I didn’t know what I should have expected from Nichkhun, with his history of violence and infuriation. I wanted to believe that he had changed from the person I had once known, the harsh, evil soldier that I had met the moment I had arrived in the camp. I wanted to believe that over the time we had spent together, he had hung up the unnecessary outbursts of anger for a calmer demeanour, but after the events that had happened in that room that night, I had no clue what to believe in anymore.

He couldn’t control those monsters inside and so, even with his outer beauty, all I could see was the ugliness that lay behind it.

I understood that much of our situation was my own fault, for I was the one who had provoked him so much with my acidic words of hatred and the venom that seeped from my eyes and at that moment I knew that he was going to kill me, just as he had always wanted to. Somewhere in my mind, I always knew that he was going to kill me someday, I knew it from when I had first met him, I just didn’t know what would happen in the time between our first meeting and finally, my death.

No matter how much it would have seemed that he had changed, he was always going to kill me. There was no logical explanation for the way that he treated me, there was never any logical explanation for the soft words and chaste kisses. He was always the General, and I was always going to be his prisoner. 

I was in love with a monster, and I was only ever going to get hurt because of it.

……

He didn’t come to speak to me after what had happened, avoiding me like the plague while he rushed around with whatever he needed to do himself. I saw him speeding past the doorway often, calling out to people and to Taecyeon, without an ounce of care about what was happening to me, what was going on in my mind. It wasn’t that I wanted to speak to him because anything he would have said would have been met by ears deaf to his words. I guess part of me still wanted to know if he cared about me, if he felt a single ounce of regret for what he did and what he tried to do.

He left me laying there, vulnerable and alone.

There wasn’t a single thing I could possibly do apart from sleep, while I lay trapped in that room. Apart from giving me an opportunity to think, worry and stress – all of which I had had too much time for over the past few years. Think about my past. Worry about my future. Stress about my present.

With time, though, memories of my past had begun to fade, and I no longer remembered as much as I once did. When I first entered that camp, I could dream each night about the life I had lived and the things that I would be able to go back to when I returned. But since the news of my home’s destruction, each memory began to tumble and shatter before I could catch them in my hands and cherish them. All of my memories clouded over with death, blood and fear, and one day, I knew that not a single one would be left with the way things continued to go.

Lieutenant Donghae’s face would not stop haunting me either, even once they’d told me he had been shot dead. Even when I closed my eyes and started to dream of the meadow, his face would flash, turning gentle melancholy into destruction. The meadow burned in a fire so strong that everything was destroyed, flowers charred and the tree nothing but ashes. Nothing could have been saved.

……..

On the fourth day following my brawl with Nichkhun, a timid Taecyeon appeared at the door. He stood there apologetically, inching the door slowly as it brushed against the vinyl floors. I hadn’t seen him properly since he had pulled Nichkhun off me that night, having only heard his voice in the distance and it seemed that he too had been avoiding me just as the General had.

I didn’t blame him for not wanting to see me – the last time I had spoken to him, I had shoved him away in a deranged fit, not psychologically capable of telling the difference between ally and foe. When I thought he was Donghae, back to finish me off, angry that he hadn’t been able to exterminate me.

I turned my gaze to him and parted my lips to call to him when he broke the awkward silence between us. “Can I speak to you?”

I nodded my head, not knowing how I should have replied, whether I should have said yes or no. For all I knew, he wanted to speak to me on behalf of Nichkhun, wanted to apologise for what had happened that night, wanted to reassure me that it wasn’t going to happen again. And as I’d already said, those words would fall upon deaf ears. I couldn’t force myself to forgive the coward so easily, when he repeatedly kept trying to hurt me. I didn’t want to continue being that foolish.

“You probably know why I’m here,” He spoke softly, shifting his weight towards the chair next to my bed before he rested his hand on top of it.

“Look,” He started again, clearing his throat so I could hear him more clearly, “I know what happened probably frightened you. But Nichkhun didn’t mean to do what he did.”

I dropped my gaze to my lap, preparing myself to respond. This was what I had expected to hear, that he wanted to apologise, that he didn’t mean it, that he was probably inebriated and so, wasn’t completely himself. I knew Nichkhun, I knew him well, and the things he did, his actions, did not surprise me as much as they once did.

I brushed my hand along the mattress, feeling the softness beneath my fingers as the whisper escaped from between my lips. “I’m sure he didn’t.”

“He cares about you, you know, like I’ve said before.” He could tell that his words were not making any impact on me.

“I’m sure he does.”

“I’m being serious, Victoria.” He brushed a hand through his dark locks, his eyes flickering back up to meet with mine as his tone grew agitated. “He hasn’t been able to sleep because he’s worried about you.”

My eyes darted towards the door at the sound of footsteps along the hallway, footsteps that were more gentle than usual. I didn’t doubt that he must have been out there, listening in while too cowardly to come and speak to me himself.

“If he’s so worried about me, then why isn’t he here?” I asked, the agitation evident in the recesses of my voice, “Why isn’t he trying to explain himself to me?”

