Life is Unfair
In the Eyes of a Prisoner
Trust. It is a term used when we are affectionate towards another person, seemingly a parent, a partner, a friend or child. It may seem like a simple term, one that doesn’t have much meaning, one that people would use light-heartedly. But it isn’t. Trust means something. It is important and that doesn’t just mean the title - it‘s what comes with it. I should have known that before I made my promise. I should have been aware of all of that,
There was a bond between Boa and I. We had grown closer during those months we spent working endlessly, hour after hour, in that kitchen. I cared about her. I worried about her, and she trusted me in return. She trusted me to help her, and I gave her my word. I gave her my word when I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do what she asked me to. I knew I couldn’t do it. And I couldn’t go back on that word. I would never have been able to tell her that I couldn’t help her.
I was weak. I was too weak to ask Nichkhun for help and too frightened to tell Boa the truth. I wanted to help her, I wanted to be there for her, but I just couldn’t. Her son was dying and she was going to lose him, but I couldn’t help her. Not when my life was on the line too. I supposed that made me appear very selfish. But we all did. We all became very selfish whether we liked it or not.
I just couldn’t make my mind up. I didn’t know what I was going to do, whether I would mention anything to him or not. The Nichkhun that I knew wouldn’t have refused. The Nichkhun I knew would have done anything for me. But I didn’t know how long that Nichkhun would last. I didn’t know if I would see that same Nichkhun there that evening or if I would meet a different one, just like the one that I had met that first day. I didn’t know if he would refuse or if he would do anything for me. I suppose that was one of my greatest worries. I worried that one day I would see him and he would have changed - the person that I had grown close to had disappeared and a stranger sat before me.
Only pessimism seemed to linger in the air those days, making us think of the worst case scenarios as being our fate. I spent all day wondering what would happen and nothing but bad tidings appeared within my mind. I could only sense death. In one case, I would die trying. In the second, Minseok would die because he hadn’t been treated. And in the third, both of us would lay amongst all of the others, the unlucky ones.
……
“You’re far too silent tonight.”
I lifted my head as the smoothness of his voice reached my ears, finding him shifting between the shadows in the room. The words were hidden between my lips and I didn’t say anything in response, merely watching him as he stepped through each shadow and joined it, almost becoming hidden within the darkness of the shapes. I didn’t want to say anything to him, almost dreading being in such close proximity to him.
I was suffocating within the tension in the air, struggling to hold onto each breath as if I could have died. My eyes switched between the objects in the room, looking longingly, pleadingly as if they could have provided me with an escape. I found Nichkhun once again a few moments later, his back leaning against the wall as he placed his hand upon the smoothness of the chest of drawers. The worry was evident within his eyes as he stared back at me, confusion appearing upon the features of his face as if he was questioning why I had not yet responded. I bit onto my lower lip, my teeth gnawing at the skin as he took a single step forward. I had to say something before he became more curious, before I would be forced to tell the truth.
“I didn’t know what to say. I’m sure by now we have exhausted all topics to talk about,” a hesitant laugh escaped from my lips, as if it could mask the worry and fear within me. Somehow, I knew he wouldn’t take that as a response. He would have known that there was something deeper than the simplicity of my words.
He shifted his weight forward a few more steps, running his fingers through his hair. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said simply, trying to tear my eyes away from his. But I couldn’t. His dark orbs always found some way to draw me in and unconsciously, I found it difficult to break away from that strong bond.
“I know you’re lying to me.”
“Lying to you? Why would I have to lie to you?”
“Your eyes are telling me that there’s something wrong. That you’re worried,” he interrupted, the worry evident within his voice, “You didn’t look at me like that last night.”
I swiftly turned in his direction. “Why do you keep trying to pry into my life?”
“I thought by now you’d be able to tell me these things. When you’re hurt, when you’re worried or sad.”
