Weeks had passed and Mei’s absence had caused serious defects within our daily life. Neither I nor Sulli were our usual selves since her passing. We would no longer laugh or converse with each other if unnecessary. We could never find a reason to be happy. We were mere robots that had been created by the soldiers, hardened by the deaths that war had caused, cold and unfeeling towards each other. I hated the way I had become but nothing could have changed this. An escape or freedom was far from our reach- we were locked inside the camp while the war caused worldwide uproar. Yet, in what way we were concerned, there was no world outside, we forgot about it all.

 
It felt like a part of me was missing. Torn. Broken. And I couldn’t help but feel that I was to blame. While rumours spread across the camp, the true story had been distorted and not one person spoke of the truth. They critically watched me, careful around my presence as if it had brought bad doings upon them all. I was a jinx. Perhaps death in disguise. Wherever I went trouble was bound to come along – I couldn’t do anything about it.

 

 

As the sun set in the distance each evening, an array of colours visible across the night sky, we were lucky to have lived another day. It had been months since our arrival, and in that time I had suffered pain beyond the others who continued to live. Images would flash into my mind, images which had left scars in my heart, images which would never be forgotten. Of those who had left in our time, killed by the soldiers. Of those who had suffered from natural disease, forbidden from access to medication. Of Mei’s cadaver which could not be saved. 
 

Kindness no longer existed in our world, long forgotten and unused. 
 

……

I lowered my head, following the others as they left the warmth of the cabin behind. The freshness of spring had arrived, the subtle scent of flowers lingering in the air. Yet nevertheless the bitter coldness rushed to our pale skin, lifeless bodies. It was in these moments that I yearned for my previous life, the comfort and luxury of the mansion. But that place too had held me prisoner. 


It wasn’t expected for a girl of my calibre or status to prance through the streets daily. Each day as lessons came to an end and the violin was played, I rushed home and stayed there for the remainder of my day, questioned by my mother if I was just a minute late. It was a life I had grown used to and I merely assumed that every girl was treated the same. Jia and Fei informed me otherwise. But I couldn’t bring myself to defy my parent‘s rules: they knew the best for me.

It wasn’t until I found myself in the camp that I realized they didn’t.


“Tayuya!” a voice called as we stood in perfect, straight rows, the roll-call list read. Every living person under imprisonment was named on that list. Every morning it was called to ensure that everyone who was expected to be there had remained. If a response wasn’t given as a name was called it was immediately assumed as an attempted escape or death, soldiers rushing to search for them and harsh penalties were in place for those who were caught. That wasn’t to say that an escape hadn’t been attempted. But they hadn’t been successful in these attempts. 

 
Sulli was nowhere to be seen, missing since early morning when beams of sunlight entered the room and I had woken. Merely thinking that she had left to roll-call early, worry hadn’t overcome my emotions, expecting to see her as I attended also. But her face wasn’t among those who attended that morning. In our hostile environment, I could only presume the worst had occurred. 

 

 

“Victoria Song!” My hand was automatically raised as my name escaped the lips of the soldier who held the list in his firm grip. He briefly nodded, lowering his head and gaze in search of the following name. I was expected to leave for elsewhere, but as only few remained, Sulli’s safety and whereabouts had to be ensured. Mei had already done so but I wouldn’t let Sulli leave me behind, idly standing on the outskirts of the group, twisting my head from side to side in search of her. Yet she remained invisible in my line of sight. 

 

Slowly pacing myself backwards, I scanned my eyes once again over the crowd. A cool breeze washed over us from the west, a shiver running up the length of my spine as my presence was brought to the attention of those soldiers who watched over us. I stumbled over an object which lay behind me, my hand whipped across the face of the soldier who stood unknowingly behind. And it was true that my presence caused trouble. 

 
Fire burned in his eyes as he wrapped his fingers around my wrist, “You’re no longer needed here. Get moving!” he roared, shoving me aside at full force. 

