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It had been three months since we started our relationship and each of those ninety days, I tried to find a way to tell him I was sick. I had to tell him because sooner or later, he would find out anyways. He would start to wonder why I didn’t go to school anymore, why I didn’t have a job and why I had been home all the time. I, in fact, couldn’t believe that it had taken him this long not to recognize it.

 

 

 

However, it was probably because he had been really busy. They had debuted and we barely had the time to see each other. If it wasn’t for the phone calls and text messages throughout the day, I would actually consider that we weren’t together.

 

 

 

When we saw each other, it would be usually late at night in my house. We would stay in the living room and just cuddle in the couch. He would tell me about what’s going on with his group, mostly complaining on how tired he was all time, but while he shared about his day, there would be a hint of a smile on his face and I knew that despite how exhausting it was, he was happy he was living his dream.

 

 

 

One night, we were lying on the couch, tangled in an embrace, whispering to each other when Jiyong asked me about my dreams. I started by telling him I barely remembered them when he suddenly laughed, “I wasn’t asking about that kind of dream.”

 

 

 

“What did you mean then?”

 

 

 

“Your dream. Aspiration. Ambition. Goal for the future. That kind of dream.”

 

 

 

I didn’t answer because I had none.

 

 

 

Even before I knew about my sickness, I didn’t remember aspiring to be anything. I was just glad that I had found a family with my mother. That was enough for me. And with the sickness added, I never had a chance to… dream.

 

 

 

“I don’t have any.”

 

 

 

Jiyong moved slightly away from me, pulled my face that was against his chest and lifted my chin with his fingers so that we could see eye to eye, “That’s impossible. There must be something,” he whispered.

 

 

 

“Nope. Nothing.”

 

 

 

“Not even to be a teacher?” I shook my head. “A doctor?”

 

 

 

“Nope.”

 

 

 

“A superhero?”

 

 

 

I gave him a small smile that he returned with his own as I shook my head again, “I just wanted a family, Jiyong. And then, I met my mother and that was it.”

 

 

 

And because Jiyong knew my childhood story, he understood and just nodded. He placed my head back against his chest after placing a kiss on my forehead. We stayed silent for a few minutes. Jiyong was tracing random shapes on my back while I did the same to his when I suddenly giggled at a memory that popped in my head.

 

 

 

Jiyong asked, “What’s so funny?”

 

 

 

“I actually did have one dream.”

 

 

 

“What is it?”

 

 

 

“I thought of it when I first met you.”

 

 

 

“Yeah?”

 

 

 

“I had been daydreaming that I would become Kwon Sandara.”

 

 

 

Jiyong’s patterns on my back stopped when his body froze. I was petrified that I was going way too fast. We had only been going out for a few months after all. I was about to save myself when Jiyong burst into laughter.

 

 

 

“You daydreamed about me?”

 

 

 

The fact that he was still there, laughing instead of running away from my outrageous plan of possibly marrying him, I just muttered, “Unfortunately.”

 

 

 

And that caused Jiyong to laugh even louder. I just looked at him as he continued on probably waking up the whole neighborhood with his laughter while I made a list of things I liked about Jiyong.

 

 

 

I liked his laugh. It was unrestricted, free and full of the youthfulness he would have for ages.

 

I liked his voice, especially when he would sing. His passion for music could be heard in each of the lyric he composed and the melody he hummed. I actually didn’t just like it, I loved it. Every time he sang a tune, I would close my eyes and just hoped that I could hear it all the way to heaven. Or hell. Wherever God decided to place me.

 

And most of all, I liked his smile. It was probably the one sure thing; I just knew in my bones, I would carry with me into my next existence. It was a smile that would make me fall in love with him lifetime after lifetime.

 

 

 

Yes, I loved this man.

 

 

 

But I couldn’t tell him.

 

 

 

And that made everything else hurt even more.

 

 

 

Of course, there wouldn’t always be hugs and kisses. Jiyong and I fought sometimes. It wasn’t my fault I would be throwing up in the bathroom to answer his phone calls, or that my body would be too weak to even raise my hands to look at his text messages, or that I would be having a fever when he would stop by the house, causing my mother to shoo him away without giving a reason why I couldn’t see him.