I lifted myself away from the bed as he reached his hand forward, trying to meet the coolness of mine. I found myself growing angry. For no real reason, I found myself becoming infuriated by his words, feeling the anger bubbling inside me, ready to escape. He was trying to make me feel comfortable yet all I could feel in return was infuriation. I didn’t feel like I had any control over my emotions. I was upset, angry. I felt like he was suffocating me and I needed to escape from him before I could no longer breathe.
The emotions exploded from within me, the words slipping from my lips as easily as they had been frozen within them.
“Well, I don’t have to tell you everything, do I?
I urgently reached for the closest object, examining it closely within my hands. I didn’t feel any regret nor did I worry about what he would think and before I even realized what I was doing, I lifted it up and threw it forward. The glass slipped from my grip and crashed against the wall behind him, shattering into miniscule, jagged pieces before our eyes.
The silence stilled the air around us but I could still hear the faint sounds of the crash echoing into the darkness. I watched him from the corner of my ear, too frightened to properly look at him as he lowered his head and watched the ground beneath his feet. He almost looked hurt by what had happened. And that look almost killed me inside, as if I had become sensitive to his pain.
“Why are you yelling at me? I just want to help you,” he spoke, his voice growing softer with each word until they were almost soundless. He took a single step towards me, his muscles tense as he moved with caution around the shards of glass.
I looked at him from the corner of my eye, able to sense that all he wanted to do was help me. All he wanted to do was free me from the troubles that were growing inside, to share them with me, and all I did was grow angry and cause destruction. All I did was treat him in the same way that he had once treated me. I understood how it felt to have someone look down at you, treat you as if you were worth nothing to him, yet I had found myself acting in the same manner.
Before I could even realize what was happening to me, I felt the warm liquid rushing down my cheeks, tears hanging upon my lashes. Everything around me became blurry, objects undefined. And in the next moment, I found myself unable to stand and I dropped to the ground, the tears never failing to continue to fall. I didn’t know what was causing these sudden changes to my emotions, causing me to become angry and upset. It felt as though I had no power over my emotions, as if I was no longer in control over my body.
“Victoria. What’s going on?”
The soft quality remained within his voice, the warmth radiating from him as he crouched down before me. The worry and care was evident within the darkness of his orbs as our eyes met. He lifted his hands, brushing the drops away with the tips of his fingers before he cupped my face within his palms. The warmth didn’t once disappear; neither did the worry or the caring quality within his eyes.
My lips parted, as if I unconsciously knew that I could tell him, ask for help. That look that he gave me proved that there was no way he could hurt me. There was no way that he could have said no.
“Boa’s baby is dying,” I spoke, the words that I had kept hidden inside escaping from my lips.
“What has that got to do with you?” He asked urgently, confusion flickering briefly within his eyes, as if he couldn’t understand. He didn’t. I found that out too late. And I wished that I could take back what I had said, as if it could change what was to happen next.
I pressed on, continuing in my pursuit, the mission that she had given me. “She wanted me to ask you for some medicine. To save his life.”
He lifted his hands away. The warmth escaped from my skin, the coldness rushing towards me almost instantaneously. I didn‘t notice that he had moved so quickly until he stood at the other side of the room, making the briefest of eye contact. He didn‘t understand how much it meant to me.
“Victoria, you know I can’t do that,” he responded monotonously. His head hung low, eyes only able to see the ground beneath his feet. His face was invisible within my line of sight and I could no longer see the emotions lingering upon his face. I was unable to sense them within his voice, the fervour and softness disappearing as quickly as they had once came.
“Why not? He’s all that she has left. You need to help-”
“I can’t, Victoria.” The harshness had reappeared. The harshness that I thought no longer existed within him appeared within his voice. The harshness that proved that there was no hope for Minseok, for any of us. “If a baby suddenly recovers, people are going to ask questions. They’re going to get suspicious about what is going on.”
“You’re not going to help him because of what people think?”