 

I lay amongst the dirt and gravel before I had any time to react, immediately rushing to brush through the tousled strands of my hair for any cuts across the back of my head. If exposed to bacteria, they could become infected and infection caused death. It was human nature to try and prevent death as long as possible. 


“Let me help you,” a soft voice spoke as another name became audible in the distance. The man greeted me with a warm smile, holding his hand forward to assist me as I lifted myself from the ground. Wiping the dust from my clothes, I mouthed a ‘Thank You’ as he gestured for me to walk with him, striding towards the cabin alongside for food which in no way provided nutrients or vitamins needed to survive.

 
Rows were full as others digested what was provided, my nose wrinkling in disgust. I was in no position to criticise a meal in my condition but it was no longer in terms of being edible to my tastes any longer, squeezing myself between two other women as the bowl lay before my eyes in perfect view.


We sat in an endless silence, with the exception of the cutlery as they clicked upon dishes, the faint sounds of chewing audible in the backdrop. No words were breathed as soldiers paraded the room, examining the many prisoners before their eyes in search of the meek and unhealthy. Disease spread uncontrollably from prisoner to prisoner, the numbers growing dangerously low in the running of the camp. A certain number was essential, the rest disposed and uncared for. In some moments where I was alone with my thoughts, I pondered over why I still remained. I was born into wealth and my range of expertise was limited. I could barely take care of myself.  But I assumed the General’s power had saved me from prosecution. 

The meek portions of food couldn’t be forced down my aching throat, left sitting idly by in the dish as others made the most of what was given. My stomach ached and grumbled in hunger as though it was calling out to me, pleading for my old life, food to satisfy its needs properly. Food that didn’t exist in this world. There wasn’t any point in living any longer and I presumed that some shared the same opinion. Some moment the army would realise that there was no point in holding us prisoner, killing us before we had a chance to save ourselves. 

 

One person who I hadn’t seen for weeks appeared in my line of vision, the door creaking as he pushed it open and became immediately greeted by the surrounding soldiers who sent their wishes that he was in good health. He briefly nodded, a dismal, bleak expression playing the muscles of his face as he entered, watching us with curious eyes.

He hadn’t called for me for weeks after that night he had spoken to me, when he started to let me in. The first few nights I started to wonder if it was because he was embarrassed by the things that he said to me, the personal things that I doubted he would have said to many other people. I didn’t even know why he entrusted me with his secrets. I was nothing but a prisoner to him.

My head rose at the exact moment to meet those eyes, swiftly turning away before I could bring myself to his attention. I could feel his eyes burning holes through my back, my hands shaking in hesitation as I could expect to be sent to his chambers that evening. There was no way I could escape from him any longer.


*****

My eyes darted back and forth, following each sound eagerly for a distraction. My attention remained unfocused all morning. Sulli remained missing from my side. She hadn’t yet been found. The girls I asked had no clue of her whereabouts and I began to lose hope that she would ever return to us. Was Sulli doing so intentionally? Was she trying to escape from my unlucky presence? Or was the life we led no longer sufferable? 


I was in need of an escape, urging to rush through the cabins in search of her. She assisted me when I was need of help and I would do the same is she was in that position. My movements were jittery and irregular and I flinched at the slightest touch of someone who surrounded me. I couldn’t understand why the situation had affected me to that extent that the act of concentration wouldn’t come easily and no work could be completed. I would be the one to blame if dinner wasn’t complete to standard just as it had been last time, and there was no way I was going to let General Nichkhun punish me again.


The vegetables slipped from my hands, falling with a gentle thud as they hit the ground. The rest of the girls turned to face me in disgust, raising their eyebrows as guffaws and giggles echoed in the air, reaching my ears. During these moments I couldn’t understand their constant pestering and bullying, ostracizing me from their groups as though I wouldn’t be able to join them. To my knowledge I hadn’t done anything deliberate to gain their hatred yet it had remained so since our first day of work. Perhaps associations with me weren’t welcomed because of my first outcry and previous punishments. I was sure that they’d all witnessed General Nichkhun dragging me away on the first day. 

