What is kindness?

What is kindness? It was once stated that kindness is a virtue. To be precise, it was stated as a man’s greatest virtue of all time. Kindness, dear, is a kind act, they said. Kindness, they said, is all a human need to live. Kindness is humanity. It was that simple, perhaps too simple that most people couldn’t understand.

She, too, couldn’t understand. If Kindness was simple, why would there be wars and hates? She feared kindness. What supposed to bring happiness dwelled fear inside her. Kindness, she believed, was meant to be a good act. Yet in such a corrupted world, the good become bad, and the bad become good. In such a corrupted world, the simple become complex, the complex become simple. In such a corrupted world….

Kindness hurt her. Kindness was luring and tempting. It gave instant happiness. It was so beautiful and magical. Once, she believed in kindness and longed for one. She was – as everybody else is – beautiful and kind. It was long before she realized kindness wouldn’t exist in this world. She lost her faith. She lost everything. Then, she stopped believing in magic.

Still, she was a human being. What human being longed for was kindness, an act of love, a good act. She waited and waited. She was broken but kind. It was when the kindness she had longed for return, it was beautiful and it healed the broken part of her. But then, she realized kindness was too beautiful to exist in such a world. And so, she stopped waiting. She stopped being the beautiful and kind Lee Ji Eun. She fell to her own darkness.

The kindness she once knew was a kindness of sincerity. Long before she lost everything, the world seemed to spin brightly and wonderfully. Her days were beautiful. She could cry her lungs out, she could laugh out loud, she could smile as widely as she could and nobody would judge her. The kindness of sincerity, when she felt loved, when she felt safe. It was a kindness without any hidden motive that existed only when she was little and disappeared without a trace.

All the kindness she came to know right now has never been kind or good. It was cruelty, hiding behind the pure shade of kindness. It has never been sincere. It was waiting for her downfall. People were being kind in front of her, offering her the heart-fluttering kindness. Yet deep inside, they were waiting for her downfall. They were ready to push her down the rocky road, anytime, any moment.

All she had ever longed for was a sincere kindness. People were disappointing. It hurt her. What they called kindness hurt her. How they backstabbed her. How they pushed her off. How they hurt her. Kindness was luring and tempting. Their kindness grabbed her by the neck, soothing her, yet silently ready to strangle her at anytime. Kindness hurt her.

So, what is kindness? Do they exist?

***

Luhan could feel his shirt stained with her tears. She cried silently, without any silent sobs, without any wailing. All he could feel was her sadness and pain. Her body was trembling, as she held him tight and close. He wanted to hug her back and pulled her closer, yet he was afraid. She looked so weak. He was afraid a touch might shatter her. So, he waited until she stopped.

She stopped moments later. Her breathing turned steadier. He could feel her heart thumping against his chest. When she pulled herself off him, he felt something was missing from him, forcefully taken away. She staggered on her feet, holding on to the doorframe. She looked very weak. He tried to help her, but she refused.

When she regained her composure, she lifted her gaze off the ground and stared back at his pair of orbs. Hers lit up for a beautiful second; he found the flicker in her eyes to be pleasant and beautiful. He had not seen such pair in years. But it disappeared quickly, as it falls back to its darkness. It darkens, not as dark as before, but it didn’t lit up.

“What… are you doing here?” She sounded confused. Then, she repeated her words with a slight anger in it. It was funny, actually, her late respond is.

“I…” he searched for at least one word in his brain. “I heard you came back. It’s spring, so I thought of spring cleaning.” He sounded stupid with every pause he put between each word.

“Spring cleaning?” She was annoyed. “What do you mean by spring cleaning?! Are you planning on changing my room?!”

“I guess so,” he lifted the box in his hands. “Spring cleaning is good.”

“Leave!” She yelled almost immediately. “Leave!” She turned around, slamming the door shut with a thud.

He found the look in her eyes to be beautiful and amusing. It didn’t lit up, all he could see was darkness, yet it was more humane. There was an emotion being dug inside. She showed fear. He wondered what she would fear on a bright spring day. She was a rollercoaster ride, indeed. He let her find her solace in silence before knocking on the door once again.

The door clicked open a few seconds later. He couldn’t read what was on her mind. The look in her eyes was new to him, it wasn’t simply dark. She stared at him as he stared back. He sank deeper inside her darkness. When he reached the bottom, could he hold her hand and pull her out?

“I told you to leave!” She pushed him away. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?!”

“Because I care about you.”

***

Because I care about you.

How many times has she heard those words? It was sweet and soothing. A part of her was desperate enough to believe in them. Yet how many times does she have to be backstabbed by those words? I care about you. Were those words the words of kindness? Do we actually know what kindness is? Deep down, we all know, but how much are we willing to take it? Kindness was a matter of give and take, after all.

