[A/n: sorry for any grammar mistakes]

 

 

Those words replayed themselves in her head on and on, and at some point she started repeating them while walking through the park, so that when she walked past people they looked at her strange. What could they mean? Was he still hurt? Did he-

No, she refused to believe something as stupid as that. They were different people and after that night she had changed drastically, and Soo Min believed that Yoochun also changed. If not as drastically as her, close. After that night that decided their fate, from the happy Park Soo Min, the one without a care in the world, the one that loved everything and everyone, the one that had dreams and aspirations, she changed into the Soo Min that she is now. The one that doesn’t care, the one that doesn’t feel any insecurities anymore, the one that people think that is y and a goddess.

She was not a child anymore. She was a mature woman with a reputation.

‘…it might ruin your reputation’

Soo Min stopped for a few seconds and replayed the scene inside her head. He actually knew where to hit. Could it be that he still knew her well? That he could still read her like an open book? She sat down on the bench and let the warm feeling of the sun engulf her.

Soo Min frowned, the sun wasn’t as warm as she predicted. In fact it did nothing to warm her, she was shivering and goosebumps started to appear on her skin. Just then a little girl with her mother holding a small puppy in her hands walked past her and Soo Min smiled.

She hoped to find it cute and cuddly, but nothing came within her. She wanted to want to hold the puppy and pet it, or even play with it and the little girl, but there was nothing but a little sad smile that came out of her.

No desires of fun, of warmth. Nothing, just an empty shallow feeling.

‘Omma! The sun feels great on my skin! It really is summer!’ the girl shouted excitedly and her mother smiled. ‘Shh, Eun Mi. Do not be so loud, you will disturb the others. Let’s go and get some ice cream’ she offered and Eun Mi jumped joyful and nodded. And that was the last time that Soo Min saw the both of them, but meeting them had an impact on her.

Could it be that she had become this cold woman that she hated at first, the one that she had sworn to Yoochun not to become? There it goes again, this wanton to remember the days that she spent with Yoochun, and even the other DBSK members.

She sighed frustrated but just then her phone rang.

‘Yobuseyo. Yeh, I will be right there Manager-ssi’ she closed the phone and called her car to pick her up. She had an important interview tonight and she had to get ready. And also she had a date with a very powerful CEO. Maybe he would become one of them. That is how she called the ones that hoped to have a chance with her.

But after her fun was over, it ended, they were just memories and a number in her phone record. That is the now Park Soo Min.

Arriving at the building was the longest rides in her life, even though it took only ten minutes, but the fact that DBSK were all over the news didn’t help that much. She entered the building ignoring the photographers that yelled her name wanting to have a piece of her, wanting to see and capture a moment of hers. But she just walked past them not even giving them a second glance. She had other important things to do right now.

‘Ah, Soo Min-ssi, you have finally arrived. Hopefully this half of day that you had was wonderful’ her Manager, Dong Sun, clapped his hands and Soo Min nodded smiling. Getting over the fact that she had a violent plunge in the past, seeing Sonsaengnim was nice, and refreshing.

‘Neh, it was. Manager-ssi, what am I supposed to do for the rest of the day?’ she asked as they advanced towards the recording studio.

‘Well, I have a few things I would like to discuss with you, and also you have a proposal from a company to do a featuring with them. This could be quite tiring, and I want you to think carefully over what you answer’ Dong Sun said looking at her.

‘Do not worry; you know I do not pass any invitations. But I do think carefully about it before answering’ she nodded certain of herself.

‘That is what I am fearing’ she heard the Manager mumble, but she laughed it off as a joke for a moment. She hadn’t realized, but these few hours have taken some amount of energy, so she had to lay back for a few minutes, to be sure that she was fully recovered for the next events she had planned.

‘Okay, so your schedule until next week will be pretty relaxed, then you have to try and make a few decisions. But until then I am going to tell you what you have to do in the next few days. Firstly you have that interview today, and then you are free to go, then tomorrow you will have a meeting at ten o’clock, an interview at twelve and some errands in SME, then again you are free to go.’ After hearing SME everything in Soo Min’s mind blanked.

‘Wait. What kind of errands?’ she asked her voice quivering a little.

‘Well, that was what I was going to talk to you about. They want you for a photo shoot with their most prized possession’ her Manager rolled his eyes, and if Soo Min didn’t know better she would’ve laughed. But now she was faced with a terrible proposal. She had sworn never to return to that building. But she did. She had sworn to herself to never see Yoochun again, let alone talk to him or let him affect her in any way, but it did. So what was going to happen now?

