“Luhan…. Luhan…”

Her terrified voice kept on replaying on his head. It was only last night – when he knew he had to go to her – which he had to find her being so weak and fragile. He couldn’t sleep, neither could he leave her alone. He wanted to stay by her side, to take care of her over the night, to make sure she will be fine later on. It was hurting him, her in that state. Worse, since all of it was his fault.

Her voice was heartbreaking, it was shaky and breaking down. When she fell to his embrace, when he caught her right on time, the way she whispered his name on his ear was agonizing. He thought he knew how much pain she was going through, but he was wrong. He thought she was broken beyond imagination, but he was wrong. She was much more broken, much more hurting.

He couldn’t get her off his mind, especially after seeing her last night. She was bleeding, yet she wasn’t aware of it. Her legs were bleeding, badly injured by the sharp pieces of glass. Her hand, too, was bleeding. Her make-up was smudge, with tears silently trickling down her cheek. She was trembling and he could feel how scared she was. She was terrified. She wouldn’t have lunged at him, if she was in her right state of mind. Although it has been him cooking for her, he believed she still disliked him. She was untamed and broken.

And here she was, sleeping so peacefully with a thin piece of  blanket covering her petite body. She would moan her mother’s name from time to time, asking her not to leave. Tears would silently trickle down her cheek, as she called for her mom. It was a heartbreaking scene, especially with parts of her being bandage after much injury. Why did it have to be his fault? He was foolish. He knew nothing about her.

What would he do if those injuries never heal? What would he do if her body was covered in scars? He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. It haunted him even in his dreams. He couldn’t stop thinking, he couldn’t stop blaming himself. Why did he do something so foolish? It suffocated him; it killed him, knowing how badly he had hurt her. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. So why?

He should have stopped when she told him to.

***

“You’re awake?” He murmured, his voice was low and husky. He fluttered both his eyes opened, but immediately shut it close. The sun was too bright. It was strange; he didn’t remember her liking the light.

The figure was standing still beside her bed, looking outside the window. He groaned, trying to get a clearer view of the figure. His body ached; he must have fallen asleep on the chair. He couldn’t possibly be sharing the same bed as she was, considering it was small, and he was most likely to be kicked out later on. He wasn’t that crazy either. He simply cared about her and if showing her how much he loved her going to take an eternity, he’d wait. He’d wait until the day she realized how much he loves her.

“Hmm.” She murmured softly, refusing taking her eyes off the windows. He was facing her back, yet he couldn’t complain. He let out a sigh, before widening his eyes only to realize she was standing.

“IU-ssi, are you okay?” He almost sounded too panic, “Don’t you think… you need to sit down?” He knew she must be hurting, her injuries wasn’t something to take lightly off.

“I’m okay,” she softly whispered, which took him by surprise. She was soft and feminine, an opposite of the broken Lee Ji Eun he had known all along. “I’m fine. I still had schedules for today, so I’ll have to practice walking. I don’t want the media to find out and worry my fans because I can’t walk properly.”

“Okay,” he replied, curious of what expression she’d be wearing. He stretched his arm, his back was hurting. He slept in a wrong position and now the aftereffects were coming.

“Are you feeling better?” She asked, while turning around to face him. “Last night, I must have scared you.” She faintly smiled, while walking toward him. She served him a cup of warm tea. “Drink this. I hope it’ll make you feel a lot better.”

“Thanks,” Luhan averted his gaze, unable to look at her properly. “And… last night didn’t scare me. I’m fine, IU-ssi. But are you?”

She didn’t answer this time. Instead, she walked away, returning to her previous spot, by the window. She looked up, it was rainy. The raindrops were dripping down. The sky was grayish. She wouldn’t be able to look at the better sky anymore, no more of the blue sky she used to cherish so much.

Silence took over the whole place. She settled herself on her bed, still looking outside the window. What was she trying to do? She was different than before. She looked compose and fine, feminine and sweet. She wasn’t the agonizing broken woman he knew. Perhaps, she was hiding something. She became unreadable, he didn’t know anymore.

“You know…. My mom used to tell me to grow up beautifully. She told me I should eat well and grows up well…” she started, “And I told her I wanted to eat a lot, grow a lot, and grow up well. I wanted to become a kind and wise adult, a happy one, and fall in love with man, get married, and had lots of kids. Just like my mom.” She trailed, after a long silence. “She told me I could dream of anything, become anything I wanted, as long as I’m happy. She told me to grow up happily, to never look back.” She let out a shaky breath, followed by “flavorless” laughs. “Grow up to be a fine young woman; she didn’t say any of it. Grow up to be a happy woman. That’s what she told me…” She stopped; her voice was too shaky for her to proceed.

