Of Betrayal and Lies || Chapter 22 || Beyond Dreams

It was three in the morning, when he found her comfortably plopped herself down the couch, legs crossed as her eyes scanned the book in front of her. Under the dimmed lights, he found the lovable being wearing her thick glasses, tying her hair to a messy bun, pouting her lips as she engrossed herself into the story. It was not the first time he had found her wasting her resting time, yet still it surprised him.

“You’re awake?” He asked softly. He, too, was tired and waking up very early in the morning was not something he’d get used to anytime soon. Six years doing the same thing and he still hated it. She remained silent even after he repeated his words. He sighed, shaking his head, as he approached her slowly. He knew she did not like to be bothered.

“Did you dream of something bad again?” He plopped himself down, a few meters away from her. She could feel her tensing against his presence, then lifting her head up to give him a sincere smile. He didn’t need any words to understand her, he has known her long enough. “Since when?”

“Two in the morning? I just can’t sleep, Oppa.” She softly sighed. She was used to having nightmares. She’d have gone crazy if she was alone at home, but she was somewhere else. She couldn’t spend her time drinking in front of her manager, could she? “That’s why I’m reading.” She smiled and it was bittersweet.

“Why don’t you go back to sleep? I’ll be here if you need anything.” He offered. It was an hour before her schedule start. Being late once in a while should be fine, yes? He knew she needed rest. She softly shook her head as she returned to her book. He sighed again. “You need to stop wasting your resting time, Jieun-ah. You need to rest or else you will be sick.”

“I know, Oppa. I just couldn’t sleep.” She pushed her glasses upward, flipping the page. “And I’m going to finish this soon. Fourteen pages left. Can I?”

“Is it another that ends sadly?” He asked, trying to peek at least a line out of it. She nodded. “Jieun-ah,”

“Oppa,” she cut him off, it was one of the topics she hated the most, especially to be arguing about such a thing early in the morning. “There’s nothing wrong with reading sad stories. I found nothing wrong about it. At least, it keeps me on track. While happy-endings….”

“Give us hopes.” He stared at her, firmly trying to convince her. “Happy-endings give us hopes.” He stated once again, which earned another sad smile from her. He sealed his lips, knowing she hated it.

“Jieun-ah,” He exhaled, “this is the best I could do for you.” He flipped through his agenda, while showing her some of the scribble. His handwriting was so bad that Jieun found herself complaining about it. “Five schedules per day. It still will be tiring. That’s the best I could do.”

“Thanks Oppa.” She was sweet and it hurt knowing she hid so much pain behind, pain she never wished to show him. “But… can I ask for a favor?”

“Of course,” he smiled, “where?”

“Jeju-do.”

“How about Venice, Italy?” He ruffled her hair gently, as how a brother would. Her eyes widen at his words, Europe was her dream. “But you have to work a bit harder for it. Is that okay?” She simply nodded and hugged him.

Their relationship was beautiful.

***

It was the first peaceful morning they had, without any fights or bickers, without any heartbreaks and sadness. Luhan was outside, enjoying his cup of coffee at the balcony. Sehun was with him, his best brother among EXO. Kai was fine. The EXO was once again united as one. Suho was pleased with it, the company was happy too. The loud noise they often created in the morning stopped bothering them lately. The peacefulness was beautiful but some of them found it weird. Peacefulness wasn’t something created for a group of boys like them.

He gaze was thrown far away, beyond the clouds, beyond the twilight. Sehun was half-asleep next to him, his head leaning against his shoulder. The younger was cute in his half-awake state. Luhan told him to stay inside, yet he insisted on accompanying him. Sehun was a good brother, there was something about their relationship that he found beautiful. It was less-than romance, yet greater than what romance can bring. Luhan found peace in him.

He was thinking lately, most of them were about her, part of it was about Kai, while another part of it was about the mystery. How could someone as beautiful, as pure as her hide so much pain? He was curious, yet thinking about it, it was not weird at all. Once, he had found someone, as beautiful as her, as broken as her.

“You’re completely in love with her, aren’t you?” Sehun murmured, half-awake.

“I do.” Luhan firmly replied, even he found his confidence quite surprising. Perhaps, Sehun was the reason for his honesty, for his confidence. Sehun, after all, was his peace and harmony.

