"There’s only one person in my heart and that’s you

Just by seeing your smile, I smile as well..."

-Teen Top, Baby U

POV (Byung)
Imagine having everything you ever wanted in life. Well, for me, that was reality. I had a husband who loved and cared about me. A lovely house. At my favourite place in the world. Everything, everything was perfect but I never mentioned, I felt like it would taint everything if I admitted it. Nearly everything I ever cared about was taken away from me: my immediate family, my 'friends' and even my heart. Growing up with aspergers was hard and everyday people would tease me and I used to be confident and tell them "you'll be my workers when I'm rich" but that just made the jabs even more brutal.

After years and years, I finally learned to turn my cheek and ignore them. No one spoke to me. Not even the geeks. Until Chanhee... The very first time I saw him- sat on my log, looking at the stars- I thought "great, another thing taken away from me" while I walked up and prayed he wouldn't notice me so that I could have a few milliseconds of solace of peace, he did something no one had ever done before. He wanted to speak to me. "...Hello!" he said eagerly as he advanced towards me, with this amazing toothy smile. Not believing that he was genuine, I walked away, and he called after me “Wait don’t go!” he pleaded. I turned around to him and for the first time in my whole entire life, I felt wanted, needed. How could I leave him high and dry?

My heart began to thump like never before. I existed again.

‘Uwa, that was so long ago’ I thought to myself while I sat on that same log, same place, as the day we first met. Since Chan was out working, I had a lot of time to myself, it was really boring but when Chan got back and my heart started doing somersaults on me I didn’t care. The only thing that ever bothered me was when me and Chan would argue or something and he would get this sombre look in his eyes that said “Talk to me Byunghun” and I never ever could. As much as it tore at my heart, I could barely ever tell him how I felt at times. Spending my whole life holding it all in, well, that made it even harder. I hated to disappoint him after all he’s done for me but I just can’t. Maybe I should get some therapy for it or something? Yeah! I declared in my head and pressed on, back to the house at top speed. When I was on a mission, nothing stopped me.

Though this time, something did. A man stood at the door, holding his hat to his chest as if he had bad news or was ready to receive some. ‘Gulp’ went my throat and my Adam's apple bobbed up and down. I got closer to the door and the figure looked more and more like Chanhee, a tall version, it could have easily been his father- who I’ve never met- in fact, Chan hasn’t even met his father. “Hello, sir. Can I help you?” I said confidently, even though I was scared. “Hi, I’m Lee Chansoo, who are you, may I ask?” he said politely and I wasn’t even sure there were any words. Should I tell this man, who was plainly Chan’s appa, that he was gay and I was his husband. In my mind, I thought better of it. My lip began to quiver slightly as I uttered “I’m his friend, he’s not here right now, I was just leaving but if you want you can wait for him inside?” the man scanned me. He looked like he’d sniffed out my lie. “No, I’ll be leaving too. Will you tell Chanhee I called round. Goodbye.” he spun on his heels and left, as if the moment was too awkward to bare. For him, at least.

My mind raced and I brought my phone out of my pocket, my hands shook. Should I tell him? He’s at work, it’s not a good place to be panicking. No. Not a good idea, later I’ll tell him. That’s the annoying thing, in the moment I can speak as if I’ve never had anything wrong with me in my whole entire life but when it comes down to reminiscing or reflecting. I’m unable to speak. How does he even put up with me? I wondered and shook my head, for some reason I felt tears fill up in my eyes.
Weakly, I fell to my knees. Not wanting to cry I sniffed and sniffed, what was I even crying for? I couldn’t think at all. I shook it all off and stood up. There he was, the love of my life looking at me with sad eyes. Then came some sort of anger, I stood up with a clenched jaw and firm raised shoulders, my fists were red and knuckles white. While he stood confused I stormed right past him, to wherever, I couldn’t be in that moment and see him looking at me the way he was. Not that he had done anything wrong I just didn’t want to be the one to tell him: “Oh, Chan-ah, I met your appa today, yeah that appa you’ve never met, your real appa that your adopted umma forgot to mention for most of your life. Mhmm, he told me to tell you.” yeah, right?

So I walked away from my responsibility. Straight past him, his scent caught me as I stormed past and it made it near impossible to leave...

[CHAN POV]

With my bags in my hands, I made my way up to the house. I felt silly for always grinning and smiling but I was genuinely happy, I always have been. Even when my... Well, my old umma told me that I wasn’t her real son and Daniel wasn’t my real brother, even then I still managed to be happy again. Being happy was my everything and making people happy was my little gift to the world. People always told me I could light up a room and honestly, it was true. But it was never a chore for me, it made me even happier. Nothing made me happier than to hear Byung’s loud, careless laughter, though. Every time I heard the sound and I knew it was me who had made him laugh like that my whole entire body got chills. The grinning didn’t stop for days.

Nowadays, it wasn’t as rare to hear him laugh as it used to be, but every time I heard it it had the same effect. It was like the chime of church bells. The melody of fairies, all the beautiful sounds in the noises joined together to make his laugh so perfect. For some reason, it made my eyes moisten a bit. I got closer and closer to the house, it was quite a trek from the car, and with every step my heartbeat seemed to get louder and louder. I could almost not here my footsteps over it. I knew he would have nothing to do all day and would probably be sat on our log with his platypus and a good novel or two. That’s another thing I loved about him, seeing his little blond head enthralled by a book, with the platypus sat beside him like a pet. He never let the thing go and it just made me feel so head over heels in love, his dedication to the tacky, old thing was astonishing. He’d wake up late and drag his little self to the kitchen, rub his eyes with his fist like a little kid and put the platypus on the dining table.

He looked even skinnier in his jammies and I’d always ask “Yah, Byung-ah do you have any fat on you?” and he’d mutter “Pabo.” and I’d smirk to myself while making breakfast for him. Which he ate, all of it and wouldn’t gain a single gram. One day that fast metabolism will go and I will still love my fat Byunghun. I giggled at that thought as I approached the house. My little blond Byung looked broken. In some ways, when he was upset, he looked so old and grown up. I hated that. Everything felt serious and sad, as usual it would pick at my heart to see him like this. Without me even being able to approach him, he got up and stormed right past me. A ghost past through me, his cold glare cut me in half.