He remained silent; he didn’t know what he should say. He tried to approach her, with gentle steps so she knew he wasn’t anything dangerous. He was there to protect her, he wished she’d let him protect her and heal her.

“So Luhan-ssi,” he knew she was crying already. “How did I become so disastrous? Why did I become such a monster? Tell me.” She was shaking, her voice was shaky, she held her breath in so she wouldn’t have to break down in front of him. She broke down in front of him, too much that she was scared he might stabbed her back.

The mug she was holding, it was shaking so badly. The bed was cracking as he settled himself at the other end. He didn’t force her to face him. He knew she could have sense his presence, yet she chose to ignore him. She wasn’t ready.

She could sense him, his presence coming closer. He was warmth and something about his presence comforted her. Yet something about it stirred up her feelings, as if she knew something bad would happen later. He was too complex to understand and she wasn’t ready. She knew he settled himself at the other end of the bed, trying to approach her gently so she wouldn’t be scared. Still, she wasn’t ready.

He lightly tapped her shoulder. She responded, her body tensed up in surprise. She slightly turned around, giving a shade of her to him. He was a man, too. He had the lust to touch her, yet he realized to touch her was something so scary. He realized the fear Kai had to overcome day by day, the fear that she might break over a single touch. The light tap was enough to send shiver down his body, he was afraid she might crack.

He had to overcome it, the way Kai had. His hand trembled, despite the effort he spend to hide it. Once again, he tapped her shoulder lightly. She slightly turned around, but still unwilling to open up to him. She has showed too much of what she would like to hide to him. He knew she wouldn’t want to show another side of it to him. She hated him. It was a one-sided love, which may stay one-sided forever.

“Lee Ji Eun,” he gently whispered her name, tapping her shoulder. His hands trembled as it travelled up to her cheek. He caressed it lightly, with much fear. She shivered at the slightly touch. With a gentle force, he touched her chin, so she’d face him.

Tears were trickling down her face. She was biting on her lower lips, so the tears would remain silent. Her eyes were read, she was trying to suppress the tears. He took the mug in her hand, afraid that it might break. She was shaking so badly, it hurt seeing the state she was in. Her almond-brown eyes were beautiful, yet it looked so sad.

“Do you know how to differ the kind and evil?” He stated, their almond-brown eyes met. “To differ the bad and the good….” He trailed off, gazing deeper to her pair of almond-brown eyes. “Is the flicker in their eyes.” He tugged her strand of hair behind her ear, still gazing at her with the gentlest gaze. “The flicker in their eyes, the light in their eyes…. The light that tamed us, the light that beautifully lighten one’s eyes…. As long as you had those… you’re not disastrous. You’re broken, but not disastrous. You’re sad but not disastrous. You’re off the path, but still kind. That flickering light, you should never lose them.”

Tears were still trickling down her cheek, but his words have taken her by surprise. She stared at him, with the pair of eyes that looked so beautifully broken. It took her another long silence, before she realized she had showed another broken side of her to him. She gently took his hand off her. As she, once again, settled herself in the same position.

“Your pair of eyes,” she murmured.

***

It was noon, when Lee Ji Eun woke up from a short nap. She fell asleep after crying. She felt numb, tired from too much crying. She broke down in front of the man and she didn’t like it. She hated it, how she kept showing her weaknesses. But really his words just now, it was comforting. She felt better, but part of her was chained tighter to something she wouldn’t want to know.

“You told me I wasn’t disastrous. You told me I’m not a monster if… I had the flicker in my eyes.” She spoke with hoarse voice, when she could feel his presence lingering around. “So… why do I feel so attached to this place? This disastrous, monstrous, despicable place.”

“Then… why don’t you go back home or move somewhere?” Luhan tried to persuade her. He spoke softly, so she wouldn’t be hurt. She had enough pain to bear with.

The silence was suffocating; he could imagine her smiling half-heartedly at the suggestion. Luhan knew she would reject his offer, or worse she might kick him out. It was something she and Jongin used to fight over in the past, of how she should move out. Even Jongin failed, so what made him think he’d succeed?

