sighed and showed her brightest smile before she breathlessly replied, “yes,” he was an amazing kisser.

***

He was always beat up from work. He seemed sad and unhappy, bored, angry, and just so… tired. She saw the loose ends in him. The part of him that needed to be dragged out of bed every morning and an extra push for him to go to work.

She had been there before. And sometimes, it wasn’t the work that pushed them off limits. Often, it was the society, the environment, the agency, the deals, and everything else related to the “extra” but rarely the exhilarating feel of dancing and singing on stage. She knew that.

She asked, again and again, and sometimes they argued. He always brushed off the topic or his temper got the best of him. They threw mean things at each other and said the dumbest stuff and hurt each other. And there would be fear in his eyes when he saw that glaze of sadness in her.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want you to get hurt,” he would say and gathered her in his arms as if she’d disappear right there or crumble to pieces.

“It’s okay,” she would whisper back because this wasn’t her first relationship. He was not her first love. She knew what it takes for a relationship to works. A fight. An argument.

“Work isn’t pleasant these days. I… I like being on stage but…”

“What is it?” she pushed. “Who is it?”

“I don’t want to get hurt, Jieun.”

She had been in his place before, with loose ends and crumbling word. He looked similar to her, post breakup. And she was afraid for him. Afraid he would crumble the way she did. Finding her way back wasn’t easy. It was hard and a bit neurotic. She struggled and cried and hurt herself. She’s the dark and he’s the light. It should stay that way.

“I have been there too, Luhan. And I don’t want you to get hurt either. You do know I do love you right?”

“I love you too.”

***

The media found out later on, when they were a bit more stable, instead of standing on the shaky grounds of passion and lust.

The coverage included photos of them loitering around town, which she couldn’t remember at all on what occasion it was. They had been very careful, especially since they hadn’t even put a label yet. Of course, dating news on every media front page wasn’t exactly pleasant but they weren’t going to waste their time denying it.

“How’s your day?” he asked as the front door flunk opened.

“Okay, I guess. I’m quite hot-headed as you know. The agency must be in a wreck by now.” She sipped her cup of coffee and passed him another cup. “I’m on break for the next few days until it dies down a bit then I’m off to work again. Yours?”

“The agency is super mad. They bombed me with questions and threats and blames. They’re furious and the phones on their desk won’t stop ringing. The PR team is in distress.” Luhan sighed, taking off his coats. “Say “no” Luhan, it’s easier.” He said with annoyance and sat on the couch with her.

“Well, it already happened. So, the next thing you and I will have to do within the next few hours will be… posting up a good message on the fan cafe, which I already did. And stay low.”

“Are you okay, though?”

“I am,” she kissed his cheek in assurance. It was a bit of big deal for idols dating. She didn’t expect it to take her by surprise and so quickly too. She would have preferred keeping this from the public. It’s safer and better. “Are you?”

“As long as you’re fine, I’m okay with it.” He leaned in and kissed her full on the lips. “I think I’m too much in love with you.”

“I think you’re a bit too much for me. Too cheesy.” She laughed.

“So what are we now?”

“Lovers, since a long time ago.” 

author note

hello to all my readers! It's been a while. In fact, I feel like it's been a long time since the last time I was here. Writing has been tough and very challenging for me. I apologise for the lack of update. I'm a little rusty now, please kindly point up any mistakes you find. I hope everyone is still enjoying this story. I decided to do a time-skip for this one. I couldn't catch up with the plot after not writing for so long. It might be a little off, still I hope you're all enjoying this. As always, please drop by and leave some review! Thank you.