“Things got messy around because of her,” Sehun jokingly replied. “She even tamed the so-called Luhan, breaking Baekhyun’s heart, driving Jongin’s insane, and almost broke mine.”

“She’s wicked.” Luhan laughed. The two was a perfect match, both completing each other thought.

“She’s fabulous.” Sehun lifted his head off the latter. He followed the latter, gazing far beyond the horizon. “That’s what I thought when I first met her. Even now, I still think she’s wonderful.”

“I know. She’s just… wonderful.”

“So how are you going to win her? Are you going to hold on?”

“She loves Kai so much. Kai and I have so much difference. But I’m going to give it a shot.”

“Ah, you’re breaking my heart then. Are we breaking up today?” Sehun pouted, earning a laugh from the latter.

“Sorry, mate. I found my soul mate, so we’re breaking up.”

“Argh,” Sehun stretch his arm, “this is boring! I want to pick on someone and make a mess.” He smirked. “EXO shouldn’t be so peaceful. We should be all noisy, bunch of troublemakers.”

“Let’s pick on Baekhyun!” They both said in unison. High-fiving each other, they scrambled on their feet, running towards Byun Baekhyun’s room while holding a glass of water.

A few minutes later, it was no longer a peaceful silence in the dorm. “Damn! For god’s sake! It’s three in the morning!” Baekhyun yelled, loud enough to wake all the members up. Luhan dan Sehun found themselves laughing out loud at Baekhyun rage. Soon, it was as loud as usual. “Oh Sehun! Come here!”

This is true peacefulness.

***

Jongin dreamt to become a dancer because he loved to dance. Chen dreamt to become a singer because he loved to sing. Or perhaps Chanyeol who simply wanted to become famous. Luhan never originally dreamt of becoming a singer or any type of performers. He dreamt of something bigger, of something graceful and prideful. He dreamt of becoming a doctor, gracefully hoping he could save life. However, his dream changed over one night, over one single event. He did not dream of being a singer or dance, he dreamt of being an entertainer.

He once saw the magic of an entertainer, especially those who sings. He was five at the time. He was not born in a luxurious family, who had more than enough money. He was born to a rather simpler one, they had enough money to live, and considerably rich but his parents was a famous hardworking pair. His mother was a business executive, while her father was one of the famous shareholders in China. Still, they were loving. He remembered there was time they would bring him to a distant aunt house. He remembered liking his aunt very much. She was young, beautiful, and kind.

It was once when he witnessed how such a loving woman can come crashing down. Her aunt used to be suicidal, years after he stopped coming to her. He was too little to understand what had happened. His mother never explained him clear enough until recently, when his aunt was healthy enough to get back on her feet. Still, he could not understand. Perhaps, the limit was real, and his limit prevents him for understanding his lovely aunt.

He remembered being terrified each time his aunt scream for help, her voice was terrifying. Her voice was so high and loud, desperate. She was struggling. And each time his mom would come to sooth her. She’d sing for her and she’d calm down after crying out loud. He, too, remembered how he’d cry in his father embrace each time it happened. Maybe that was why they stopped bringing him to the hospital afterwards. They were afraid it might scare him.

He found it magical though, how his mother’s voice would sooth her, or how the variety shows and dramas could cheer her up, or how she’d be extremely happy over a signed album. There were things doctor couldn’t heal, but entertainers could. And since then, he stopped dreaming to become a doctor, but rather an entertainer. He wanted to heal people, the way his mother had healed his aunt. Yet it was not until recently that he realized the consequences of being an entertainer – to neglect our scars and looked forward. Our scars that should never be shown.

His strands of thoughts were interrupted, once he found the tall building in front of him, with a huge banner being placed on top of the entrance door. It was an orphanage, for those who had lost a lot, for those who managed to survive in this cruel world, and at times, for those who were in needs. It had been long since he last came to such a place. He often donated money to this place, yet personally visiting the place was the first to him. It had been years.

It was a simple but clean building. His eyes scan around, to find a woman in her last thirties sitting on a wheelchair, playing with kids. She has been sitting on the wheel chair over the past fifteen years. He wondered how she had been dealing with it. She has such a beautiful smile, a smile that was so similar to Lee Ji Eun’s when she was on broadcast. He wondered if their smile was real. With gentle steps, he approached the woman.