 
I crouched to the ground almost immediately, scooping them into my hands as I placed them in a bowl, ready to be rinsed once more. Our days were endless cycles of boredom, following the same routine each day without change. The only differences were in the chores and orders given by General Nichkhun and those too remained boring. I leapt from the ground, straightening the creases in my clothes as I proceeded with the job given.

Another woman stood by my side, casually glancing at me from the corner of her eye as she chopped the vegetables in her grip. I’d never paid much attention to her before, noticing her daily as she worked but she never said a word to the others.

 
“Go find your friend. You’re too worried about her that you aren’t doing anything properly. I’ll cover your work,” she spoke in a hushed whisper, pressing her hand against my back reassuringly. 

 I couldn’t remember her name, though I was sure I had heard it mentioned in all the days we had been working together for.

“Are you sure?” I asked in hesitation, scanning my eyes over the rest of the group whose attention had been diverted elsewhere. An escape would have been inevitably easy; the soldiers had a planned meeting occurring at that moment and it wasn’t due to end for another 30 minutes. And if they had returned I didn’t expect anyone to reveal my whereabouts to the enemy, even if they did hate me.

 
“Go now and find her before they come back,” Kurenai, I finally remembered, ushered me out of the door, sending a reassuring smile in my direction as she bid farewell. 
 

…..

The camp was isolated from any human beings, the endless dripping of water into a pail of water droning on and on. I leaned against the wall of the cabin, coated in layers of paint and rough to the touch, scanning my eyes over the surrounding area in search of anyone who may catch me in the process of escaping work. Yet, no one appeared, and one foot automatically stepping forward. My hearing was attentive, cautious of every sound as if I may be approached unknowingly, following the rows of cabins until I would reach the one in which we slept. 


The journey felt so much longer than usual, and each step that I took didn’t seem to get me any closer to the place where I wanted to be, where I hoped that I would be able to find Sulli. I knew it was because I was worrying too much, but I knew nothing but worrying, fearing for her at that moment, and it all seemed to conquer over my other emotions.

The door creaked as I pushed it open and I grew self conscious of the noise I was making, a noise that I knew that the soldiers wouldn’t have been able to hear but which still frightened me. They were always lurking around, and even if they were said to be having a meeting, my mind wouldn’t be put at ease. Any moment they could jump out and find me – General Nichkhun wouldn’t be able to do anything but punish me.

I stepped into the cabin, the eerie silence disturbing my ears as my body shook vigorously in fright that something sinister was inside, awaiting my presence. A false, obscure judgement which remained unreal. But what awaited me was just as sinister and disgusting as I could have made it.

 

I scanned over my surroundings, walking further inside after I closed the door behind me. In a room with near to no windows, I struggled to see anything, the darkness clouding over my vision. I had to guide myself by memory, crouching down to see into the lower bunks to find nothing in them but dirty clothes and bread which had grown mold in the time that people had hidden it for. But Sulli wasn’t among any of it.

“Sulli!” I paused, but heard no sounds.

“Sulli, are you in here?” I shouted at mid-volume, loud enough to be heard in the cabin but I hoped not the ears of the soldiers contained in one of the surrounding cabins.

It was still completely silent.

 Forcing myself forward, my feet shuffled against the vinyl floor, the foul stench of illness and dirt lingering in the air. We lived in a disgusting state no better than animals. Water pooled into small cracks in the ground, turning brown as it mixed in with the dirt and waste beneath our feet

 

I spotted something moving in the distance and squinted my eyes until a figure, a shadow, was visible, though their actions couldn’t have been seen from where I was. I started to walk a little faster as they held their head down, as if they were somehow trying to avoid my eyes as what appeared to be a muffle sob escaped from their lips. There was no else in the cabin for it to have not come from that figure.