She was going to be the masochist that she had always been. That is one trait that she hadn’t left behind when the changing occurred. So, she was going to act upon it. Or at least return and see what SME had to propose. After all if it was that bad, she could always refuse and she could return to her happy life of before, right?

‘-and maybe we could call them and tell them that you have another-‘

‘I’ll do it’ she surprised even herself. Her voice was strong and determined. She was looking straight ahead but this time she wasn’t staring off into space thinking what to do. She was looking into the future and she was determined to show Yoochun that she had gotten over him, and the past was the past. It didn’t matter to her anymore.

‘Soo Min-ssi, are you sure?’ Soo Min nodded positively and excused herself. She had to lie down for a few seconds. She could always just decline the offer. After all it was her decision to do it or not.

But then they would know the reason behind the decline, and that didn’t solve a thing.

‘that would ruin your reputation’

There they were again, those words. It was driving her mad. ‘YAH! Who do you think you are to say that!?’ she yelled at no one in particular, but she secretly wished that he would be near to hear her. She wanted to say so many things to him, but when she gathered the courage, something had to happen and all that would be lost.

‘um, Soo Min-ssi. Are you ready to leave?’ a trainee popped her head from behind the door smiling at her nervously. She could’ve been too loud.

‘Yeh, just a few seconds’ the trainee nodded and closed the door. Soo Min sat down on a chair and sighed rubbing her temples. This was that old lady's fault! No, she couldn’t think that way. It just happened.

The princess’ other dream. How could she forget? Every princess wants to have her Prince Charming coming to rescue her on a white horse. Every princess dreams of true love, and fairytales.

‘I want to be a princess, and live in a big castle, and have my own maids’ a little Soo Min said excitedly, her eyes glittering with happiness. A much younger Ae Chun smiled down at her lovingly and patted her head.

‘Sure you are going to be the most beautiful princess in the entire world, and you will have a lot of dresses’

‘And I want…’ Soo Min stopped and rubbed her chin cutely. ‘I want…to have a fairytale’ she yelled.

‘My dear, you can’t have a fairytale, you could live in a fairytale, but not have one’ Ae Chun corrected her.

‘No, I want that fairytale that every princess has! To be swept off my feet by a prince that has a white horse! Just like Cinderella and Snow White. Though I wouldn’t want to be poisoned at first’ Soo Min pouted and Ae Chun couldn’t help but laugh.

‘I am sure you will have it all. Good girls always live their own fairytale’ Soo Min yay-ed and skipped in the kitchen to steal one more cookie. ‘But the girls that steal cookies I am not so sure that they will receive what they want’ Ae Chun winked making Soo Min laugh.

So what happened? At one point she hoped that her search was over, she couldn’t believe that she had faith in that old dream that she had when she was a little girl. That when she met him, she was positive and she hoped that he was the one to fulfill her dream, and become her prince charming. Well, the only difference was that he didn’t have a white horse. But a car was good enough for her, and after all to have a horse in this big town would be something crazy.

Soo Min laughed at her childishness, it was stupid of her to think like that, it was even more foolish to believe that she could combine love with work; it was stupid to believe in love in the first place.

Then why did her heart throb when she saw him for the first time, why did her heart throb when she met him for the first time, why did her heart throb when she kissed him for the first time, why did her heart throb and believe when she became his, and most of all, why did her heart throb when she left him?

‘I want to leave’ Soo Min said seriously looking at Yoochun.

‘What do you mean? Weren’t you in Japan a few days ago?’ he said not bothering to look up from what he was doing. Soo Min sighed and sat down to calm her heart down. To tell him would be harder than she had thought.

‘No, I mean I want to leave, leave this behind’ she said and Yoochun finally stopped and looked at her. She could tell that he had caught her message because of the hurt in his eyes.

‘Why do you say that? Did I do something?’ he got up and approached her but she recoiled from his touch.

‘No, just, leave…us, being like this…it makes me nervous’ Soo Min yelled at him.

‘What do you mean?’ Yoochun sounded hurt and confused, and she could tell that he was trying his hardest not to break down, unfortunately for Soo Min, she was doing exactly the same. She didn’t know what possessed her to do it, but she did it, she said the words that she knew it would hurt.