I care about you. Those words caused her stomach flipped. It slowly sooth and console her, slowly telling her everything would be fine. The warmth dwelled in her stomach. The sincerity was warming her to her fingertips, her whole body suddenly felt warm and comfortable. The sincerity in those who had once said those words seemed pure and each time, warmth would dwell inside her. It was so warm that she finally felt alive again.

Yet kindness was not the only mystery. Sincerity is often fake, the way kindness are misused. If she turned around and showed her back to the world, they would cringe. Her back was a back full of scars, scars that never healed. She could never turn back, she could never look back, she could only look forward. If she ever showed her weak side, people would look down on her. If she ever showed her weak side, her fans would be discouraged. If she ever showed her weak side, people would stare at her in disgust. A back full of scars wouldn’t be pleasant in the eye, would it? Those were scars given by those who had backstabbed her. She was backstabbed, not only once. She was backstabbed until she finally lost her faith.

So, she wondered if his sincerity was real. There was something about his almond-brown eyes that haunted her. She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t think, her brain stopped working each time his eyes flashed through her head. She would tremble and sink herself deep inside his eyes. It warmed her, yet it created fear inside her. Those sincerities were too kind to be true, too sincere to be true. It scared her. What if he backstabbed her? He showed her something nonexistent. He showed her the kindness she had longed for, the sincerity she desperately searched for. It was too unreal.

She knew she wasn’t supposed to run, yet she ran. She couldn’t stand him, especially with those doe eyes in sight. She hated his eyes. She hated them. The sincerity it showed was killing her. Those were the pair of eyes she had longed for, that she badly wanted to own but never could. It was the pair of eyes she used to have, when she was beautiful and kind. Her eyes would lit up beautifully. Her smile would never fade. The flicker in her eyes was brighter than any stars. It was what Kai had once told her. His reason for loving her was to protect the flicker in her eyes.

I care about you. Luhan’s words spun in her head. Her steps would fasten its pace, running with her ugly pair of sandals. Did he really have to mingle with her business? He kept appearing before her, when she needed him the most, when she hated him the most. What was his reason? I care about you. It was too wonderful. She couldn’t bear suffering from anymore scars and wounds. She has had enough.

What was the difference? When she decided to think about it, there was no difference. Whether she lived in reality, where everything is simply realistic, unpleasant, and pessimistic, or in a fantasy, where everything is wonderful, optimistic, and beautiful. In the end, she still got hurt. She ended up with much more scars. She knew she lived in a fantasy, together with Kim Jongin. Wasn’t it simply too beautiful, to love someone and being loved back? She knew it was beautiful, yet she couldn’t resist the temptation. She fell for the sincerity in his eyes, the magical flickers, and the promises he made.

She was ready to sacrifice everything for him, for them. She believed in him. Her whole self believe in him. Still, she ended up being betrayed, once again backstabbed by the kindness and sincerity. Breaking up with Kai meant she lost everything. She couldn’t trust anyone. She lost her faith, she lost her light, she lost her flicker, she lost everything. She didn’t want to regain it back either. She found no point in regaining what she had lost. In the end, it would be stolen away from her, she would lose it and get hurt again. So what was the point?

If living in a reality caused her pain and wounds, and living in a fantasy caused her pains and scars, where should she live? Perhaps the answer lies within the darkness. For someone who has had enough, perhaps she shouldn’t live. Her eyes didn’t lit up anymore, so what was the point? She remembered dreaming to become a kind and happy woman. What happened to the beautiful and kind kid she used to know?

When her train of thoughts was put on a sudden halt, she realized she had run for so long. She was far away from home. Her lungs longed for oxygen, she was gasping. Her tears dried long ago. She realized she didn’t cry. Despite all the mini-attacks, the haunting pain, and painful memories of being backstabbed, she did not cry. Her body was trembling, but not a single tear fell from her eyes. She wondered why. She didn’t cry at all.

She realized she was only dressed in a simple gray-colored shirt and plain white shorts. She had his hoodie on, covering her face, so she stayed unnoticeable. Each time the wind blew to greet her, she would shudder. It was cold. Why did spring have to be so cold? Where was she? When she heard of the crashing waves, she realized she had run very far away from home. Her ugly sandals looked worn-out. Her feet were red from too much walking.

Embracing the wind, the salty scent of the ocean greeted her. She simply embraced it, inhaling deep. It was a bright day, the sky was crystal clear and the ocean looked beautiful. The ocean was simply majestic, grand, and powerful. It has its own willpower and freedom. Lee Ji Eun wondered how great it would feel, to be so majestic, to be so free. Solace in silence.

***

Lee Ji Eun always has a thing for rains and snows, for almost everything that fell off from the sky. They looked beautiful, she said. She spent hours standing at the beach, inhaling the salty scent, inhaling the crashing waves. She had both her eyes shut closed, her hair blown by the gentle wind, and the sun on her skin. She knew the sun was long gone, replaced by the grayish clouds. She could feel droplets of the raindrops kissing her skin, the wind was growing stronger. She knew it would rain soon. She didn’t run because rain was harmless.

