Nichkhun
1 week earlier…

 

Thick sheets of icy water pummeled the soil, a wet cacophony audible from the dark, overcast skies above. Strands of hair were plastered to my face as I shielded them from the storm’s onslaught under my umbrella while the sky cried simultaneously with them. The priest cleared his throat, awaiting the right moment to begin to speak. No one had arrived, not accepting our invitation of sharing our grief and sorrow of her death. She was a cheerful and wonderful person who deserved to leave the earth in the eyes of her nearest and dearest yet no one had cared to attend, prohibited by the weather or their lack of love and sympathy for her.

 
“We are gathered here today to pay tribute to a woman of God, Mrs Horvejkul. She lived her life as a daughter, a wife and a mother,” He paused for a brief moment to wipe the rain from his face. “To know her was to love her. We are here to today to show our love and support for both her and her family Not only have we sensed our own personal feeling of loss over her passing, but our heart has been drawn towards her and will continue to be with her.”

 The flowers in my hand struggled to stand through the rain, petals drooping at the corners, overwhelmed by the vast amount of rain drops sitting upon them. Rain blinded my vision and I struggled to see through the intensity of it, barely making out the silhouette of the priest who watched the coffin in sorrow. 
 

“Finally, we are here today to seek and receive comfort for our sorrows, being less than honest if we said our hearts are not aching due to this situation. It is our human nature to want to understand everything now, but trust requires that we lean and rely heavily on god when things seem unclear, especially now. May she rest in peace for the rest of the Earth’s days,” he finished, shuddering as a cool breeze washed over us, the leaves on the surrounding trees rustling and drifting away into the distance. 


My freezing hands brushed over Yanin’s as I passed the umbrella, shifting my weight from foot to foot as I strode forward. Hesitating to lift her coffin, my body shook vigorously, both from cold and anxiety. I couldn’t express my sorrow with words or tears, my heart aching, perhaps a symptom of experiencing death daily back in the camp. It had hardened me in a way that was sickening, that I didn’t feel the slightest grief over the death of a loved one. It was one of those brief moments where I wished that I hadn’t joined the army in the first place; killing the innocent or else I’d be killed or jailed. 
 

She would have been ashamed of what I had become. 


From the corner of my eye, I watched as Yanin held tightly onto Cherleen’s hand the tears streaming down her face uncontrollably before handing her the umbrella and forcing his feet across the ground until he stood by my side. The others signalled for us to hoist the coffin up and carry it across to her grave, where it would be lowered down and she would never be seen by us, by me, again. I ran my fingers along the smoothness of the coffin with my free hand, it was exactly how she would have wanted it to be, as I forced my head down, acting the way I should have been.


My shoes were stained with the damp vegetation beneath my feet, as a result of the consistent rain, heaving a sigh as my mind remained unfocused from the situation. She had raised me as a child, the only person I ever thought loved me truly, sincere in her actions of care towards me, and she was gone.

My thoughts drifted back to the moment when we’d first met.

I was drenched, carrying nothing but the bag on my back. The contents rustled as I stepped back in fear, curious as to why mother had left me with strangers, claiming that they would take care of me while she hurriedly left and said no more. I was only five, just a child, and I couldn’t understand why she left me there when I had never seen these people before.

The door behind me swung closed and I was trapped in a place full of people I didn’t know. She walked forward as I shook vigorously with fright, and crouched down beside me whilst the man behind her, who I later found to be my estranged father, shouted for her to leave me alone.

 
“Poor dear, you’re soaking. We better get you washed up and changed before you catch a cold,” she said reassuringly as she led me inside the vast home, her lips curling into a beautiful smile, and somehow, I knew I had nothing to be scared about. 


The others froze in their steps, pausing before they lowered her down into the grave that had been dug the day prior. The location was beautiful on a spring day, sheltered by the cherry blossom tree overhead. In the fall her grave would be scattered by their rosy dark petals, magnificent and surreal, just as she would have wished for it to have been. And as the moment of her leaving us for the rest of eternity was near, Yanin and Cherleen returned to my side, Cherleen linking one hand with mine, the other holding on to Yanin’s wheelchair as her breaths and cries hushed. I tossed the rose forward, cascading down as it sat upon her coffin as it was refilled by the piled dirt alongside.