‘It might ruin my reputation’ she bravely said and looked him straight in the eyes.

After that, there is not much to say. Things became quiet, and without saying a word Yoochun had left the apartment, and Soo Min’s life. Except from the interviews that he had to do with the band and other single stuff, she hadn’t heard from him. It hurt, and for a few months Soo Min worked hard to change and forget everything. She was exhausted after that, but it worked.

She forgot about him, she forgot about how she used to be before that, she became a whole new person. And until a few days ago she liked her new personality, but lately something has been bothering her. She felt as if she was too superficial.

‘Soo Min-ssi, it’s really time to go, we are going to be late’ the trainee entered the room again and stood there waiting for Soo Min to say something, but she just nodded and walked out of the room quietly still deep in thought.

But who was waiting for her at the car not only surprised her, but it also made her feel uneasy. She tried her best to smile.

‘Junsu-ah! Long time no see’ but he was not smiling, he was scanning he from head to toe.

‘Soo Min-ssi, we have to-‘ the trainee interrupted again but Soo Min stopped her with a gesture and turned back to Junsu.

He was still looking at her intently, his brows forming a frown, his eyes scanning her face. Truths to be told he was making Soo Min feel quite nervous. She felt as if she was being interrogated by the police, and as if she had done something bad.

Maybe you have, no, surely you have, the little voice in her head told her, but she shook that thought off.

‘How have you been?’ Soo Min jumped in surprise, after these minutes of silence, to hear him speak it startled her. And the question was just as odd. A few minute ago, he was looking at her like he wanted to rip her apart, and now he asked her how she had been.

‘Uhm, reasonable, yourself? I saw that you are already falling apart’ she said sadly, but it wasn’t quite the right choice of words. She could feel Junsu tense and his lips tightened in a thin line. ‘Uhm, and, uhm-how are the others?’

‘They are quite fine, thank you’ this false politeness was driving her mad, she knew he had something to say to her, she had to go, and this was making her uncomfortable.

‘Ok, let’s cut the crap, you came to tell me something, right? Now spit it out’ she tapped her foot impatiently on the pavement.

‘I just came to tell you that we are expecting you tomorrow to talk about the next project, meaning the collaboration, why? Is there something else to say?’ Junsu gave her a long, hard stare, and Soo Min felt like a fool. She felt her cheeks burning red.

‘Well, thank you then for informing me, I will think about the offer, now if you’ll excuse me I have another engagement I must attend to’ she politely excused herself and got into the car. When she was out of the visual range she punched the seat next to her. She could feel herself turning red, whether it was because she was ashamed or frustrated she couldn’t tell.

She had been humiliated.

A few hours later she stumbled into her apartment totally exhausted. It had been a long day and the only thing she wanted to do right now was to shower and to get into the bed. She left all her belongings in a trail behind her and she headed straight for the shower. After an hour and a half of enjoying the warm water she got out and put herself to bed closing her eyes.

‘It might ruin my reputation’…’It might ruin your reputation’…’I never did, and never will’Soo Min opened her eyes and stared at the bedside. There it was her sin. She stared long and hard at the picture hoping to burn it. But she had no telekinesis powers, so her tries were futile. Despite the fact that her muscles hurt and she had a headache, she knew all too well that she will not sleep. So she got out of the bed and looked at the clock. 10.30 pm, it wasn’t that late.

She dressed herself in a pair of dark skinny jeans a blue tank top, and a grey hoodie, slipped on her converse and took her keys, and off she was into the dark night trying to cool her head off, even though outside was more that warm.

She loved the feeling of the city at night. It was calm and quiet even though there were people who were still outside, and the cars seemed to never sleep, but it gave Soo Min a piece of quietness, and to be herself. That was the only time when she could be the Soo Min that so few knew.

Through her mind flashed images of what happened earlier that day, seeing Yoochun, seeing Junsu, seeing Ae Chun, having so many things to do, talking to Yoochun, being humiliated by her friend, if she could still call Junsu that, but she doubted. It was nerve-wracking, and then a flash of image with the picture that she still kept on her bedside.

It was her with Yoochun, it was winter, and they were hugging each other, a few hours before it snowed, and they were goofing around, she had rosy cheeks and an innocent smile upon her face while Yoochun was kissing her forehead lovingly. They were happy there. Why keep the picture if she had changed, why not throw it away? After all it was keeping her in the past.

But she couldn’t, she couldn’t let go right away. It was too hard.