“They would find out the truth,” he responded almost immediately. “You don’t know what they would do if they found out the truth. About everything. About you and me.”
“No one is going to find out anything,” I kept trying to press on, trying to find anyway to change his mind. I couldn’t go on without a fight. I couldn’t go back to Boa as a failure or a loser. I couldn’t tell her that she was going to lose him.
“I can’t do it, Victoria! I can’t help you!” He yelled, his fist slamming against the wall and breaking through the solid material.
I felt as though the air around us was shaking, the world crumbling around us. The pieces of concrete dropped to the ground, followed by a low thud until they lay amongst the dust gathered upon the floor. The harshness within his voice always led to a climatic moment. That moment it almost felt as though everything I thought about Nichkhun, everything that I had grown to think about him and his character was no longer true. He didn’t seem like the caring man that I had seen in the past few months. He was the monster that I had always found myself trying to escape from.
I turned in the opposite direction and walked towards the door, not bothering to waste a single second to look back at him no matter how much I wanted to believe that he hadn’t returned to his old ways.
“Where are you going?” he asked urgently, taking a single step in my direction after me.
My hand pressed against the door, fingers running along the coolness of the door handle. My head ly a few degrees, only able to see the faintest of silhouettes as I took another step forward and he already knew the answer. “I’m leaving.”
…….
Life is unfair. Some people have everything and some don’t have anything. Those who have everything will continue to get more and those who don’t, well; they’ll continue to lose everything until they are left only with the clothes on their back, thin and tattered, unable to provide warmth through the coldness. Those who have everything can provide their children with the best that they can, provide them with the love and warmth that they require. Those who don’t have anything struggle to get through each day, struggle to feed and clothe them, struggle to make their children have an optimistic outlook on life. The ones who have everything can sleep well at night, knowing that nothing could ever harm them. And the others can’t fall asleep at all.
I was born into the first category of people, lucky and privileged, never having to worry about a single thing. I had everything that I could have ever had yet I was never content with that life. I thought that everyone was the same, never realizing that there were others out there that didn’t have anything. When I was sick, I had access to all of the medicines, all of the equipment that I had ever needed. I didn’t realize that other people didn’t.
In the camp, I belonged to the second category. I had nothing but the clothes on my back, clothes that had become tattered after wearing them day by day. I was forced to eat that tasteless gruel that they thought was food, otherwise I would have died. If I was sick, I would most likely fail to last another few days and would be sentenced to death. I suppose the worst thing about being in the second category of people is that you don’t know if there is a chance of survival, you don’t know if you will make it to the other side.
There was no way that anything could have been better.
…..
I could swear I had merely two hours of sleep that night, the morning arriving too early, too soon. I was overwhelmed by everything that was occurring around me, worried about what lay in our future, worried about Boa and her child. It was if the world knew the troubles I was facing and wanted to make things harder than they already were. I didn’t know how I was going to respond to her. I didn’t know how I could make things seem better than they were. The truth would have been too hard for her to take in. I already knew that she wasn’t willing for him to die. What would have happened if I had to tell her that he would? What would have happened when I told her that her nightmares would become reality?
Mothers are the most caring of all people on this earth. Mothers seem to know every little thing about their child. They know those different scenarios too well; they know how to differentiate between the child’s emotions, able to understand what the child wants, what they require. Mothers seem to be the most skilled of all people. But they also happen to be some of the most sensitive. They carried a child in their womb for nine months. They would want that child to be safe and secure, to be protected from life’s little worries, the dangers that surround us all. What would happen if you told a mother that their child can’t be protected? How would she have reacted?
I suppose that was my biggest fear.
I wandered around the kitchen, almost soundlessly. Not a single sound escaped from my lips except the faint breaths hidden beneath the bustling atmosphere, the shouts and calls around us, the constant chatter. Nobody could have been able to hear the quietest of sounds. I unconsciously found myself backing away, trying to hide myself within the crowd and mask myself, become camouflaged. I was hoping she wouldn’t be able to find me.
