December 21^th, 2006.

Dear Sang Hyun,

                By the time you’re reading this letter, I probably won’t be in the same world as you are anymore. Do you remember what day is today? 6 years ago, right on this date, it was the day where my life as Lee Eun Jae started to become so messed up. But coincidentally, and luckily, it is also the day where I found you in my life. On that eventful day, I was sitting on the bench somewhere in park, right in front of your father’s hospital. I can still remember how it felt to be crying and feeling so alone like that. To be honest, if you didn’t stop by and offer me your handkerchief so I could wipe off my tears, I might not be able to live until today.

                Do you know something? I was planning to die on that day. I was on the verge of making myself jump off from the roof your father’s hospital. It’s scary right?

                 I was 16 years old, I should be enjoying my teenage life, and there I was, thinking of thoughts that I shouldn’t been having at all. But, there you were also, a 16 years old boy, being quite the opposite, you were smiling brightly as you handed that piece of handkerchief to the fragile me. It might sound fake and insincere, but that smile, it saved my life.

                For the past 6 years, you’ve given me a lot of things. Friendship, love, trust, protection, and the most important is the fact that you gave me a new life. To be honest, you’re far better off without me being with you. I know what people say about me. Lee Eun Jae, the anti-social girl, the crazy girl, the scary witch. Most of the time, you always be there for me, asking me if I’ve had my dinner, inviting me to your family’s home, taking me home every time I left work late. There are so many wonderful and kind things you’ve done for me. I don’t think I could pay you back in this lifetime.

                If after life really exists, I promise you, in my next life, I’ll be the one who will always be there for you. But in this life, there’s nothing I could say, except for feeling thankful for what you’ve done for me. Even that, I’m not sure if I would be able to always have that in my mind.

                Sang Hyun ahh, I’m a sick person.

                My heart and my mind, they’re both sick. I don’t think I’ll be able to recover from it.

                You know that one time, when you asked me the reason why I cried, the reason why I ran away from home, the reason why I shut off everyone from my life?

                To tell you the truth, I’ve a dark past. So dark that it scares me to live on.             

                Six years ago, when my parents were being admitted into the hospital after their big accident, I found out that I’m not their real daughter. Our DNA didn’t match at all. At first, I was shocked, but didn’t really mind about it since I loved them so much.

                But, after a week, I started to get this nightmare, where I saw a little girl, wearing a blue dress, a ribbon on her hair and she was wearing a necklace with a heart pendant on it. She was laughing and running around in a park. Suddenly, there was this huge shadow, it came and starts to envelope her, and took her away from the place. Then, the dream ends.

                Initially, I thought it was just a stupid nightmare. But after two weeks, the dream kept getting longer. After a few days, I saw the girl again. This time she was in a dim room. She was playing with her doll, when the shadow took it away from her. She started to cry and scream, asking for her doll back. Soon, the horrible shadow return it to her, but the different was, the doll was wearing nothing and one of her legs had been broken.

                The continuous dream started to disturb me. So I want to a psychiatrist to get an opinion. She told me that the girl might be me in my past and that broken doll, could be the things that had happened to me at that time. She explained that, there is a probability, that the doll represent the girl in my dream herself. Since the doll was taken away and its cloth has been removed by that shadow, there’s a big chance that the girl was being ually abused by that unknown ‘shadow’. It could be that my mind was subconsciously remembering something from my past that I’ve been forgetting. The dark, horrible shadow strongly symbolizes bad things, or maybe a bad person.

                In short, I might have been ually abused when I was little and I couldn’t even remember about it. At first, I couldn’t believe that. For years, I’ve been living without knowing about it. How could it even be possible? I decided to keep it a secret from my parents.

                A month after that, my father was diagnosed lung cancer. Around that time, I started to believe what the doctor been telling me since I can’t shake off the feeling of wanting to find out the truth. I wanted to know either the dream was just a silly nightmare or if there’s something more to it.

                First, I started to go through my childhood album. I found out that I don’t have a single picture of mine, before age 6. Then, I went to my mother, asking about my biological parents. She told me that I was adopted by my father, before he gets married with her. (My mother is my father’s second wife. His first wife passed away due to a miscarriage.)

                Around that time, the dream kept coming and becoming more and more vivid. I was at the edge. I was considering asking my father about my adoption when one day, an opportunity came knocking. I was on my way to the hospital to visit him, when my mother asked me to go to our old cottage where we used to go when I was little and before my little brother was born. She wanted me to pick up an old drawing since my father kept asking her to bring it to him. Since that place reminds me so much about my childhood, it won’t seem too obvious if I tried asking my father about my adoption when I give the drawing to him.