She decided to go to a bar and have a few drinks, she was too tired and some alcohol might help her. Entering the bar she positioned herself at the barstool and ordered a Dry Martini. Gulping it down, even though she knew it wasn’t that lady like, it felt good. She missed the warmth that the alcohol gave her. She ordered another one, but this time she savored it. And then another one. She just hoped no one would recognize her or else this would go to the media by morning.

‘And then your reputation might be ruined’she laughed nervously and downed the third drink. She prepared to order another one when someone stood next to her.

‘You know, you might want to slow down with those drinks’ the person said to her. Soo Min froze thinking that she recognized the voice. But it had to be impossible. It couldn’t be, but it wouldn’t hurt to be cautious. She turned around and faced the man trying to see his face, but it was impossible, it was pretty dark inside, and he had a hoodie on. It was no way that she could be right.

‘Says who?’ she answered boldly and ordered another drink. The man stopped the barman, and Soo Min was about to protest thinking that he wanted to stop him from getting her another drink.

‘I’ll have what she’s having’ he said and Soo Min relaxed. Too many dramas, if this was a drama, the person next to her would’ve been Yoochun, and she would be spilling her guts out at him, and she would’ve gotten drunk, and he would’ve gotten her home. But this was no drama and the man next to her was a stranger that probably thought that if he got her drunk enough he would get her into bed.

‘Hm, Martini Dry, nice choice. So tell me, what brings you here?’ the man asked and Soo Min looked at him wearily.

‘Why are you asking? It’s none of your business’ she huffed and turned away from the man.

‘Well, it seems like something happened, or else why would a young girl chose to stay in a bar and drink her heart out alone instead of going out with her friends and have fun?’ the man smugly said and Soo Min sighed.

‘I have no friends’ she whispered but realized her mistake and coughed. ‘Like I said again, it’s none of your business, but if you really must know, it’s usually as normal as it is to the guys when they have problems, girls also tend to drink, or you thought they eat ice cream alone at home and watch sappy dramas? Please’ she said and took a big gulp out of her drink.

‘Nice answer. I am sorry if I was too impolite. But I am a good listener and I can assure you I have nothing fishy in mind’ the man chuckled.

‘That is what they all say’ Soo Min finished her drink and the man ordered another one for her.

An hour later she had told him all of her work problems, for some reason she was still weary to tell him the real reason.

‘Okay, now that you confessed all your sins, could you tell me the real reason’ by now Soo Min had had enough drinks to have more confidence, and lose her senses.

‘It’s just that…well, have you ever had the feeling that you did the most stupid thing in your life?’ there were a few moments of silence, and Soo Min was afraid that she might’ve said too much.

‘Yes’ was the only answer she got. She tried to stare at the man before her but because of those many drinks her vision was even cloudier than it had been at the beginning.

‘Well, I have that feeling right now, but at the same time I have a strong feeling that I want to forget…that…feeling, you know what I mean? I mean, I want to forget everything and be what I have always wanted, but then again, there is a part of the old me that stop me from doing that. And what happened today didn’t help either. I’m even more confused’ she stuttered. The man seemed to perk his ears at hearing this. Soo Min took the silence as a sign to continue, and by now she was completely drunk, but extremely sincere.

‘I saw someone I wished I hadn’t. And I had the shock of my life’ she stopped and sighed.

‘Why?’ the question was like a whisper, but Soo Min thought it was because of the loud music that she couldn’t hear it too well.

‘Let’s just say that it shook me up pretty bad. And it interfered with my plans. But somehow…’ she looked into the distance.

‘Never did, never will’

‘…somehow I didn’t mind it. I missed him’ a lonely tear escaped her eyes and she quickly wiped it away hoping that no one saw it, but there was a pair of sharp eyes that saw the entire scene.

For a few minutes the only thing that could be heard between them was the sound of silence tainted by the loud music and the chattering of the other customers. And for some reason Soo Min was feeling drowsy and she decided that it would be best if she went home, she was sure to have a headache in the morning. She got up but the earth seemed to sway with her. She would’ve fallen if it wasn’t for the stranger that caught her. Her vision was blurry and she could feel herself falling asleep.

She smiled and noticed that the hood had fallen off and she could see the face of her savior, but her vision was still blurry and she couldn’t concentrate. She passed out in the arms of the stranger but not before thanking him.

‘Thank you, Park Yoochun’