 
“Goodbye Mother,” I whispered, my voice soundless.

I couldn’t cry. My eyes couldn’t hold tears.

 
******


They say the death of a loved one can be heartbreaking, causing drastic changes to the lives of those close to them. In my younger, immature years, I never understood the meaning of this fully, never having experienced the death of anyone close or loving anyone enough to feel that way.

My love for my own mother was peculiar to put to words, for we were never close and she abandoned me at the hands of my father at the sensitive age of 5. We’d never met after that and I assumed that she never wanted any association with me. I was unwanted from birth and every day after that. But Vera was special, caring for me as no one had ever done, an optimistic aura surrounding her at even the hardest of times , ensuring I was safe. I had never been so close to anyone before, my frozen heart aching as realisation dawned upon me that she was gone and would lay in peace forever. 


The mood was tense as the cutlery clicked upon the dishes filled to the brim with food, not one word said as the clock on the wall solemnly ticked second by second. No one shared eye contact, no exchanging of awkward glances as time ticked by and the day neared its close. I could understand that they required some time alone but the extent of this was overwhelming, their faces blank and bleak as their minds busily wandered off. They too were affected by the death for she’d cared for them also in my absence, watching over them lovingly as she’d also done with me, what our, what their parents would have done if they were still with us.

 
My chair creaked as I slid backwards, ensuring I could eat no more as I leapt up from my seat, lifting up the plate while they avoided my dark, frozen orbs. Their food was untouched, scattered across the plate peculiarly while they twiddled with their forks without any attempt to taste what was left for them. I paced myself towards the kitchen, cautiously avoiding the broken shards of glass scattered across the floor from earlier that day, placing the plate in the sink as I stood unsure what to do next. Bothering was not my motive and I wanted them to do as they pleased as opposed to enforcing orders. For all I knew, they’d sit there until nightfall without fidgeting an inch from their initial position. I couldn’t do anything/ 
 

“When are you coming home?” The faint voice of Cherleen asked from the next room, briefly raising her head as she attained my attention. 

 
“What do you mean? I am home,” I responded, walking towards the two of them, resting my arms on the back of a chair, somewhat glad that they had finally chosen to directly speak to me for the first time since I returned. 


“No, I mean come home permanently. When the army business will finish and we can live together as a family again.” Warm liquid built at the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill at any moment if I was not careful in my choice of words. I didn’t understand how the situation had made her so upset, perhaps her inner feelings breaking through her exterior image. 


“That won’t happen for a while. You know how big this war has become. I have to be there until it ends and for now, that time doesn’t seem close,” I explained, struggling to hold on to the softness in my voice, as though I didn’t want to aggravate any more than she already appeared to be. The rain battered against the window as the tirade of the sky continued. 


“You don’t understand, do you? She died because of you, because you weren’t here, because you couldn’t take care of our family and she had to do it herself! You never understood what was going on here.” I could tell she was trying to force the tears back, her voice trembling with grief.

“I sent money.”

“What? Those cheques you would send occasionally?” She paused briefly as if she wanted me to respond. “Nichkhun, those were never enough. They threatened to take away our house if the bills weren’t paid on time; all while you were away killing innocent people in another country. I couldn’t stand to see the way she struggled but I couldn’t leave Cherleen here by herself. It was your fault!”

The walls shook with the impact of her voice as she shot me a look of disgust as the tears coursed down her ashen, pale cheeks. She fled the room with no other words, upset and pained by the situation I had put her in.


“Yanin!” I shouted as I rushed out the room, attempting to confront her about her words. I froze in my steps at the tight grip on my wrist, holding me from moving any forward. I twisted my head and looked down to see the dark tufts of  Cherleen's hair as she watched me with mixed emotions playing the muscles of her face.


