I stood off to the side and tried not to smile. There were so many new musicians out here. Surely there could be one who has written a ballad that isn’t about love. I began to wander around, asking questions. I tried to target the younger ones, hoping they would have had delved into the genre, without adding in the romance.

            “Hey, do you have, by any chance, a ballad that doesn’t have love as a motif?” I asked every passing group. They all looked at one another and burst out laughing.

            “Dude, I hope you realize that that’s the point of ballads. It’s all about feeling that love, man,” a green-haired guitar player had laughed without meaning to be condescending. Well, that was that. It was clear musicians these days equate ballads with love.   

            I walked away and steered myself towards an old lady, sitting on her knees, playing the bipa. Her eyes were closed and she was humming quietly. I walked over to her and was shocked to recognize her as the elderly woman who sat next to me on the bus. She heard my footsteps and opened her eyes.

            Now that I was clearheaded, I could see the light blue flecks in her wise chocolate eyes. She stared at me critically and broke into a smile. “I remember you. Hard to forget a handsome face like that. You are the one who is trying to find things for that love of yours aren’t you? Come here, I think I can help you.” She held out her hand and patted the grass next to her.

            I sat down and eyed her hopefully. She struck a chord on the instrument and started to sway and sing. She sang of sunny skies, and fluffy clouds, then of rainy days and dying storms. I listened with intent and realized this was it. This was the ballad I was looking for.

            She opened her eyes when she was done and stared at me critically. “That, my dear boy, is how to describe your love. It’s a stormy, yet amazing feeling and you can never let it go. Is that correct?” she gazed at me and I felt my hopes plummet. Another song about love.

            She pointed at the sky. “Tell me, boy. I know music runs in your veins. Tell me you have sang for this sweetheart of yours.” Her arms splayed wide to incorporate the vast meadow in front of us, and just like that, I was back down memory lane.

            It was the last day of spring break, and we were lamenting going back to school. Her boyfriend was gone for the week, and I had her all to myself. She sat on the grass, hugging her knees to her chest, with her silky hair blowing across her face, and she smiled ruefully. “It’s all going to end isn’t it?”

            Even though it was spring, and the air was warm with the new rays of sunshine, she still wore long sleeves to cover the marks he has made on her. It pained me to watch her suffer quietly, but I had long learned to not comment. I sat, cross-legged, across from her and smiled briefly. It was my favorite type of day. The sun was shining through a hazy film of clouds, and there was wind, enough of it to blow the sweet smell of new flowers in the atmosphere.

            Her question fell onto the gentle waves of the breeze and I heard it echo around us, curling around the mountains before falling on deaf ears. I shrugged. “Tomorrow we go back to school.” Back to our lives, away from this magic. And it was all her fault.

            But I didn’t want to play the blame game. Instead, I reached over and picked up my guitar. “Are you going to play for me?” she asked.

            I smiled happily. “Of course. What did you expect? Your wish is my command. Besides, I have a new song I wanted to try out.” I leaned back slightly and began to hum, the chords underneath my fingertips.

Your love is my sunshine

The only thing that keeps me going

I hold onto it, my lifeline

And no matter what,  it keeps on growing

I want to hold you in my arms

Watch you smile up at me

Knocking my over with all your charms

We were meant to be

            When I finished the entire thing, I looked over at Coral and nearly reeled back in shock. Rather than thinking of her critique, rather than making fun of me for being cheesily romantic, Coral was crying. The tears streamed down her face and she tried to wipe them away with her sleeves. Her gasps mixed with tiny hiccups and her eyes were rimmed with red. I placed my guitar away and leaned forward to hold her in my arms. She melted right into them, looking for all the world as if she had always belonged there.

            “What happened?” The worry must have saturated in my voice because Coral looked up and smiled wanly.

            “You’re always so kind to me. Oh, Donghae, what do you know about love that you want to sing about it? Is there a girl you love at this moment? Tell me, I want to interrogate her,” her tone changed to one that was light and playful.

            I was taken aback by this complete roundabout change in attitude and raised an eyebrow. “No, tell me what’s wrong.” She took one look at me and her resolve crumpled.

            She wrapped her arms around my neck and cried. “I-it’s so hard you know? Why is everyone so caught up in love? What is it exactly? Is love when you have to endure everything the person throws your way just so you can please the other person? Or is it when you just can’t do anything to stop the other person from hurting you?”

            I knew right away that she was referring to that bastard. HyunSoo never deserved her. My grip on her tightened and I waited for her to finish. “Sometimes, I’m so scared to see him. I never know what would be on his mind. But he doesn’t mean to hurt me. He tells me so. It’s just he suffers sometimes and he wants someone to be miserable with him. It’s understandable, isn’t it? Misery loves company.”

            I kept silent, trying to keep my own tears from falling. Hearing her defend him, defend him against her own doubts, made me want to scream. I cradled her against my arm and she shuddered. “Why is love all around us? I just wish for one song, one damn ballad, to not be about love. And no, I don’t want you to make it for me. That would defeat the purpose. It doesn’t prove anything. Sometimes, I feel so drowned out by his so-called love. I need to know that there is more to live for in this world.” She closed her eyes and fell asleep.

            I bit my lips, feeling once more the harsh pain of that day. The ahjumma looked down at me kindly. “Did you reach an epiphany dear?”

            I shook my head. Nothing made sense anymore. All I knew was I had to go play my guitar. I had to play my music, regardless of what Coral wanted. I needed a substance to prove that I existed. I thanked her and ran to my hotel room, grabbed my guitar and ran back to the meadows.

            I sat myself down in the middle, and played all my heartbreak into the tune. The melody twisted itself around my bitter tears and I slowly felt myself begin to smile. Today, I would sing about love. Tomorrow, I will find a song without it. 

Thank you for waiting so long for my update 

Happy New Year ♥