Life was bustling around us, sounds filling the air to the brim, almost too loud to handle. A sharp pain was pulsing in my head, pounding against the walls of my skull. I leaned forward, propping my elbows swiftly against the table as I buried my face within my hands. The pain was becoming unbearable. All I wanted to escape, but the sounds seemed to grow louder. My breathing seemed to grow in pace, as if I was struggling to hold onto every breath. For a moment, everyone seemed to be crowding around me, pushing me into the tightness of the corner, the sounds increasing. The pain was so intense that I felt it was killing me, pushing me down to the ground.
“Victoria, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
The familiarity of the voice brought me back to reality, the pain seemingly fading away as if it had never existed. I turned my head slightly, her face flashing almost immediately before me before it had suddenly disappeared, no longer visible in my line of sight. I scanned my eyes over our surroundings, searching for her as a hand latched itself onto my arm. Nails were digging into my skin, the pain rushing through my limbs as I was forced through the crowd. Everything was happening so suddenly that the memories of that day were only blurred images within my mind.
I didn’t even realize we were outside until the artic breezes had rushed to my skin, the wind sweeping through the air around us as faint waves of heat radiated from the kitchen, only able to provide minimal warmth. The tough grip had disappeared and all that remained upon my arm were reddening marks caving into the layers of skin. My fingers crept towards the marks as I examined them, brushing over them lightly with the tips of my fingers as they began to disappear.
“What did he say? It’s good news, isn’t it?” I had almost forgotten that she was there.
I lifted my head, finding the curiosity gleaming within her eyes. The hope was creeping out from behind it and she was watching me, her eyes tracing along every movement I made, following my hand as I brushed the strands of hair from my eyes. I didn’t want to say anything to her. I didn’t want to know how she would react. I didn’t want to see her in pain. I had already experienced one of my closest friends in pain and I had already seen the hatred and infuriation being drawn out from inside of her because of it. I didn’t want to see it.
Yet, there was something inside of me urging me to tell the truth, telling me to get it over and done with. I began to realize that if I didn’t say something to her at that point, she would be more disappointed later. If I didn’t say anything, then the hope would grow within her, the relief would exist, the falsity of the situation would deepen. I had to say something, whether it killed me or not, whether it was going to cause pain and destruction or not.
My lips parted unconsciously and the words that wanted to be frozen beneath them escaped, “Boa, I…”
“Somehow I thought that he would say no. I thought I was going to lose him,” she interrupted, a smile playing upon her lips, the corners of them being tugged upwards.
The happiness, the joy was visibly evident upon her features and audibly evident within the tone of her voice. She thought he was going to be saved. She thought he was going to survive and overcome the illness. And it was my responsibility to tear that happiness and hope away from her as quickly as it had risen within her. Whether I liked it or not.
“Boa…” I started once more, trying to urge the words out faster before they became caught within my tongue and she began to interrupt me once again.
“You should come with me to the infirmary and see him when he gets better!”
She was beaming with a happiness that seemed to be radiating from her and into the air, the sun briefly becoming bright within the dullness of the sky. It was as if the darkness in the camp had briefly disappeared and over-written by light, by brightness. I imagined that there were flowers lining the lush green lawns on the outskirts of the camp, leaves hanging upon the trees and children playing around them. And all I could do was tear that image down. I had to burn out that light. I had to restore darkness.
“Boa,” I called out to her once more. She turned to face me, the smile that was lingering upon her lips in happiness slowly disappearing as she met my eyes. It was as though she could tell the truth that was deep in them, that was scarring them, as though she could fully understand why I was not rejoicing with her. Those words, the words that I had tried to keep hidden, left my lips extemporaneously and I couldn‘t take them back. “He said no.”
“What?” She asked, the hope disappearing from the fading brightness of her eyes.
“He can’t do it.”
