I was walking up to her house. I had to park around the corner because the street was partially blocked. It was more convenient for me. She was supposed to be home that day. She was home that day. She was home because I saw her. I was coming around the corner and I saw her. I saw her hugging someone. That wasn’t strange. I saw them kiss. That’s when all the little daggers stabbed me. That when I really started to feel the pain. That’s when I knew what Zico said was true. I thought I could trust her. I thought we loved each other. I guess this was a one sided thing after all. I wanted to walk up and confront them, I couldn’t. I didn’t know who this guy was or what he could do. I just turned around. I went back to my car. I  sat inside of if for a few minutes. I wanted to burst out in anger, in tears, into something. I did cry. I cried to myself for a little while and eventually made my way back home. The whole ride back I was thinking about everything. Every day we were together. Every action she ever did that cause a slight question to arise in me. They all made sense now. I figured she must have been with him almost the whole time she and I were together. I understood that we hadn’t been together long. I’ve mentioned that the whole time I’ve been telling this whole story. I just thought our... I thought my emotions were strong enough that that didn’t matter. Maybe she felt the need to keep her options open incase. I didn’t want any other options. I wanted Darin. It seemed as though I couldn’t have her. I was feeling stupid again.

When I arrived back into my apartment, I headed straight to my bedroom. I didn’t even acknowledge Zico. He was sitting on the sofa, the first place your eyes hit when you walk in the front door. I think he asked me what’s up, but I’m not too sure. I walked into my bedroom and walked to the foot of my bed. I stood there for about a minute, looking at the sheets and covers. I was just thinking a few weeks ago that this could be ours. I thought she could be the one that I spent my life with. Now I’m looking at them and all I can think is I trusted that . I wanted to call her every derogatory name in the book. It took too much effort to be that angry. I was angry and wanted to yell at at her. Even though I wanted to tell her what she was and yell and make her feel like the horrible person she was, I still really wanted to just hold her and be with her.

I leaned towards the bed and landed face first into the bed. I didn’t move much, I just turned my head to the side so that I could breathe. I just laid there, looking at the wall. I didn’t want to do anything. I heard a knock, I didn’t look at my door frame though. I didn’t close my door, but Zico still waited for me to tell him if he could come in or not. I let him come in.

“What happened?” He leaned in the frame and crossed his arms.

“You were right.” I murmured into my comforter. He was quiet. We both were for probably five minutes.

“How’d she explain it?” I shook my head. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“She didn’t explain anything. I was going over there to surprise, if she had nothing to hide, it wouldn’t be a problem. I came walking around the corner,” I explained why I couldn’t just park at her house. “I came walking around the corner, she was kissing him.”

“Are you serious?” Zico sounded genuinely shocked. He hoped what he saw was wrong almost as much as I did. But what he saw, it was correct. His eyes didn’t deceive him. His eyes didn’t deceive him at all. “So you didn’t say anything to her?” I shook my head again and pulled my arms up from beside to lay under my head.

“That’s it then?” I shrugged. He opened his mouth to continue speaking. He stopped for a second. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t want to think about anything. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to be. “You need to talk to her.” I looked at him like he was going crazy. “I’m serious. You need to talk to her. Don’t just cut her out. Let her know why.” He nodded to himself.

“Why would I do that, Zico?” I still hadn’t moved at all from the original place I had fallen onto the bed.

“Because, she needs to know how she ed up for one and then also... If there’s still any chance of there being another reason, it gives her a chance to explain herself. I mean if there’s a reason, like logical reason, wouldn’t you want to hear it? Wouldn’t you want the chance to not lose her?” I didn’t understand why he wanted me to do that. I saw with my own eyes her kissing that guy. I didn’t know who he was, but I wanted to punch him so bad. I would have if it didn’t look like he could knock me out with just an angry look. What reasoning could she have to kiss another guy? None. None what so ever.

I didn’t have anything else to say. Zico let me know that if I did need someone to talk to he’d be there. I just laid in bed most of the day not thinking. Not wanting to feel. I was still waiting though. She was suppose to call me or text me or something to let me know when she was back. She didn’t say what time she’d be back though. She didn’t know I knew she was back. She didn’t know I saw her with him. Whoever he is. He’s probably some guy who’s older and can give her what she needs and wants. Probably things of which I’m incapable. I looked at my phone. I still hadn’t received anything. I thought about what Zico said. At this point I was beginning to care less, so I decided to just text message her. I’m already in as much pain as I could possibly imagine, how much worse is she going to hurt me if I talk to her and end things? End things on my terms.

