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Too fast to live too young to die

 

 

 

Jiyong stayed in the room while I got my tattoo. It was undeniably the most embarrassing time of my life. I knew that getting a tattoo would hurt but I wasn’t expecting it to be that dreadful. I got it on my right forearm and throughout the entire time, I thought my arm was going to fall off. My fingers and toes were recoiled and tears were streaming down.

 

 

 

Yes. I was crying. In front of the man I wanted.

 

 

 

Yes. I said it. I vowed right after seeing his smile that I would carry his name in the future, no matter how short that future would be. What my gravestone would say was the only good thing I saw happening when I pass away.

 

 

 

Kwon Sandara.

 

 

 

I figured I could daydream about it as much as I could. So yeah, in my fantasy life, I would become Kwon Sandara.

 

 

 

I knew I shouldn’t hold my hopes up but since I was on the live-your-life-to-the-fullest-roll, I decided not to dread over the fact that I would never marry and start a family.

 

 

 

I told Jiyong about my life story, excluding the fact that I was dying. He didn’t need to know that. He would be gone by the end of the day anyways. Unfortunately.

 

 

 

Jiyong didn’t only have an incredible smile; he also had the most beautiful voice I had ever heard. I wished I would fall asleep to him singing me a lullaby every night until my last.

 

 

 

I concentrated on his voice to lessen the pain and every time he would speak, I made sure that I wouldn’t miss a single word, a single letter, a single breath.

 

 

 

“Why did you get your tattoo?” I asked him when I had finished sharing my tale. “Did you lose someone as well?”

 

 

 

“No. Luckily, none of the people I love passed away. I got it more because of my fear of death. There is so much I want to do in my life but time goes by way too fast. It’s like a reminder that I should always live as if there is no tomorrow.”

 

 

 

I didn’t respond because everything he just said was overwhelming. First, I was jealous and at the same time happy for him that he never lost a love one. And second, I realized that since I found out I was dying, I never really feared of it coming. I thought that maybe I didn’t because I knew it would happen anyways. I mean, it was a part of life.

 

 

 

With living, comes death.

 

 

 

So how come, there were people like Jiyong who were terrified of death?

 

 

 

“Why are you scared of dying?” I heard myself speak.

 

 

 

Jiyong tilted his head to the side, eyebrows furrowed, probably wondering why I would ask such a question. “You aren’t?” he asked, his curious voice proving my theory.

 

 

 

“Not really. It will happen to everyone anyways,” I shrugged.

 

 

 

Jiyong looked at me as if I had said something outrageous. It only lasted a few seconds because he leaned forward, stared right into my eyes and whispered, “Maybe because you haven’t lived, Dara.”

 

 

 

His words hit me, stabbing a knife into my heart.

 

 

 

Maybe he’s right. I never lived a life, a life that I would be scared to see end. And now that I had a time limit, I would never experience one.

 

 

 

“How about this,” Jiyong distracted my thoughts, “after we get our tattoos today, we’ll go on an adventure.”

 

 

 

I didn’t have the chance to say no because Jiyong started talking about the things we were to do that day. He listed an agenda of numerous events such as finding a random restaurant and getting the most expensive meal on the menu, renting a bicycling and riding it all the way to the beach - which is miles and miles away from where we were, skinny dipping the ocean - which I immediately crossed off the list as Jiyong grinned widely, parasailing, sky-diving, scuba-diving, jumping off a waterfall and many more. When his ideas start to get too audacious, I stop him by telling him that we couldn’t possibly do all of that in one day.

 

 

 

He replied casually, “Then, we’ll just have to do the rest some other day.”

 

 

 

That only meant one thing; Jiyong wouldn’t be gone by the end of the day. And if we were to do all of the things he mentioned, he would eventually weave his way into my life; a life that would be ending shortly. I couldn’t help but look into the future and hope that Jiyong would at least consider me as a dear friend. However, that would mean that someone he, hopefully, cared for would leave this world and I wouldn’t want him to experience going through that pain.

 

 

 

So, to avoid the inevitable, I said, “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

 

 

 

“Why not?”

 

 

 

“It just is. Won’t you be busy with your debut anyways?”

 

 

 

“I’ll make time for you.”

 

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

 

“Because I want to show you that life is too beautiful to just let it end in a snap.”

 

 

 

But Jiyong… mine already met its end. 

 

 

 

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