I took a few steps forward, reaching out for her hand as if I would be able to console her, as if I could make the situation better. As if I could take back what I had said and allow the brightness to remain. The sun no longer cast a warm glow over the landscape - it was hidden behind the dark clouds that drifted across the greyness of our sky. Only ice lay across the ground, the trees were bare and the only people I could see were those who were struggling to work in the harshness of the weather.
Boa shrugged away from me before I could reach out to her. There was a cold quality, an infuriation within her eyes as she watched me approach her across the blackening ice beneath our feet.
“How could he say no? I’m going to lose my baby,” She spoke with gritted teeth, her face reddening in anger. She had became a different Boa to the one that I had grown to know. She was showing a side to herself that I had never seen and I grew frightened. I feared what would happen if I continued to speak, if I continued to tell her what she didn’t want to hear. I feared that our situation would become that of Sulli and I and I wasn’t willing to lose another friend.
But, I had to tell her the truth. Didn’t I? She deserved to know the truth, as his mother. She had to understand why.
“I’m sorry,” I replied simply, my regrets for her situation visible within the sadness of my eyes. “He said that people will get suspicious that Minseok is cured and everyone else will want medicine. He… he can’t let that happen,” I explained, holding her hand for comfort.
Unexpectedly, she understood. She understood the situation and somehow, she could tell that I had tried my best. I watched as the tears gathered at the rims of her eyes, threatening to spill out onto her cheeks. I held her hand, knowing that at any point she was going to break down, that the emotions were going to explode from within her. I stood there with her, waiting for a response, knowing that we would have to return to work soon. One part of me thought that she was never going to say anything, that she just going to stand there staring into nothingness, as if her loss had paralysed her. I thought that may have been the way she wanted to accept her fate. But nothing that I plan, that I think of, turns out to be reality.
“We have to steal it,” she whispered almost soundlessly, her grip tightening as she squeezed my hand for support. She said those words as if they were normal, as if that was a reasonable way to respond to a situation like this.
My eyes widened. I couldn’t seem to believe that she wanted to do something as dangerous as that. Didn’t she understand the consequences for actions like those, for stealing from the army? They would kill her. They would kill us and not even General Nichkhun would have been able to save us. We would be lying amongst the vast grave before we even had the chance to see the next day.
“Boa, we can’t do that,” I responded quickly, trying to convince her out of it, trying to find the best words to say that everything was going to be alright, that nothing bad was going to happen. But there was no way she would have listened to me anyway. She was a mother and any mother would do anything for their child. Even if it hurt them in the process.
“I don’t have any choice.”
…..
“Where are we going?”
I took a single step forward, following closely behind her as the night darkened around us. The coldness of the air was slicing through me as we crept along the hallways, the silence seemingly stilling the air around us as though the world had become frozen. I was cautious of what was occurring around us, what may have been lurking in the dark shadows. I was frightened that something was going to happen to us, that someone was going to find us, catch us in the act of stealing. I feared that that night was going to be my last. I feared that General Nichkhun wouldn’t have been able to save me.
She turned her head slightly in my direction, tilted it downwards and brought a single finger to her lips. “Shh.. They could hear us.”
What difference would the fact that they could hear us make to the fact that they would probably find us, that they would probably catch us? I questioned whether or not she actually knew what we were supposed to be doing, where we were supposed to go. I worried. I could sense that she didn’t and I didn’t know why I was trusting her with my life, why I was trusting that she actually did know and I was following after her because of that. One wrong step and we would have been good for dead. I had to stop her and put her in the right mind set that we had to be sure of where we were going before we decided to move through those hallways.
“Boa, stop,” I swiftly grabbed on to her arm before she turned the next corner and entered further into the darkness. “Do you know where we are going?”
She glanced down, her face almost invisible from my line of sight. It was as though she was trying to hide something from me, hiding the fact that she didn’t know how to respond to my question, that she didn’t know where we had to go. Slowly, her head lifted, her eyes meeting mine through the darkness, and the confidence seemed to have returned to her features.