I sent a text message. I asked if she was back yet. I already knew the answer, but let’s see what she would say. Maybe she would lie. Maybe she’d say she was back. I didn’t know at this point. I held my phone in my hand just looking at the screen waiting for a response. I didn’t know how long I was going to wait. It was only a minute. That’s right, she should be acting normal. She doesn’t know I know. She has no reason to act differently than how she normally does. She doesn’t have a reason to be defensive yet.

Her response wasn’t in a form of text though. She decided to call me. I looked at the phone ringing. I was thinking I couldn’t hear her voice. Her voice would break me. I just stared as it rang. Wondering. I was wondering if I should let it forward to voicemail. I was wondering if I should answer it. I decided to answer it when the time was almost up and it was about to forward. I didn’t have anything to say other than.

“Are you back?” I said flat. I didn’t want her to hear my emotions. I didn’t want to know I was upset or that I saw her. I didn’t want her to know anything. Put her in the dark, like I had clearly been.

“Yeah, are you okay?” She asked with what sounded like genuine concern. I didn’t want to read into it much.

“When’d you get back?”

“Like two hours ago. I was finishing unpacking things. Is everything alright?” She had been back all day. “Do you want to come over?” Open invitation to her place. What a surprise.

“So it wouldn't be an issue today? I don’t have to persuade you into letting me come over?”

“What is wrong with you, Kyung? I’m coming over since you’re being weird. I’ll see you in a bit.” She paused for a moment. She hesitated. “I love you” then she hung up. She didn’t love me. I didn’t believe it then. How could she love me? How could she love me when she was making out with something guy just hours earlier. She couldn’t. At most I had done in my bed by this point was turn over a few times. I wasn’t in a rush to do anything. I wasn’t even going to get up and pace back and forth waiting for her. I wasn’t even going to answer the door. Whoever was closest could do it. I wasn’t in a rush to get my heart broken more. It was about 20 minutes later, I heard a knock on the door. I waited to hear someone answer. I heard the door open. I didn’t hear anything other than her saying hey. Clearly, whether is was Jae or Zi, neither of them said much to her. She came into my room. I didn’t look at her. I couldn’t.

“Hey.” She stood up beside the bed and looked down at me. I turned my head away from her and sat up. She sat beside me. Very close to me, but I scooted to make space in between us. “Okay, Kyung. What the ’s up?”

“How long have you been with him?” I looked down. When I spoke, I didn’t sound like I was trying to be hard, I didn’t sound like I was emotionless, I sounded weak and heartbroken. I didn’t expect that.

“What?” I wasn’t looking at her still. I didn’t see what her face looked like or her body language. I heard a change in her voice.

“How long have you been with him? Have you been cheating on my this whole time? Or was it just before you left?” I asked again. I didn’t know what I was saying. Words were just falling out. I didn’t know what to ask exactly.

“What are you talking about Kyung?” She tried to grab my hand. I didn’t let her.

“Don’t act like you don’t know damn well what I’m talking about. Zico saw you with him before you left. He told me while you were gone. I didn’t believe him. I went to go wait for you to get back this morning. You were already there. I saw you kissing him. I don’t know who he is. I want to know why though. Why would you do that to me?” I finally looked her. She was crying. Not sobbing, but crying and trying to keep it quiet.

“I wasn’t cheating on you.” She shook her head.

“Really? Because I call going on dates and making out with people who aren’t your boyfriend cheating. What you do call it?” She looked down and then back at me.

“That sounds like a pretty good definition of cheating, but I wasn’t cheating on you.”

“Then what were you doing? Because that makes no ing sense, Darin.” She stood up. She moved further away. I wasn’t prepared for what she was about to tell me. “Well, Darin? You’re saying you aren’t cheating on me but clearly you are.”

“That was Jong.” That didn’t answer my question. It did let me know she lied to me though. I realized what she meant by she wasn’t cheating on me though. She lived with Jong. She didn’t want me to move in with her and Jong. Jong wasn’t her female roommate. Jong must have been her boyfriend. She must have been with him the whole time she was with me. She wasn’t cheating on me. She was cheating with me. She was cheating on him.