Shaking fingers were looping the rope into a knot as my vision of them grew clearer the closer I came, and they pulled the object over their head as they screamed in an outcry. Glass shattered into pieces as it fell from their grip, my body moving unconsciously faster as worry washed over me. The rope hung from the rails of the top bunk, ready for use.

I didn’t want to believe that this was really happening and I didn’t want to believe that this could have been Sulli, just minutes, seconds away from trying to take her own life. She wasn’t going to be the first to have tried this, and she certaintly was going to be the last, but I didn’t want Sulli, sweet, innocent Sulli to hurt herself in such a way that she wasn’t going to come back from, find her escape from this place in death.
 

“Sulli! Stop! What are you trying to do?” I screamed, snatching the knife from her hands, avoiding the shards of glass which sat upon the floor.

She lifted her stained face, her sorrow and pain evident within her eyes, blood dripping from the gash across her ashen cheeks. Choked breathing and cries were all I could hear, tightly squeezing her hands to prevent more harm from occurring. I hurriedly untied the noose, throwing it against the ground with much strength as I turned to her with questioning eyes, “Why are you trying to kill yourself?”

 
Drops of grief spilled from the corners of her eyes, hands clenched into fists. The burning sensation bled from her soul, a single translucent drop sparkling in the sunlight. “I can’t take it anymore Victoria. I can’t take these damn South  Korean soldiers anymore! “

“None of us can, Sulli, but you don’t have to do this.” I pleaded with her as she stared down at the ground, her tears dripping into the cracks in the floor.

“Wouldn’t you rather be dead than still be here? Wouldn’t you rather be dead than let them hurt and torture us any longer?”

I couldn’t answer that question, and I was sure that I, more than anyone knew what these soldiers were capable of, how capable they were of tearing us apart until we’d rather kill ourselves than wait any longer for an escape. If I were ever to leave alive, I’d leave as a broken woman.
 
 

“I don’t want to die like Mei, Victoria,” She paused, trying to trap her cries between her lips. “I’d rather kill myself than let them put a bullet through me.”

“I can’t lose another friend Sulli. I’ll go crazy and do the same thing to myself. We just need hope to keep moving on,” I whispered, brushing strands of hair from her eyes, tucking them behind her ears. 
 

We sat there for a few moments, her head leaning against my shoulder as I examined the extent that she had gone to cause her death. Cuts and bruises were evident across her face and arms, as far as the eye could see, performed extemporaneously. It was dumfounding how the thought of committing suicide had suddenly entered her mind that morning, cradling closer to me as the wind rustled the leaves of the trees beyond the door


“I want to go home,” she wiped the final tears from her eyes, clearing the last sob from as she turned to face me. 

 
“I do too.

 
******


I cautiously shifted my weight forward as the door creaked open, peeking through the door as the General’s silhouette became eerily visible in the midst of the oncoming darkness. I turned my head back towards the door as  voices became audible in the distance, raising an eyebrow questioningly, before turning back to the room to find that he had disappeared from my line of sight. A wave of anxiety and worry washed over me, hesitation running through my veins as nausea sat in the pit of my stomach. Could he have been planning to hurt me? Bring me pain just as he had done previously? Was the way he had treated me in the aftermath of Mei’s death a disguise for his ulterior motives?
 
I pressed my hands against the rough texture of the walls, finding a passage into the room as an escape was inevitably going to cause harsher penalties for my actions. The scent of his cologne grew increasingly stronger as I stepped further into the darkness, concealing myself within the shadows of the night.  

Shuffling became audible in close proximity and the door slammed closed, the sound echoing through the air of the room. My eyes darted back and forth; following each sound as though they were warning calls for what was my destiny had planned for me. 

 
I couldn’t help but feel that this was the night he was finally going to kill me, my memories flashing back to Sulli and the promise that I had made to her merely hours earlier. If I didn’t survive, I knew that she wouldn’t be able to either. She was too fragile, this world was just going to tear her apart, and if I died, I knew that by the next morning, the soldiers would find her hanging from the rope.
 