“I suggest you don’t talk to her. She’s very fragile at the moment. Vera’s death came at a bad time and Yanin’s really suffering from it right now. I’ll talk to her,” Cherleen whispered, barely audible through my eardrums, as he passed by and went into the next room. I nodded my head in understanding and without knowing what else to do, proceeded to lift the rest of the dishes away from the table, avoiding the shards of glass once again as I walked into the kitchen. 
 

Neither of them returned to accompany me that evening and I understood that they wouldn’t have chosen to willingly after what I had said. I pondered over the words she’d spoken, questioning myself as I repeated what she said internally, the harshness of each stabbing me in a heart that I no longer had.  

Lifting the decanter of whiskey, I poured myself a glass, overwhelmed by the bitter sweetness of the liquid on my taste buds as I sank into the arm chair of the family room, scanning the surroundings curiously. Perhaps Yanin was right. Perhaps I was the cause of Vera’s death. But I had had no choice at the time, not after the other’s deaths. As I left, they would have no one but themselves, the only family left besides myself. Yet, I had no choice but to leave them behind, for they would never understand what I was forced to do daily. 
 

But they wouldn’t survive on their own.


*****


I was lost in thought as I returned that day, strolling through the camp in a supercilious manner, my head raised pompously as I looked down on the ‘worthless scum’ surrounding me. The alibi I’d been given was that I had been away on a meeting with other army officials. It was a lie that had to be told, orchestrated so that an uprising wouldn’t occur. The other soldiers didn’t get to return to their families until the job was done, that was how life worked, but that didn’t mean they would be happy to know that I had the opportunity that they weren’t given.

That was how life worked. Those stronger, better, smarter, always had greater chances than those who were weak and frail, like all of those men who called themselves ‘soldiers’ around the camp – those idiots couldn’t even fire guns properly. I had worked myself up to General and I deserved the benefits I received. No one had killed more of those scum than I had.


As other looked at me in fear and anxiety, a smirk curved at the edges of my lips, glad that I had authority and power, how I could dictate people to do whatever I chose and they could not refuse. I was evil. I was a monster. I was a murderer. The murderer of my own mother, even if it was unintentional, and the murderer of the innocent who entered the camp daily, hoping that they wouldn’t be chosen as a victim to my cruel games while I encouraged the others to laugh and mock them. 

And I didn’t care. My heart didn’t clench in pain or sob with grief. This life that I had pursued had hardened me, hardened my heart in a way I never thought possible. If only my father could see me now.


“General Nichkhun, glad to see you. How was the meeting?” Taecyeon asked monotonously as he lifted his head to see me in front of his desk. I wasn’t pleased with the way he was lounging across it, he’d never stop pissing me off, feet lifted, but I ignored the gut feeling in my stomach and avoided the thought in my mind as I let him be.

If I could have shot him from the first day we met, he would be lying amongst the dirt and gravel, that bastard, always thinking that he could act as if we were of the same rank. I loathed him and his attitude, the way that he acted as if the world was a brighter place – The idiot didn’t understand this world that we lived in. But he was one of the only soldiers who didn’t have a strong hatred in his heart for me and in the camp, it was a good idea to have allies who would attend to your needs and stick by your side. 

 
“Fine,” I replied almost suddenly as I brushed my fingers through the strands of my dark hair, sweeping them away from my forehead. I couldn’t say anything else, and I didn’t want to tell him anything anyway.

 
The others straightened their backs and raised their heads in salute as I passed, only to be ignored as my thoughts wandered elsewhere once again. For once I wanted to be left in peace, have some alone time without the robots who did everything I asked of them with no expressions on their faces. And for the first time in those 2 weeks I was gone, Victoria entered my thoughts. The Victoria who I’d last seen as she left my chambers frightened and shaking as she always did, though I didn’t care. I didn’t care that anything that I did to her hurt her, brought her pain. I liked seeing her writhe and squirm beneath my grip, the cries that escaped her lips, tears streaming down her face.

Vera… mother would have been so disappointed in me.