                The cottage was so dusty and dirty. When I tried to reach for that drawing on the wall, I slipped and broke the frame. Since there was no way for me to take the broken frame back to the hospital, I decided to take out the drawing and replace the frame with a new one. I figured that I should as well surprise my father since he’s been feeling so down lately. That was the time when I discovered an old envelope behind that drawing. It was framed together with the drawing, so we never saw it before.

                If I’d ever know what kind of truth I’ll get from it, I swear I won’t even touch the envelope in the first place. Inside it, there was a necklace with a heart pendant and a picture of a little girl wearing a blue dress and a ribbon. But there’s more to it. In that picture, the little girl, was smiling happily, being hugged by a man and a woman that look a lot like her.

                You know what? The day when I found the envelope, was the day I decided to commit suicide, and also, the day, when we first met.

                Do you get it now Sang Hyun ahh?

                That day, was the day, I found out about everything. The fact that I might be kidnapped by father and being ually abused was too much for me to handle. There’s no other explanation to it. If he wasn’t abusing me, why hide the necklace? Why did my mother, knew nothing about my adoption? And the most crucial thing is why I dreamed about something that I don’t have a single clue about and that it fits perfectly with all the evidence I found.

                That’s why I ran, that’s why I turned into someone like this, that’s why I couldn’t face you sincerely when we both know how we felt about each other. That’s why I pretend that I don’t need anyone in my life, because, I’ve faced the biggest betrayal in my life, and I could not even imagine if I have to face something bigger than that. The damage, it’s too big already.

                A year after I ran away and it was around the time before your birthday, I started to blackout occasionally and when I’ve become aware again, I couldn’t even remember anything that I’ve done in that time frame during that blackout.

                It happened a few times at first, and gradually increases as the time goes by. But, only last year did I find out the reason behind it. One morning, I woke up and I find myself sleeping in an abandoned factory. I have no recollection of what happened, but on the wall of the factories, there are words like “die, kill, , horrible being and etc.”

                The most memorable one was this:

                “ I need to kill the horrible being, I need to get rid of the shadow, little girl needs revenge, I’m doing it for her, I’ll lure the horrible being, I’ll kill the horrible being. Die!! Die!! Die!!”

                The words I saw on the wall, was so scary. But what’s scarier was the handwriting. It was mine. I knew it the moment I saw it. It was me who wrote all of that. Every , every shape of each letters, I knew that it’s mine. But I have no recollection of it at all.

                Soon after that, I decided to find the psychologist who helped me with my dream before. That’s when I was diagnosed with DIA or Dissociative Identity Disorder. My doctor told me that I might suffer from a multiple personality disorder.

                Right then, I knew it. The unexplained blackout, the amnesia, the writings, it all made sense.

                I was told that my other personality could be aggressive, active and hostile. The doctor’s prognosis of it said that I could be dangerous, there could be a suicide attempt, and self-harm. That’s why I’ve been keeping myself away from you a lot more lately. I don’t want you to get hurt. I have no idea what my other personalities is like, but she kept on appearing a lot more often these days.

                I don’t know what the other me have in mind, but lately, I’ve been more aware, and I’ve been having a feeling that something big might happen soon.

                That’s why I decided to write it all here. To explain everything to you, so that if something ever happen to me. You won’t think that I’ve given you up. It’s just that I haven’t had the chance.

                So, I might as well take it here. So that, at least, we’re not meant to be together, I still have the chance to say it.

                Thank you for being there for me always.

                I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you, and for everything I haven’t done for you

                Park Sang Hyun,

                I love you.

                Since the day you saved my life, right now, forever and always.

                Remember that, there always darkness before light. I might be the darkness of your life, I hope you’ll find your light in the future..

Love,

Lee Eun Jae.

                                        *******************************************************************

                Sang Hyun’s tears keep forming as he kept reading Eun Jae’s last letter for him. That night, he was too late, when he drags her out of the water, her breathing had stopped already.

                He knew that nothing could change the fact that she’s gone already. It’s just that he hoped it could’ve been a little different. He was hoping that he could at least say goodbye and send her off with a smile.

                It all happened the day before, but he already misses her like crazy. He doesn’t care if she was sick, he loves her and that what mattered. He should’ve known earlier, he should’ve been beside her. She’s been suffering alone, yet he didn’t even notice it.

                Eun Jae ahh.. I understand it when you say that darkness came before light. But, being in the dark with you was much better than in light without you.

                Eun Jae ahh.. Thank you for telling me that you love me. I love you too.

                Always will.

                He brought Eun Jae’s letter near to his chest.

              Next to him, there was the wooden box Eun Jae gave him a few days earlier. The small padlock had been broken, and inside it, apart from letters she wrote for him, there’s the necklace she told him about, a picture of a little girl and a red diary with Eun Jae’s initial on it. He’ll read it later. That is what’s left of her. That is her memories and her past. That is a part of her and he’s thankful that she had thought of giving it to him.