Yoona was sitting in her hospital bed in a daze. They’d moved her out of intensive care and into a private room with security. The doctor’s were amazed at how fast she was progressing. She’d woken up only that morning, but already her blood work had returned to normal levels and her appetite was back. Now her room was full of visitors, including her parents, who’d arrived earlier that evening. As always, her parents had taken everything in stride, including Yul’s presence. They’d always been very mellow, and after everyone else’s tearful and drama filled ‘welcome backs,’ it was refreshing to have that balance in the room. Like her, her parents were sitting there just soaking everything in. Yoona had her blankets pulled up to her chin, but she wasn’t cold. Yul was sitting by her side, and until she’d pulled the blankets up, he’d had her hand in his entire time, making her extremely uneasy.

Jesse and Tiffany were sitting on the counter near the window, and her parents were in chairs on the other side of her. Sunny and Taeng were in chairs near the foot of the bed and they had their youngest daughter with them.

Seohyun was eight month’s old with a dark head of hair just like her mother. The baby was fast asleep in Sunny’s arms, and Yoona couldn’t tear her eyes away from the little girl. Since she’d lost Yul Jr., Yoona had avoided being around children unless absolutely necessary, but it wasn’t because she didn’t like them. She adored children, but every time she was around them, it only made her think of her son and her shortcomings as a mother.

FLASHBACK

“Yoona, does he look like he’s having a hard time getting around?” Yul asked her. She was sitting on the floor at the coffee table balancing their check book.

She quickly looked up at Yul Jr., who was running after the ball Yul had just tossed into his child-size basketball hoop. Yul Jr. was only sixteen month’s old and way too young for it, but Yul had insisted that he have one anyway, and then he’d insisted they out it inside so they could play with it year round. “No baby, I think he’s just tired. We played hard today,” she told her husband.

She went back to their finances, and then less than a minute later, Yul was back on the subject. “Are you sure? He looks like he’s limping to me.”

Yoona looked up again and watched as Yul Jr. returned the ball to his father and Yul shot it into the hoop a second time. Yul Jr. took off running after it again, and he did look like he was limping, but Yoona was still inclined to think it was because he was tired. She shrugged. “I think he’s just tired,” she insisted.

“Ok,” Yul said softly.

A few weeks later

“Has Yul Jr. been more tired than normal lately?” the doctor asked.

Yoona shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so. But we’ve been playing with him more than usual. Classes started up again and we’re not working as much, so we’ve been able to spend a lot more time with him. I thought it was because we’ve been playing more.”

“Has he been fussy at all?” the doctor asked.

Yoona looked at Yul. “A little,” she said, and Yul nodded in agreement.

“I’m not sure if it means anything,” Yul said, “but when we play, it looks like he’s kind of limping a little when he’s trying to get around, like it takes more effort than it should,” he said.

The doctor nodded knowingly and places his hands on the desk. He leaned forward and looks a deep breath. “We got the blood test back,” he informed them. “Your son has a rare form of Leukemia called Juvenile Myelomonocytic Leukemia. There’s no known cause for the disease…”

Yoona watched as Yul leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together, and listened intently. She took a deep breath, and tried to focus on what the doctor was saying, but all she could think about was her perfect little boy.

“Lethargy is one of the many symptoms of the disease… unfortunately it’s very hard cure… doesn’t typically respond to chemotherapy… we’d like to do further testing to find out how progressed the disease is.”

Yoona was getting more and more agitated as the doctor spoke. Finally, she stood up. “I want to go,” she said to Yul.

“Yoona, we need to listen to what the doctor has to say.”

She shook her head fervently. “I want to go.”

“Mrs. Kwon, we have a staff psychologist on site that we’d like you to meet with before you go,” the doctor said.

“I’m not interested,” she said dismissively, then looked at Yul again. “Let’s go.” All she could think of was holding her baby boy in her arms.

Yoona grabbed her coat and left the room abruptly. Yul took his coat off the back of the chair and slowly put it on.

“I know this is a lot to absorb,” the doctor said understandingly. “I’d like to be able to answer any questions you have.”

Yul nodded. “Thank you very much. I do have a lot of questions and I’ll be in touch. I’d like to meet you again. Hopefully with my wife, but if not, I’d still like to come in.”

The doctor nodded. “Of course, we need to discuss treatment as soon as possible,” he said firmly, standing up and shaking Yul’s hand.

“Definitely,” Yul agreed, leaving the room.

When he got to the car, Yoona was already sitting in the passenger seat, staring ahead, a blank expression on her face with her palms nervously rubbing her knees.