“Li Na Jie!” He yelled excitedly.

***

He once thought psychologists and motivators were meant for optimistic and happiest people. They learn to understand other, they learn to motivate others, they learn to solve problems – no matter how complicated it was. He wondered whether they were simply gifted or naïve. He found it hard to understand other’s actions, to solve other’s problems; to motivate others was even harder, especially when he had met Lee Ji Eun. He found them to be amazing. However, perhaps it was not the case. Perhaps, they had gone through a lot, more than what they meet in the eye.

Pushing the wheelchair, they strolled around the park; the woman was humming in delight, pleased with the wind brushing against her skin. Luhan smiled seeing his aunt that hasn’t grow at all. She still acted like twenty years old at times. Her twenties wasn’t something to be fond of, so maybe she was trying to catch up her pace. His mother would love to see Li Na smiling like this. He wondered if Jieun would be able to do the same thing, one day.

They settled on the bench, in the middle of the park. It was silent and empty, surrounded by lilies, her favorite flower. They were both holding on to a cup of coffee. Li Na stared a while at her cup, before taking a sip of it and moan at the perfection of it.

“Hmm, this is good. I’m on a healthy diet and you’re feeding me this!” She growled, nevertheless took another sip.

“Sorry,” Luhan was apologetic, “You are one a diet?”

“I want to live longer… so a healthy diet should help.” She answered which silenced him. She was once suicidal, all she had ever wished for was to die, and how did she regained the will to live. Her will was stronger than anyone else’s. Again, he wondered if Jieun would recover one day.

“Don’t you think they are beautiful?” Li Na let out a breath, her gaze among the lilies. She knew she had surprised him with her remarks. He simply nodded, stuttering some words, which caused her to chuckle in return. “The lilies are beautiful, don’t you think? They haven’t bloomed, but they are beautiful.”

“They are your favorites.” Luhan remarks.

“Yes, they are.” Li Na once again chuckled. “What do you need, Luhan? This is your first time in years.” She stated, earning a confused look from the latter. “I’m a psychologist, I could look through you.” She remarked.

“I… need advice.”

“You’re in love, aren’t you?” Li Na laughed and he was surprised over her bold statement. “The look in your eyes… you’re so committed to do something for her. I haven’t seen one in a while.” She sipped her coffee and stared at him. “So, what do you need?” She smiled, eyes forming to beautiful crescent moon as her short hair bounced, blown by the wind.

Xi Luhan loves Lee Ji Eun. He’d wait for a very long time, for her to come to him, or at least for her to realize he loves her. She was broken and he’d like to be her healer. He’d like to stay by her side and sooth her, to replace the broken part. He never asked her to love him back. He was okay with a one-sided love, no matter how much pain he’d receive in the end. It was what he thought until this morning, before his conversation with Oh Sehun.

He was not okay with a one-sided love. He wanted to love her and being loved back by her. It would be beautiful. However, he was afraid of hurting her. What would he do if he ends up hurting her again? What would he do if he did the same thing as Kai? She would be so much broken and it scared him. Yes, he has repeatedly reminded himself that she is broken. Still, he didn’t know what should he do. And so, he told everything he knew about Lee Ji Eun to Li Na. He realized he barely know a thing about her.

“You really think you loved her? Don’t you think it’s what we called pity?” Li Na refused to look at the young man properly. Perhaps the story reflected too much on her past. “You were only a child when it all happened to me. I’m sorry if it leaves scars.”

“I don’t pity her. I want to be her healer. I want to protect her. I love her.” Luhan followed the latter gaze, finding himself among the lilies. “There is a slight difference between pity and my feeling for her.”

“You love her, then.” She placed her hands on the wheel. “So what do you want me to do?”

“What do I do to win her?” Luhan was no longer okay with a one-sided love.

***

“What do I do to win her?”

“When you love someone, Luhan, you don’t want to win her.” Li Na explained. “She isn’t a trophy you can win. You should fight for her, but she isn’t a trophy to win over.” She closed both her eyes, exhaling a deep breath. “Prove your sincerity, Luhan. When you love someone, you let him or her choose. They will choose you, if you’re sincere. If you love someone, you didn’t ask them to do anything in return.”