“Because he doesn’t want to admit that fact to himself.”

“So you want me to forgive him for what he did, after he’s tried to hurt me? After all the times he’s tried to hurt me?” The agitation grew until it became anger, my voice raised until I was almost shouting at him, he who shouldn’t have been at the receiving end of that verbal abuse.

Taecyeon leaned forward in the chair, hands raised. “Victoria, you need to calm down.”

“He tried to kill me! How do you think I can calm down?” I yelled, my voice rough and hoarse.

“Please, just…”

He settled his hand on my shoulder, the warmth radiating from him as I tried to breathe through the infuriation and the pain. I was letting myself become too ugly, losing all sense of understanding because of the emotional turmoil that Nichkhun had sent me spiralling through. The fear that I knew all too well persisted in the back of my mind, sending warning signals through my head that the more time I spent with him, the sooner I was falling into my grave. And even after, the years I’d been in the camp, and the reassurance I’d had that he was actually a good person, I didn’t know if I could trust him.

I’d trusted him with my emotions many times in the past. And he’d trusted me with his, he let me in, let me see him past his authority and stature, into the broken man that he was. I was scared though. Scared that what Taecyeon could say could change everything back to the way it was, make me realise that it wasn’t him, that it wasn’t the real Nichkhun who was acting that way before I’d pour myself back out to him and all could be forgiven.

He’d hurt me more than he loved me, and my heart knew nothing but to yearn for him.

“There’s a lot of things that you don’t know right now,” He whispered softly, “Things you don’t understand.”

I cleared my throat, brushing a hand through my tousled hair, “Then explain them to me so I can understand them.”

“He’s…stressed.”

“He’s stressed? So he things that he can lash out at me?” I asked, letting myself get carried away as I had before, the fear rumbling and growling to escape before it was too late. My heart yearning for me to stay. “Last time I remember, he lashed out at you aswell, he tried to kill you.”

“He needs to protect you.” He leaned back on the arm chair, head tilting to the side. He rested his hands on the sides, and in that moment, almost looked nonchalant and uncaring to the situation at hand. I knew that Nichkhun trusted him more than he trusted anyone else, other than me. I thought that it might have been his way to make me feel more comfortable in his presence, keep me calm, rather than rushing through his explanations.

His eyes met mine as if he knew I had more questions, and wanted to give me sufficient time to ask them, before the agitation boiled and I started yelling.

“Protect me from what? Donghae’s dead and from what I can tell, I’m far from the camp right now.”

I couldn’t tell if he was trying to fabricate false stories for me, trying to make believe something that was far from the truth so I would be back on Nichkhun’s side again. My heart was worried though, worried that something could be seriously wrong, that that had to be the reason why he lashed out, why his behaviour was so unusual that night after how much we’d managed to grow together.

“The war’s reaching its critical point right now. With the allied forces joining in, it’s not long until it’s all over.” He explained, his voice slowed and words clear.

“Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing?”

“The communists are trying to push their way in, and we’ve heard of plans of battles that will be going through in the next few weeks.” His eyes were dead set on mine, locked, as if he was trying to gauge his way past them and see into my soul or read my mind. He paused for a minute, dropped his eyes to the floor briefly, lips mouthing illegible words like he couldn’t form words that he could say next. Then he cleared his throat, dark eyes staring past me. “As General, Nichkhun will be forced to go out into the battlefield on the frontlines.”

It grew harder to breathe, my heart racing in my chest.

“How…how is that possible?”

“The North Koreans and Chinese are calling out for him to be there, fight like a man.”

“And he’s going?” I mumbled, the words almost nothing but air that I doubt could have reached his ears.

He nodded once.

……………

He’d said what I was afraid to hear that whole time.

My heart sank in my chest and my lips trembled fearfully. It wasn’t even that I was going to begin to trust him anymore. It was that I’d no longer have the chance to, because he was going to be taken far from me, onto a battlefield that left more casualties than survivors. In a few weeks’ time, he could be lying there, lifeless and alone upon the bitter coldness of the mud and grass as raindrops streamed down his face. And no matter how much I thought I hated him or was frightened of him, it was a fate I didn’t want him to see.

After the years trapped, caged in that camp, it was only with him that I’d managed to find true solace, even if it had only lasted the briefest of moments. He made me feel alive, through the pain and anger, made me want to struggle through however long it took before I got to the finish line. If he hadn’t, I would have ended up like Sulli, knotting a noose in my trembling fingers, slashing my arms with shards of glass. Bled or hung myself to death.

I lay there that night, a storm battering against my window, retracing through everything Taecyeon had said and then I thought of Nichkhun, who must also have been laying there, restless as the insomnia rattled through him as the thunder roared in the distance. I thought about how frightened he must have been, frightened that he was being dragged out to the front of the battlelines to fight a battle that wasn’t his to fight. And with little experience of battlefields in the first place, he was nothing but a goner.

He’d be dead within seconds.

…

The weather was beautiful the next day. The sun took centre stage against a sky so clear and blue, it was as though the clouds had disappeared. I looked out at the field beyond my window, my fingers brushing against the panes of glass as I noticed him out there. He paced back and forth, crushing blades of grass beneath his feet with each step.