Drop by drop, the raindrops touched her skin. They were cold. The wind was cold. The raindrops were cold. Still, rain was completely harmless, a harmless friend that understood her the most. It didn’t judge, it didn’t speak, it didn’t harm. It spoke of silence, where she could find her consolation and embraced all that has happened. A harmless and soundless friend was the best.

She fluttered both her eyes open and shifted her gaze up in the sky. It was gray and dark. The raindrops started pouring. She extended her hand, trying to catch at least a drop of them. She had a beautiful smile on, her eyes lit up. Hello, friends. She shuddered each time the cold wind pierce through her bones. Nevertheless, she’d smile a beautiful faint smile. When a black umbrella suddenly covered her vision, her body tense.

Someone was standing behind her; the umbrella was protecting her from the raindrops. She wondered who it was or whether someone has noticed her. She shut both her eyes and inhaled deeply. She realized he was familiar. His scent was so familiar, his warmth was warming her to her fingertips, and his perfume smelled so nice. Once again, she was on the verge of breaking down. Her body tensed, legs shifted, ready to turn around and face the man. What she longed for returns.

Kim Jongin decided to take a walk around the town, wandering around without any clear goal. Suzy’s words spun inside his head. It drove him insane. Everybody was hurting. He was hurting, Lee Ji Eun was hurting, Bae Suzy was hurting, Luhan was hurting, and everyone was hurting. The image of Suzy crying flashed every now and then. It was not only her who cried, but also Jieun whom he held very dearly. So, without any clear goals, he let his feet brought him anywhere.

The beach was one of Jieun’s favorite places when it came to releasing her burden. She was a fragile person; she disappeared every now and then to release a fragment of her burden. She’d come here and he’d run to console her. Perhaps, he missed her so much and a huge part of him belonged to her, so he arrived in the beach. It was empty, except for a lonely figure. Then, he realized the lonely figure was everything he wanted to held and see, to touch and feel. It was Lee Ji Eun, beautifully standing beneath the dark sky.

“Don’t turn around,” he stated, pushing her away. “I can’t face you right now. I really can’t.” There was a glimpse of bitterness in his voice.

Jieun silently nodded and stood still. Why did he come back? She was in so much pain because of him. She couldn’t chase away the pain until today, despite the beautiful goodbye they both have. She was okay, she was okay…. She promised. “Did you receive my gift?”

“Don’t turn around, please.” He pleaded. “I… can’t face you anymore.”

“Did you like it?”

It all went silence for a moment or two. Both trying their best to fill in their longings on lusts, inhaling each other scent and presence. Filling the missing piece they both had suffered. And lastly, to enjoy the moment. They knew something like this won’t come twice, or maybe they wouldn’t meet anymore. Under the spring rain, they both shared the same umbrella. Jieun felt her dilemma rising. It was bittersweet.

“Jieun-ah,” he called her name. She shuddered, his breath was so close. “Luhan is a good man. Give him a chance.” He stated. Once the rain stopped, he pulled his umbrella and ran before she could even catch a glimpse of him.

Giving him a chance would be easy. She would like to give everyone a chance, a chance to fix everything. Yet she couldn’t bear being hurt again. So what should she do?

***

When she arrived home, Luhan was patiently waiting for her. He panic when he found her at the front door, all drenched. She was all wet since the rain poured again on her way home. It was cold, her fingertips were cold and her nose was frozen. Her hands were numb. He ran to her while drying her hair with the towel in hand. She remained silent, watching his worried expression while running his fingers through her hair. Careful, not to hurt anything, as if she was an already broken glass. Jieun stared at his pair of eyes, the pair that she missed the most. So beautiful. The sincerity was magical. She found her heart beats and warmth started to dwell inside her. It suddenly didn’t feel cold anymore.

He was about to ask her some questions, when she stopped his action and carefully pushed his hand away. Suddenly, what she feared was not getting more scars. She feared she'd darken his beautiful eyes. It lit up and sparkles. Yet, how much sparkling and dazzling eyes she has met before? How many of them backstabbed her? All of them. All of them. Deep down, she knew something was different about him. What could she do when Jongin also told her the same thing? Still, she doubted him with all her soul.

“Don’t,” she pushed him away and pulled her hand off him. “Don’t be so kind to me,” her voice was so soft and heart-breaking.

“Why..?” Luhan asked. He was a mess with paints all over his clothes and sweats messing with his fluffy hair.

“Because…” she closed her eyes, “because your kindness scared me!” She screamed. “Your kindness scared me! Your kindness scared me! Because your kindness scared me!” She shouted repeatedly while pushing him away.

“Luhan-ssi,” she looked up to meet his almond-brown eyes, “your kindness scared me,” she whispered so softly. Luhan knew she was on the edge of breaking down. Before he could reach for her, she slammed her door closed with a clicked sound afterwards.

Your kindness scared me.

How much broken was she that even kindness scared her?

Your kindness scared me.