 

 

******

I waited for her to arrive restlessly, twiddling with my thumbs as the contents of the decanter reduced glass by glass. I wondered if she still remembered what had happened between us previously, if she reminisced about it as I had done, wrinkling her nose in disgust as the events replayed in her mind. She was smart, smarter than the other Chinese people who had arrived, previously living their lives in luxury, refusing to work in the conditions we had set them. Victoria was one of those people who had grown up in a mansion, surrounded by materialistic items and wealth, but understood that if the job wasn’t done, she could kiss her life goodbye, assimilating to the new surroundings almost immediately. I somewhat admired her for that.
 

me into the room without warning or the slightest ounce of sympathy.

I crashed to the ground, knocking my head against the hard concrete. And in doing so, I couldn’t help but become reminded of the events that occurred earlier, events that I would never be able to forget. Thoughts of her clouded my mind and the tears spilled out onto my cheeks, tears that couldn’t seem to cease after I saw her fragile body and the blood that flowed from her wounds.

In the despair of the moment, I seemed to have forgotten about General Nichkhun, who stood there, watching over me as he tapped his wristwatch incessantly. I was wrapped up in my own world of sadness and grief, something I was sure he would never have gone through. He hurt others, he was the one who caused grief, and I knew he would never suffer from that same pain.

 
“Get up!” I roared as I stepped towards her, my heavy footsteps echoing off the ground, “I’d expect a little more of a warm welcome in my return.”

She didn’t move an inch, writhing against the ground. I could tell that I had frightened her, and yet, it didn’t seem that she had felt the need to greet me like she should have. The little . I’d told her what would happen if she decided to disobey me and yet she still felt as though she could.

Someone in this room was in need of being taught a lesson.

My breathing grew heavier, excitement rushing through my veins as I grabbed a fistful of her hair and yanked her head up – pulling at it tightly as she winced in pain and her face scrunched up as if she wanted to mute the cry that she held between her lips. The sadist within me rejoiced and I felt the endorphins flood through me as she continued to cry, her cheeks stained with tears.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     I watched intently as she glanced up to look at me, fresh tears hanging at the corner of her eyes as she trembled within my grip. The anger pulsed within me, the venom shooting through me as my eyes clouded with a red fiery blaze fueled by that stupid dark-haired .

“I told you to get up!” The impact of my voice blew the curling hairs from the sides of her face.

She still felt as though she couldn’t reply, frozen in within my arms, as I heard each breath hitch within and hang there.

The fuel burned faster and the anger gave me the energy to continue. Sweat dripped down my forehead. She wasn’t going to leave her until she was covered in scars, until I had broken her into tiny pieces. She wouldn’t leave until the fire had burned out. That would teach her a lesson.

That would make Vera finally disappear from my mind.

What could I do though? How could I hurt her in a way that she could feel that she couldn’t defy me any longer? When she would finally succumb to the pain, and I could enjoy the pleasure.

With my fingers still knotted through my hair, I pulled her quivering, shaking figure from the floor and forced her to stand before me. I had taken her aback, while she tried to avoid my eyes. I wanted her to look at me. I wanted to see the fear flood through her. I wanted to hear her cries as I broke her. I had that power to hurt her, and I couldn’t wait to see her once I was done.


“Victoria! Why aren’t you listening to me?” It seemed that my voice grew louder the further the anger sunk in. My free hand gripped onto her shoulder firmly and I shook her back and forth, to hear that tremble in her voice as she cried out against me. Nothing. My hand tugged harder at her hair, and I knew that I was going to draw the blood out of her.

Still nothing.

My impatience grew.
 

“You ing !” I spat, the venom seething through my voice as I dropped my hand from her head, her stupid dark hair spilling out across her tear-stained face.

My breathing grew heavier as I stood there, watching as the tears spilled down her cheeks, with no response escaping from her lips but the quiet sobs she tried to muffle. And it angered me to know that even I hadn’t caused them. She had been crying since she had entered, and I realized that someone had already had the fun of breaking her before I had the chance to get to her. I’d kill the bastard if I ever saw him.

Cold wind seeped into the room, washing over her but it was like she wasn’t phased by anything that was happening around her. I didn’t know what I would do if it continued like this. I couldn’t enjoy her pain. Vera would remain there.