 

 

 

He would get pissed that we already had so little time together but I was just wasting the chances we had away by doing something stupid. His exact words were, “All you do is watch TV, or whatever it is you girls do instead of, I don’t know, call me or text me. And you don’t even wait for me at night anymore, you always sleep too early.”

 

 

 

That would get me pissed which led to me avoiding him. However, I was madder at myself, because he couldn’t be any more right. Our time together was slowly withering and my sickness was the reason of it all. And to make it worse, I didn’t have the strength to tell him.

 

 

 

I guess Jiyong could be weak like me too because he would always be the one to wave the white flag first. I would see him standing outside the house with flowers, chocolates or balloons. At one point he brought all three, gave me a nervous smile and I just forgot all about our tiff and threw myself at him. After our make-up kiss, he would lean his forehead against mine and would say, “I’m so sorry, baby. It just kills me when I don’t hear your voice or see you.”

 

 

 

After hearing those words, I would just close my eyes and hug him tighter as I prayed with all I have that there would never be a chance for Jiyong to succumb to that weakness and follow me when I finally disappear.

 

 

 

My mother was unsure about my relationship with Jiyong. I was planning on keeping it from her but I realized that wouldn’t be fair. She had been more than a mother to me, my only friend, and after giving her so much heartache, she deserved my honesty.

 

 

 

However, she believed that, just like her, Jiyong deserved to know the truth. She would always try to convince me that I should tell him now, that it would only be harder if I stretched the secret longer.

 

 

 

Today, though, she had reached the ends of her patience, “Dara, he’s the one that you’re leaving behind. He’s the one that’s going to be heartbroken when you’re gone. Him. Not you. You would be in heaven with your mother. Your adopted parents might even be there. You’ll be surrounded by people who had loved you. You wouldn’t be alone. But Jiyong… he would be.”

 

 

 

My mother had tears spilling down throughout her whole speech and even more after that. And that was when I realized that she had finally spilled her own hidden thoughts. I had always assumed that the cause of her agony was having a sick daughter but it was more than that. Like me, she had been thinking about the future and what it would be like if I were to pass away.

 

 

 

She would be alone.

 

 

 

And with that thought, even though every cell of my body wanted to hug her and cry with her and tell her I was sorry, I left the house.

 

 

 

I had never felt this much guilt.

 

 

 

It was my entire fault.

 

 

 

Instead of giving her years of being a mother to a healthy, happy child, I had given her a sick daughter. And soon enough, I would take that only daughter from her. I would be gone and the only thing I would leave behind with her was more misery.

 

 

 

Even if God hated me this much, He didn’t have to put the only person that had loved me in this position.

 

 

 

And because I didn’t want Jiyong to experience such sorrow, I went to him to finally talk.

 

 

 

I waited until their practice was over. I could see that he was so excited because it was my first time surprising him at work. He was getting too anxious to finish practice and would constantly glance and fully grin at me instead of focusing on dancing.

 

 

 

Everyone had left and it was just the two of us in the room. I was looking at my reflection in the mirror and for the first time, I saw the physical result of my sickness and it made me wonder why Jiyong found me attractive.

 

 

 

Then, I saw his reflection walking towards me and his face still completely showed his happiness when he hugged me from behind.

 

 

 

And then, I saw how his eyebrows narrowed, how his smile turned into a tight line and how his eyes lost its glow when I told him, “Jiyong, I’m dying.”

 

 

 

I continued to tell him about the cancer; the exact date of when I found out, the numbers of tests and treatments I had tried and how on the day that we met was when I was told I only had a few years to live.

 

 

 

Throughout all of that, Jiyong’s hold on me got tighter and tighter until finally, when I was done, he completely let go of me, looked around the room and when his eyes landed on the speakers, he ran to it, grabbed it with both of his arms and threw it at the mirrors. His loud scream masked the crash of the glass that ultimately scattered into smaller pieces on the floor. But Jiyong didn’t stop with that, I saw his replication, striding towards me, and then swiftly passing me and only stopping when his fist met the mirror, continuously punching it as he yelled an angry cry.

 

 

 

The mirror didn’t scatter on the ground this time however it made a crack, between mine and Jiyong’s reflection; foreshadowing what our future would be. Separated. 

 

 

 

 

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