“Yoong,” he said quietly, reaching over to take her hand. She pulled away from him.

“You knew,” she stated softly. “You knew,” she repeated. She lifted her eyes to his face, and he saw they were filled with tears. “You knew, and I thought he was just tired.” She laughed bitterly. “I thought he was tired.” She laughed again. “How crazy is that?” she said, the tears finally starting to fall.

Yul jumped out of his side of the car and walked over to Yoona’s. Opening the car door, he grabbed her upper arms and pulled her up, hauling her to her feet. She tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her. He wrapped his arms around hers, hindering any movement from her besides twisting. “Let go of me,” she said weakly.

“No,” he said quietly, but determinedly.

“Yul,” she cried brokenly. She kept twisting and turning, but she couldn’t get away. Finally, she collapsed against his chest. “Why won’t you let me go?” she asked through her tears.

“Because I need you,” he whispered.

END OF FLASHBACK

Yoona shook herself from the memories of the memories of the past, and forced herself back to the present, her eyes returning to Seohyun again.

The only exception to Yoona’s no children rule had been at Christmas time, she’d choose a random children’s hospital without the press’ knowledge and go visit, delivering presents while she was there. It was something she did every year without fail.

Yoona watched as Sunny reached out her unoccupied hand toward her husband and took his fingers in hers. She smiled softly at him. “So, Taeng has some good news,” Sunny told the group.

“Yeah?” Jesse said, perking up. “What’s that, Taeng? Did you find out that one of the babies is actually a boy?”

Taeng laughed. “Sadly, it’s not that good,” he said. Sunny playfully hit him on the arm and he grinned at her teasingly. “I’m loving the girl thing, Bunny,” he assured her. Then he took a deep breath. “You are looking at the newest member of the Charlotte Bobcats broadcasting team,” he announced.

The room erupted into a chorus of congratulations. “Taeng, that’s great,” Fany said. “Does this mean that you’re moving back Wilmington?” she asked, excited. She and Jesse still considered North Carolina their home. They both travelled a lot, but when it was time to go home, they always returned to Wilmington.

Sunny shook her head. “We thought about it,” she said, “and we are considering purchasing a home there, but the truth is, Taeng would have to travel three and a half or four hours each way every time he had to go to Charlotte, and I just don’t want to be away from him that much, so we’ve decided that we’re going to live in Charlotte.”

“That’s nice,” Yoona said softly. It was the first thing she’d said since everyone had started talking. Yul’s gaze had barely left her face all night, and she was incredibly self-conscious right now. She hadn’t even had a chance to wash up, and she knew that she must look awful.

She hadn’t had a moment to herself since she woke up, and she was thoroughly exhausted. Her body chose that moment to yawn, as if the emphasize her thought. Her father reached over and patted her on the arm. “Is my little girl tired?” he asked.

Yoona looked at him and smiled weakly.

“Of course you are,” Lydia said. “We’ve kept you up most of the day.” She noted the circles under her daughter’s eyes and stood up. “We’re going to get back to our hotel,” she said, hoping that everyone else would follow their lead and leave. Yoona needed her rest if she was going to get well. She bent down and kissed her youngest child on her forehead. “I’m so glad you’re awake, honey,” her mother whispered back.

Yoona’s eyes filled with tears. She reached her un-casted arm up and put it around her mother’s neck, hugging her as tightly as she could. Lydia returned her hug, but not with nearly as much strength. She didn’t want to hurt her daughter any more than she already was. “Me, too, mom,” Yoona whispered back.

Lydia pulled back and smiled tenderly at her, then reached out with both hands and smoothed Yoona’s hair away from her face. Yoona leaned into her mother’s soft touch, feeling like a little girl again. She wished her mother could just kiss her and it would make everything better. “Sleep well, honey,” she said, and then stood back up. She looked at Yul. “Take good care of my daughter, Yul,” she instructed.

Jimmy stood up and kissed his daughter on the forehead. “We’ll see you in the morning, sweetie,” he said.

“Ok, daddy,” she said.

With that, Jimmy and Lydia left, and within the next 15 minutes, the room had cleared out except for Yul. To say that Yoona was uncomfortable would be an understatement. She’d been alone with Yul twice today, but both times, she knew someone was on their way to her room. Now it was just the two of them, and everyone was gone for the night. She wasn’t sure what to say, so she cleared . “You can go, too,” she whispered. “I’ll be fine.” Yoona wanted him to say he’d leave so that she could be alone, but another part of he’d was desperately hoping he’d say that he was going to stay. She decided not to analyse that part of her. For now, she’d blame the fatigue. She couldn’t stop the disappointment that flooded her when he stood up and stretched. “I’m gonna go to the nurses’ station and see if I can get a cot brought in,” he said, surprising her. “They didn’t bring the other one up when they moved you.” He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead, and then headed for the doorway.