“I…. I used to think I’ll be okay with a one-sided love, jie. And when I think about it, I’m still okay.” Luhan slightly hesitated and Li Na could feel it. “I… I want to, at least, help her. I want to heal her. If I couldn’t, I would like to understand her.”

“Luhan,” she breathed out. “How do you explain spring to someone who has only known winter?”

***

Li Na could only chuckle at Luhan’s obvious answer. He was not ready, she’d say, to understand his beloved Jieun. They both lived in a different world. It actually hurt her to reminisce her past, but seeing how much Luhan tried for Jieun, she knew he loved her so much. It was gleeful to find the boy she had raised to finally fall in love with a woman. She’d hope he fell for a splendid woman, but Lee Ji Eun… she wouldn’t complain either.

“To tell them… spring is magical,” It was what Luhan told and she shook her head in disbelief.

Why would one come crashing down? Why would someone who was so beautiful and pure, so innocent, came crashing down? The world is a cruel world and life is hard. It was true. Li Na believed it was true. She had done nothing wrong, yet the world did so much horrible things to her. It hurt, it still does, if she decided to reminisce her past once in a while.

They had seen the improbable happened. Who would ever think she would suddenly lost both her parents, right after they had a fight? She did not have the chance to apologize. She didn’t had the chance to explain her action and admit her wrongs. Who would ever think her boyfriend would die soon after? She was barely recovering from the sudden lost, when her boyfriend suddenly leave her side. Then, whoever thought she’d be victim of the floating rumors that she was pregnant? People were leaving her; they saw her in a different light. She had done nothing wrong, yet people were disgusted at her. Who would ever thought she’d be a victim of a drunk-driving incident, that leaves her paralyze for the rest of her life? Not in her nightmares, she dreamt of such a life.

She was surprised, unready to accept all of them. They came one after another, when she thought the pain would eventually stop. She was not weak, she tried to stand strong, and she refused to break down. Perhaps, her choice of being reluctant on breaking down was wrong. She was taking it inside. Lee Ji Eun, whoever the woman is, Li Na would tell her to break down every once in a while.

Those who has only known winter doesn’t believe in magic. Li Na would agree that spring is beautiful and magical. Spring was her favorite and she could guess winter was Jieun’s favorite. Those who have only known winter spend their whole life trying to believe in miracle and magic, only to find out they didn’t existed. Have you ever lived in a place where winter never subsides? It is a cold, dark, and dreadful world. How would such a place believe in magical thing such as spring?

And how did she believe in spring? It was over a very slow process, of the effort to pull her off her winter. She was not told or explained, she was introduced to it. It was over her grandfather effort, her family efforts, then a man huge plays that she managed to get back on her feet. She want to leave the world so badly, until she realized she might hurt others from leaving. That way, she wanted to live a really long time, so she wouldn’t hurt others. And how did she believe in spring? Even she still found it so magical and mysterious.

“Introduced her to it, Luhan.”

***

How do you introduce someone who has only known winter all along?

Luhan wondered what those words were supposed to mean. He could finally understand Li Na’s bad past, still he couldn’t understand how she managed to get back on her feet. He doubted she understand it herself. Somehow, she looked sad. There was a mixture of anger and sadness in her eyes, with a slight commitment of not wanting to fall back in her darkness. She was sad. She was hurting. He slightly blamed himself for being insensitive. Still, he’d do whatever it takes to heal her.

Li Na told him that Jieun would be away eventually, that she’d try to free herself from all the pain and burden. She’d run away and she’d run away without breaking down. Li Na told him he shouldn’t chased after her, that he should let her be. However, he was hesitant. What if something bad happen to her? What if she tried to kill herself once more? Yet if he chased after her, would it hurt her? He didn’t want to hurt her anymore.

How do you explain spring to someone who has only known winter all along?

2014 || 06 || 16

Author Note

Greetings to my reader! Thank your for staying with me and waiting patiently. Sorry it took a long time for me to update. I've been busy and my writer block didn't get any better. I'm finally free now, that school is officially over. This chapter is a rather light, less angsty. I don't think this is good (it's a turn over from the previous). So, let's see what you guys think! I should really learn proofreading.