How Long Will I Love You?

ft: canon!yunho/boa // pg

- in which boa refuses to admit her feelings for yunho despite him enlisting soon

(some events did happen in real life, the rest are mere assumptions so pls don't quote my fic xD)

 

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{ Each minute, each second is precious, when I’m looking at you }
- BoA’s (8th Album; Kiss My Lips) Home
- Lyrics by: BoA

She wasn’t sure exactly when she saw him in a different light. She couldn’t exactly pinpoint the time when her mind turned blank as her eyes met his. She didn’t even know, when he commented during Win-Win that he didn’t see her as a woman, his comment had stirred disappointment in her heart; how she has, at that point despite being unaware, already harboured some feelings for him.

One minute she was looking at him and seeing her best guy friend, her support pillar, the one who held her together when she thought she was never going to be alright again. And the next minute, when she looked at him again and he was smiling at her—time suddenly stopped.

There were many things she wasn’t sure of when it came to the change in her heart. The only thing BoA was sure though, is that at this very day, she was in love with Yunho.

But he wasn’t (in love with her).



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{ Only you, I put everything else down, the one and only (person) I can lean on }
- BoA’s (8th Album; Kiss My Lips) Hello
- Lyrics by: BoA


It wasn’t that she no longer loved him, but rather, she was already numb to his subconscious rejection. She was positive that Yunho wasn’t even aware of his doings, especially since TVXQ was so busy with their schedules that they hardly even talked these days. But when he ignored her so openly during the recent SM Town in Taiwan, she was suddenly reminded of everything that could have gone wrong if she had confessed to him back then—the sole reason of why she did not tell him she loved him, he was doing it now.

This time, as BoA stood on stage and forced a smile on her face, she could feel her heart tearing apart. It hurts so badly not because Yunho had purposely ignored her (and on what basis, she didn’t even know). It hurts, because Yunho didn’t even need to hear her confession to avoid her.


So what will happen to her if she did confess?


BoA figured that she would never know the answer to that question, because she would never tell Yunho the truth.



--

  { I want to be by your side, even if we can’t be together, will you remember me? }
- BoA’s (8th Album; Kiss My Lips) Home
- Lyrics by: BoA



It was almost midnight when she caught him practicing in the SM building by himself. She wanted only a harmless peek when she heard his solo, Bang, echoing off the empty hallway, to see his progress. But once she has seen him from the crack of the door, she realized she couldn’t contain the annoyance she had built up from earlier that day.


So BoA, being the only person who could interrupt U-Know Yunho’s practice midway, stepped inside the room and switched off the speakers in a swift motion.

Yunho stopped dancing abruptly, head whipping around to look at the person he had not seen or talked to in weeks. “BoA? Why are you still here at this hour?”


Slightly taken aback at the question, BoA could only wonder to herself when was the last time they actually had a proper conversation together. Everyone in the company knew she was going to make her comeback soon this year, and everyone knew how hard she has worked on her album this time round. Did Yunho seriously not know of her almost permanent stay in the SM building this whole month, or was he just being courteous?


“I was recording for my 8th album.” Which, of course, you would know, if you were still talking to me. 


Yunho nodded, making his way to the corner to drink from his plastic bottle while BoA stood awkwardly at the back. “That’s good.” He said, finally offering a smile. “You’ll do well, that’s for sure.”


Speechless at how formal they’ve suddenly become with each other, BoA reminded herself of the reason why she came in the first place and disturbed his practice. She cleared to speak again.


“I heard about it. You’re enlisting this year.” She said, her voice cracking as she clasped her hands tightly together. She could feel her palms sweating, which in her honest opinion, was stupid—why was she so nervous anyway?

Unfazed, Yunho shrugged. “You know it’s bound to happen sooner or later.”


“I would rather have heard it from you than read it off articles in the internet.” Hurt, BoA could barely bring herself to look at him. “You used to tell me everything. What happened?”


“You were busy, I didn’t want to bother you with such petty news.” Yunho softened when he saw how BoA flinched at his statement; she was hurt, and it was because of him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know this was so important to you.”


“Why would you ever think that this isn’t important to me?”

“I don’t know. Why would it be important to you?”


BoA swore she stopped breathing. Yunho was now looking at her, as if challenging her to spill what has been going through her mind for ages.


“Because you’re my best friend.” Was all BoA could answer as she looked away, heart drumming so loudly beneath her chest she was almost sure he could hear it from across the room.