“Someone told me where we would have to go,” she slowly responded, her words lingering upon her lips for a few moments before they could escape into the air, “I’m just following their instructions.”
“Who told you?” I couldn’t help but ask. I couldn’t help but feel a strange aura in the air around us. I couldn’t help but fear that there was something wrong with our situation.
“One of the others. They had somehow heard about my situation and wanted to help me.”
I nodded my head, understanding what she was trying to say. I tried to ignore the feelings that were growing within me, knowing that no one, knowing that she wouldn’t want to do anything that could hurt us. I had to trust that she knew what she was doing, no matter how much I felt that everything seemed so wrong, so false. There was nothing I could do but trust and believe her.
We continued to follow the dark shadows, struggling to see anything but the dim light of the moon seeping through the glass windows around us. There wasn’t anything to be heard except the gentle breezes of wind as it swept around us, encasing us within the bitter cold air, and the faintest of squeaks as our shoes touched the vinyl floors beneath us. It was growing darker the further we moved through the hallways, the evilness hidden within them slowly coming to light as we entered it.
Rows of doors lined the walls, appearing within each hallway we turned into. The doors were exact copies of the next, bearing the same shape and size, same colour and material, the same mysteriousness. There was no way we would have been able to differentiate between them. There was no way anyone could have. Those doors were inescapable and behind each one lay something hidden, demonic. Each one was hiding it’s own secret. I didn’t want to know what. I didn’t want to know that truth. I didn’t want to know what had happened there, what had caused the thick tension in the air, the loud silence, and the strange auras that I could sense from each one as I passed.
It seemed like we had been walking for an eternity and all I wanted was for us to find our destination and return to the others. I didn’t want to stay there any longer, fearing that something was going to happen to us and I found my illness beginning to return. The headaches, sharp pains, stiffness of the limbs. Something was trying to tell me that I had probably contracted pneumonia, just as everyone else had. That I was going to die the same horrid death as the rest of them and I wouldn’t live until the end. The camp was going to be my end.
“This is it.”
She paused in front of one door, before we could turn into the next hallway. I stumbled in my steps, falling forward before she grabbed my arm and hoisted me up.
I squinted my eyes. 309. The metallic numbers hung at the centre of the door, the metal glistening in the minimal light that was available. I was cautious of what was going to happen once we entered, whether we would find what we were looking for or whether someone had tricked us and only death lay in our paths. I couldn’t help but believe more in the worst case scenario, as if pessimism was all that existed after the months that I had spent there. And all that I wanted to do was get it over and done with.
Her hand rested on the cool material, the handle creaking within her grip as she twisted it to the side. I felt self-conscious. It felt as though people were watching us through the gaps in the doors, their eyes burning holes through my back. She shoved the door open, the gentle creaking too loud that it seemed to have attracted more attention. There were more eyes. There were more people after us, waiting for the right moment to attack. They were going to kill us and Boa seemed too calm about the situation. She was acting like there was nothing there, no hunters eyeing their prey.
The pace of my breathing increased. I was struggling to hold onto each breath. I was dying. Their stares were killing me. Why didn’t Boa notice? Why didn’t she notice what was going on? We were in danger, complete danger. We were going to die for god’s sake!
“Victoria,” she whispered soothingly, dragging me through the door one step at a time. My body was sinking to the ground, her hands struggling to hold me up. “Victoria, everything is okay. Everything is going to be alright. Nothing is going to happen.”
I glanced up as my breathing began to slow down. The calmness and serenity of our surroundings seemed to have returned, the tension and fear gradually easing away as if it was never there. It was strange, how I could have felt so frightened one moment and calm the next. It was as though someone was tampering with my emotions. Someone was playing with me. I didn’t know why and I know I didn’t want to think about everything so much. It would lead me to where I was before.