“Go home, Luhan. Go home.” She spoke softly, lifelessly. She didn’t have the strength to run amok and yelled at him. “Go home. Let’s not talk about this today.”

The boy decided to leave without another word. She’d be okay, he tried to convince himself. Hesitantly, he left. The woman remained in her spot, sitting by her bed, next to the window. She didn’t look back; simply embracing every feeling that came passed her. She had never been so calm; she had never been so acceptant. As the door created a click sound, she let out a shaky breath.

She turned around, to find the room empty. Finally, it was her alone. Another shaky breath, she took out a picture, an old one. 15.04.2010. The date was written beautifully on it, which caused her to smile. At least, it was a sweet memory between him and her, before everything crumbled. Flipping it, the word “I love you” was written on it. The handwriting was familiar, it brought nostalgic feeling and the longings to revive back those sweet days. Kim Jongin’s.

***

“How is she?”

The last person he’d wanted to see at times like this became the first to pop out behind the closed doors. It was something he disliked, yet the man deserved to know. Kim Jongin appeared, right after he entered the door. He eyed him sharply, seeing how the older’s white jacket were stained with traces of her blood, blurry but still red.

“Broken.”

The younger let out a sigh. It was shaky. A part of him hurt so much because he couldn’t become the one to comfort him. A part of him was relief; at least she would be okay. The shaky sigh was followed by a miserable smile, as he looked up to meet the deer-like pair of eyes. Luhan eyes were gentler, genuine, and warmer compared to his. Kim Jongin had to admit, he was glad Lee Ji Eun would be taken care by someone like him.

“I know,” he murmured, leaning against the wall. His pale skin tone, his parched lips, his skinny body, he wasn’t anything of what Kim Jongin used to be. “I’m glad.”

“Kim Jongin,” the owner of the deer-like eyes snapped at him. “The next time I save her, it wouldn’t be you saving her. It’d be me. Me saving her.” He snapped, walking past the younger with cold shoulder.

“I had lost.” Kim Jongin raised both his hand, heaving a sigh. “I had lost long before. I gave up.” He smirked half-heartedly, “I do not wish to hurt her anymore. It’s killing me.”

***

“Leave,” the younger demanded. Lay sharply snapped at him, giving him a death glare, although eventually leaves without a word. He knew Kim Jongin has been having a hard time, although his action could be considered questionable, and often overboard.

Luhan was still dizzy, half-unconscious, after the punch he suffered from the latter. Lying on his bed, he could feel the world spinning around. The image of the latter was rather blurry, he groaned, trying to get up but the pain was too much. He wanted to lunged at him, throwing another revenge. He was angry, he had just returned from his schedules, greeted with a strong hit on the head.

“I know,” the latter stated, “I was overboard. But Luhan hyung, you know nothing about Jieun.” He heaved a sigh. “Of course she should eat, but she should eat something good.”

Luhan was about to protest, when the latter cut him off. “Do you know how badly hurt she was when her parents died? I thought I was about to die with them.” Kai leaned against the door. He had this miserable smile. “She couldn’t stop crying, she couldn’t stop staring miserably at the sky, she keeps asking if it was a dream… when it would rain… if dying was a better choice.” He scoffed. “Really, I thought I’d die seeing her hurting like that. I thought I’d die so she wouldn’t be in pain. I’ll be okay, I’m scared but she wouldn’t be hurt. I harbored such a pure and naïve feeling back then, so why did it became like this?”

Luhan practically rolled his eyes at the latter words. It was so much of a fairy-tale like. “And so? I should give up on her because you still love her so much?”

“I love her. I love her so much.” Kai smiled, their moments flashing back in the back of his mind. “You should stop cooking for her. She could never reject it. This… isn’t good for her. She missed her mom, her dad… I didn’t let her meet them, because I knew she’d be broken again. And now… you’re reminding her of them. Your cooking tasted so much like her mother.”

“It’s a funny thing, hyung. Jieun would complain at how badly her mother porridge tasted, but she’d brag for more. It’s just Jieun. A side of her that died.” Kai poured a glass of water for him. “You’ll have to see her tonight. She’ll be broken. I couldn’t be there for her, but you can. So… go to her and comfort her.”

“You know she hated me.”

“The flicker in your eyes is what makes you kind. The flicker in your eyes that tamed me…. I know you’re a good person, Lee Ji Eun. You should protect the flicker in your eyes. You’re not disastrous, you’re not a monster, you’re just off the path.” Kai sighed, “She’d need to hear that.”