I didn’t know when he was going to be leaving exactly. Taecyeon hadn’t told me and I didn’t know if that was because he didn’t have the authority to, or he didn’t want to tell me, cautious of hurting my feelings, making me worry sooner than I had to. What I did know was that I was going to have to speak to him, before he left. I couldn’t have let him leave, with his fate unclear, without knowing if I was ever going to have the chance to speak to him after this. Even if he was the one who caused our relationship, or whatever you may have called it, spiral out of control and slip from our fingers, I owed it to him to clear the air between us.

I found myself slipping my feet into a pair of slippers that lay upon the floor and shuffled my way outside for the first time since I had been there. The temperature dropped as I slipped out of my room, the coldness bitter against my skin as I rubbed my hands against my arms and walked down the hallway to a set of open doors as the light streamed through and settled a gentle glow against the white washed walls.

For all I knew, he might not have even wanted to speak to me. He may have thought that Taecyeon’s explanation was enough to allow him to apologise for his actions. He may have thought, just as I had, that he had hurt me too many times for me to go back and try again. He may have thought that I didn’t love him as much as I did.

And I don’t think I had ever told him that.

Before I realised it, I was standing a couple of feet away from him, crushing the blades of grass beneath my slippers as leaves rustled with the breeze of the wind. Any words that I had to say to him were frozen in my breath, my mind struggling to piece them together in frustration as I stared at the back of his head and collar of his shirt.

“I heard Taecyeon spoke to you.” His tone was almost nonchalant, uncaring as if there was almost no emotion beneath them. Like he was trying to force himself to speak to me when all he wanted to do was just leave me behind for the battlefield.

I tucked locks of hair behind my ear, and cleared my throat as he kept his back to me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“How could I?” He stepped forward a few steps and reached forward, fingers brushing against the bristles of grass as he swept his hand across and lifted a leaf from the ground before he crushed it in his hand. “With all of the pain that you’ve been going through, I didn’t know how.”

 “You could die.” I whispered, trying to suppress the fear and anguish within me. “Or be tried for brutality in war.”

“Donghae had tried to kill you and you were recovering.”

Still nonchalant. Even when death was on the cards.

This wasn’t about what happened between Donghae and I, it was about the two of us. The two of us both broken, both with difficult childhoods and a future that was so unclear it barely seemed that we would be able to reach it.

 I reached my hand up and took a single step forward, fingertips brushing against the fine fabric of his shirt. He tilted his head in my direction, eyes glancing downwards before he caught my hand in his, his skin lukewarm against my palm. “So you weren’t going to tell me at all?”

“It wasn’t like that.” He spoke as softly as he could, trying to avoid disturbing the silence around us. “I was trying to organise things, sort them out. Wait as long as I possibly could have. I had to organise arrangements for you.”

He paused as he dipped his head down into the space between us, warm eyes engulfing mine within them. I tried to piece everything together in my mind, words jumbled together like I was struggling to understand anything he was saying to me. But instead, I was sinking into the warmth that lay between us, a warmth that I had craved.

I’d spent days pondering about the relationship between us, about how I couldn’t just love him but I couldn’t just hate him either, walking along the inner line between the two, dangerously capable of slipping into one and struggling to escape. And even at that point, I was torn between both sides. My heart knew nothing but love and my brain, hatred and fear.

When I knew what he was capable of, it was difficult to just choose one.

“But you were angry, you were lashing out, more than I’d ever seen you do before.” My brain chose to speak before I sunk too far into his eyes and wouldn’t find my way out until he hurt me again.

He settled a hand on my shoulder as his words remained soft and tentative, “I still struggle with my inner demons.”

He did, but both of us already knew that from experience.

I could tell he was trying to be more cautious with me in that moment, but I couldn’t understand why. Was it because he was leaving me behind sooner than I even realised? That it could have been one of the last moments we were ever going to spend together? That it would have been one of the last memories I would ever have had of him?

“Don’t worry about me,” His free hand raised to my other shoulder as he levelled himself with me. “I just need to know that you’re going to be safe out there.”

“If I’m going back to the camp then you don’t need to worry about me.” I whispered, my heart painful in my chest as I forced back tears. “You need to make arrangements for yourself and your family, what’s left of it.”

He shook his head once, then twice. “There’s no camp for you to go back to.”

“What do you mean? The war isn’t over yet.”

 “It was invaded by allied forces this morning. “They’ve taken the prisoners, living and ill, back to China. There’s no camp anymore.”

I had nowhere to go back to.

Author's Note: 2 years later and not my proudest piece of work but I have returned to end what I started, because it's not fair too you and not fair too me. There have been many edits over the last few years so obvious disrepancies between chapters (started using it for a Naruto related fanfic), but it will be sorted. This chapter also could have ended better but didn't want to repeat too much when writing the next. Almost at the end now guys!

Also, bonus chapter has been added between chapters 16 and 17, now the new Chapter 17, which I'll just call Bonus for now!