“Because I’m your best friend.” Yunho echoed loudly in understanding. “BoA, Changmin would still be here, you know that. If you need anything, just holler for him.”


BoA forced herself to smile, though she knew that Yunho could probably see past her. “I know.” She replied as she turned to leave. Remembering that she had gotten a glimpse of his dancing just now, she continued her sentence softly, “It’s late, you don’t have to overwork yourself to perfection, you know. You’re always like that. It’s not your first time performing that song, but you still think you’re not good enough.”


Silence overlapped them and BoA willed herself not to turn around, especially not after the short speech she made about Yunho. The atmosphere was filled with so much tension and awkwardness that she was almost doubting they are best friends—two people that could talk for hours over mindless topics, two people that have seen the best and worst sides of each other. Yet, tonight, they seemed to be more like strangers than friends.


“BoA?”

“Yeah?”


She rested a hand at the doorknob, turning only slightly to hear what he has to say. BoA could see that he was hesitating, contemplating to say what he wants to say. “What is it?”


“Good luck for your 8th album.”


She pretended not to notice that that wasn’t what he had wanted to say. “Thanks.”


When she left the room, BoA was convinced she left parts of her heart behind. She didn’t know which hurt more though; that, or the fact that Yunho will no longer be the one who picks the pieces up.



--

  { I’m getting used to it, I’m becoming indifferent (to the pain) }
- BoA’s (8th Album; Kiss My Lips) Hello.
- Lyrics by: BoA



They had not spoken to each other for a long time.


Perhaps it was because of both their busy schedules or perhaps it was because they had better and more important things to focus on. The list of perhaps could go on and on.

Perhaps Yunho was so busy trying to provide the best for his fans or perhaps BoA was so busy trying to make sure all songs she had self-composed and written would suit her fans and the public.

Perhaps it was because Yunho wanted to prepare BoA for when he actually would be away for two years that he chose to ignore her now. Perhaps it was because BoA realized that the best way to avoid heartaches was to pretend her heart never existed.


Once, when Yeonhee asked her out of blue, why she no longer invites Yunho to join them in their drinking session, BoA pretended not to hear her question. When Yeonhee had repeated the question again, she was forced to shrug and say that TVXQ were too busy in China at the moment. Yeonhee had raised an eyebrow and said that they were back in South Korea last night.


“I see.” was all BoA said. Yeonhee stared on, slightly perplexed and then softly, she asked, “Did something happen between the both of you?”


“I don’t know.” BoA shrugged, a faint smile on her lips. “I honestly don’t know.”

Yeonhee did not ask her any more questions after that.



--



After weeks of not speaking to each other, BoA was surprised to find his name appearing on her phone’s caller ID. It was May 11th, 11.47 pm and she was convinced she had drank too much alcohol to function and think properly.

But when she answered her phone and heard his voice over the line, she became silent suddenly; as if she needed time to process that this was actually happening.


“BoA? I know this is rather sudden but…I just wanted to know how you’re coping with your…well, album release at midnight.” Even Yunho himself sounded foreign speaking those words that BoA had to calm herself before finally saying something to her friend.


“Hello, stranger.”

Pause. “Hey.”


“Did Yeonhee call you and threatened you to talk to me again?”


“N-no!” Yunho was quick to deny that statement. “Your album drops midnight, isn’t it? I just wanted to…”



“Ah,” BoA nodded to herself absentmindedly, the taste of alcohol still on her tongue. “Is that why you’re talking to me again? To wish me luck and success and happiness?” She laughed softly to herself, not at all cautious of her sentence or the tone she had used.


There was another short pause before Yunho sighed. “Are you drunk?”


BoA bit her lower lip, swallowing her saliva and clearing before she spoke again. “I’m not drunk drunk, but—“ She groaned unconsciously, now feeling the pain throbbing in her head. “—yup, definitely not sober.”


“BoA…”

“What?” She snapped over the phone. “Just because I lost my soju buddy does not mean I cannot drink by myself.”


The implication behind the sentence was strong, and BoA regretted almost immediately for saying that. But she didn’t apologize—her statement had been true, after all.


“I don’t mean that,” Yunho’s voice grew softer at each passing second. “You know your album would do just fine on the charts—“

“I don’t care about charts!” BoA raised her voice without even realizing, the effects of her alcohol consumption was finally kicking in. “I care if people like what I produced. Do you like what I produced?”


“I think they’re great.”


“Liar.” She