A smile lingered upon Boa’s lips as she noticed I had recovered from my brief moment of paranoia, as if she understood that everything had returned to normal. Her feet thudded against the ground as she ran her hands along the wall, guiding herself further into the small room, trying to find a light switch. She searched there for a few moments, her fingers meeting the smoothness of the plastic as she flicked the switch and light was bestowed upon us.
The room was almost bare at one side, no decorations, no ornaments hung on the walls. Nothing was stored there. But when I turned my back, my eyes had widened. We had found what we were looking for. There were boxes full of different medicines, filled to the brim with different substances and antidotes. Small cases of tablets were strewn along the floor for all kinds of illnesses. It was like we were in a hospital storage room. The light was flickering above our heads, the bulb hanging loosely from the ceiling on a wire that hadn’t been adjusted correctly. All of these medicines could have saved so many lives, so many deaths could have been prevented. Yet the Koreans had decided to hide these from us and keep them all to themselves. That was the harshness of war. Preventable deaths ignored. If only life was fairer.
Boa was already scavenging and searching, reading through the different names in search of the one that she required, the one that could save her sons life. I wanted to take more, I wanted to take as many as I could carry and heal everyone that I could. I wanted to make a difference and I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself knowing that I could have made a difference, I could have saved lives, but I didn’t. I dived in after her, scanning names, lifting many different things into my hands until I was struggling to carry them all. I was going to save people. I was going to help them.
If only either of us knew what lay in our paths.
The hanging bulb began swinging from side to side, the light flickering until it was almost dying away. I was too busy to have noticed. I wish I would have noticed. I wish I could have known. I reached forward for one medicine, the hope glimmering within the brightness of my eyes as it was almost in my fingertips. I almost had it in my grip. I almost could have saved a few lives with it.
I wish I could have heard the shuffling of feet across the vinyl floor.
The hand clasped over my lips before I could have reached the final medicine. The other hand grabbed onto my arm, tightly, nails scraping and digging into my skin. The medicine dropped to the ground with a thud. My eyes widened. The fear should have been evident within them, glistening within my eyes. The pace of my breathing was rapidly increasing at a rate that I never knew existed. I should have gone with my gut feeling. I knew there was something wrong with our situation.
“I’ve got you now, !” A chuckle escaped from his lips and filled the air, echoing off the walls tauntingly. I recognised his voice. I recognised the harshness of the voice but I couldn’t put my finger on who it could have been
I tried to say something, trying to call out, yell for help, as his hand muffled the sounds escaping from my lips. But no one would have cared. We were in stranger territory, trespassing into forbidden areas. Nothing that I could have said could change anything that was happening to me.
Boa turned immediately, her eyes widening at the sight of me, anguish washing over her. But she wasn’t doing anything. She didn’t move from her position and all she did was look at me sympathetically, as if she couldn’t make a difference. “What are you going to do to her?” she asked, worry hidden beneath her tone.
“Don’t you worry,” he spoke with false sincerity. “I’m just going to take care of Victoria.”
“Take care of her?”
“Victoria needs to be taught a lesson or two about life at this camp. I think all of that time she has been spending sleeping with the General has changed her.” I looked down, trying to avoid her eyes as his words grew audible within the tension of the air, a deep red flushing onto my cheeks. Boa was crushed and devastated at the sounds - I didn’t ever want anyone to know about that. Something was telling me that everyone else would soon know. “Now you got what you want so you are going to leave and act as if you never saw anything. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, sir.”
She nodded her head in understanding, her eyes meeting mine briefly as if they were trying to tell me something. And then she turned away. She didn’t look back once, and I felt as if I knew everything that was going on now. I knew I should have stuck by my suspicions and left as soon as I could have. I shouldn’t have stayed with her, when all she was going to do was turn me in in exchange for medicine. I shouldn’t have stayed with that backstabber. She was no longer the person that I once knew.