“Is he your boyfriend? Am I just a plaything on the side? Am I something to while he’s not here?” I was beginning to get a little fired up. I stood up too. I wanted to yell. I didn’t. I didn’t want those two to hear everything going on. She shook her head. “Then what the hell, Darin? What the hell?” She swallowed so loud I could hear it. She was crying more now. Who the hell did she think she was thinking she had the right to cry. She’s the one who was lying and deceiving.

“Jong wasn’t my boyfriend.” She shook her head again. “He’s my husband.”

“What?” I sat back down. That was too much. Boyfriend was something. Husband was something else. I didn’t know what to say back to her. I was still angry but I couldn’t form thoughts. I couldn’t articulate. I could just sit there. I had been sleeping and dating a married woman. She never said anything. “You don’t wear rings or anything... what? He was your... what?” That was pretty much all I could think or say. What?

“I didn’t wear them, because when I met you, they were off getting repaired. Something happened to them. By the time they got back, it would have been weird to put them on and explain. I wouldn't want to you to think I was messing around with you. So I never wore them around you.” She was touching her finger where a ring would sit. “But I’m not wearing them now for a different reason, Kyung.”

“Why? To er me in again, Darin? I can’t believe I love you. You’re a liar. You... you...” She cut me off.

“I left him.” I looked at her. Did she think that would make me get up, hug her, and everything would be okay? Hell no, it wouldn’t.

“What’s that supposed to do? That’s not going to make things hunky dory.”


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Darin’s POV


I just wanted him to hug me. I wanted him to hold me and tell me it was okay. He wasn’t going to though. I just stood there staring at him. I didn’t know what else I could say.

“I can’t say anything else other than I’m sorry, Kyung.” I approached him. I reached for his hand. He pulled it away before I could even make any contact.

“There’s plenty you could say. There’s plenty you could have said.” I wanted him to just look me in the eye. Why won’t you look me in the eye and see my sincerity?

“There was never a good time, Kyung. I said that.” I was pleading with him. I couldn’t let him hate me.

“Everyday was a good time, Darin!” He looked at me. He had such anger and hurt in his eyes. I put it there. I didn’t want him to look me in the eyes anymore. I breathed in deep. It was a stuttered breath. I was trying to hold back my tears. Did I even have a right to cry? A right to cry in front of him? I didn’t think I did, but I really couldn’t hold it back.

“Kyung, I honestly love you. I’m telling you now.” I wanted to reach for him again. I knew it was useless. He wouldn’t let me.

“You’re telling me now after I found out from someone else. This is NOT a good time. And how can you say you love me?” He was clenching his fist, which we were hanging beside him.

“Because I do. That’s how.” How else could I explain it? “I do. I didn’t think I would. But it’s grown. It’s not like I woke up today and said ‘I’m going to leave Jong’. No. I made the decision a while ago. I was kind of hoping to avoid all of this... if you never knew about him... I was hoping it would make things easier.” Was that really my argument? I felt as though I was going crazy and I had reverted back to my teenage hood. None of this was reasonable logic. I just really wanted it to work. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to know how much I wanted him.  I needed him to still want me. I felt the likeliness of that growing smaller every time I opened my mouth. I needed to just shut up, but I wanted to defend myself so bad.

“Are you serious?” Kyung stopped to take a deep breath. He was still talking at a room level. I could tell he wanted to yell though. “Darin... Just leave. Please. I don’t want to see you and I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t call me. Don’t do anything. Just let me go back to how my life was before you. I’ve felt so many different emotions in these past months. I’ve had mixed feelings of pure happiness and the most terrible sorrow that literally makes me want to throw up. Just go.”

I couldn’t say anything. How did I let myself get here? Kyung walked over to the door and opened it all the way. He looked away and I saw his eyes watering up. His voice broke as he spoke to me again.

“Please just go.” He was staring at the wall.

“Is there anything I can do to earn your forgiveness?” I asked not expecting anything. That’s exactly what I got. No response. I stepped out into the foyer. I looked into the living room and I saw Jaehyo and Zico avert their look quickly. Kyung and I tried to keep our voices down, but you could hear everything through these walls. They knew what type of person I was. There was no way out of this grave I had dug. I left. I doubted I would ever see him again.