“You…” She tore through the silence in the room, her voice trembling in that way I liked it. “You’re a bastard.” She said it so softly that for a brief moment I wasn’t sure what I was hearing, but the bitterness that she held within her words, the bitterness and the anger within them were strong. She lifted  her head until she was looking directly at me, trying to hold back the fright within her eyes as if I couldn’t see right through her.

The redness clouded over my vision and the infuriation bubbled within my chest. I had to force the corners of my lips back down as my teeth clenched together, the excitement rushing through my veins. She had no right to say things like that to me, that little . I would have to punish her for it. “The did you just call me?!”

“All of you South  Korean soldiers are bastards.” The tears dripped down her pale cheeks as her voice shattered. This was breaking her.

“Victoria-”

“You-you killed her…you took her from me,” I tried to say as my voice continued to shatter. “She was just a little girl!”

I lifted my hand, curling my fingers as the blood rushed through me and whacked my fist against his chest, stumbling towards him. Cool wind swirled around the two of us as I lifted my other fist and threw it forward, though it carried no strength, hitting him in the same way the other had.

She wasn’t going to come back. She was gone, and it was all Nichkhun’s fault. Did he get some kind of satisfaction in taking her away? Was he proud? Did he rejoice in knowing that he, his army, had brought me pain? Why did he always want to hurt me? What was it that he had against me? I never did anything to him. I didn’t even know him.

“Mei!” I screamed

 
My legs, weak in the aftermath of my tears and anger, struggled under my weight, my knees almost giving up on me. I gripped onto the General’s shirt, pulling the fabric between my fingers as a tirade of tears flooded down the length of my face. The air only grew colder but the tension seemed to subside.

My face unconsciously buried itself into the General’s shoulder, staining his jacket and shirt with my endless tears. The General, however, didn’t shove me away, leaving me be as the tears streamed with no end. It was as though he was a completely different person. As though the General I knew, we all knew, had been swapped with someone more sincere and understanding. And although I don’t understand why he was being so patient with me, I accepted his sympathy gratefully.

He cleared his throat before the words escaped from his lips very softly. “I’m…I’m sorry.”

I lifted my head at the sudden softness to his voice. Biting down on my lip as our eyes met, my cries hushed. The darkness and coldness in his eyes was replaced with something like sympathy and curiosity. Although I had cried in his presence previously, it was nothing like those previous times where I understood that I had to stay strong to not anger him. It was visible in his eyes that he knew something serious had happened, and he realized that I was not in the state to be a victim to his cruelty. 


He placed his hands on my shoulders, steadying my shaking figure. “Go back to the others. I won’t keep you here any longer,” he announced, assisting me in my attempt to stand. He leading me to the door with no more words escaping from between his lips, and for the first time, I almost saw him in a state of calmness. 

“Get in ! You’ve already caused enough trouble for today,” I heard the faint voice of a soldier by my door as it creaked open. Victoria was shoved into the room, falling to the ground as though she was unaware of what was going on. She didn’t leap to her feet as per usual, remaining in the same position as she bowed down to the ground. I raised an eyebrow curiously at her actions, tapping my fingers on my watch impatiently. I had a rough time away and I needed her assistance. 
 

“Get up!” I roared as I stepped forward towards her frozen body, somewhat questioning that she had lost consciousness. “I said GET UP!” I repeated to which I was greeted with no reply. Either she was avoiding me or there was something peculiarly wrong with her which wasn’t clear in my line of sight. 
 

“Victoria! Why aren’t you listening to me?” By this time I was infuriated with her actions, crouching down beside her in anxiety. From what I was able to see, her cheeks were stained from the wetness of her tears rolling down her face, reminding me of Yanin and Cherleen on the day of Grandma’s funeral. I opened my mouth once again to speak but the harshness of my tone was replaced by a softness that shocked me also, “Victoria, are you okay?”

 
She lifted her head with no reply, biting down on her lips, the feeling of despair and shock evident in her eyes, somehow informing me that something serious had occurred earlier that day.


“M-M-Mei…” she stuttered, bursting into a fit of tears before she could finish her sentence. Without knowing how to treat the situation, I immediately rummaged through the pockets of my trousers, drawing out a handkerchief before I shoved it into her trembling hands.