A single drop of sorrow ran along the length of my cheek. I didn’t think that anyone I cared about could have betrayed me: I was wrong. And the truth hurt.
……
“What are you going to do to me?” I whispered almost soundlessly, the fear hidden within my voice.
He was escorting me along the length of the hallways, passing the doors that I had already seen merely moments before, his hands tightly gripping onto my arms like I was his possession, like he didn’t want me to escape. I could tell that he had heard me, his stature growing more tense, before they were suddenly relaxed once more. He didn’t want to show any sign of weakness. He didn’t want to show that he was afraid of what could happen to him. But he was a soldier. They didn’t fear anything.
“I’m going to do what I have wanted to do for a long time. I want to finish what I was going to do the day you arrived, that day in the kitchen,” he spat distastefully, digging his nails deeper into my flesh. His breath was eerily warm against my neck, and the warmth only caused a feeling of sudden coldness, a shiver running along my spine.
I feared what was going to happen, what lay in my future. I feared leaving everything behind before I would ever have been able to escape. I feared never seeing my parents again. I feared not being able to see Nichkhun for one last time, to have him hold me in his embrace and tell me that he would never let anything hurt me. I feared that I was going to miss so many things in my life; I would never get married, experience motherhood, and start a family. Everything was going to be torn away from me.
He had stopped in front of a set of doors, leading to the vast grounds that had been frozen over with the ice and snow that had been falling in recent weeks. He lifted one hand away from me, the blood flooding back to the area he had been gripping so tightly, the other reaching for the door handle. The door was shoved open, the cold air rushing towards us, the exposed skin, just as we could escape from the warmth of the building. He was only holding on to me with one hand.
I had to escape from him.
My hand lifted as he began to drag me forward, ready. He wasn’t going to expect it. He was never going to see it coming. I shoved him away with all of my strength, his eyes darting up in surprise as he staggered backwards in shock, falling to the ice with a thud. I could hear his breaths growing heavy, the anger flooding onto his face as he fidgeted in irritation.
“You ! You ing !” he cursed angrily, struggling to lift himself off the ground.
I wasn’t safe. Not yet.
A tingling sensation ran through my limbs as I brushed the dirt from my hands. I felt as though the life was slowly draining out of me as my feet began to shuffle against the ground. I tried to force myself along the cold gravel, the tingling sensation rushing to my legs, trying to forbid me from moving further. I had to go. I had to escape. And then, before I could even comprehend what was happening to me, I was already running away from the scene, trying to ignore the rising heartbeat, consistent tingling and ragged breaths. If I stopped, he would have caught me. He would have killed me.
There was a small burst of light in the distance, barely visible but it was calling out to me, telling me I would be safe if I reached it. I was pushing my body forward trying to reach it, struggling to reach it. I had to find Nichkhun. He would have been able to help me. My limbs were crying out to me, asking me to stop, telling me that they were in so much pain as the aching returned. It was worse. Much worse. But I couldn’t have stopped.
I could hear him in the distance, calling out to me. With each step I took, he was growing closer, much closer. He was going to catch me before I reached the light, before I found Nichkhun. I ran forward, my eyes switching back and forth aimlessly, searching for a place of refuge. He was after me. He would never let me go until he finished what he had to do. I could never be safe - when he stood right behind me.
The bullet whistled through the air as the explosion of the gun echoed around us, flying at an infinite speed until it was buried into my body. In that brief moment of the aftermath, I was no longer able to stand, stumbling forward a few steps before I crashed to the ground. An acute throbbing pulsed through my body, my vision growing blurry as I lay in a pool of my own blood, struggling to hold onto each breath.
The light disappeared from my eyes seconds later.
Life is unfair.
Hello. Erm, I don't really know what to say about this and I don't know what kind of response I'm going to get for doing this to Victoria. But please keep in mind, the story hasn't ended yet.
Thanks for reading and take care because I care.
love from coolgirlaamy xxxx
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