As Yoona watched him walk out of the room, she sighed in relief then felt the tears behind her eyes. She still didn’t understand why he was here. And how long did he plan on staying? And what the hell was going on with her emotions? Like Yoona had told the nurse, any type of relationship with Yul was not an option for her at this point. But id he kept staying by her side, she couldn’t guarantee that it wouldn’t be.

Yul woke up to Yoona whimpering and thrashing around on her bed. The rails were up, and her foot was elevated, so her thrashing was limited, but it was there. He was out of bed and by her side in an instant. “Yoona?” he said softly. She didn’t hear him, so he quickly put the rail down and sat on the bed. He placed his hands on her shoulders to restrict her movements and repeated her name a few times. Finally…slowly, her eyelids opened.

“Yul?”

“Are you okay?” he asked.

She nodded. “I’m just thirsty,” she said quietly.

He reached over to the pitcher on her tray and poured some water into her cup. He held it for her as she drank, and when she nodded to indicate that she was finished, he put it back on the tray. He took one of her hands in his. “Were you having a bad dream?” he asked, concerned.

She bit her lower lip and nodded.

“What was it about?” he asked.

She shook her head slowly to let him know that she didn’t want to talk about it and he nodded in understanding. But he couldn’t help but wonder if she’d been dreaming about Yul Jr. After he’d died, Yoona had nightmares every night for weeks. And he knew that seeing him here now was a reminder of their son, just as seeing her was to him, but leaving wasn’t something he was willing to do. So he’d do what he could do, which, for now, consisted of offering to listen. He sat there until Yoona drifted back to sleep, which wasn’t long, then he went back to his cot. Yoona woke up one more time that night with a nightmare, and that time, after she fell asleep, Yul crawled onto the bed beside her and fit his large frame into the smallest space imaginable. He managed to stay on his side, but since he couldn’t get the bedrail up behind him, he barely slept. He had to concentrate on keeping his balance so he wouldn’t fall off the side of the bed. The last time he looked at the clock, it was 3 a.m. Soon after that, he fell into a restless slumber.

As Yoona was waking up the next morning, she moved her head from side to side; stretching her neck, and then her eyes flew open. There was an arm across her stomach. And it wasn’t just resting there; it was clinging to her protectively. She knew before looking who the arm belonged to. She slowly turned her head to look at Yul, still fast asleep. The first thing she thought was how uncomfortable he must be. For starters, he absolutely gated sleeping on his side. In all of the time they’d lived together and slept together, she couldn’t remember even one time when he’d slept on his side. He’d always slept on his back, her head on his chest. Her second thought was that the space that he was occupying was barely big enough for Tiffany, yet there he was, all squished up and sleeping. Yoona couldn’t help but giggle.

“What are you laughing at?” Yul asked, tightening his grip and pulling her closer to him.

Yoona’s eyes flew to his face. His lashes were still resting on his cheeks. “I thought you were still sleeping,” she said instead of answering his question. She hadn’t even known he was awake. It would have helped if he’d opened his eyes.

He finally opened his eyes before she could look away, and then it was too late. She couldn’t take her eyes away from his. “Yoona, I haven’t slept in almost four days. What makes you think I’d be sleeping now?”

“Well, why didn’t you go back to the hotel where it’s more comfortable then?” she asked softly.

Yul laughed cynically. “You think I can’t sleep because I’m not comfortable? Yoona, last night was the most comfortable I’ve been in four and a half years.”

She swallowed uncertainly and looked away.

His hand squeezed her waist and he kissed her cheek. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you nervous?” he pushed himself up and off the bed so he was standing by her side.

“You okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” she said. “I think I’m going to ring the nurse, though. I’d really like a bath today,2 she said.

“Do you want me to wash you up?” he asked tenderly.

Yoona shook her head, the thought of him seeing her unclothed made her extremely anxious, he’d seen her that way hundreds of times before, but never had their relationship been like this. “I’ll get the nurse.”

“Ok,” he said. “Do you want me to see if Rosie is here today?”

“Sure,” she said. If he wanted to go find Rosie instead of her ringing the call bell, then that was fine with her. It would give her a little bit of time to find her common sense. She felt like she hadn’t had a hold on anything since she’d woken up less than 24 hours ago. She wondered when she would again. Probably when Yul left, she thought resignedly.