“Shh, just calm down,” he spoke calmly, his breath warm on my exposed skin as a hand pressed against my lips, muffling my screams and cries.

A single drop of warm liquid ran down my cheek, others threatening to spill as his free hand fumbled through the fabric of his pockets in order to find a particular object. He sighed in relief as it jingled in his hands, shoving me forward in his tight grip as I stumbled over an item in my path. My legs struggled beneath me as he pulled me up and dragged me against the concrete floors in his room.


“Sit here!”  Nichkhun clenched my arms in his hands, digging the sharpness of his fingernails into my skin as I was forced into what appeared to be a chair far into his chambers. He didn’t release me from his grip, forcing my hands around the back.

 I shivered at the sudden contact of cold metal against my skin, unsure why I was being treated this way since I hadn’t caused unnecessary trouble as far as I was aware. He had remained a monster despite his comforting words weeks earlier. And I couldn’t understand why he continually changed his emotions towards me.


He swiftly turned away from me, the thudding of his feet against the concrete floor growing quieter as he went into the distance. The room before me was suddenly lit, my exact positions in front of his bed visible in my eyes as he returned almost immediately. He sat himself down, overwhelmed by the comfort provided, his dark orbs seeping with venom and coldness as they met my eyes. Shooting a look of distaste in my direction, he cleared his throat, the words frozen in his breath as though they couldn’t be said. 

 
“As far as I’m aware, you haven’t eaten a proper meal for weeks.”

“You’ve been watching me?” I asked in disbelief. If he had been watching me, did that mean that he saw me earlier that day? Did he catch me out of work? Was he going to punish me for it?

“You think I have the time to be watching you?” He smirked, dropping his gaze, “I can understand that this life is unbearable for you,” He said that as if he was in the same position as myself, but he didn’t understand anything and he wouldn’t ever, even if he tried. “But starvation isn’t an easy death,” he scanned his eyes leisurely over my body, reaching forward and pressing his cold hands against by abdomen.

 “You’re all bones, there’s no fat on your body. If you ever have hope to escape, you need to eat something.”


“Escape? You speak of escape as if you’re going to let me do it but we both know that isn’t the case. And sorry to break it to you but the food here isn’t exactly appetizing,” I spat distastefully as he reeled back in disgust. He wiped the saliva from his face as he launched forward, pursing his lips, hand raised as it was thrown mere inches from my cheek.  


Squeezing my eyes shut, my voice dropped into a low whisper, “I’m sorry,” I felt as though I could already feel the sting of the hit, my throat aching as I forced the tears back. “Please don’t punish me for what I’ve done.” Merely remembering the night he did sent a shudder running through my veins, the thought of it occurring once more would tear me apart. I’d kill myself, even if I had tried to tempt Sulli out of death. Oh, the irony!

 

A guffaw rang in the air, escaping his pouted lips, “I don’t take orders from a prisoner,” he spoke.
 

Neither of us said anything for a few moments and I reveled in the silence of the room, I wasn’t in the right mind to be able to have an argument with him. I could hear the rustling of fabric in the backdrop and each of the steps that he made before they grew louded and he stood by me once more. A comforting scent wafted through my nostrils.

“Open your mouth,” his baritone voice ordered; my eyes flickering open as my jaw dropped immediately at his command. Food was stuffed inside my mouth and not the tasteless stew we were fed daily, but real food. My mouth watered at the sweetness on my taste buds, an array of flavours in each bite. Nichkhun said no words, completely silent as if he was never there, lounging in a nonchalant manner as he observed me in those cold orbs. 

“Why are you doing this?” I asked, refusing the next spoonful as I caught his arm. He wriggled from my grasp, raising an eyebrow questioningly at my words.

“Why am I doing this? I saw you this morning, playing with your food and starving yourself. If you starve, you die and if you die, I no longer have a toy to play with. Why do you think I’ve kept you alive so long while the others around you die?”

I didn’t know whether I should have answered his question, his dark eyes staring into mine as if he was waiting for some kind of response from me.